Love the Way You Lie
by A Raven of Emotions
Summary: AU BTR with Kames, past Jagan, past Jhane, Jhay and future Kames vs Jhay. Dom!Kendall and Sub!James. Warning: MAJOR mentions of physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. Small summary: James has been abused for four years by his twin brother Shane. Now, he's out of Hell but is it the end? Is Shane gone for good? Will James ever recover? Will he even survive? Can he...?
1. Love the Way You Lie Pt 1

Okay, so this story idea came into mind. This just a preview but I have to say...that this will be the most mature story I've ever written ever. It will have blood, it will have sexual relations mentioned, and overall will be focused on the topic of domestic violence. It will be Kames and have Dominate!Kendall instead of Submissive! but I can assure you...this story will challenge everything of my writing skills up to this point. Please read and tell me what you all think, k? Well, here we go...**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! All I own are posters, DVDs and CDs of their beauty and genius, but that's it! I only own the plot of this story! Also, this is an AU story, and just focus on the Kames and Jhane pairings!**

* * *

All Kendall had to know James was still breathing was the movement of his chest. It was weakly rising and falling but it was still moving nonetheless; he had been beaten so badly, not to mention brutally raped, that the dirty blonde was afraid he had arrived too late.

He shouldn't have let James walk back to his house alone, in the middle of the night. Sherwood was a small town, but it wasn't always so quiet at dusk.

Kendall pulled out the washcloth he had soaked in a bowl of warm water and twisted it this way and that to get the excess water out, folding it into a rectangle before placing it on James' forehead. The brunette didn't react; his eyes, one bruised so badly that it was black and swollen shut, were stiff under their lids and his mouth, sliced at the corners, remained in an emotionless frown.

Kendall pressed a hand to James' right cheek, checking his temperature. He had been burning with a fever when he found him but thanks to the washcloth it has settled down a bit. Being careful Kendall pulled down the covers, trying to find a cut, bruise, scratch or burn that he had overlooked while patching the older boy up.

The blonde shivered, bottle green eyes dark as he felt a rush of both anger and pain.

James had been badly beaten, every badly: he had a huge cut on the side of his head, that ran below his right eye down to his neck. He had multiple scratches that looked like they came from broken bottles and knives, a particularly deep burn (which Kendall patched up, it had been infected with disgusting puss) below his ribs. His six-pack abs had nail marks running everywhere over them, and his neck had old prints of what looked like a barb wire collar. He had cuts and welts down his hips, disappearing under the waistband of his black boxers, and running down his long, toned legs. His upper lip was split and his nose was black and blue.

Kendall had cleaned up him as much as he could concerning...the rape, but tried his best not to dive too much into it. The poor brunette has suffered enough, the last thing he needed was to be swarmed over while unconscious.

'W-who did this to you?' Kendall thought, sick to his stomach; he reached out and touched James' face gently, careful not to brush the bandages over the large cut across his nose.

Kendall Knight didn't know much about James Diamond; they first met a kid's fifth birthday party but never really talked. After that they went to the same elementary and middle schools, they were in the same high school right now too, yet the brunette rarely hung out with anyone apart from his twin brother Shane.

And speaking of Shane, why hasn't he reported his baby brother (the twins were an hour apart in age) missing? James has been staying in the Knight household for two days now...

"How is he doing, sweetie?" Kendall turned with a smile to his mom Jen, who had a tray of food in her hands.

"I-I don't know, Mom. He's hasn't woken up and it's been two days now." The blonde said dishearteningly, ignoring the food; Jen set the tray down on the bedside table (Kendall had insisted James take his bed, and he'd sleep on the couch in the living room) before wrapping her arms around her son's shoulders.

"You've been taking good care of him, sweetie; I'm sure he'll wake up soon, though are you sure you don't think a hospital is best?" She asked, getting a shake of the head from Kendall back.

"No, Mom. I have a feeling James wouldn't like to wake up in a hospital with doctors and nurses all over him. Plus, I-I'd hate to be away from him." He said, getting a soft smile from his mom.

Jennifer Knight at first didn't understand her son's attachment to the brunette; after all from what he told her, they barely talked and knew each other. The thing was though, Kendall was a kind and caring person by nature, willing to help anyone even if they were a complete stranger. James wasn't that much of a stranger, since she has seen the brunette multiple times before during Kendall's hockey games (he was on the same team) but at the same time she still couldn't put her finger on as to why her son cared so much about the other boy.

"Okay dear, but don't stay up too late. Goodnight."

"Night, Mom." Kendall said, kissing her cheek as she gave him one last hug before leaving to her room, Kendall turning back to the brunette and sighing.

"I hope you wake up soon, James. I need a sign that you're doing at least a little better." Kendall whispered, all dressed in pajamas and about to get up and head to bed.

When something made him jump.

A hand, darker in tone than his and slightly larger but bonier, lightly tightened around his, preventing him from fully getting up. Kendall moved his wide eyes to James' face, where a tear was sliding down to the pillows.

'He's awake! Wait, is he?'

"J-James?" Kendall whispered, brushing a lock of the boy's short brown hair off his face.

"Ugh...S-Shane, please stop. Put...that...down, please don't...it hurts..." The brunette mumbled, tongue between his teeth.

'Shane, he's talking about his brother. But why is he saying something is hurting?'

"Please...don't...let...him...get me again..." That was where the brunette stopped, appearing to have lost any tiny shred of consciousness he had recovered. His grip on Kendall didn't loosen though, in fact he seemed to hold on tighter; it was like he was saying, 'Please, don't leave me alone' without words.

Kendall knew trying to pull free was pointless, plus he didn't want to leave the brunette in such a fragile state so he made himself comfortable in the chair he brought up to his room, taking a few extra pillows from under his bed to give it some cushion.

Laying his head down, inches away from his and James' laced hands, Kendall closed his eyes and tried his best to fall asleep.

And while James slept, more silent tears streamed down his cheeks.


	2. Love the Way You Lie Pt 2

Yolo, yolo, yolo! Sorry, just enjoying the peace of NO MORE EXAMS! Oh God, I passed them all and I survived my first semester of college! Oh yeah, I'm amazing! Man, lots of song moments these last few days but anyway! Here's the latest chapter of 'Love the Way You Lie' and in this one...there's a lot of flashbacks about what happened to James. Yeah a lot, and they are pretty graphic I think, so if this chapter makes anyone uncomfortable you don't have to read it or just skip it; you'll know when the flashbacks start to fade away, promise. But thank you to all who are supporting this story, and don't worry, there's one more chapter left to 'Is He a Heartbreaker?'. The only problem is...I don't know what to do for the last chapter! But if you have ideas, anyone at all, please let me know! Through a review or PM, whichever you wish to use, but please help me! Okay onward to this new chapter and overall new story! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I just own posters, CDs and DVDs of their work, but nothing else! I only own the plot of this story (which may be longer than 'Is He a Heartbreaker?', we'll see how it goes!)! Enjoy! Italics stand for flashbacks/memories! Oh, and for this story, I listened to 'Love The Way You Lie', both parts 1 and 2. They...really helped. And before I forgot, just bold words in the story represent text messages!**

* * *

_James stepped into the shower. He made sure the glass door was sealed nice and tight behind him._

_He wiped away at the make-up on his face; it was smudged anyways._

_He grabbed the shampoo, his shampoo, and worked it into a lather with his hands._

_His shaking, thin, sliced up hands._

_Thankfully the cuts had scabbed over. He remembered the last time he lathered shampoo when they were open; the pain burned, as if someone injected mercury into his veins._

_He ran his hands through his hair, short and now black from the wet, and let it sit for five minutes before rinsing the foamy bubbles out._

_He watched the foamy bubbles go down the drain, the water now a darkish pink instead of clear._

_He sighed, sliding down to the floor, the warm water falling over his naked body like rain._

_He hissed when he pressed himself too much into the nearest wall, the bruises on his back screaming._

_"In this mind; in this heart; in this body, I'm afraid. And even then, I don't leave." He said yet no sound left him, as if he was mute._

_He ran a hand over the cut across his neck, right over his Adam's apple. That day came crashing down on him, eyes watering as images filled his head._

**_-Page Break-_**

_It had been another fight; James has lost count how many they've had, but it had been one of the worst of them yet._

_He slammed James against the wall; James tried to fight back but they were the same height, same weight and had the same built. It was pointless. Then he grabbed a knife from the kitchen counter, they had been fighting in the living room which moved to the kitchen when things got really heated, and lashed out with all he had._

_James had went down, hitting his head against the fridge, and clutching the now bleeding cut at his throat._

_That cut left him with vocal cord paralysis; both of his vocal cords were paralyzed, so now he had problems breathing, swallowing and even talking. In a way he was rendered mute, he couldn't talk without sounding really hoarse._

_He was more vulnerable to choking on food, catching pneumonia when it got really cold, and many other things than other people who only had one vocal cord paralyzed._

_But he didn't take him to the hospital; he just got angry and left for his room, leaving James bleeding and sobbing on the kitchen floor._

_So from then on, James stopped talking. He stopped talking completely. He rarely ate or drank, to avoid possibly choking to death, and he always made sure he was nicely bundled when going outside for school._

_He won't do anything to help him; he had to count on himself._

_Especially with their mom Brooke in a coma, and their dad and step-mom out of the country._

_They were alone, just the two of them, in their big mansion._

_This mansion has never felt so lonely, so empty before..._

**_-Page Break-_**

_James pushed a lock of hair out of his face, flinching when his fingers touched the tender spot below his left eye._

**_-Page Break-_**

_Another punch, because he tried to fight back. He didn't want to be pushed around; they were twins, they were suppose to look out for each other._

_Instead...they fought each other every day as if at war: James only fought back to protect himself, their mom Brooke told them over and over to never, ever let anyone put their hands on them no matter who it was. He didn't fight back to hurt Shane, he once loved him and deep, deep down still did. He was his older brother, his twin; he always wanted to be like him, smart and mysterious._

_When it came to looks, James wasn't envious. They were twins, they had the same face; they had the same eyes, hazel but in certain lights had bits of green and even gold; they had the same smile, even though James' was...no, use to hold more confidence than that of Shane's. They both had tall, strong bodies and the same shade of chocolate brown hair they inherited from their mom Brooke; James' was just a tad shorter than Shane's, and spikier while his twin's stopped at his ears and was normally messy._

_They had different personalities: James, all out-going and loud; Shane, all shy and super smart. They were different personality-wise, but that's what made them so close, have a tight bond...back when they were fourteen._

_They use to be the best of friends; one never went somewhere without the other. They were closer than most brothers, probably because of the myth of twins having telepathy or something like that._

_But Shane...he has made them cross a line James never imagined they would cross; a fragile, thin line that should never be crossed by brothers, twins or not._

_And now, James just felt nasty, gross and damaged. He was damaged goods now; he was seventeen years old, he wasn't a virgin._

_His virginity was ripped from him at fourteen._

_What happened to them? Why did Shane...do this to him?_

_Was it hate? Was it shame, was it something else the younger twin did not know about or could not understand?_

_The violent words, the empty threats, the punches and kicks, the insults and nasty jeers. Why has their bond been broken, what made his big brother, the one who he use to look up to, so angry and violent and so unrecognizable?_

_Whenever James looked at Shane directly, he couldn't recognize him. Those eyes, along with that face that once said to him, "Everything's going to be okay, Jamie. We'll get this together, I'll look after you!", now held nothing but empty words and broken promises._

_Broken like Shane had broken his nose once, twice in one year. And how he'd take James' hockey stick and thwack him about the head at night._

_Every night, every damn night he felt like it._

**_-Page Break-_**

_"And yet, I don't leave." James looked at his reflection in the glass door, the water not as warm as before._

_A broken nose, a bruise under his eye; a split lip, a scabbed over cut across his neck. Bruises and bites along his strong shoulders, cuts and bruises on his stomach and back, followed by the ones on his thighs and legs, hips._

_He's nailed Shane a couple times to the face, leaving a black eye and a split lip, but in the end his twin always won._

_He always won, even when he was wrong._

_But James never left._

_He never left, because he couldn't._

**_-Page Break-_**

_James and Shane were in the living room, watching a documentary about Bonnie and Clyde. They were all curled up in blankets their step-mom Connie (nice woman) always kept in the cupboard under the stairs._

_Both of them were expressionless, leaning against each other under the blankets. Their hands were laced together, tightly together over their knees._

_Not even a saw or gun in their faces could make them let go._

_James had a large bandage on his left cheek, and Shane's right arm in a make-shift sling._

_James had patched Shane up; Shane had patched James up._

_Their step-mom Connie was a model and their dad Michael was a famous photographer. They were constantly out of the house, out the country but also called the boys every day and left enough money for them to survive off of until they got back._

_The twins' biological mom, Brooke Diamond, was in the hospital. She was in a coma; she got into a bad car accident when the twins were fourteen, and has been in that state for a while now._

_The twins were now seventeen; she's been in a coma for three years. The twins had no choice but come to live with their dad and step-mom._

_They were nice people, they loved the boys a lot; that didn't mean though that they knew what went on in the house when they were away._

_And the twins never said anything about it. They just went on and on, moving forward._

_Connie and Michael didn't even know James, the youngest, couldn't talk anymore. They didn't know that the Shane, the oldest of the two, made his brother shut possibly permanently._

_They kept it a secret, the things that went on when their temporary guardians were away._

_Shane wrapped one arm around James. James responded by clutching tighter his twin's hand._

_Fear always made him stay, fear and trauma._

_Trauma and the fact...that he was alone._

_All alone..._

**_-Page Break-_**

_'If I leave, I have nowhere to go.' James thought, his reflection crying but not in the shower. The background went to a house, their house, on fire. The house on fire, and he and his brother were burning along with it, but Shane didn't do anything._

_He just watched as he and his brother went up in flames, burn and cry for help but ignoring everything all the same._

_'I-I want to get out. I want to get o-out! I want out! Out, OUT!'_

_"SOMEONE HELP ME!"_

**_-Page Break-_**

James' eyes (well, the one he could free move) flew open, tears hot and streaming down his cheeks.

Another dream, but each dream felt so real as if he was reliving the painful memories all over again.

'W-what? Where am I?' He thought, in an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar house.

He forced himself to sit up, a coolness in his right hand. He craned his neck, flinching when he felt a string of pain go up his spine, to see why.

A dirty blonde boy, fast asleep in pajamas all curled up a in chair, holding his hand in his.

It didn't take him long to recognize who it was; he remembered his face, they played on the same team and went to the same school.

'Kendall, K-Kendall Knight.'

He wasn't in his home, but Kendall's.

'I-I left home, after Shane...d-did what he did, and then I blacked out in an alley. I blacked out...and K-Kendall must have found me and brought me here.' James inspected the bruises he could see on his arms, shoulders, and stomach, the sheets sliding down to his waist.

They were all patched up; they were all cleaned and disinfected, with bandages and wraps to keep them from letting in germs that can infect them again or get the brunette sick.

Even his fever was gone, barely there and his swollen-closed eye didn't throb much. His nose didn't hurt, despite its black-and-blue discoloration.

A complete stranger...saved his life, because James was sure if he had been out longer last night (no, wait two nights ago not last night) without help, he would have died.

'H-he took care of me...' James' gaze moved to his cell-phone, on the bedside table next to an empty tray.

Carefully and slowly so not to open up the stitches (the blonde must have a good doctor background or something; then again though, he was best friends with James' ex-boyfriend, Logan) the brunette reached out and grabbed his phone, undoing the pattern lock to check if he got any messages.

Any messages from his parents, no; he checked to see if he got any messages...from Shane.

His guess was right: he had three texts from Shane, all an hour apart but all three were new; they came in just this morning, pretty early in the morning.

First, there was the one around one; James (or Kendall) couldn't have noticed, since the brunette had switched his phone onto silent when he ran out of the house that night.

**James, where the hell are you?! I've had to cover for you when Connie and Dad called over the last few days! Get your damn, useless ass back home or I'll go look for you myself!**

**-Shane.**

James wrinkled his nose, which caused him to flinch as well from the pain. He scrolled down to read the next one, the two o'clock one.

**James Dylan Diamond, if you don't come home today I'll kill you. And that's both a threat and a promise.**

**-Shane.**

'An empty threat you mean.' James thought bitterly. Still, he shivered in fright. Then he went down to the three o'clock text; from what his phone said and Kendall's alarm, clock it was right now five-fifteen in the morning, a Sunday morning. The whole student body of Sherwood High was off for Christmas break; they weren't to come back for the spring until January tenth.

It was December thirteenth. James still had almost a whole month before school was back up again.

If his mom was here, she'd remind that even though he was on vacation not to go to bed too late; she wasn't a believer of late-night fun.

**Jamie...I'm sorry. You just got me so upset, I lost control but I didn't mean to. Just please come home, don't leave me alone. You know I love you, little brother.**

**-Shane.**

'Those words lost their meaning to me a long time ago, Shane...' James thought but his heart felt pulled at.

They were twins, they were twin brothers. They were always suppose to be together, that's what their dad always said. They were born together, only an hour apart, and they had to be together always.

James was born an hour later because he wasn't breathing when his mom birthed him. The doctors spent an hour trying to revive him, and when he did start breathing and crying, they officially declared him alive and born. A healthy baby boy...

And it was his duty, their dad always said, to be with his twin brother no matter what. They were to look out for each other, have each other's back, always be together.

Besides...who would believe him about the torture and sick abuse his brother put him through when they were alone?

No one, Shane said so.

And what big brother knew, was always true.

He knew best...

And so that was why James felt he had to go back, that he had to go back home to his twin brother.

'Even when I hate him with everything I have.'

And so that was why James got to his feet, freeing his hand from Kendall's and struggling to stay standing. He spotted his clothes on top of Kendall's computer desk and limped over, picking the articles apart.

A gray V-neck with a black sweater designed to be zipped halfway up his chest and a pair of black skinny jeans, his blue sneakers by the bedroom door.

Wincing the whole time, James worked his head under the shirt until it sat all snug over his shoulders and down over his stomach. A sweet smell filled his nostrils; his clothes have been washed, and his boxers have been changed. They weren't his, but Kendall's.

'H-he really tried his best to help me. He might have even noticed I was raped. B-but how...how did he know waking up in a hospital would have been the death of me?'

With a sigh James shrugged the question away, pulling on his sweater once he wrenched his socks over his feet and his jeans. He shivered under the warmth of his clothes, taking a minute to wrap his arms around himself.

He hadn't notice his skin was freezing cold, until he had brushed it while pulling on his sweater.

'I-I better get home...' He wished he could talk, so he can mockingly laugh at his thought.

Home, what home? The brunette didn't have a home, and the 'home' he supposedly had, nobody was ever home.

He limped to get his shoes, pausing to take a look at Kendall.

The strong, hard-headed blonde looked so peaceful in his sleep. Even though they've never really talked, James has watched Kendall from afar at school. He was a bit stubborn, and hard-headed at times too, but he was a good person. A smart, nice, caring person.

He had to be if he had basically saved James from certain death.

'Thank you, but doing this won't change the fact that I'll get more banged up later tonight.' James thought as he double-tied his shoes and began for the stairs; he groaned, he was too weak to make it down all of them.

But if he wanted to get home, and leave without waking up Kendall, then he had to suck it up and be a man.

All thoughts of that flew out of his head when his left foot tripped over his right.

**_-Page Break-_**

Kendall was woken up by a scream.

It wasn't his mom screaming; she was out at work. It wasn't his sister Katie screaming; she was sleeping over at a friend's house this weekend, not to be back until tomorrow morning.

It was a boy screaming; it sounded hoarse, barely even there, and scratchy and forced, followed by a thumping sound.

His bottle green eyes flew open when he noticed his bed was empty, and James' clothes missing.

'Oh no, James!'

He must have fell down the stairs!

"AH!" Wasting no more time Kendall scrambled from the chair, still in his gray long-sleeve and dark plaid bottoms with leopard print fuzzy socks, and ran to the top of the stairs; his stomach wrenched painfully when he saw...

James at the bottom of the stairs, bleeding from the side of the head and moaning as he landed hard on his left ankle.

"Gah! Ugh...!" The brunette moaned without any sound escaping his lips, tears working down his cheeks. Still, he began to crawl towards the front door, ignoring the blood running down his neck; he merely pulled the hood of his sweater up over his head to hide the reopened cut.

"J-James, you're reopening your cuts!" Kendall warned, running down the stairs to help.

That made James react badly though; he grabbed the umbrella stand that he knocked over when he fell and threw said umbrella up the stairs, nearly nailing Kendall in the eye with the tip.

Kendall doubled back and crashed against the railing, not caring that he was aching from the lower back though; all he cared about was helping James, didn't the brunette see he was causing himself more harm than good?!

Apparently not; James finally made it to the door and threw it back, forcing himself to his feet before he began a shaky sprint out into the dark; it was still pitch black outside, daylight savings time, so Kendall had to squint his eyes as he began giving chase after the brunette.

"James, wait! James!"

**_-Page Break-_**

Kendall didn't know how long he went on chasing James.

An hour? Two hours, or four?

Either way, by the time the sun began to rise, Kendall was left freezing and panting in the outside chill; his chest was heaving, his eyes were wide with worry, and his heart was racing.

James was gone.

**_-Page Break-_**

James leaned against a bus stop, hoping the glass wall would hide him from Kendall.

The blonde had done a good job keeping up with him this far...

Tears shined in his eyes.

When has he lowered himself to the point in which he was running away from the person who helped him?

'Have I given my brother that much power over me?!' James thought, tears running down his face as he pressed his hands his hands to his cheeks and began running again.

He had to go home, he had to hurry bef-

James gasped as he was hit, hard, from the side.

Pain flooded him like a river; deep, immense, heart-wrenching pain.

A car; no warning blare from the driver, nothing; the brunette was soon crippled on the hard, freezing concrete of the street, he able to barely making out people screaming, cars jeering to a halt around him and someone calling for an ambulance.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" The driver that ran him over exclaimed, soon holding the trembling brunette in his arms.

James was about to do something, anything to say he needed to help (he knew sign language) but when he saw who was holding him, who ran him over, he flinched and froze with wide, angry red-rimmed hazel eyes.

His brother Shane, leaning down so that the others around them couldn't see the cruel, hateful smirk on his lips.

"Are you okay?!" Shane feigned a voice of worry, of fright though his eyes were everything but caring.

'S-Shay...' Was all James had for a thought before he lost complete consciousness.


	3. Everybody's Fool

Yolo, everyone! Sorry for the long absence, had computer issues but I'm back! I can't say much since I'm low on time but thank you everyone and I hope everyone enjoys this new chapter! I have already finished half of the third chapter so be ready, thank you all again! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wished I did but nope, I don't!**

* * *

Kendall had been close when the crash happened. He hadn't seen the impact, but the screeching of tires against concrete still rang heavy in his ears.

And in nothing but pajamas and fuzzy socks, the dirty blonde made for the scene. He ran to the crash site as if his feet were on fire, as if he needed to make it or he'd tear at the seams.

The crash site was chaotic. A crowd of people were gathered around the the car and the now arriving ambulance; a team of paramedics were getting a stretcher all ready, two tugging it down from the back of the van while the other two were checking James' vitals. Shane was sobbing into his hands, hair a mess and body violently shaking as he threw out apologies and begged the paramedics to do all they can to save his twin brother. He ignored his banged up and car climbed into the back of the ambulance once James was strapped soundly to the stretcher, an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

Kendall barely had time to see James before the van's double doors closed shut, but what he could make out made him sick to his stomach.

James was a bloody mess; his left leg, which got crushed under Shane's wheels when the car slammed into his side, was terribly and badly broken. The bones were snapped cleanly in two; one poked under the skin, threatening to tear through the muscle. He was bleeding badly from the head, the paramedics getting all the equipment they would need out to see if James' skull was cracked, and there was a large gash running down his right arm too.

Both of the brunette's eyes were closed, chest barely rising.

Despite what little he could do to help James in the state he was in, Kendall ran. Kendall ran; he ran after the ambulance, ignoring the people shouting at his back, wondering why some kid in pajamas is sprinting around like a madman.

There was a thought running through Kendall's mind as he ran for Sherwood Emergency Hospital. It was the only thought that went through his head, a thought that flooded with both anger and worry.

The thought was about James, James with only Shane there with him. He didn't have a single doubt that those tears Shane shed were bloody fake, and that he ran over his brother on purpose.

Just like Kendall was a hundred percent sure that Shane was the one responsible for leaving James beaten and nearly dead in that alley two nights ago.

'I can't leave him alone with that bastard!'

**_-Page Break-_**

"Please, p-please tell me what's wrong with my b-b-brother!" Shane choked out behind his tears, gripping tight to the nearest doctor's arm.

Doctor Griffin shook the boy's hand off him but sighed, falling for the false pain and worry in the brunette's hazel-green eyes. "From what we've found, your brother has a suffered a serious concussion followed by a broken leg. He's also suffered a few broken ribs and possibly a collapsed lung; we'll need to stabilize him first before we can draw final conclusions." He left Shane with Nurse Camille once he finished, rushing to the ER after the stretcher-bound boy.

Shane hid his face his an arm to wipe away the tears that couldn't seem to stop streaming down his cheeks. "This is a-a-all my fault! I can't b-believe I ran over my b-brother!" He exclaimed, Nurse Camille unable to ignore the urge to hug him.

She rubbed his back in slow, soothing circles, dark brown eyes soft. "It's going to be okay, you didn't mean to. It was all just an accident; be strong, you'll have to be ready for anything, your brother will need a lot of time and support in order to make a full recovery..." She whispered, Shane nodding and burying is face into her shoulder.

Camille didn't mind the tears soaking through her uniform, she only tightening her grip on the trembling boy. When it came to being quick on her feet, Camille was a cheetah. But when it came to people crying, mourning, etc. she couldn't help but let her loving, older protective sister side come out.

'Let's hope you learned your lesson, Jamie. I hope this taught you to never, ever play with me...' Shane thought darkly, smiling slightly despite his watery, angry red-rimmed eyes.

**_-Page Break-_**

Kendall scrambled to the front desk, panting and sweating but expression serious.

"P-please, I need to know how a patient is doing!" He said with the nurse eyeing him, a little scared at the wild, desperate look in his eyes.

"N-name?" She asked, already typing away at the computer.

"James D-Diamond." A short silence followed before the nurse pulled up what she needed.

"H-he was taken to the ER shortly after arriving, I'm sorry but I can only divulge information on how he is to a family member. What are you to him, his brother is the only family we were able to contact."

Kendall rapped his brain for a quick response. "I'm a cousin, twice removed. I called his parents as soon as I heard of the accident but they're out of the country and so they sent me to come in their stead. They told me to meet Shane here."

The nurse looked a little skeptical but sighed and moved her eyes back to the computer screen, her long blonde hair falling out of its messy bun. "Mister Diamond may have a serious concussion; his brain is severely swollen: the proper term for this is cerebral edema, caused by the head trauma he received. He also had a broken leg and several broken ribs plus a collapsed lung. He suffered chest trauma from the crash; the front of the car connected with his torso as well as his side. He's in the ER right now; Doctor Griffin is doing all he can to save as much brain tissue as possible; not treating this sort of injury quickly can lead to a comatose state and even...death."

Kendall felt faint, he having to grip hard at the desktop to stay standing. Swallowing hard, he took in a shaky breath. "W-when can I...I mean, when can me and Shay see him?"

Nurse Jo typed away at the computer, pulling up all the latest records. "It may be a while before anyone can see him; this procedure is very sensitive, all must be done to reduce the swelling. You can stay in the waiting room with his brother, and I'll let you two know when any new updates come in." She said, gesturing down the hall.

Kendall sighed and nodded, biting his lower lip as he went for the waiting room; he was stopped by a gentle hand on his shoulder, Nurse Jo giving him a small smile.

"Listen I know you're lying about being Mister Diamond's cousin and all but you really seem to care about him, so I'll let this one slide. Don't tell anyone about me going soft though or I'm dead."

Kendall's bright green eyes went wide at this but he soon smiled back. "Thank you."

She nodded before going back to her computer, the dirty blonde boy seething inside.

Not at Nurse Jo though, no but at the tall brunette boy he was seeing heading into the waiting room.

Shane.

"You good-for-nothing, sick, worthless piece of-" Kendall couldn't finish his jeer before he was grabbed roughly by the arm and dragged into a corner, letting out a gasp.

Shane heard something and turned to look down the hallway, hand leaning agains the doorway; just doctors and nurses going about their duties, but no one stood out in particular to him.

'Hmm, I must be hearing things. James sure knows how to stress me out, but in his condition he won't be doing much of anything for a good while...'

**_-Page Break-_**

"Hey, what the-"

Kendall was soon face-to-face with a tall, dark-skinned woman with big brown eyes and long black hair. She was dressed in a long black coat and boots, hat off though her large tinted sunglasses were on top of her head.

The blonde has never seen her before, but her eyes seemed to pierce right through him and learn everything about him with just one look.

"W-who...?"

"Shhh! Please keep your voice down, I'm not trouble but you have to hear me out if just for a minute okay? W-what did that nurse tell you about my little Jamie?!"

Kendall blinked in surprise at the brunette's name and pushed the woman's hand away from his mouth, eyes on her with hard suspicion. "Who are you, and how do you know James?"

The woman rolled her eyes, looking at him with an 'Are you kidding me?' look. "What kind of question is that, kid? I mean, what woman doesn't know her favorite nephew?"

'Wait, nephew?'

"You mean, you're James and Shane's aunt?" A confused expression touched the woman's face now, eyebrows unfurling.

"Wait, you are not Logan? Wait...brown eyes and raven hair, no you're not him. If you're not Logan Mitchell then who are you and why are you here for my little Jamie?"

"I'm Kendall, Kendall Knight. I go to the same school the twins do, and I know a Logan Mitchell; he's my best friend."

"Hmm, I see. Last time I talked to Jamie he was seeing some boy named Logan but you're a dirty blonde with green eyes, you're not Logan. Kendall is it, nice to meet you. Well not so nice in the situation I'm in but my name is Kelly, Kelly Wainwright. I'm James and Shane's aunt, and I'm also a fortune-teller; I'm from Los Angeles but I took the first plane over here when I sensed something was wrong, wrong with my little Jamie."

"You're a fortune-teller?"

"Yes, I know not many people trust fortune-tellers. To everyone it's all just Hollywood smoke and mirrors but I for one am not a fake. If it wasn't for my gift I wouldn't have sensed Jamie in trouble. I felt it you see, felt a strong wave. I felt a chill, followed by a pain in my side and then I had a vision: in that vision I saw Jamie, oh my sweet little Jamie get hit by a car! I felt such an immense pain, as if I was dying! H-he was hit wasn't he, and he's fighting for his life! Tell me Kendall, did the nurse...say he's suffering from cerebral edema, followed by a broken leg, several broken ribs and a collapsed lung?!"

"If you can see the future, then why couldn't you see...wait, how did you know that?" Kendall stumbled over his words, Kelly letting out a small smirk.

"I am not able to see everything of the future, like meeting you and your role in this, but I don't miss anything involving my family. Now am I right, is that what she told you?" Kendall nodded, stunned into silence. Kelly bit her lower lip, angry tears soon shining in her eyes.

"So that means he got what he wanted...!"

"Who? You mean Shane?"

"Yes! I won't ask how you know my nephew since that's the least of my concerns right now, it's Jamie I'm worried about! Shane ran h-him over on purpose, I don't know why but he d-did!"

'Wait, she doesn't know why?! Just how far can her powers really see into the future?!' Kendall thought, annoyed; his facial expression changed though when Kelly gave him a sour look.

"Don't doubt my powers, kid."

"You can read minds too?!"

"Of course not, that's impossible even for a professional like me! I can read faces though, and I can tell you think I'm a fraud! Look, I can care less right now what some blonde punk thinks of me and my powers; all I want is my nephew!"

"Well you can't see him, Shane and I can't either even though I'm dying to see him! He's in the ER, the doctor in charge and all his help are doing everything they can to reduce the swelling of James' brain! He's in real critical condition, and all of it is Shane's fault! He's the reason why James is in the hospital and why he was nearly dead the night I found him in the middle of the night in an alley!" Kendall exclaimed, frustrated now.

He wanted to be near James in case any news came up, not be bickering with a crazy lady in the corner!

Kelly went silent though, thinking over what the blonde said. "Wait, an alley? So the bed, the room I saw James laying in was yours? You're the gentleman who helped my baby?" All signs of rejection from Kelly were gone, eyes softer and a relieved smile was soon pulling at her pale lips. Kendall took a deep breath to calm down too, nodding in response.

"Yeah, I-I found James badly beaten and raped in an alley two nights ago. I took him to my house and fixed him up; my friend Logan is studying to be a doctor, I learned all I know about first aid from him. I did my best to help him but when he woke up earlier today he freaked out and left running. I-I tried following him but he slipped away from me and then...then that's when the crash happened." Kelly saw the dark tint the boy's bright green eyes took on, how a wince left him and how he clenched his fists.

He was really worried about her nephew, her little Jamie.

'He must really care about him, though I don't remember Jamie ever mentioning a blonde named Kendall. Hmm...interesting.'

"R-raped, you said? My little Jamie...was raped?" Kendall swallowed hard, nodding.

"I found a lot of...semen dripping down his legs when he was blacked out in the alley. I knew taking him to the hospital that night should have been my plan but...but James seems the type to hate anything hospital-like."

"Yes, you're right. He hates hospitals; needles are the worst of his fears."

"Yeah, I know. Our school had free flu shots last month and he freaked out when the announcement was made."

Kelly sighed, wrapping her arms around herself. "He's had really bad experiences with hospitals..." She whispered. Brooke was in the hospital, her half-sister was in a coma in the very same hospital James was being treated in.

"Oh Brooke..."

"That's his mom, isn't it? Where is she, she's the famous owner of Sherwood's only cosmetics empire but she's been MIA for like four years now. Why isn't she here for James?" Kendall asked, but not in a rude way. He was genuinely concerned. Kelly sniffed, wiping away a stray tear.

"Brooke is my half-sister; I'm James' maternal aunt, and the reason why she isn't here is...is because she is in a coma. S-she suffered a nasty car accident when the twins were fourteen and since then they've been living with their dad and his new wife. Michael and Connie are nice people but...but they're hardly ever at home!" Kelly exclaimed, that making an idea form in Kendall's mind.

Shane and James were always together at school, and then alone together at home; James began going from a loud and funny flirt to a silent, reserved loner when they were in their freshman year. Well sort of a loner, since he only hung out with Shane, his twin. Their dad and step-mom were hardly ever at home, from work Kendall was guessing, so the twins would have to take of each other for the time the folks are out.

James all alone with his brother, the bruises and such suddenly showing up; the rape, the only person in close range to James to do that was...his own brother.

'And last night, he was mumbling about Shane...about something hurting, and for Shane to put it down. S-so that means...oh God!'

"S-Shane raped his own brother...he's been beating and raping his own brother." The dirty blonde whispered in horror, Kelly managing to catch that with a gasp leaving her.

"Y-you think so? You think Shane has been physically and sexually abusing my Jamie?!"

"Auntie, what are you doing here?"

**_-Page Break-_**

Shane swallowed hard as Kendall and Kelly turned to him with hard, angry eyes. His own eyes flashed dangerously though.

He never liked Aunt Kelly. She was just like his mom Brooke; from the day the boys were born she always dotted over his baby brother James while he was the favorite twin of his dad Michael. Michael constantly praised Shane for being the "smart" of the two, but Brooke and Kelly always dotted over James for being the "star" since he wanted to be famous. Since he was the youngest he always needed to looked after, since James was a curious person at heart and never stayed put. Shane was always put up to babysitting him, being told over and over by both parents that he always had to take care of James because he wasn't as strong as him.

They always held it over his head that James had been born nearly dead and that he being alive was a miracle, that he was precious and needed to be protected from every bad thing in the world.

That drove Shane insane, always having to play second fiddle to his baby brother even though he was the oldest, even though he was the first born.

But after a...certain event that happened at a party the twins went to before freshman year, Shane couldn't take it anymore and so went through with his revenge.

James was going to pay for what happened to him.

Even if it was with his twin's life...

"Auntie, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Los Angeles." Shane said, facial expression steely now. Kelly held back the urge to yell at the boy; she may have coddled James a lot when the twins were babies but that didn't mean she didn't love Shane just as much. She saw them as equals, just like Brooke did for her when they found out they were half-sisters.

But if what Kendall was assuming was right...she couldn't look at Shane for long. James and him may have the same face, but their eyes gave them away. And right now Shane's eyes were cold and dark, nothing like his twin's bright, warm inviting ones.

His eyes held pain, hatred.

Kelly cleared her throat, dark brown eyes on her other nephew. "I sensed something was wrong with Jamie; I got a vision and came as soon as I could."

Shane laughed, arms crossed. "Auntie, I know you take your fortune-telling seriously, I think way too seriously, but you know all of that is fake, all smoke and mirrors. Science has proved that time and time again. You don't get visions."

"Just because unlike James you reject a gift that runs in the family doesn't mean it is all smoke and mirrors, Shane."

"I'm just not stupid is all, Auntie."

"Don't talk about James like that!" Kendall snarled, eyebrows thick, sharp lines over his eyes. Shane glared coldly at him.

"Stay out of this, Knight. What the hell are you doing here anyway, you and my brother aren't friends."

"What me and James are is none of your business, Shane." Kendall began but Shane cut him off.

"Of course it is, Knight. He's my baby brother, and I know that the only friend he has is me. Logan use to hang around us for a while but I...convinced James it was best to cut him loose. After all, twins only need each other to survive; us against the world, just me and him."

"So being twins gives you the right to beat and rape your brother against his will?" Kendall asked, fists tightly clenched; he felt a small well of smugness inside when he saw Shane's eyes flash again, though this time in alarm. Kelly saw it too, her face going pale.

"S-so it is true, you've put you hands on my J-Jamie...?!"

"What, you're taking this dumb blonde's side, Auntie?! You're believing him over me, your nephew?!"

"So it is true, you sick, ungrateful child! You monster!"

"Hey, stop this fighting right now!" Everyone turned to see Doctor Griffin and Nurse Camille, said gray-haired man practically flaring now.

"If you three keep this up I'll have security escort you all out! All this screaming and shouting is just adding to the severity of your loved one's condition!" He said, Nurse Camille at a loss at what to do to calm him down.

"W-we're sorry sir, we are just really worried about James..." Kendall said, but Griffin's face was hard.

"Well you three have a funny way of showing it! Honestly, families bickering when someone they care about is in grave condition, you, the fortune woman, are you a blood relative? I need an adult blood relative's signature to consent to emergency surgery for Mister Diamond, we can't seem to reach his parents no matter what we do so we must work with what we have at hand!"

"Y-yes, I'm his maternal aunt. I'll sign anything you need, just s-save my little Jamie please." Nurse Camille nodded and pulled out all her clipboard with all the necessary forms, but before She followed the younger woman's suit, she turned to Kendall.

"Come on, sweetie; he's Jamie's cousin twice removed, my child so to say. He will be staying at my side, I am not to be trusted emotionally in this state: I tend to cry a lot, but don't worry for my logical sense is in the clear. And if you have something to say, Shane, say it now." Shane glared at his aunt's back but knew he couldn't do anything so he shook his head.

'Hopefully with us near, he won't be left alone with James.' Kendall thought, Griffin's crisp, professional droll breaking his train of thought.

"Now with the consent we will start the surgery. I will say this right now: all of you must be prepared for anything. Cerebral edema is very risky and tricky, there's a 50-50 chance of James either surviving...or dying during the operation."

Kendall and Kelly felt their hearts drop at this.

'God, please save him.' They both thought.

'God, take him away.' Shane thought, clenching his fists tightly.

**_-Page Break-_**

'Am I going to die? Is this the end? But I didn't even get to see Mom again...'


	4. Dear Agony

I'm so thankful for my iPad. I mean I am thankful for the gifts I get but my iPad really saved me here, it did. I wrote two chapters down and all I had to do was transfer them over to ff once I did spell check. Thank you so much, technology! I suck at sometimes making sense of my own phone but still, thank you! Well, new chapter! Hope it's good, please everyone give me feedback! I want to make sure I'm doing a good job writing a story of this level! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I really wish I did, but I don't! :(**

* * *

Doctor Griffin got to work immediately after getting Kelly's consent. From there Nurse Camille escorted the three to the waiting room, offering her best wishes before disappearing after the gray-haired man.

Kendall, Shane, and Kelly weren't the only ones in the waiting room, but the tension was thick between them. Most of the other people in the room avoided sitting next to them, Kendall and Kelly on one side of the room and Shane on the other, and didn't meet their eyes. Kelly was tapping away at her phone, Kendall keeping himself under control by clasping his hands tight over his lap; his bright green eyes never left Shane though, said brunette shooting both a heated glare behind his messy brown hair.

"What are you doing? Trying to reach James' parents?" Kendall asked Kelly, who had stopped typing away at her smart phone. She shook her head, eyes not leaving the screen.

"No, doing research on cerebral edema. According to this...cerebral edema is when the brain is heavily swollen, due to some excess fluid flooding the skull. The fluid is commonly water, and with too much excess water in the skull, the flow of blood that circulates in and out of the brain is put in a pinched situation; disruption of the flow of blood adds more pressure inside the skull.

Kendall felt all the blood leave his face at this, yet Kelly wasn't done. The tears in her eyes said she wasn't.

"F-from what I'm reading, common signs of cerebral edema are dizziness, confusion and nausea, lack of coordination and numbness.

'Lack of coordination...James falling down the stairs, was he fighting this even before being hit?' Kendall thought, chest aching out of the blue.

"Treatment for c-cerebral edema is to get the excess fluid out of the skull, relieving pressure. The first resort...is the use of certain drugs, to relieve swelling and get the excess fluid out; there's a term for it...but I can't say it right. One of the words look like osmosis, which I remember from school having to do with a specific movement of water. Drugs are usually what most doctors use to treat cerebral edema to its root...but in most serious cases, the only resort to turn to is surgery.

"What are the r-risks from surgery, Kelly?" Kendall asked. Shane made sure he was paying attention while keeping up his cold front.

"Well...taking away a part of the the skull or performing a ventriculostomy, a fancy word for making a small hole in the skull and inserting a plastic tube to start the draining procedure, to get the excess water out is very dangerous, Kendall. The brain is very powerful, but also very sensitive, like the heart. O-one thing done wrong, and James can die during mid-surgery..." Kelly broke down at this, burying her face into her hands.

Kendall bit his lower lip and wrapped an arm around the dark-haired woman's shoulders, taking a deep breath himself to stay calm.

"Well he won't, Kelly. You'll see; he'll get out of this alive and he'll be okay. Sure it will take him a while to get back on his feet and all, but you'll be there for him and I will too. We'll both be there for him." He said, mustering a smile. Kelly wiped at her eyes, expression soft.

"You seem to care a lot about my Jamie, why?"

"I...I can't explain why, but I just don't want to see him hurt. Does that even make sense, to not want to see someone you don't even know well hurt?"

"In a way, it does. It just proves how caring you are as a person, Kendall. It's not every day I meet someone willing to do so much for a stranger...but, you really think Shane did what you think he did?"

She whispered that last part, the dirty blonde's face hardening. "Yeah I do, Kelly...James was basically begging in his sleep not to let Shane get him again. He said, 'Don't let him get me'; there was fear in his voice, clear fear. And even if Shane isn't behind this...he's the only person around James 24/7. He clearly knows more than he's letting on." He insisted, stance on the subject firm.

He could tell she didn't want to believe it. Shane was her nephew, her flesh and blood too; no one wanted to even think that one of her precious nephews was abusing to such extremes the other. She just wanted this all to be a bad dream, a bad dream she can eventually wake up from.

But in the end...this was really happening, and she had to consider any and all possibilities.

"You may be right, Kendall. You may be right..." Was all she said before the blonde's cell phone went off, he pulling away from Kelly to check who it was.

"It's my mom, I need to let her know where I am and about James. I won't take long." He said, pressing the talk button. Kelly nodded as he got up and moved a few feet to have some privacy during the call, moving her eyes to Shane.

She nearly flinched when she noticed he was staring back at her.

'Did you really do that, Shay...? Could you really be capable of something so heartless?'

'You know that there's no one on this damn planet that loves James more than me, Auntie. I would give my life for him...but at the same time, what happened to me at the party that night is all his f-fault.'

**_-Page Break-_**

"Yeah Mom, I'm okay...y-you heard about James? Yeah, yeah I'm at the hospital with him. No I don't know how he'd doing right now, he's in surgery. He has cerebral edema...yeah, it's really serious but Mom, Mom! He'll be okay, he's not alone in this. H-his aunt is here and so am I! Y-yeah, his brother is here too...I can't explain everything right now Mom, but I'll be home in about an hour to shower and change then come right back, is that okay? Okay, okay thanks Mom. I love you too, bye." Kendall sighed as he hung up the phone, running a hand through his hair.

He was glad sometimes his mom had this eighth sense of danger; she didn't ask too many questions but made it clear she was thinking about James, praying he will come out of this mess alive.

Kendall swallowed hard, exiting the waiting room to the hallway. Once he made sure Kelly saw him leave he let out a shaky sob and buried his face into his hands.

James had a chance of dying. This surgery (Jen made it clear to Kendall that he could even stay at the hospital at night if he wanted to) was going to last hours but Doctor Griffin and his staff were racing against time to help save James from death.

Then a chilling thought fell over the dirty blonde.

'T-they'll see the bruises on James' hips and thighs, and if Doctor Griffin suspects the worse...they might run a rape kit or something. Oh no, James will be put on the spot if they do that! If they suspect rape, they might get the police down here and question him! James won't rat him out, I know it. He's so scared of Shane...he'll be willing to keep quiet to protect him, protect his brother.'

And if James did that, then Shane would be able to touch him again...

"I can't let that happen."

"Kendall? Kendall, you've been out here for five minutes, are you okay?" Said blonde jumped when Kelly appeared beside him, a hand to his shoulder.

"Kelly, y-you shouldn't have left Shane!"

"Don't worry, Nurse Camille said I'll be notified of everything about Jamie before anyone else, Nurse Jo will come find us with any updates. Now what's wrong, you look like you saw a ghost."

Kendall swallowed hard. "K-Kelly, if Doc sees the bruises on James' hips and thighs...the others would show physical abuse but those can prove to be sexual abuse happened to him too. W-what if they call for an investigation?" Kelly wrinkled her nose.

"I-I see...that's a scary possibility but if Shane has done what we're suspecting he did to James then we can have him charged with rape. I managed to get in contact with Michael and Connie, finally the idiots answered their phones; they can't make it over here right now but they know about James and want the whole story after he's out of surgery."

"But Kelly, you're missing the point! James won't say anything against Shane, they're brothers! James, like it or not, is really loyal to his potential abuser and rapist; he won't hand him over, I can feel it."

Kelly swallowed hard, eyes almost black now. "Y-you're right. Jamie won't do it, even if it is to help himself. T-then we're going to have to work with that from another angle, but we'll have to wait until the surgery is over, if Doctor Griffin mentions anything of the sort to me. If he does, then we'll need to be ready for anything."

"And my m-mom washed his clothes, the clothes he was wearing the night I found him. Oh God that evidence is gone...b-but I still have the rags I used to clean him up from the semen! They're in the trash in my room, I haven't thrown them out yet! Mom rarely picks up the trash in my room; I told her I'd do it, and...could h-he still have scarring and anal trauma?"

"Yes, he could. It's only been forty-eight hours since the r-rape and if the bruises are very apparent, then yes. Y-you know what, I'm going to talk to Nurse Jo about this; we're not going to wait until Doctor Griffin says something. I may not be James' mother but I am a blood relative and at this time I have authority over everything centered around him. I will ask that...o-once the surgery is done, that they do a rape kit." Kelly said, wiping her eyes.

"T-that sounds like a good idea. Kelly listen, I need to head home to change and give my mom some peace of mind face-to-face. Don't worry I won't say tell her anything sensitive, but I have to hold down the fort for my mom and sister; I'm the man of the house, it's my responsibility to make sure they're doing okay with this." Kendall said.

"B-but we can't leave, in case Shane tries something." Kelly protested, fear in his voice. Even though James was in the ER and being swarmed over by the people working hard to save him, she was afraid Shane would do something to him.

She was afraid of her nephew, she was really starting to believe that he's been beating and raping his twin brother for a while now, maybe..maybe for years.

Kendall swallowed hard before an idea came to him, he whipping out his cell-phone again and dialing a familiar number.

"Who are you calling?"

"A friend that once and still cares a lot about James. He'll keep an eye on Shane, without us telling him all the details, while I'm gone and you're talking to Nurse Jo about the rape kit. You told me before he and James had a thing, well even though they've been over for three years now, he still considers James his best friend. I know that I can count on him for this."


	5. Ghost of You

Okay, new chapter up and ready! Now there is mentions of past Jagan in this chapter and for a good reason: there will be a choice between Jagan and Kames in this story, but that won't come into play until way later in the story. Still, it is essential for the plot. Next chapter will be about James' surgery and if he survived or not. I think we know the answer to that...! Anyway, onward! Thanks to Kames all the way for support, hope this chapter is good as the last one! Thank you so much, you are just amazing!** Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wish I did, so I can finally meet them, but no! Aw, a girl can dream right? :(**

* * *

Logan Mitchell wasted no time rushing to Sherwood Emergency Hospital.

Once he hung up on Kendall and showered and got dressed, he headed for his car. Heart pounding in time with the roaring engine, Logan got his old black Chevy truck on the street and sped (without breaking the legal limit) through green lights and took sharp turns.

His mind was reeling, reeling from what Kendall just told him a few minutes ago.

'J-James...oh God please this can't be happening!'

**_-Page Break-_**

"Kendall!" Said blonde snapped his head up at his name, a short and thin raven-haired boy with pale skin and dark mocha eyes soon rushing towards him. He shared the same expression as Kendall: panicked and extremely worried, with a touch of confusion.

"Logan." Was all he said as he met his best friend halfway, both sharing a hug before Logan pulled away; he was choking on tears, eyes wet.

"Ken...p-please tell me it isn't true. Please tell me that...James is okay!" Logan pleaded, desperate to hear what he wanted instead of the horrible truth.

Kendall sighed and bit his lip, Kelly watching them from the corner of her eye while she talked to Nurse Jo about having a rape kit done on James. "Ugh...Loges, I wish I could s-say that. James...he's going through surgery right now; he has cerebral edema."

Logan paled at the words. Kendall didn't need to explain what they meant; Logan knows a lot about medicine and the body, he was hoping to go to college to become a doctor like Griffin right after high school. He knew what those words meant, he knew just how severe the situation James was in was.

'If the doctor in charge can't get the excess fluid out in time and the pressure on James' brain isn't relieved...he can, oh God no!'

Tears streamed down Logan's cheeks, Kendall soon hugging him again in comfort. Said blonde was also crying, though he was doing his best to keep his composure. If he broke down, then Logan would lose the support he needed right now.

And both of them had to be strong, for James.

"Oh God, this can't be happening."

"It is, b-but we need to stay calm okay? This is bad, I-I know that things look really hellish right now but we need to stay strong and think positively. It's all we can do for James at this point: pray and hope, hope and pray."

"W-who ran him over? The news on T.V. didn't cover much. Who's the bastard that did this to h-him?" Logan demanded. Even though his voice was low, Kendall could hear the icy undertone.

Kendall sighed, wiping at his eyes. "Kelly will fill you in, she's James' aunt and she knows you. I need to go home real quick, make sure Mom and Katie are doing okay but I'll be right back alright? Stay strong, Loges. We have to be strong, for James." He said.

Logan nodded, smiling through his tears. This was one of the things he admired about the blonde: his leadership, his inner strength. There was no way the raven could hold in place his bold face without his best friend keeping him going.

"O-okay."

"Nurse Jo will keep us posted about James, Kelly will fill in you and I'll explain anything else you need more clear when I get back."

"Okay, and Kendall!" Logan said, calling at his friend's back as Kendall turned to leave.

"Yeah, what is it Loges?"

"Thanks...for calling me."

'Kendall had the guts to do something I couldn't: reach out to James when he was in trouble, and actually stick around...'

Kendall smiled, abnormally dull green eyes brightening up a little. "Hey, you and James had something. I don't really know what and how things ended between you two but...I have a feeling that when James gets out this he'll be happy to see you." He said. And with that he ran for the sliding double doors.

Logan swallowed hard, chest tight.

'I don't know, Kendall. After leaving him like I did, I don't think James will be too happy to see me.'

**_-Page Break-_**

"You want a rape kit done on Mister Diamond shortly after surgery?" Nurse Jo asked, eyes wide. Kelly sighed, running a hand through her long hair.

"Yes, I do. I know it s-sounds strange but...I suspect my nephew was sexually assaulted. I also believe he's been sexually assaulted by the same person for about a year or two but I haven't had any evidence hand to make my claim. A rape kit will either prove me wrong...or right, and then I can make the appropriate decisions for my Jamie." Kelly said.

Nurse Jo looked a little confused but Kelly took a deep breath and said more. "Please I know this is such a strange request, putting my nephew through even more trouble but I believe he's been raped and is keeping quiet about it because he's afraid. I-I just want to protect him; I just want to find out if this nagging suspicion is either all in my head...or trying to telling me that my nephew is in danger. Please, please help me."

With those eyes, Nurse Jo cracked in less than a second.

"I will notify Doctor Griffin of this immediately after surgery. To make you feel more comfortable, Nurse Camille and I will do the rape kit." Kelly smiled and clasped the younger woman's hands, shaking but her expression screamed just how grateful she was.

"Thank you. A-and has any news come in, about my little Jamie?"

"All that's came in is that the surgery might take three to five hours. Doctor Griffin had managed to relieve the swelling; now they'll be tackling the hardest part of the operation, which is the removal of the excess fluids reducing the proper circulation of blood through the brain. He'll be performing a ventriculostomy; that should be able to nip the problem in the bud and prevent it from reoccurring."

Kelly let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in this whole time, a fluttering feeling entering her chest though.

So far so good, now all she and Kendall could do was wait. She didn't care if she had to wait five years, as long as her baby boy comes out of this alive...

'J-Jamie, you're fighting to survive. Oh you have a strong will, just like B-Brooke. Oh sweetie, hold on for just a little longer. Just hold on and I promise everything will get better for you, I promise...'

"Thank you..." Kelly whispered before heading back to the waiting room; she jumped though when a hand caught her wrist, she turning to see a thin, pale-skinned boy.

With raven hair and dark mocha brown eyes; wait, could he be...?

"Logan?"

"Yeah that's me, are you Kelly? Kendall c-called me and told me about...James, you're his aunt right?"

"Yes, and you are...James' boyfriend right?" Logan winced, as if the question had sliced his right eye open.

"E-ex-boyfriend, ma'am. We broke up three years ago."

"Oh I see, I'm sorry dear. It's just that...James mentioned you once to me, that you were his boyfriend and I was surprised I ran into Kendall instead when I got here. Are you two...still friends? And please, call me Kelly."

"...I haven't talked to James since our break-up, Kelly. Me and Shane never got along and after the break-up he made sure I never ever got close to James again." Logan answered, tone slightly sour.

That last part caught Kelly's attention though, blood running cold.

"S-Shane? He kept you two apart?"

"Yeah, and a few weeks after our relationship ended James started acting weird. I mean, there was something up even while we were dating, but it got worse when we broke up. I noticed that...that he and Shane were more inseparable than ever; it was like they couldn't be without each other for more than an hour."

"A-and...and all of this started happening when James was fourteen?" Kelly suddenly felt dizzy, and sick to her stomach. Logan noticed this and placed on her shoulder, eyes wide.

"Miss Kelly, are you okay? You look pale."

"P-please answer the question, Logan." Kelly said.

"Yeah, just as our freshman year started. I think...about a week or two after his and Shane's birthday, two weeks after they turned fourteen. K-Kelly, what's wrong?"

Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh God!

'S-Shane...he's been raping and beating James since they fourteen; they were just freshmen in high school. That was about...f-four years ago, he started this four years ago.'

"Kelly? Kelly!" Said woman couldn't hold it any longer. She threw up in the middle of the hallway.

**_-Page Break-_**

"Here, drink this. It should help your stomach." Logan said, handing Kelly a cup of ginger ale.

"T-thank you, sweetie." She whispered as he helped her up and led her towards the waiting room.

After Kelly had puked most of her breakfast up, Logan helped her wash up in the ladies' restroom (he didn't care that some women looked at him oddly the whole time) and got her a cup of ginger ale from the cafeteria to soothe her stomach. She had waited for him outside the cafe (the smell of food didn't help keep off the urge to throw up again so well) and clutched tightly at his arm as he headed for the waiting room. She was still dizzy and weak on her feet, but she felt much better than she did about ten minutes ago.

"I'm sorry." Logan looked at her oddly.

"You're apologizing, for what?"

"For throwing up; I just felt really s-sick all of a sudden and couldn't control it..."

"And how is that your fault? Kelly, you're under a lot of stress right now, with James being ill and all but it's okay. You don't have to apologize, especially to me, for something so trivial."

'Now I see why James fell for him; my baby is all wild and innocent, Logan smart and shy. Hmm...still, he left my baby when he needed support the most.'

"Still, I am thankful I have you and Kendall here to support James, and me." Kelly said, Logan giving her a warm smile though his nose crinkled upwards.

"Wait, isn't Shane here too?"

"Yes." Kelly replied coldly.

"Kelly, something wrong? Is Shane okay?"

"Kelly, Logan!" Before Kelly could answer the raven, they turned to see Kendall running towards them. He was dressed in a red plaid button-up and light blue skinny jeans, a jacket and beanie on because of the cold outside.

He didn't look as rattled as he did half an hour ago; the steam from his hot shower must have helped clear his head.

"Kendall, hey. You look better." Logan said, Kendall sighing with a half-smile on.

"If only I felt that way inside too. Hey Kelly, you okay? You look really pale." Kelly smiled and weakly waved his concern away.

"I just got a little sick is all, but thanks to your pal Logan here I'll be just fine." She said, Logan blushing in embarrassment; Kendall laughed.

"I knew I left you in good hands, Logie can be a bit of a nerd but he's still a great friend. So guys...any news?" The dirty blonde's tone of voice dropped at the question.

Kelly sighed, nodding. "The surgery will take a while; the minimum being three hours, the max five. The good news though is that the swelling has been taken care of, now all that is left is the ventriculostomy to remove the excess fluid from his skull." She explained, Logan nodding in agreement. She was able to fill the raven in more about James' condition.

"And what about the...other thing?" Kendall asked, swallowing thickly. Logan looked lost now though Kelly smiled bitterly.

"Yeah, both Nurses Jo and Camille will take care of that once James is out of the ER." She added. Logan eyed both suspiciously.

"What are you guys talking about?"

"Just a little exam, you know for James' ribs to see if they will need to put him on medication while they heal. You know, painkillers. What about the collapsed lung and broken leg?"

"They'll most likely focus on the broken leg more after surgery; they have it in a case and everything. They covered the collapsed lung already though."

'Good, so he's still safe. Shane hasn't been given the chance to get close to him, he's basically trapped in the waiting room with us.' Kendall though with a mental sigh of relief.

"Okay, I'm glad I didn't miss everything the came in in the last hour or so. I brought some pillows and blankets for us to sleep with during the night; might as well be as comfortable as we can here. And don't look so worried, Loges. I thought ahead and called Mama Mitchell, saying I needed help babysitting Katie for Mom. Sorry I had to lie but I think it's the best for James; the fewer people who know the better." Kendall said as he gestured to the large sports bag hanging off one shoulder, adding that last part when Logan's expression went to a worried one.

"Thanks Ken, I owe you one."

"Well let's get back to the waiting room. For now, all we can do is wait and pray. We left Shane alone for too long..." Kelly said, expression going dark.

Logan felt lost again as Kelly released his arm and led the way, he falling in step with Kendall as he whispered, "Why am I getting the vibe that Kelly is really pissed off at Shane?"

Kendall bit the inside of his cheek, seeing red.

'She's way more than pissed off, buddy; so am I, if we weren't in a hospital right now, I'd kill Shane with my bare hands. I'd kill him for what he's done to James...'


	6. Face Down

Hey, yolo! Bonjour, hola! Okay, sorry for the extra greetings but Christmas is almost here! I'm super excited, I just so giddy this time of year, it's so asterous! But before I lose track and go on and on about the aster I'm feeling, time for this new chapter! This chapter takes place the night during James' surgery and then afterwards; we finally find out if James survived the hell, see a little bit more Kames interaction and Kendall confronts Shane twice, once in this chapter and in the next. Excited, I know I am! Thank you to Kames all the way for reviewing! Sweetie, you are such a great support! Sorry for any grammar mistakes in the last chapters, I fixed them up, and I'm sorry about the Jagan or Kames twist to the story but again it's not until later on and I'm pretty sure I will pull it off so that it's equal for both boys to be with James. But the harsh reality is that only one pairing will come out in the end as the final pairing! And those who show interest in this story will put their vote in for the final pairing result! Thank you so much for the review and thank you to everyone following this story and who have added it to their favorites too! Time for the new chapter, enjoy it! We see some protective!Kendall in this! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time! I just own posters, copies of their CDs and DVDs of their seasons! I can only dream to meet my heroes! :(**

* * *

That night in the hospital was a restless one.

Even though the waiting room was packed with other people, Kendall felt as if only he, Kelly, Logan and (sadly) Shane were the only ones existing at this point. They were the ones here for James, and that basically made the dirty blonde ignore the rest of the world.

And he couldn't sleep. Everyone around him were either dozing off or already in dreamland except for him. He just couldn't close his eyes, sleep was evading him. He didn't want to fall asleep until he was sure a hundred percent that James was out safe and sound from surgery.

He felt useless; he couldn't help the brunette right now, he had to leave it all to pure chance and luck.

'And that's what is making so restless!' He thought, frustrated. He rolled around on the floor, pushing his blanket aside.

Logan was asleep in a corner, just a pillow tucked under his head. He was able to fall asleep after drinking a cup of strong tea; all the stress from not knowing left him drained.

Kelly was asleep in a chair, curled up like a little girl with the thickest blanket wrapped around her. She still didn't look so good even after the ginger ale so the boys convinced her to take it easy, stay comfortable and take the best blanket and pillow of the lot to sleep with. She too was suffering from stress, though Kendall knew her stress was worse than Logan's; they haven't gotten around to telling the raven about James being sexually abused in addition to physically and verbally.

Logan didn't even know that Shane was behind it all.

Speaking of the bastard...

'Where is he?' Panic flooded Kendall almost instantly, he shooting upwards in a sitting position in less than two seconds. He looked around the brightly-lit room, everyone either snoring or drooling.

"Where the hell is-" The blonde cut himself off when he saw someone slip out of the room, tall with caramel brown hair.

There was only one other person with that shade of brown hair, and James wasn't available.

**_-Page Break-_**

"God damn it, can't he just die already?!" Shane hissed to himself, pacing in front of the hospital.

It was bitter cold outside but he didn't care, the anger he was feeling inside kept him warm enough.

"I beat him; I ran him over; I left him with no pride and self-confidence, I took away the one thing that broke him emotionally and mentally! I did all that, so why the hell is he still holding on?! Does he want to come back home with me, he wants to keep suffering?!"

"That's not going to happen, Shane." Said brunette's nostrils flared as he turned to see Kendall standing there, normally bright green eyes dark with rage.

"And I thought you were in there sleeping like a baby, Knight." Shane taunted, a smirk on his face. Said dirty blonde clenched his teeth, whole body shaking.

"You're a sick bastard."

"Everyone is, Knight. Have you seen how fucked up this world is nowadays?"

"Not everyone on this planet would rape and beat their own brother!" Kendall growled but managed it all in a whisper; the last thing he needed was random people or reporters in disguise getting wind of the disturbing truth of the Diamond twins.

Shane's eyes flashed dangerously, the soft hazel-green going black.

'They have the same face, same eyes and everything...! N-no, don't think that, Kendall. Compared to James, Shane is a fucking monster.'

"My brother deserved it! I hated playing second fiddle to somebody everyone fawned over who has the same damn face as me! I was sick and tired of people mistaking me for him, I was sick and damn tired of being compared to my worthless, weak, pathetic baby brother!"

"That's no excuse to rape someone, especially him. Y-you hurt him; you left him bloody and broken and raped in a-an alley."

"He ran out of the house; I didn't hold a gun to his head. Well, that time I didn't threaten him. Knight, do you know why James can't talk?" Shane asked, expression steely now.

Kendall was silent at this.

"You know why he can't talk, and why he can't sell me out? It's not just because he's afraid, he is terrified of me. I made it crystal clear I'm not the same stupid, protective brother I use to be but he can't talk because he has vocal cord paralysis; it's just a fancy term for his vocal cords being frozen so to speak, and he's been like that for a year. He probably doesn't have a voice anymore, albeit a scratchy one. So even if he wanted to, which he doesn't, to sell me out he wouldn't be able to. He's screwed, like he deserves to be." Shane said coldly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Kendall literally saw red.

How could someone, like a sibling, do this to another? How could Shane live with himself, knowing he's beaten, raped, psychologically tortured and broken his own brother, twin brother, his own flesh and blood?

They had been born together; they were suppose to look after each other. Instead...Shane pushed his brother around, left him for dead and when James tried to run, he almost killed him.

Siblings are suppose to love and protect each other, love each other the right way. Shane broke that, and he had the nerve to blame James for everything.

"D-does it make you feel like a man, Shane?" Kendall asked, his question making the brunette look at him oddly.

"What the hell are you rambling about now, Knight?" Kendall's felt tears prickle his eyes, but he held them back as he met the other's gaze.

"Does it make you feel like a man, pushing him around and using the fact that despite every sick, gross and humiliating thing you've made James do, he still l-loves you? Do you feel better about yourself when you take his pride, his self-respect and overall person away from him? Do you like it when you scream at him, when you punch and he fights back and in the end he patches you up and you act like nothing happened? He fights back but in the end you always win, even when he's right. And you say you love him, but I don't think you know what that word means." Kendall said, jaw stiff.

Shane let his bangs fall over his eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks. "With him, I'm not out of my mind. B-because of him though, I had the worse thing happen to me, during that party before freshman year. They were looking for him, wanted to fuck him but they found me instead and made me dirty! It was s-suppose to be him, and because we look so damn alike I was RAPED in his place." He snarled, that making Kendall go pale in the face.

"I love my brother, probably not the way I use to. Yes, I need him. I need him to suffer what happened, plus you think he isn't a masochist? He stays even though I leave him with smeared make-up and a black eye! We need each other, we're two sick psychopaths because in the end, we take care of each other no matter how badly a fight ends! S-shit, you think anyone else loves him more than I do?! No, no one does! I'm his best friend, his hero and even if I beat him, in the end we'll die together and go to Hell together because he's has just as much fault in this as I do. I-I wanted them to rape him instead of me, because I was SICK of being second fiddle to him! I hated that Mom and Aunt Kelly preferred him to me, what the hell made him so much BETTER than me?! Nothing, I'm smart and he's stupid! I'm still beautiful and he's ugly! I am actually worth something, he's nothing but garbage now! And I swear to God, that you or Kelly won't be able to do anything about this! James will go home with ME, and nothing will change that. There's no way he'll stab me in the back, Knight. I'm all he has: Dad and Connie aren't coming back early, they're still booked for five more months and Kelly lives in California. Mommy dearest in this very hospital, in a coma. I'm the only thing he has, and there's nothing you have against me to split us up. Me and James will leave this circus together, just like we came here together when we were born..." Shane sucked in a deep breath and started to leave, leaving his words to hang stiff in the air as he ran, ran away.

He needed to get away, calm down before seeing his twin brother tomorrow.

He had to make sure...James gets a hell of a fright seeing him tomorrow.

Kendall watched him leave, flashbacks of James crying in his sleep flooding his head; flashbacks of the bruises, of the hand prints on his hips and thighs, of the blood and semen mixed on the concrete ground.

Even though Shane...was raped, he had no right do to the same to James.

It wasn't James' fault; he didn't plan to do that to his brother, he got caught in the crossfires.

'Y-you think I have nothing against you, but you're wrong. I'm sorry that happened to you...b-but I'd rather get shot than let you continue hurting James, Shane.'

**_-Page Break-_**

The next morning came by in a flash. Kendall didn't get any sleep, especially after his little chat with Shane.

The brunette wasn't back yet. He was probably still fuming over the dirty blonde confronting him and was waiting until he was chilled as ice before making an appearance.

That left Logan, Kelly and Kendall himself there to hear the news Doctor Griffin had for them that morning, when he walked into the room.

"D-Doctor, is my baby...okay?" Kelly asked, whole body shaking and dried tear tracks glistening against her dark cheeks. Logan gripped her shoulders to support her, while Kendall had an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders to support him.

Doctor Griffin looked tired, tired beyond belief. He turned to Nurses Jo and Camille with a heavy sigh, looking at the three with fatigue-filled dark brown eyes. The three suspected the worst, when finally a small smile touched the man's lips.

"That boy has one strong will to live...the surgery was successful." That was all that was needed to make Kelly break down, in happy tears though, in Logan's arms, while said boy and Kendall felt the heavy weights on their chests disappear into thin air.

"R-really?! My baby, everything is okay with him?!" Nurse Camille nodded and answered this time.

"Yes, everything went without a hitch. James did wonderfully, and he's now in a much more stable condition. Doctor Griffin was able to get all the excess water out and now the blood circulation through his brain is all smooth sailing. As for the collapsed lung, there was air and gas trapped in his chest cavity; fortunately, we were able to insert a tube between the walls of the rib cage and lungs for the air and gas to escape from the chest cavity. He'll have to stay here for a few more days, to be sure that all the excess air and gas in the chest cavity have been removed. For the broken leg, it will also take some time for the bones to mend, thankfully none of his muscles were torn, but we'll be able to release him with a cast on. We just want to keep him longer for the sake of the collapsed lung, and because it would be better for him to recover from surgery here than to move him at the moment."

Everyone let out a relieved sigh, though they went serious when Nurse Jo cleared her throat.

"Despite surgery being a success however, we have some concerns to voice. First, James has vocal cord paralysis; it's a condition when both vocal cords are stunned and can increase the risk of bacterial infections and aspiration. Doctor Griffin had him examined and he's had this problem for more than six months, more specifically a year."

Kelly felt faint now. "A-and it's fatal?"

"If not treated, it can be. There are two options to fix this problem: vocal therapy and surgery. Surgery is usually the last resort and surprisingly James' vocal cords can recover though it will take some time. Right now we don't know how many sessions he will need in order to acquire full function of his vocal cords again, but it is the first step to recovery in that area." Nurse Jo said, reading her clipboard.

'Like Shane told me last night.' Kendall though bleakly, holding back the urge to lash out in rage; Logan's voice broke him out of his train of thought.

"W-what else is there? I mean, what other concerns do you have about J-James?" Doctor Griffin's expression went dark at this.

"He has signs of abuse, physical and sexual trauma."

Logan's eyes went wide, though Kendall and Kelly were able to keep their crumbling composure. "He does?" Kelly choked out, biting her lower lip.

"Yes, he has major signs of physical abuse. His whole body is littered...with cuts and welts and burns, I will say it was very hard not to lose it during surgery. I suspected sexual trauma as well due to the bruises I found on his hips and thighs but the rape kit you asked us to do after surgery proved my suspicion right: James was sexually assaulted, possibly in the last forty-eight hours from the fresh look of the bruises. The rape kit came back in a short hour or two, and it was positive for fluids." He said, Logan looking like he was to hurl.

James...was raped?

"From there, we did a test for STDs. That test result won't come in a week or so, but it's best to check. And...from what I've studied and seen in other past rape victims, this abuse has been going on for a while; it doesn't have a month or two of going on." Griffin went on, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"H-how long do you think, Doc?" Kendall asked.

"My best guess...more than a year."

'So I was right; Shane has been doing this a long time.' Kelly thought, taking several deep breaths.

'J-James, oh God.' Logan thought, horrified.

'That sick bastard...' Kendall thought, angrily.

"S-sir, if I wanted to open a criminal investigation and charge the person responsible for this, can I?" Kelly asked; the doctor nodded.

"Yes, from the rape kit were were able to collect samples that can possibly be from the assailant; there was skin residue under Mister Diamond's fingernails and we did find some strands of hair as well. All we have to do is run them for DNA. If you wish to open an investigation you may, after all you are the only adult blood relative around at this time; you have the power to make decisions for your nephew, as he is a minor and the parents aren't available."

"Would semen samples be able to help too?" Kendall asked, thinking of the rags; he grabbed his sports bag and pulled out a large plastic bag, it filled of the rags he used to clean James up the night he found him.

Doctor Griffin nodded and Kendall handed the large plastic bag to Nurse Jo. "We'll need everything we can get on our hands on to identify the assailant."

"C-can we see James?" Logan asked, asking one of the key questions. Nurse Camille sighed.

"Well yes but only one at a time, and we need to keep the visit to at least five minutes; James needs to rest."

Kelly turned to Kendall, shaky smile on. "Y-you go first, dear. After all, Jamie would have been dead that night if you haven't shown up when you did. I'll explain everything to Logan, I can see he has so many questions." She whispered.

"A-are you sure, Kelly?"

"Yes, and I'd rather it be me here when Shane comes back; I won't hesitate to have him arrested the moment he walks into this hospital." She answered, ushering him towards Nurse Camille.

Kendall took a deep breath and nodded before following said nurse to James' hospital room, leaving a babbling Logan behind.

**_-Page Break-_**

Kendall entered the room slowly and quietly, under Nurse Camille's instructions. He made sure the door made no noise as he closed it behind him, he approaching the bed cautiously.

His eyes took in the state of James, and he was torn between feeling relieved and devastated.

He had a large bandage wrapped around his head from the venticulostomy. The cut on the side of his head was patched up, and his leg was in a cast. He had an IV in one arm, a tube sticking out of his chest among the rest of them out of his arms and a wrap around his swan neck. He was breathing on his own though, and the heart monitor declared his heart was doing okay.

He looked terrible, the bruises from the beating still healing, but he looked better now than he had before.

'Oh God, James...' Kendall thought, reaching out and taking one of James' hands in his. It was warm and soft the skin but the dirty blonde could feel the bones underneath. James was underweight, something no doubt Doctor Griffin was telling Kelly at this minute.

Kendall didn't sit on the bed, he just stood there holding the other's hand; a lone tear fell from his right eye though, it landing on James' knuckles.

He had nothing to say; what could he say? There was nothing he could think of that existed on the planet that could make this bleak situation a little better.

But...something eventually come to him. Not verbally though, mentally.

'If it's the last thing I ever do, I promise I won't let anyone, especially Shane, lay a hand on you. I promise you, James...'


	7. Behind Those Eyes

Hey! New chapter, can't say much but I want to dedicate this to Kames all the way! Sweetie, thank you so much for supporting my story! I love you so much, hope this chapter makes you smile! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush!**

* * *

When Kendall left James's room, he was met with a world of chaos. Police officers swarmed the scene, Kelly talking to the head of the squad while two of his best men surrounded Shane. One was reading him his Miranda rights while the other cuffed him with his hands behind his back; Shane kept his head ducked, hazel-green eyes hard but his expression read fear.

His expression read fear, pure intoxicating fear.

He locked eyes with the dirty blonde through his caramel brown bangs, jaw set tight.

'You are a fucking bastard, Knight.'

'I said you wouldn't get away with this, Shane.' It was like the two were having a mental showdown, Kendall standing his ground even when Shane was led out of the hospital, surrounded by burly, heavily-armed officers ready take him down if necessary to protect the patients, patients' relatives, doctors and nurses all around them.

Kendall swallowed hard, Logan moving to stand beside him. Both boys had grim, haunted expressions on. "Kelly...s-she told me about what Shane has been doing to James. I...I-I can't believe that h-he..." Logan couldn't finish his sentence, the sick sensation that had come over him when said aunt told him everything coming back.

Kendall balled his hands up into fists, bushy eyebrows thick, sharp arrows over his deep bottle green eyes. "They won't charge him and take this to trial until James is conscious and the DNA results come in, right?" He asked.

He didn't have to hear the verbal response; Logan's prolonged silence said it all.

so in a way, Shane wasn't go to paying for what he's done. Not yet.

**_-Page Break-_**

Three days passed.

Three long days. Kendall was still surprised time has passed by so fast. For the last three days, Shane has been held in custody of the Sherwood Police Department. For the last three days Kelly has tried to see if she could convince Connie and Michael's difficult boss, Gustavo Rocque, to let them come back earlier than five months to see James and deal with Shane.

And for the last three days, Kendall Knight has been going back and forth between his house and the hospital to visit James.

Just as he promised, he was going to stay by the brunette's side and keep him safe and accompanied. He was there from the start of visiting hours, with Kelly, and didn't leave until he was gently shooed away by Nurse Camille, who Doctor Griffin put in charge of James.

Said brunette has begun the road to recovery fairly well these last few days. His brain activity was improving, his breathing pattern has gotten stronger, and overall the bruises once a deep purple marring his body were yellowing, growing faint. He still hasn't woken up, but his face didn't look as sunken as before.

He actually looked asleep, not a corpse still with color in its cheeks.

But Logan didn't come back to visit him, not since after the day Shane was arrested. The only people that came to see him was Kelly Wainwright, James' loving, protective aunt and Kendall Knight, a complete stranger to James.

A stranger; a word normally associated with a bad person, but in this case talking about someone that over time will form a strong, unbreakable bond with the broken, in much-need-of-love brunette.

**_-Page Break-_**

"He's looking better and better little by little, each day. He's been so brave and strong, I'll make sure that he feels right at home with me when he gets out of here." Kelly said with a fond smile, fishing out the dead poppies and roses out of the vase on James' bedside table to replace them with fresh ones.

Kendall smiled up at the tall, willowy woman from his chair at James' side, she carefully perching herself on the sleeping brunette's bed to reach out and stroke his soft, caramel brown hair.

"Yeah, he'll be coming out of here a hell lot stronger. So you're taking James to live with you once he's been discharged?" He asked, getting an energetic nod in return from Kelly.

"Yes, I've talked to Connie and Michael and they've agreed to let me be James' temporary legal guardian until they come back. For the next five months, mi casa will be su casa; I went ahead and called for my things to be brought up here in a moving van. I have decided to come live here to be closer to my nephew; James will need a lot of support for what's still to come: voice therapy, counseling for survivors of sexual, physical and emotional abuse, meeting with a dietician to help him overcome his anorexia. There's so much he still needs to face, and I refuse to leave him alone; I left alone with...with Shane and look how that worked out." She said, both of their expressions slightly darkening at the thought of the sleeping brunette's jailed twin.

"Well we won't have to worry about him for much longer. Once he stands before a trial and gets charged with rape, James won't have to live with the memories any longer. He'll be free once and for all, and the years with Shane will all just be part of a long, bad dream he's finally waking up from." Kendall said, though he heavily sighed a few minutes later.

"Kendall what's wrong, you look down all of a sudden." Kelly said, reaching out with her free hand to ruffle the boy's dirty blonde hair. Kendall sighed again, looking guilt-ridden.

"I feel bad for having put Logan on the spot, you know when I called him to see James. I mean I remembered you told me that he and Logan had something, but I didn't think it was...you know, a romantic relationship. I had no idea and I've been feeling really bad about it for these last few days; I shouldn't have done that, it must have been a heavy blow to see James after so long and with the way things were..." Kendall went on rambling but Kelly gently shushed him, one hand to his lips.

"Kendall dear, you had no idea. All you knew was that they were close once and you only wanted to provide the best emotional support for my Jamie. You were just thinking what was best for James and besides, Logan may not visit James but he always calls and texts me asking how he's doing. It's hard for him right now but I'm sure in time he'll come around. I mean, he still cares about James." She said, pointing to the stuffed snowman leaning against the vase of poppies and roses.

it was a cute little snowman, with a carrot nose and coal eyes. He had on a top hat and a long purple scarf, button mouth in a smile and a broom in his left hand.

It had been a gift from Logan. Said raven had left it on Kelly's doorstep, with a note attached asking her to give it to James. He may have been afraid to see James face-to-face again, but he showed his love and concern for the hazel-green eyed beauty through the little messages he sent via text and Falco the snowman.

Logan remembered how James loved the snow, even though he wanted to one day move to California to become famous.

Kendall smiled, loving how stitched in the snowman's scarf was James' name in cursive. "Yeah, Logan sometimes doesn't like to take a risk but...I know he'll come and see James again one of these days. I just have this feeling, plus he has a knack for gifts." He said, Kelly rolling her eyes.

"So do you, dear."

"You think? I mean, a bracelet isn't the best choice for a get-well gift..."

Kelly moved her eyes from the blonde biting his lower lip to the woven bracelet around James' left wrist.

She leaned closer to get a better look at it, smiling softly to herself.

The woven bracelet around James' wrist was simple, a charm bracelet Kendall had made by hand. The color scheme was purple (James' top favorite color) and green (his runner-up color), with four small charms: a star (because James wanted to be famous), the Virgo sign (James' zodiac sign), a small sapphire (his birthstone) and a broken heart stitched up down the middle (a tattoo that once caught James' eyes at a parlor).

Kendall had made it with all the help he could get from Kelly, who knew her nephew well like the back of her hand. The blonde didn't know James well, not yet, but he wanted to get him a gift. He wanted to show his support in a physical manner as well as in an emotional and mental manner.

And to Kelly's eyes it was the ideal gift; James, despite coming from a rich family, was not materialistic. He preferred things small yet sentimental. Much like Kendall. The two had some things in common, even though they were extremely different.

"I think it is the ideal gift for him, dear." Kelly said with a tone of finality, Kendall smart to know that arguing further wouldn't gain him anything.

"I guess so. I wonder how long will it be befor-" Kelly, who had been stroking James' hair this whole time, gasped and nearly fell off the bed, that greatly alarming Kendall.

"Kelly, what's wrong?!"

"J-James, his eyes...!"

Kendall felt his tongue go slack but he scrambled out of his chair and had his eyes fall on James's face, searching hard.

Then a gasp left him, eyes going wide.

He saw...James' eyelids flutter a little, eyes rolling under the skin. The skin under his eyes pinched upwards, followed by a tremble of his lower lip.

Oh God...

'James?'

As if hearing his thought, James' eyes fluttered under their lids again, followed by a slow, short outtake of breath.

"James?"

"Jamie, s-sweetie?"

James said nothing; his left hand, however, moved. His fingers curled around Kendall's, whose hand had been only inches away.

"J-James, can...can you hear me?"

the fingers curled tighter around the paler ones it touched; a light pressure was applied to them, followed by a twitch.

Slowly a pair of hazel-green eyes, dull and disoriented, flew open. They were dull, they were disoriented, and they were filled with fatigue but were still looking around the room, taking in everything around them.

They took in the poppies on the bedside table, and the snowman plush; they took in the blank, white walls and door, the tall willowy woman with tears now shining in her big, brown eyes.

but when those eyes fell upon the blonde, they widened; a lone tear rolled down James' cheek.

"James?" Kendall said in a whisper softly, gently.

'H-he...he...is here...?'


	8. I'm With You

Hey everyone! Ready for more? I know I am, thank you all for the reviews! The support and words from readers just make me smile; I am honored that you all have chosen to read my story, it's an honor really and I promise to do my best to make this story an experience all will remember! Thank you everyone for the favorites, the follows, everything! And thank you to Kames all the way for telling me about any errors in the work! I most appreciate it, my dear brother and sorry for them too! I'm using my iPad to write these chapters, still not use to it, but I promise to get better at it! Let me know of any errors in future chapters and I'll fix them in a jiffy! Okay onwards to the new chapter! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! But I really wish I can meet them, that would be a big time blast! :)**

* * *

"Oh my God, J-Jamie!" Kelly choked out, getting up from the floor (she nearly fainted when she saw said brunette's hand twitch around Kendall's) and towering over her now awake nephew.**  
**

Kendall said nothing but a big smile pulled at his lips; his dimples came out and his deep bottle green eyes seemed to gain a new, brighter glow.

His expression resembled that a child's on Christmas Day.

James continued to stare at the two in complete loss, confusion; why was his aunt here? Shouldn't she be in Los Angeles reading people's fortunes and predicting the future, something his mom Brooke was going to teach him how to do before the accident? And Kendall, he was still here?

What happened? James' mind was blank, he couldn't remember much of anything. The last thing, and it was blurry too, he could remember was running. He was running; he couldn't recall from who he was running from or why, but he had been running like a maniac with a serious limp down a street and then...then all was a tangled black mess of nothingness from there. He couldn't remember what happened after that, just running away and seeing Shane's grinning face staring do-

At this James went rigid, eyes now wide as dinner plates.

"James, James what's wrong?!" Kendall asked, smile falling as his facial expression morphed from content to concern in seconds.

Said brunette began shaking, violently shaking; tears ran faster, and boiling, down his face while short, sharp gasps left his trembling lips.

"Oh no, he's having a panic attack! Kendall, stay with h-him! Camille, Camille please come! My nephew, he's having a panic attack!" Kelly screamed as she ran out of the room to find the nurse in charge of James, all the while Kendall struggled to calm the poor boy down.

"James, James listen to me! I-It's okay, you're safe now! Shane can't touch you anymore!" At this James had his eyes meet the blonde's.

'What the bloody hell is he talking about?! I'm in a fucking hospital, a p-public place! H-he's going to come get me, and then he'll...! N-no, I have to get...o-out of here!' James' train of thought was all in a panic now; he began struggling, trying to move his arms to pull the IV out and the tube still in his chest cavity.

thankfully Kendall saw that coming and wrapped his hands around James' wrists, careful not to press the healing bruises there, and forced the brunette to look him in the eyes again.

"James please stop, you're just hurting yourself here! Please calm down and listen: I know what Shane has done to you, Kelly knows too! We know he's been raping and beating you for the last four years, but it's over now! We got evidence and DNA on him and he's been arrested; he's been in police custody for three days now and he'll be in custody until a trial is set! He's been arrested and will be charged with rape, James! You're not going to have to deal with him anymore, it's okay!"

James went deadly still at this, processing what the blonde had just shared with him. Kendall could practically see the gears twisting and turning in the brunette's head.

'S-Shay...he's been arrested? No...oh no, no, no! I let my brother get arrested! I-I'm suppose to be with him always and forever; Dad said twins can't be separated! N-Now he's by himself...no, no, no! Shane!' James began violently shaking again, high pitched squeaks leaving him as he began fighting again.

"J-James, please stop! I know you're scared and he's your brother but he had no right to do that to you! I know you love him, but he hasn't been loving you the right way!"

At this, James finally broke down; soundless sobs left him, heart monitor spiking up and down like a crazy roller-coaster.

'I know, b-but he's all I have...!' James screamed in his head, soon starting to shake his head sharply back and forth; luckily Nurse Camille and Kelly came rushing in, the pale-skinned brunette shoving Kendall aside as she went to check James' vitals and restrain him as best she could. If he kept this up, he could seriously hurt himself!

"You two need to leave, now! He's having a panic attack, most likely suffering from PTSD! I'll get him to calm down but you two need to leave now! Most likely the stress of the recent events and regaining consciousness have finally hit him full-force; I'll let you know when it's okay to see him again, but please leave now!" Nurse Camille exclaimed, prepping a sedative to inject into James' IV.

"N-no, I can't leave him!" Kendall began protesting but Kelly dropped her hands heavily upon her shoulders, expression grim.

"Kendall, us staying here will only stress out James more. Let's wait in the waiting room, she'll let us know when it's okay to come in and be with him again okay? We have to trust her on this." The tall, willowy woman said, staring hard into Kendall's eyes.

The dirty blonde bit his lower lip. He wanted to argue, fight and stay with James; he didn't want to leave him alone, he promised he wouldn't even for a day! He's been sleeping little for the last few days, counting down the hours until he was with the other boy again!

But the look in James' eyes...he was scared of them.

He was scared of Kendall, of him.

And Kendall didn't want him to be scared of him, scared of them so he closed his eyes and let Kelly tow him out of the room, unable to block out James' barely audible, yet extremely terrified screams.

**_-Page Break-_**

Kendall and Kelly were pacing the waiting room, anxious and jumpy.

It's been almost an hour. Nurse Jo had to come in and calm the two down several times before going off to check and see if Camille needed help.

According to the blonde, Camille managed to calm James down with a sedative but had to report this to Doctor Griffin. The gray-haired man wanted to be kept up-to-date about everything concerning their young patient; he was arranging to get James all the help he would need for the upcoming months following his release from the hospital tomorrow morning, and all free of charge. He didn't have the heart to charge Kelly for all the counseling and treatment her nephew would need; he helped deliver the boy seventeen years ago and has grown more fond of him over the last few days. Most doctors would frown at the affection Griffin had for James, but the man didn't give a damn.

He wanted what Kendall, Kelly, Jo and Camille wanted: for James to recover from the hell he's been secretly living in for the past four years.

If James only knew how loved he was; if only he knew that Shane wasn't all he had...

"It's been an hour already, what is taking them so long?!" Kendall said, frustrated and worried beyond belief. Kelly sighed and wrapped her arms around the boy, rubbing his back in slow, soothing circles.

"Kendall, calm the heck down! James did put up quite a fight back there, they're probably making sure he didn't pull the draining tube out of his chest or further irritated his ribs! Listen, I'll stay here and wait for Camille to let us know when we can see Jamie, why don't you take a walk outside for a while? You're too high-strung, you need to be level-headed. Please listen to me, you need to be level-headed for James; I won't let you see him like this." She said, scolding as if she was talking to a small child.

Kendall gave her a light glare but it soon fell and sighed, nodding. "Y-you're right, sorry Kelly. Now that you mention it, I think I should go home to check on my mom and Katie; though as soon as Camille lets you know we can see James, call me and I'll come running okay?" He asked, a little shy at the end.

Kelly rolled her big brown eyes, smiling though. "I will, now go get some steam out."

**_-Page Break-_**

"No Kendall, for the last time I said no!" Said dirty blonde frowned, unable to believe it.

"Come on, Logan! You haven't seen James since Shane got taken away; he'll need all the support we can offer him when he starts counseling and voice therapy in three weeks!" Kendall went on again, said raven trying to ignore him.

Kendall and Logan were in the raven's living room. After checking in on his mom and Katie (and promising to take their get-well cards and roses to James on his way back to the hospital), Kendall made a stop at the Mitchell household to see if he could convince Logan to come visit James.

So far though, the smart boy was being as stubborn as a two-ton boulder.

"What part of 'Me and James use to date, it's really hard and awkward to see him again after so long', do you not understand?!" Logan demanded hotly, slamming his book shut. Kendall crossed his arms over his chest, hair wild under his black beanie.

"Everything. Everything Loges! Listen, I get that you two use to date and things didn't end so great and all, but this isn't about that! It's about helping James get better; you're a doctor-to-be, you know how hard it will be for him to recover from the crap Shane's put him through; it will only be even harder though if he faces this alone! Yeah he has Kelly, but he can have us there too! I know this is hard for you, but he needs us!"

"Why the hell do you care so much anyway, Ken?" Logan asked, that making Kendall freeze up in confusion.

"What do you mean by that, Logan?"

"You and James aren't even friends; you two have been going to the same schools since we were five, and until now the both of you have never even noticed each other. You're nothing to him: not a friend, not even a classmate! And now you're acting as if you care, what the hell?" At this Kendall's face went into a hard glare.

"Are you serious, Logan?! Just because me and James aren't friends doesn't mean I can't care about him!"

"He's nothing to you, Kendall!"

"And is he something to you, Logan? Is he something to you, when you're so stuck on the past that you won't just drop it and be there for him, the ex-boyfriend that no doubt you're still in love with?!" Logan breathed deeply through his nose, nostrils flaring.

"I never said that." Was all he could make into words. Kendall scoffed at this, though.

"As if your attitude doesn't make that crystal clear, but I'm not here to tell you the obvious; I'm here to get you to open your eyes and support him, support HIM, Logan! He needs us, needs you. Look, I'm going to take a crack at your thought process right now and say, you feel guilty because you broke up with James while he was getting raped and beaten by Shane. Am I right, is that what is holding you back?"

Logan's eyes darkening said it all, the mocha brown turning pitch black.

"I know you blame yourself; you got mad with James and broke up with him, but it's not all your fault. James didn't tell you because he wanted to protect you. When someone is in a situation like that, all they care about is protecting those they love by hiding the fact they're being abused. They don't want people to know about it, because they're ashamed and upset and feel like if the world finds out, it will turn against them. I understand you feel like you let him down, but...you would really be letting him down if you don't support him in dealing with this. I think he still cares about you; you meant a lot to him, and I know that if you're with him, he'll get through this much easier. I'm not saying as a boyfriend, I don't know about that, but as his best friend. The two us of can help him get this through, Logan. I know we can." Kendall said, getting up from the couch as a text from Kelly came in.

"Look I have to go, but please...please think about it, okay? I know what's it like to deal with this: my mom dealt with being abused by my dad until I was eight, then she had enough and got his sorry ass arrested. With my grandma's support, she got through it, and with me and Katie too. Now she's way stronger than when she was with him." Was all the blonde said before he made for the door; Logan sighed as the hinges creaked as Kendall left, the heater chasing away the cold air that snuck in from outside.

Logan's eyes fell on the picture of James he kept in the living room, tears falling as memories started to take him away little by little.

**_-Page Break-_**

"And after your surgery, we had a rape kit done. It tested positive for fluids, and from there...we had Shane arrested, and I plan to charge him with rape in the second degree. The trial won't take take place for a while though, until you're all better. I'm not going to put you through anymore trouble until you're a hundred percent in the clear." Kelly finished telling James about everything that's happened in the last few days, stroking his hair as he listened.

The brunette was calm, thanks to the sedative and pain medication and his aunt's wind chime-like voice. His eyes rested on the charm bracelet around his left wrist but he nodded from time to time, listening hard.

So all of that had happened while he was practically out cold; it was so much to take in, but he didn't feel dizzy at the amount of information. For him, it was better to know everything than to be kept in the dark.

'I'm sorry.' As if reading her nephew's thoughts, Kelly smiled and kissed James' forehead tenderly, careful of the bandages.

"Oh sweetie, all that matters now is that you're safe and that you'll get better. You'll get better I promise, and I will do my best to make sure you're happy living with me, okay?"

James felt a little flutter in his stomach. The thought of living with his aunt flooded him with relief; as much as he loved the house he grew up in...there were too many bad memories.

Too many bad memories that he didn't want to face, at least not right now.

"Hey, how is he doing?" James went a little stiff at the new voice, but relaxed slightly when he saw it was Kendall.

Said blonde had two new vases filled with roses and get-well cards, he setting all of the gifts down in the empty chair beside the door before he walked slowly to Kelly's side, smiling sweetly down at James.

'I can't believe...he saved me, and that...h-he's still here, for me...' James thought, in complete awe. His facial expression didn't betray him though, thankfully, or he would have turned red in embarrassment.

"He's doing just fine now. I explained everything to him, he's taking it way better than I thought. But he is Brooke Athena Diamond's son, both with such strong wills. Our parents gave us middle names inspired by Greek gods, since our father was a fan of that." Kelly said, adding that last part when Kendall looked amused, in a nice way, at James' mom's middle name.

"Yeah well I'm not too surprised; James is like a lion on the ice rink during our school games: fierce and powerful, but really graceful too." Kendall said, a warm fuzzy feeling going on inside him as James' eyes lit up; it was a sign that if he could smile without his face hurting too much, he would.

'Thank you.'

'You're welcome.'

"Yes, that's my precious little baby boy. Kendall, now that you're here...I have a favor to ask of you. I had an appointment with my lawyer today at two originally but he had to reschedule for six tonight. I can't miss out on this, I want to make sure that when the trial comes I'm ready for anything in order to protect James, but I don't want to leave him alone here either. I don't want him to spend the night here alone so...will you stay with him tonight? I already talked with Camille about this and she said it was okay for one night, but will you?"

Kendall bit his lower lip at this. "Are you sure about that, Kelly? I mean, I don't want James to feel like he has to trust me. I don't want to overwhelm-" The blonde didn't get to finish his sentence though, when he felt a slightly larger but thinner hand grab his.

Kendall turned to see James had reached for his hand, careful not to stretch and pull anything. The brunette tucked at his hand like a child, eyes on him.

'If Auntie t-trusts you...then I-I can too.' James thought half confident half scared, hoping what he wish he could say out loud was clear in his eyes; the pools of hazel-green seemed to turn a dark gold in pleading.

"Are you sure...?" Kendall asked out loud, not caring if it seemed weird that he was answering James' mental pleas. He got another tug in response.

'I don't want to be a-alone...' A light squeeze came with that, followed by another tug at Kendall's hand.

A silence shortly followed before Kendall turned to smile quickly at Kelly. "I'll look after him, I promise." He said before moving his gaze to James. His smile grew at seeing the relief in the brunette's expression; he must have been really nervous about being left alone.

"Thank you, Kendall." Kelly said though the boys didn't catch that. They were still semi-talking telepathically, so to speak.

'I'm scared...I don't want to be alone. But p-please don't hurt me, K-Kendall...'

"Y-you won't be, James. I promise, I promise you're going to be...you're going to be alright. And I'll be right here, all night; I'll keep the dark away, I promise. I won't hurt you, I promise you that too."


	9. Concrete Angel

Hi, umm an early update from me huh? Yeah...I couldn't sleep and wanted to get this chapter all written down and posted because there is some actual Kames interaction in this chapter, a whole chapter dedicated to them. Even if it's not romantic, it is something that sparks the beginning of their friendship. So enjoy, and thanks BB for reviewing! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I love them sure, they are like older brothers to me, but sadly I don't own them!**

* * *

It wasn't long before night fell that day. According to the calendar, today was December sixteenth; that meant that there were eight days left until Christmas Eve.

And that tomorrow, December seventeenth, James will finally be discharged from the hospital.

James couldn't fight off the rush of both excitement and fear he felt when his mind drifted to a clear, gray sky and streets lined with freshly fallen snow. He was tired of being here. He's always hated hospitals; the sterile smell, the blank walls, the silence. All of that psyched him out, made him feel as if he was in a horror movie just waiting to slaughtered by Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers.

James Dylan Diamond hated feeling vulnerable. His twin brother Shane has made him feel that way in their own home for the past four years; he was use to the sensation of constantly being watched, the tension so thick not even a butcher knife would be able to cut through it. He was use to it in his own home, the vulnerability, but the outside world didn't always make him feel that way. At school and during hockey practice, James was his own person. He wasn't his twin's shadow and vice-versa, not allowed to talk to anyone. In the outside world, he had some voice. In the outside world, he was free of the Hell he's dealt with for so long, even if it was for only an hour or two.

And he'd really like to get back to that, have some of that precious freedom back.

"Are you okay?" The brunette was pulled out of his thoughts at Kendall's voice, he moving his deep hazel-green eyes to the meet the dirty blonde's face.

Kendall was dressed in his pajamas: a white long-sleeve with gray plaid bottoms, another pair of fuzzy socks on only this time they were zebra print. He had on a red beanie and was adjusting his pillow and blanket around in the chair that would be his bed tonight, facial expression concerned though.

He must have noticed James' faraway gaze and thought the worst: Shane and the painful memories he's made for the poor boy; was James being troubled by them again?

James nodded his head, crossing his arms over his chest.

Despite the fact he asked for the blonde to stay, he couldn't help but feel a little edgy. After all his rapist was male and Kendall was male, so...he couldn't help but clam up.

James always felt comfortable, and proud, of being an open pansexual since he found out his sexual orientation but rape had that kind of power over its victims. Not only did James doubt himself as a person, but trusting others, strangers or not, seemed very impossible right now.

He felt disgusted even with his Aunt Kelly, when she was stroking gently his soft caramel brown hair.

Once that gesture of affection promised him love. Now, it only promised him the possibility of being abused again.

'I don't want to sleep, if I do...I'll dream and...no, I can't fall asleep.' James thought with a shiver, unconsciously moving his hands to grip the thin, white bed sheets.

This white, all this white was driving him crazy! He was a poet, and he once always use to see the world in a rainbow of colors. White to him meant emptiness, loneliness. White reminded him of Shane. How he would make his brother hide their dirty little secret, white out his whole life only to piece it back together in his own way.

White meant nothing existed, no it meant he never existed. Shane did what he wanted with his baby brother; no one stopped him, no one tried to.

Instead, they ignored how every day for the last four years new bruises would show up on James' arms. They, the whole world and its people, chose to ignore how during lunch (in the boys' bathroom) he got a split lip. They chose to ignore the fact that James took to carrying lubricant and condoms everywhere he went, at the mere age of fourteen.

They chose to let him suffer, no one cared enough to find out what the fuck was going on.

'Even L-Logan left me, he didn't stick around like he promised he would...! He lied, he fucking lied like S-Shane did, and like him everyone will lie to me! No one cares about me, no one! I-I bet even Mom was happy to be rid of me, compared to Shane I was nothing but just a pretty face! I'm ugly, and stupid, and gross and sick, a-and worthless!'

James soon got lost in his memories, though all of them changed in less than ten seconds: his mom ending up in a coma, that stupid party before freshman year, the first time Shane raped him in his own bed, when Logan dumped him, leaving him truly alone.

All the blood he's lost, the lies he's had to tell, the drastic change from a cheerful, happy loudmouth to a depressed, silent rape victim and loner. The nights, after the beatings, that James would spent cutting at his legs and ankles to release some of the agony he's was silently carrying. And the sleeping pills, the pills he'd steal from the medicine cabinet in his dad and step-mom's bedroom to swallow; he'd take those pills to sleep and ignore the bruises and welts and sores. He'd take those pills to sleep through the aftermath of the sexual encounters, sleep through rape after rape while they were going on even.

But all he did...never took his pain away.

'And no one ever tried to stop him. They just went with the bystander effect; I was in pain, but no one ever gave a fucking damn. They. Never. Did!'

"James, stop!"

Suddenly the most haunting memory of them all, a sadistically smirking Shane, lost its shape. Shane's brown hair went a bit shorter and spiky, and turned a dirty blonde color. His thin eyebrows went bushy, and his dark eyes went a bright green, like the color of those fancy champagne bottles. His dark chocolate skin paled to a soft vanilla, and soon...the panicked, extremely worried face of Kendall Donald Knight was before James' eyes. They weren't in the Diamond mansion, but back in the present, in the hospital.

James let out a shaky gasp, noticing for the first time now that his nails were digging into his own wrists, pinching the thin skin until it turned a sickly pink. Tears were streaming hot and fast down his thin cheeks, and he had bitten his lower lip so hard that his teeth pierced the flesh, blood coloring his teeth.

He...he had just lost touch with reality. He had lost himself so deeply in the painful memories that he had start to actually relive them; every bruise and mark on his body throbbed, as if they were being delivered all over again.

'Oh God, why me?' James felt his stomach lurch painfully when he noticed blood had dripped down his chin, the smell of rust and salt (like pennies) hitting his nose hard.

James didn't like blood. It was gross, it made him squeamish; he reached out to wipe it away when Kendall gently slapped his hand away, almost ripping his sports bag in half as he threw the extra pillows and blankets inside to the floor before he had a whole roll of paper towels tucked under his left arm, under the other a cold bottle of water and Eco-friendly cup.

Kendall unscrewed the cap of the water bottle and held it up to James' lips, tearing a paper towel in half with his free hand. "Here, take a sip. Act as if you're using mouthwash, then spit into this cup." He said, already cleaning up the blood off James' strong chin for him.

James made a face and spat into Kendall's face; said blonde gaped at the slightly glaring brunette for the move before scoffing in disgust and wiping his face clean. "Ugh, dude that was gross! I mean, you got both spit and blood on me, YOUR blood!"

James flinched at the low but sharp tone and recoiled, forcing himself to sink further into his pillows; guilt racked Kendall almost instantly at seeing the fear in the other's eyes.

"W-wait, I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap at you! I just...here, let me finish cleaning you up." He said, shifting his weight on the bed to angle his body closer to James'; the other boy flinched again though and soon dug his dull nails into his pillows, visibly shaking.

Okay, Kendall was definitely making this worse for James!

The last thing he wanted was to freak the traumatized brunette out even more than he already was!

Kendall put down the water bottle, cup and paper towels, hands up in the universal sign of surrender; thankfully he managed to get all the blood off James' chin before the other had flinched away.

"Look, I-I didn't mean to snap at you. I just got really scared there for a second; you had a distant look in your eyes, then you started crying and screaming, I was worried you'd damage more your vocal cords" At this James looked Kendall in the eye.

'Wait, s-so he knows about that? Wait he helped me that night too, he was the one who actually cared. But why him, we've never talked before. We're not friends or anything, but then why...?' James was confused, lost.

Kendall, not noticing the brunette's confusion, went on. "You looked like you were remembering something, about Shane. I saw it in your eyes, you had a look...that it seemed like you saw Jason Voorhees himself or something. I got s-scared, I was afraid he was still hurting you and that I was already failing at keeping my promise to you.

'Promise?' James thought, hazel-green eyes falling on the charm bracelet on his wrist.

His favorite colors: green and purple. His birthstone: sapphire. The star: his dream to be famous. His zodiac sign, Virgo: September fourth fell under the Virgo sign. The broken heart mended up the front: a tattoo he saw once in a parlor, it caught his attention because inside he felt he was broken possibly beyond repair.

Kendall...made the charm bracelet for him. In a way it wasn't just a get-well gift on the blonde's behalf but a physical tie. It was the physical tie of his promise to James, a promise...he could faintly remember.

'He promised he'd...protect me, won't let anything or anyone hurt me, like S-Shane. He actually...cares.' James' eyes went wide at this realization, though Kendall took this as a bad sign.

"Ugh, I'm so stupid. Here I am trying to help and all I'm doing is making this harder on you. I'm sorry, James..."

'No!'

Kendall nearly fell backwards when James practically latched himself onto him, face in the shorter boy's left shoulder and arms tight around his neck.

He was hugging him, touching him. As much as James's body in the mental sense screamed at him to let go, he knew he needed this. This harmless, innocent gesture of comfort, there was no nasty or sleazy undertone to it.

It was just a hug, a hug a child gives to an adult it trusts, a hug common when said child is scared and needs comfort.

"J-James?" Said brunette felt Kendall's hands land lightly, cautiously, on his lower back.

He tensed, a natural reaction now due to the abuse, but he forced his body to relax and hugged Kendall tighter, shaking his head as tears began soaking through Kendall's long-sleeve.

He was trying to say, "Please stay!" though his action. And he only squeezed tighter and tighter, sobs only growing by the second.

A long silence followed and Kendall remained stiff before James heard a soft sigh; long, warm arms wrapped around his lower back, Kendall being careful not to touch the brunette's hips or ram into his broken leg as he hugged James back firmly but gently.

"Hey shhh...it's okay, it's okay James. I'm sorry if I scared you but it's okay. I promise though everything will be okay, I'm here and I won't let anything happen to you. It's okay, they're just bad memories, they can't hurt you. I won't let them I promise, now shhh...it's okay, you're going to be okay." Kendall whispered, humming softly to help soothe James.

James sniffled but tightened his grip again, this time nodding his head.

"Well I don't think you want to sleep after that episode, so...how about I tell you a little about myself? And you can ask me anything you want, anything at all. You can use my phone to type anything you want to say out, and if you're feeling comfortable enough you can tell me things about yourself too. How does that sound, you want to play twenty questions?" Kendall asked, pulling away slightly with a soft smile.

James ran his tongue over the cut on his lower lip but slowly nodded in response.

"Okay, twenty questions is it. I will warn you though, some of the things I like mark me as a geek, like the fact I like Spider-Man or that I'm a die-hard fan of Lucky Charms. I'm also a big lover of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, and that going to a mall with me would probably be torture since I tend to be a shopaholic." Kendall said with a sheepish grin.

Despite the fact the room was dark apart from the half moon outside...Kendall could have sworn James gave him a little smile at the Spider-Man fan confession.


	10. When It was Me

Hello! I can't say much since I have to do something later today, but a huge thank you to my sister BB and my brother Kames all the way! Totally appreciate the reviews and I'm happy I was able to make you both go "Aww"! And to those who have followed and added to favorites this story, thank you all as well! This story to me is a milestone; in a way it shows how much I've grown as a writer but also...it shows how strong I am inside to talk about a subject so close to home and the recovery it took to overcome it. This story is very dear to me, so thank you all very much and enjoy this next chapter. :) We start off with a little of Logan's morning this chapter, and some scenes with him as well, but a majority of it is still Kames friendship beginning to bloom. The Jagan vs Kames won't be for a while...though the chapter when James realizes Logan is slowly coming back into his life is not so far off. Anyway, enjoy! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! But if I did...that would big time awesome! ^.^ Oh, before I forget there are flashbacks in this, and they are in italics! Bold words, on the hand, represent text messages!**

* * *

Logan had thought over Kendall's words.

He had thought them over long and hard. Once he had shaken himself free of the memories, he had went about his normal routine but was deeply distracted. He couldn't concentrate on anything; he couldn't do his daily one-hour reading, or go do the normal (to him) OCD cleaning of his room. He made dinner for his mom and cleaned up the kitchen when he was done, but barely ate his portion and once he gave up went upstairs to bed.

He tossed and turned all night, in his black sweat pants and Batman tee, sweat clinging to his pale skin. A little after ten he merely kicked off the covers and grabbed an old photo off his bedside table, turning on his reading lamp.

It was of him and James again, though in this picture they were little kids instead of Tweens. Their moms (before Brooke's accident) that day had taken them to the park, just the two of them. Before Brooke got full custody of the twins, James mostly lived with her while Shane with their dad Michael.

Logan remembered that day with such a bitter fondness. On one hand, he had a lot of fun with James that day, them playing hide-and-seek and tag among the swings and piles of leaves. On the other hand though, he hated the fact that that was the last time they were together before they grew up, became high schoolers. That's when everything went downhill.

'We were kids back then; we were little and times then were easy.' Logan thought, tracing James' smile over the glass.

_"Ha, got you!" James exclaimed, wrapping his arms around Logan to stop him trying to run away._

_The smaller boy giggled, face flushed from the running and jumping they've been doing all afternoon. Still, he humored the taller boy by hugging him back, reaching out to play with a lock of James' hair. When they were kids, James' hair was longer; he use to wear it longer, pass his chin, before he had it trimmed for their freshman year._

_"Aww man, no fair Jamie! You have longer legs!" Logan whined, pouting._

_"So?" James shot back, sticking out his tongue playfully. Logan made a face._

_"You're mean. You're a meanie!"_

_"But I'm your meanie, right Logie-Bear?" James asked, pressing a kiss to the raven's flushed right cheek. Back when they were kids, James was much more affectionate with everybody. He'd always kiss his mom before bed and after school when she came to pick him up. He always hugged Logan when he came over to play, they had sleepovers almost every weekend and he soon added the habit of kissing the raven whenever he had the chance._

_Before Shane came to live with him and their mom, James was the most friendly and affectionate boy in their neighborhood. It was hard to not like the brunette; he was so sweet and nice._

'That was the James I knew; the one I grew up with. The James Diamond I fell for, and the one Shane killed a long time ago.' The sweetness of the memory grew sour at Logan's next thought, he temporarily seeing red.

To be honest, he never liked Shane. The other brunette always tried to outshine Logan, wanting to prove the raven wasn't as smart as him. Shane, at the time, may have been the best bodyguard for James, keeping him out of trouble and scaring away bullies, but Logan always had the idea that Shane wanted to outshine James too. He didn't know why he got that idea, but to him Shane somehow felt inferior to his baby brother, even though Mama and Papa Diamond loved their sons equally.

And now that he knew the truth, of the horrid things Shane has done to James over the years, the dislike he had for the older brother bordered hatred.

'But James...it wasn't his fault. Kendall was right; people in abusive relationships rarely speak up, either ashamed, scared or worried everyone around them will suffer too. I shouldn't have judged James so harshly...'

_"Logie-Bear...p-please don't do this to us!"_

_"I'm sorry James, but I'm sick of the secrets! I'm sick of the lies, you know how I HATE when people lie! Lying is what split my parents up, lying and secrets! I'm s-sorry but I can't deal with that!"_

_"L-Logan..."_

_"I'm sorry but...I-I'm breaking up with you, James. We're over."_

That memory haunted Logan all night; he couldn't sleep. So when the sun's early morning rays seeped into his room, Logan showered and got dressed. He got his truck started, waited a few minutes for the inside to warm up, before he mentally planned out the quickest route to Sherwood Emergency Hospital.

**_-Page Break-_**

Logan got to the hospital in less than fifteen minutes or so, obeying the rules of the road. He found a good parking spot and had the nurse at the front desk (Jo, he remembered her) get everything he needed for him to visit James done, though he froze when he saw Kelly head up in the elevator...to the second floor?

'James' room is on the third floor, for patients under eighteen. Where is she going?' Logan thought, curiosity getting the better of him.

He went for the stairs, since using the elevator too would just be a hassle, and stuck close to the walls when Kelly exited on her floor and headed for the room numbered one hundred twenty-two; that's when realization struck Logan.

'James' mom's room.'

_**-Page Break-**_

"Hey, Big Sis. How are you doing today?" Kelly whispered as she kissed the top of Brooke's head, wiping away a tear as she sat down at the other woman's side.

Kelly took Brooke's right hand, the coldness of it pulling at her heart quite painfully. Still she took a deep breath and rubbed it between both of her hands, smiling in spite of the sadness she always felt at seeing her older sister like this.

"You're still looking as beautiful as ever; I guess we got Dad's genes of everlasting youth or something like that, haha. Though Mom is looking great too, and Ma and Pa. I came to tell you that...James is being discharged today, and that he'll be going home with me. I bought a house here and I had all my house-remodeling contacts fix it up so it's all nice and tidy, though I fixed up James' room myself. I think he'll like it: I painted the walls green and purple and red, all the colors of the rainbow. I made sure not to leave one spot white, a-and I put up some pictures of you and him on the walls too, along with the poems he wrote for you and me and Ma and Pa; did I tell you I had them framed? Ha, I'm sorry but his poems are just so touching and deep, they were just begging to be framed! I got him a queen-sized bed, two for one deal, and purple sheets and long pillows. The pillows are red with yellow stitching, with horses on the front. I remembered James loves animals, especially horses they're his favorite, so I had those pillows specially made just for him. Oh and poppies, I put a vase full of fresh poppies on his bedside table for him, I know how he loves poppies.

Logan was silent as a mime he watched from the doorway, though he was sure Kelly was too lost with her sister to feel anything off around her.

"The carpet is a soft blue, I bet you can tell I went crazy with the colors and didn't care too much about blending. Then again...James was always a rainbow of colors, so happy and cheerful all the time though I didn't forget his superhero obsession in all my mess. I found a few Spider-Man posters while shopping for groceries and got them up on the walls too, he always felt safe with that Web-Head around somewhere. I also went ahead and bought James a whole new wardrobe; I know he has clothes of his own back home, I went there just to get things he'd really want back like his bandanas and lucky comb, but...I think some new clothes would be good for him too, sis. I want him to feel like it's a fresh, new start for him. Of course he'll have to face his past eventually, but I won't let him until he feels ready, okay? And Big Sis...please, help me stay strong for this too okay?

Kelly kissed her sister's hand, another tear leaving her. "I want to be there for Jamie. I'm not saying I want to take your place; no one can ever take your place. I'm saying...no asking that you please, p-please help me make the right decisions for him, you and The Lord. Please help me be the best...Auntie-Mom I can be. You know how much I love Jamie, and I know how much you miss him. He misses you too, a lot, but he's just like you. He's beautiful, smart, and very strong. He's been through...the most horrible, disgusting event that can humans can out each other through, something I wouldn't wish even on my worst enemy. I know it will take a while for him to go back to the happy, cheerful boy he use to be, but I can assure you...that I will do everything I can to make sure that happens. And he's not alone; a boy named Kendall...he's been with James with since he was hospitalized, four days ago.

Logan felt a pang go off in his chest at hearing Kendall's name; he had no idea why he suddenly felt upset though, felt upset his best friend has been with James practically 24/7 and not him.

"I can tell you right now, I don't know why he cares so much for James. I'm not saying it's bad, but a complete stranger making such a promise? Big Sis, he promised to never leave my baby's side, to protect him from anything and anyone that wants to hurt him. At first I thought this boy was just playing, you know joking around but...but he's been here every day, keeping James company even when I'm with him. He made him a bracelet, when he's out he keeps in contact with me to know how James is doing. I asked him to stay the night with him last night, because I had to meet with our family lawyer, and when I stopped by around midnight...I found them talking, telling each other things about themselves. I was shocked, for lack of a better word. James was actually...smiling, and he hasn't really smiled since being in the hospital! And it wasn't a fake smile, it was HIS smile! The smile that can light up a whole city, oh it was so beautiful! Jamie told him, via cell-phone, h-how he likes hockey but also football, that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is his favorite cereal and that his favorite number is twelve! J-James gets shy just talking about how he is slightly lactose intolerant for Pete's sake, but he was s-smiling thanks to this boy. And they were holding hands, holding hands sis! In just four days, Jamie is smiling again!

'Wait, all of that James told Kendall?' Logan thought, mocha brown eyes wide.

Sure Kendall had that easy-going, down-to-earth vibe going for him but James was often the type of guy who didn't just babble on about he favorite sport or number until he was hundred percent comfortable with the person!

Did James trust Kendall already?!

Logan snapped out of it when Kelly went on talking, brushing her sister's hair gently off her face. "I don't know what this boy is after, sis...but I think he will be good to have around James. I don't know why but he looks like he's the type of guy that makes promises and gives it his all to keep them. I'm a little skeptical still, probably the overprotective side of me coming out, but I will admit I never got a bad vibe from Kendall since meeting him, getting to know him a little, and seeing how he treats Jamie. He's been nothing but caring and supportive, two things James will need a lot of for the next few months. I will keep an eye on him, but for right now I'm not seeing anything bad coming from them being together, being friends.

Kelly soon rose to her feet, Logan having to ditch so she wouldn't catch him, but he was able to see the good-bye kiss she pressed to Brooke's cheek, and hear her last words before rushing off to catch the elevator.

"I promise I'll bring James over one of these days to visit you, Big Sis. Just hold on and keep fighting; I know you'll get through this, I can feel it."

**_-Page Break-_**

Logan hid himself safely in a corner as he watched Kelly hug a sleepy-smiling James, he patting her on the back.

Kendall stood behind James, also sleepy-smiling with his clothes all ruffled from sleeping in a chair, dirty blonde hair messy under his red beanie.

"Hello sweetie, sorry I'm late. There was an important person I needed to see, you're just as important to me too so no pouting, but I got up here as fast as I could. How are you feeling, are you okay with the clothes I brought you? I have a back-up outfit if you wish to change, dear." Kelly said, combing James' hair for him with his lucky comb.

James went red in embarrassment and tilted his head away from his aunt's reach. As much as he loved being coddled, he just wanted to leave this place already. He was already hating the fact that he would have to get around on crutches and a wheelchair (which he was in right now) until his leg was fully healed.

Plus, he had to be alone in order to change again; he had everyone in his room, even Nurse Camille, stay outside until he managed a change out of his gown. He had help showering from Nurse Camille, but he made sure she couldn't see his scars in the steam and to touch him as little as possible.

'I just want to go home, please Auntie.' As if reading her nephew's thoughts, Kelly sighed and backed off with a smile.

"Okay sweetie, let's get to the elevator. Kendall, I'm guessing you're coming with us right? The house is to die for, small but pretty cozy!" She said with a giggle, that making Kendall rub the back of his neck sheepishly.

His bottle green eyes met James' hazel-green ones. "You want me to go with you, give you company for a while? It's all up to you, Jay." He said softly with a smile.

'Jay?' Logan thought with a mix of confusion and alarm. They had nicknames for each other now?

James looked down at his lap, biting his lower lip. The same expression of mixed emotions he had when Kelly asked about the clothes crossed his face, eyebrows sharp lines over his eyes; a silence followed, Logan thinking James would reject the blonde tagging along, when one of his hands reached out and grabbed Kendall's, tugging lightly.

The act was innocent, one a child would do. In a way James was a child: traumatized, deeply scarred; he needed protection, someone he can slowly grow to trust in this moment of complete Hell he was going through.

Kelly smiled. "I have a feeling he wants you to come with us, Kendall." She teased, getting another blush and annoyed look from her nephew. Kendall chuckled though and squeezed James' hand back, eyes warm.

"Alright Jay, come on let's get you home." With that Kendall dropped the other's hand only to grasp firmly the handles of James' wheelchair, pausing to make sure the blanket across the brunette's lap was tucked in well before turning to Kelly.

"Lead the way, Miss Wainwright." He said with a smile; Kelly playfully slapped him at this, James hiding a smile behind his left hand, his charm bracelet shining in the fluorescent lighting above their heads.

**_-Page Break-_**

"So you celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah?" Kelly heard Kendall ask James from the backseat of her mini-van, she watching via rear view mirror.

After leaving the hospital Kelly and Kendall managed to store James' wheelchair all sound in the trunk, after getting the brunette all buckled and comfortable in the backseat of course, and hit the streets. Kendall insisted in seating in the back with James, his lap cradling James' in-a-cast leg with his upper body angled slightly so that his face met James'.

James had been a little surprised Kendall didn't mind being a little uncomfortable for his benefit, but had smiled at his blonde friend for being so generous.

James smiled at the other boy, typing something in Kendall's cell-phone before handing it back to him to read his answer.

**Yeah, I'm from a half Jewish, half Catholic family. My mom is Catholic and my dad Jewish. I was raised Jewish and I went to Hebrew school ****as a kid. I love Hanukkah but celebrate Christmas too; in the end they're both really special to me, I grew love them both. Religion is really important to me and my family, but I'm not the type to fight with someone about it, you know?**

James felt a little iffy about talking about his religion. He's seen how people use it to discriminate and judge others, like he was by some classmates when he came out as pan a few years back, instead of using it to spread love and peace.

His fears though disappeared when Kendall smiled, having finished reading the response. "That's really cool, Jay! I like it when people know what religion really means: it's all about love, not hate. Sure, a person's belief can be very different from someone else's but why fight and hate each other? Being different is what makes you special, you know? You know at first my mom had no idea what to do when I told her I was bisexual; some of her friends said I needed to 'get the Devil out of me' or something like that. I could tell she was torn up about it, but in the end she didn't care and didn't disown me or anything. She's amazing, I love her and my sister too." Kendall said, handing James his phone again when he saw the brunette wanted to reply.

**That happened with my mom too, when I came out as pansexual. But she accepted me for who I was in the end and we didn't lose that tight mother-son bond. My dad though, to this day, doesn't like that one of his sons is...a 'freak'. He doesn't say mean things to my face, but I can tell he's not happy.**

A slightly sad look crossed James' face at this, though Kendall reached over and took his hand, giving it a light squeeze.

Kelly saw the flinch; James wasn't use to harmless physical contact, but she also caught the look of relief in his eyes at the gesture of comfort.

"So one person doesn't like you for who you are, that doesn't mean you have to change or pretend to be somebody else, Jay. I think, and I'm sure this is true for Kelly too, that you're pretty amazing already. You have no need to change the perfection that you are; there's no one else in the world quite like you, you're original and that's perfection in itself. You're amazing, Jay. I've only known you for four days, but that's pretty crystal clear to me already." Kendall said, smile gentle and caring.

'He has to be lying right, I'm not fucking p-perfect...right?' James searched Kendall's expression for deception, a terrible joke behind his eyes.

There was none. All he could see was honestly, and a little budding admiration?

'Who wouldn't admire him? He's amazing; he's survived so much and yet still willing to live? That just proves how strong he really is, even if he can't see it himself.' Kendall thought, rubbing the boy's knuckles when he saw his eyes start to droop downwards.

"You're tired, Jay. Get some sleep, I'll wake you up when we get there okay?" Kendall said, unfolding the blanket and carefully working it over James.

Said brunette pulled the hood of his black sweater over his head, ducking his head under the blanket and closing his eyes. He didn't let go of Kendall's hand, though.

The dirty blonde smiled to himself before closing his eyes too, still sleepy from last night.

Kelly had no idea why she was crying but the smile on her face was everything but sad.

'I guess keeping him around will be good after all, Big Sis.'

_**-Page Break-**_

Logan watched as Kelly's mini-van pulled up the driveway of a small but nice-looking one-story house, it in a soft creme with dark blue window shutters.

He didn't have to see it with his own eyes to know Kendall was in the backseat with James.

But he did have to figure out two things, as he heard the engine cut off Kelly head to the trunk for her nephew's wheelchair.

He had to figure out two things: 1) he had to figure out how to reconnect with James, offer his support.

The second thing he had to figure out though, was if Kendall and James' friendship was going to stay a friendship, or turn into something more.

It was too early to tell right now, but he had to work this out before it was too late.


	11. Temporary Home

Hey! Yeah, up again; for some reason I couldn't rest, I don't know why so here's the new chapter of 'Love the Way You Lie'! Thank you again to my sister BB and my brother Kames all the way! I'm glad I got such excited reactions from both of you; you two seem to be connected mentally or something, since both got a suspicious vibe from Logan. I will say this, he will not enjoy Kendall and James' budding relationship since he's still in love with James but in the end James is the one who will choose. Who will he go with: Kendall, who has been there for him for so long? Or Logan, who was once his first love? Now while that question is important, it has nothing to do with this chapter. In this chapter, while James meets Kendall's mom and baby sister for the first time and gets acquainted with his new, temporary home, there is a question that ties to this chapter and the next one: James, will he spend the first night of freedom alright? Or will Shane haunt his brother even in his dreams? Well, I want to dedicate this chapter to BB and Kames all the way. BB, thank you so much for supporting this story; I know you're not as big of a fan of BTR as I am, but it really makes me smile to know you love me enough to critique and help me improve my work. I love you, sis. And to you too, brother dearest. I just love reading your reactions and how into the story you are, but also the encouragement you give me. I hope you know by now how much I appreciate you as a person and my friend. This is for you. :) Enjoy! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I just love writing fan fiction about them! They are my greatest inspiration!**

* * *

"Jamie...hey Jay, wake up sleepy-head."

James groaned, hazel-green eyes fluttering open as he pulled the thick, dark green blanket off his head. He groaned again at feeling how stiff his neck had gotten from sleeping against the car door, using one hand to rub Sandman's sand out of his eyes.

He blinked once, twice before his vision cleared; a softly smiling Kendall Knight greeted him, he unable to not give him a small smile back.

Even though James didn't like it when people touched him, especially around the waist, he didn't feel as uncomfortable around Kendall surprisingly. It must have been the fact that he got to him a little better from last night; he was now not a complete stranger to the brunette.

'That, or the only male I'll ever hate for touching me is Shay...' James added with a mental sigh. A wince left him at the thought of his twin brother, now rotting away and angry in police custody, but he managed to cover it up when he ran a hand through his tousled hair.

"Hmm, h-hello." He said, forcing himself to talk.

To his ears, his voice sounded broken. It was low and scratchy, nothing like it use to be. He knew talking while in voice therapy yet would further strain his paralyzed vocal cords, but he was sick and tired having to communicate through looks and gestures.

Kendall frowned though. "Jay, you shouldn't force yourself there. I don't want you to strain yourself by trying to talk." He said, though the brunette gave him an eye-roll.

"I haven't talked in a year, Ken. I think saying a few words won't kill my voice that much." He pointed out, rubbing his neck; he traced the barely there scar across his Adam's apple, and winced again.

"Still, it's not safe. You can try whispering or keep writing things down, but please don't strain yourself." Kendall repeated. James sighed, knowing the stubborn blonde wouldn't stop until he agreed to listen to him.

"Okay, okay I won't. Just so you don't worry, I'll whisper instead; now, where am I?" James noticing he wasn't all stretched out across the back seats of his aunt's mini-van but a long, L-shaped couch in a bright, almost neon orange color.

He looked around and saw another couch, this one smaller and a dark red, followed by a coffee table in front of a big screen television and DVD set. There was a large window to the right, closed with the heater on high and curtains in an pale olive green.

They weren't sitting in the back seats of Kelly's mini-van, but on the L-shaped couch in a small, tasteful living room.

Kendall smiled at the curiosity in the other's eyes, pulling off his beanie to comb back his messy dirty blonde hair. "This, my friend, is the living room of your new home. I tried to wake you when we finally got here but you were out like a light so Kelly carried you inside while I unloaded your wheelchair and crutches from the mini-van. From there she let you sleep here on the couch while she and my mom are making you something safe to eat; my sister fluffed the pillows under your leg and pulled this blanket over you so you wouldn't get cold. Kelly had me leave your crutches in your new room." He explained, slowly so not to overwhelm the brunette.

James bit his lower lip, a little uneasy now. He's never slept so deeply before, only when he took the sleeping pills to cushion the mental and physical stings of Shane raping him. He must have been more drained than he realized...

"I guess the painkillers Camille gave me this morning were more effective than I thought." He said, noticing he wasn't feeling a painful throb coming from his leg.

"That's good though; you needed sleep, Jay. Your body's been through so much, it will need a lot of rest to recover completely."

"I know, Ken. Now did I hear right just now, that your mom and sister are here?" James asked, noticing now that a nice, big Christmas tree and millions of lights and ornaments were hanging everywhere. There were also stockings hanging over the empty fireplace, and several giant snowmen and teddy bears with hats were by the front door.

Kendall blushed, of what James couldn't tell, and he rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish smile on. "Umm yeah, they are. When Kelly told me about you being released from the hospital today, they kind of overheard me on the phone and insisted on helping Kelly throw a little house-warming party for you, just them and me and you and Kelly. Look I'm sorry about this; it's hard to convince my mom out of something she's set her mind completely on. She's been wanting to meet you for a while now and help you in any way she can. She and Katie don't know about...you know, Shane but they know you got into a car accident and just got out of surgery. It was the only thing I told them, I swear; it was the only thing I deemed appropriate to tell them." Kendall said, expecting James to get angry for letting his sister and mom know about him.

Instead, he got an uncharacteristically shy expression crossing James' face. "A-and did they...like me?" He asked, face now red like Kendall's had been a few minutes ago.

"Wait, what?"

"I said, did they like m-me?" James said again, though in a louder whisper this time around.

"O-okay, I was here worrying about how you'd take to having more strangers around you, and the first thing you're worried about is if they don't approve of you?" Kendall asked, unable to stop the smirk pulling at his lips.

James shot him a light glare. "Well they're women, not men. My rapist was male, my brother; I don't feel too confident in myself right to be around other guys, I don't know how I'm so comfortable with you but it is how it is and I won't complain. I may feel a little edgy around Auntie, but I'm not exactly scared. Second, I may not be the same James I use to be...but I still care about what people think of me. That's one insecurity that has stayed with me all my life, no matter how hard I tried to get rid of it..." He said, tone suddenly filled acid.

Kendall frowned again and sighed, eyes apologetic. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so insensitive. I just don't know why you're worried about them not liking you, because they do."

"How can they already like someone they barely even know?" James asked, feeling frustration well up inside him.

Kendall hesitated for a few minutes before he reached out and took James' hand in his. James bit his lower lip at the contact, resisting the urge to lash at the blonde, before his eyes, golden-brown in a mixture of confusion and anger, met Kendall's bright bottle green ones.

"I'm just getting to know you, James, and I already see you like a best friend. Sometimes time, like age, is but a number; it's the bond that counts, and if it grows stronger or not is up to you." Kendall said, facial expression serious.

James wanted to slap him; he wanted to scream, shout and demand why the blonde was so fucking nice to him when life itself has been nothing but a sassy, disastrous son of a bitch to him his whole short life. He wanted to know why it took so long for fate to cut him some slack, give him some peace of mind. He wanted to know why the hell destiny decided now was the time he had a friend.

'Why the hell did I had to go through Hell and back for the last four years before I could get some damn closure?!' James growled in his head, anger leaving him shortly afterwards when he saw the tender look in the blonde's eyes.

In his eyes there was no frustration with the brunette and his mood swings; in his eyes there was no loss of patience or lack of understanding at the other's confusion.

James didn't know this yet, but Kendall has had experience with helping someone recover from abuse. His mom had acted the same way with him and Katie, back when their dad was still around beating and humiliating her. She never hit her children, nothing of the sort, but she did lash out verbally from time-to-time. Jennifer Knight always apologized for those episodes and her children never held it against her. After all, a battered woman or person in general has no fault for their sudden panicky reactions; it was sadly a side effect of being physically, mentally and even sexually abused for a long time.

Kendall knew about the complex, unstable minds of those who have just come out of a bad situation like the one James has left behind. He may not have had to go through it himself like James or his own mom did, but sometimes all someone had to do to feel the pain, the immense agony behind the mask being worn was to look into their eyes.

And James' eyes told him, told him that he really didn't know how to show love to others and how to let himself be loved; he didn't know how to be loved the right way, not with forced kisses and brutal slaps to the face. He didn't know how to be loved without being screamed at, without being manipulated into doing something he didn't want. He had no idea what love was suppose to be like.

He...he, James, didn't know what the word 'Love' meant anymore.

Kendall was snapped out of his train of thought when he saw light tears flooding James' eyes now, which had turned a dark green, almost red, in guilt. "K-Ken, I'm sorry. I just...I'm just not use to being cared for, okay? For the last four years, all I've had for 'love' were slaps, bites, and broken glass. I'm use to being abused, that it's like...I can't live without it. Ugh, I sound sick, like I'm a masochist."

"No, no you don't James. People who've been abused for a long time get use to it, I don't know how or why but they do; they get use to being hurt, they believe it when their abusers say it's their fault, they take all that crap but that doesn't mean you're sick in the head or a masochist. You just need a little help getting yourself back together; everyone needs that sometimes, help to get their heads cleared and lives back on track. The fact that you need help doesn't make you messed up, or completely broken. Besides, you're not alone in this; I'm here, no matter what comes around the corner." Kendall said, squeezing James' hand in his.

James looks down at their locked fingers, face looking shocked beyond all belief.

"Jay?"

"I don't get it; here I am, being a complete ass to you when all you've done is care about me. I find it hard to believe I'm not sick in the head, Ken." James admitted, letting out a deep sigh and closing his eyes; he opened them again when he felt Kendall brush a stray lock of caramel brown hair from his face.

"Well, then don't think about that. Let me worry about everything else, you just focus on getting better okay?"

"Are you really willing to stick it out with me? I mean, are you sure you want this? You sure you want to deal with such a broken, ugly person like m-me?"

"I'm going to tell you this now, Jay: yes, I'm sure I want to stick this out with you the whole way through, until the very end. Yes, I'm sure I want this, to be here for my friend. And yes, I want to be with you, but you're not ugly, James. You may be broken, I'm not going to lie and say you're fine, but you are not ugly. You're just a beautiful boy with a broken smile; and I'm not dealing with you, I'm trying my best to help you. I care about you, Jay, and if I have to tell you that you're beautiful every day until you finally see it and stop being so hard on yourself, then so be it. You're not a waste of my time, James Diamond." Kendall said, finishing his moving speech with a bright, sweet smile.

James couldn't see it, but he could feel his face turning a bright red. 'Well, I so didn't see that coming.'

"I'm starting to think you're too good to me, that I don't deserve a friend like you..."

"But if I want to stay with you, have your back will you still try to push me away again?" Kendall asked, James biting his lower lip again.

"In a way I've already tried and failed right, with my constant mood swings but...you're still here right?"

"Yeah, I am. And even if you kept trying to push me away, I'd still come back because I don't turn my back on my friends, James." Kendall said, massaging the brunette's knuckles.

James sighed, a heavy silence following afterwards before he spoke up again. "You're one stubborn jackass, Knight." Kendall could hear the joking tone in James' voice now back again, which caused him to smirk.

"And you're one blind prick, Diamond. Still, if I could then I would go back in time to make destiny have us meet earlier. That's the only thing I'd change about the past, nothing else." He replied, getting a slight chuckle from the brunette.

"Touché."

"So Sleeping Beauty is up finally?" A new voice made them both jump, they tilting their heads to see a girl in her Tweens, either twelve or thirteen, standing the doorway leading to the kitchen.

she was a bit taller than most kids her age and had soft creme-colored skin, with flowing brown hair and big, dark brown eyes. She was wearing a red sweater with simple blue jeans, a woven bracelet around one wrist and her long hair up in a ponytail.

She had to be Kendall's baby sister, Katie. She had the same mischievous shine in her eyes the blonde got when he smirked.

"Katie, warning next time?! I already know you're like the best ninja in your grade, but please I don't need a heart attack at seventeen!" Kendall complained, joking the whole time. Katie grinned and punched Kendall's shoulder before turning to James, eyes gentler.

Said brunette blushed. Those big, puppy eyes were so...cute.

'Damn, both Ken and his sister know how to get to people!' James thought, trying his best though to smile.

"H-Hi." Was all that came out of him, though.

'Oh smooth Diamond, real smooth!'

"Hey, name's Katie. I don't know how you put up with my big brother, dude do you have superpowers or something? What's your secret?"

"Katie, so not cool!" Kendall whined, though he and Katie grinned at each other seconds later. Clearly they were playing around.

"Oh relax, Big Bro! If you haven't scared him off yet, then he's a trooper! Listen, you two hungry? Mom and Kelly have dinner ready: good old chicken noodle soup, yum!"

Kendall turned to James, who was shaking his head. "Jay, you have to eat. You can't take the painkillers on an empty stomach."

"I ate this morning, Ken."

"That was breakfast, Jay. This is dinner we're talking about; you can't take your painkillers on an empty stomach, that's bad, plus you can't go to bed tonight without eating. Please eat, for me? I'll feed you myself if I have to, Jay." Kendall warned him, James' eyes going wide.

"You wouldn't dare coddle me like a baby, Ken."

"Who do you think coddled Katie when she had the flu and Mom was out at work?" Kendall asked, Katie pointing to him even though the answer was more than obvious.

James rolled his eyes, yet he caved all the same. "Fine, but can I least eat in my room? These couch pillows, are so not doing any favors for my hair." He said, Kendall grinning, victorious.

"Deal; Katie, mind bringing some soup to James' room for me? I'll get your chair, Jay." With that said the dirty blonde rose to his feet and left for the hallway. James sighed, unable to hide his fond smile though.

"Katie, your brother sure is stubborn."

"Yeah I know, but he's only like that with people he really cares about. He just wants to help you get better, buddy." Katie said, shooting the brunette a wink before heading back to the kitchen.

James was lost at the wink, though another unexplainable blush took over his face for some reason.

**_-Page Break-_**

"Do you like the soup, dear? It's not too salty right, or too hot?" Jennifer Knight asked for the fourth time, hovering over James like a protective mother hawk.

James blushed at the coddling, Kendall looking embarrassed in the background while Kelly and Katie were having a giggle fest by the door.

The brunette was all tucked in in his new queen-sized bed, under the nice, sweet-smelling (like vanilla) purple sheets and plush red pillows with horses on them. His in-a-cast leg was well elevated, bottle of painkillers of the bedside table, and pillows extra fluffed to support his lower back.

James had fallen in love with his new room. It was colorful, quiet and...new. There were no bad memories here, no whispers in his ear or creepy shadows against the walls. Everything about it, it was perfect for him.

And he didn't mind Kendall's mom babying him, she was only listening to her motherly instincts, but he never expected the tall, beautiful woman with gentle brown eyes and flaming red hair to treat him...as if he was another son.

James wasn't sure wether to freak out or worship her like a guardian angel.

"Mom, let him breathe please." Kendall said, sighing to himself. He said that for two reasons: the first reason was because his mom always got this way, and she didn't know how to get out of 'Mama Bear' mode. The second reason though, was that he didn't want to make James feel uncomfortable about being coddled by a person he just met.

"I wish I had a camera right now." Katie said.

"Katie! Mom!"

"It's o-okay, Ken. Thank you for the soup, Mrs. Knight. This is delicious." James said. Despite the fact having to drink said soup through a cup and straw to avoid choking, James wasn't lying about how great-tasting Mrs. Knight's cooking was. This was the first decent meal he's had in a while, and he wasn't just referring to his time in the hospital.

Said woman smiled and lightly caressed James' rosy right cheek, taking the cup from him when was finished. "I'm glad you liked it, dear. If you need anything, anything at all, just call Kendall on his cell-phone or our house phone."

"T-Thank you, you are very nice, Mrs. Knight."

"You can call me Jennifer or Mama Knight, sweetie. You and Kelly are part of the family now." Jennifer said softly, a kind smile on her lips.

'That look in her eyes...it reminds me so much of Mom.' James thought with bitter fondness, but he smiled for her nonetheless.

"Okay, thank you...Mama Knight."

"You're welcome, dear. We have to go now before it gets late but we'll come back tomorrow to see how you're doing okay? Sweet dreams, dear. Come on Katie, Kendall. Say goodnight." Jennifer said, giving James' hand a soft squeeze before leaving the room to start up her car.

Katie walked over and gave James a light fist-bump, smiling at him gently. "Get better, tiger. I can't pull pranks on you if you're stuck in bed." She said. James smiled.

"Thanks, Katie."

"See you tomorrow."

Kelly left the room after Katie, leaving Kendall and James alone.

"Ken, is something wrong?" James noticed the blonde's slightly worried expression.

"Are you going to be okay tonight? I mean I know Kelly's room is down the hall and she had the house phone set up here in your room, and that you have my number and all but...but I'm scared of leaving you." Kendall admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

'I-I don't want to tell him I'm scared too; he has his own life, I can't keep him away from that. Plus S-Shane isn't here, he can't hurt me anymore...' James thought, a chill going up his spine.

"I'll be fine, K-Ken. Really, I'll be fine." James said, swallowing the painkillers to avoid saying more.

Kendall looked torn still, before he sighed and pulled off his red beanie, handing it to the brunette. "Here, so you know I'm close."

James eyed the beanie before he reached out and took it, holding it close to his chest.

"T-Thanks..."

"You try and get some sleep, okay? I'll be back in the morning but if you need me...don't hesitate to call okay? No matter what, James; you need me, and I'll coming running even in this pouring rain. Goodnight, Jay..." Kendall said, taking a deep breath before heading for the door.

"Kendall..." James called at his back, said blonde turning back to him.

"Yeah, what is it, Jamie?"

'Just tell him you're scared, admitting it doesn't mean you're weak. Just do it, do it damn it!'

"G-Goodnight."

'Damn it, Diamond!'

Kendall smiled softly and nodded, closing the door behind him.

James sighed and clutched Kendall's beanie to his chest again, blood going cold.

'Relax James, relax. You're going to b-be okay, you're going to be okay. It's just raining outside, you'll get through this night no problem...'


	12. Beautiful Disaster

Yolo! Well I'll have some things to do tomorrow, busy again like I was today, but...TA-DA! A chapter, totally centered on Kendall! But it doesn't stop there; not only is this chapter focused on Kendall, but has some of his thoughts on James! BAM! We get to see what goes on in his head about our lovely pretty boy! Excited, hope so though I'll warning everyone now: James will have a rough night, which we will see in the next chapter, and Logan will finally make a face-to-face encounter with James about a chapter or two after the one after this Kendall-centered update! Aww, such a beautiful disaster, huh? Well, enjoy! Thanks to my brother Kames all the way, my sister BB and winterschild11 for reviewing! I totally appreciate it and Happy Holidays! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! If I did...my sister BB would lose her mind! XD**

* * *

"Big Brother, what's got you so quiet?" Katie couldn't help but ask as she flipped through the channels with a bored look on her face, she on the couch while Kendall was all curled up in the only love seat the family had.

The two were in the living room; it was only ten minutes after eight but their mom went to bed already, since she had to get up early for work. Normally Kendall would be in bed too, since he worked at the grocery store about six blocks away from Sherwood High, but the owner's been sick for weeks now and in the end closed up shop. The poor blonde was now out of a job, though since there were only a few days left until Christmas he didn't let the thought bother him too much. Last year he had to work during the holidays, so this lack of activity seemed more like a benefit than harm to him.

Besides, he had to make this year's Christmas Day special, very special.

After all, it would be his and James' first Christmas as friends. To some people that didn't seem like something to make such a fuss about, but to Kendall it was all he was focused on right now.

Said dirty blonde looked up from his sketchbook. He smiled as he closed it, putting his charcoal pencil and sharpener away. "Eh, just doing some doodling is all." He replied with a simple shrug, yet his pale cheeks turned a light pink.

Katie raised an eyebrow. If it was just a random doodle, why did he get flustered?

Kendall Knight was a guy of many talents. He wrote songs, knew how to play the guitar, drums, piano, he sang like an angel and was great at drawing. He was more into doing portraits than landscapes; he loved capturing people's emotions through the curve of their lips or the shade of their eyes, he found drawing other people more fun than sketching trees or an ocean view.

Since taking up drawing as a hobby four years ago, at the start of his freshman year, Kendall has filled up six large sketchbooks with rough outlines of eyes and mouths, eyebrows and noses. The one on his lap would mark his seventh book, and it was this particular book Kendall's been sketching a lot in recently.

'He swore that "spark" has been avoiding him for months now, and now he's got it back in only four days. Hmm...around the same time he started seeing James. I smell blackmail, score!' Katie thought with a smirk, she not buying her brother's excuse at all.

"Were you drawing James by any chance?" She wasn't going to beat around the bush; Katie Knight always went straight to the point.

"So what if I was?" Kendall asked. His tone wasn't rude, just curious as to why his sister was so interested in finding out about his latest subject.

"Relax, Big Bro. I was just curious; you haven't doodled in months, Mom and me were starting to think you gave up on it or something." Kendall chuckled at this, wearing a black tank top and cheetah print sweats for pajamas and juggling a bottle of water in his sketchbook-free hand.

"Nah, I just didn't have anything new and beautiful to work with until now. But now that I have my spark back I can't seem to stop drawing; I want to get every detail just right."

"Of beautiful new guy James Diamond? I have to say, Big Bro, you sure care a lot about him. I mean, making him a bracelet, giving him one of your favorite beanies and now it turns out he's the one who gave you your 'spark' back? I smell future boyfriend!"

At that last part Kendall choked on his water, eyeing Katie as if she suddenly grew two heads. "Say what, Katie?! Me and Jay are just friends, best friends! So he's helped me get my drawing spark back, he's just that amazing! As for the bracelet and my beanie...he needed the comfort so I did what I could to give him what he needed! Is that a crime now?" Kendall exclaimed, wiping his mouth.

Katie gave the dirty blonde a heated 'Are you serious?' look. "Big Brother, you seriously need to stop thinking you're a smooth teenage mutant ninja turtle or something! You totally have a HUGE crush on James, and you make it totally OBVIOUS! In fact, both of you flirt so much it makes me want to go 'Aww!' and you know all too well I'm not into sappy romance stuff! I never want to get all girly over something, so quit with the flirting and kiss him already!" She said, looking annoyed.

Kendall sighed and got to his feet, a fake confident smile on as he ruffled Katie's hair. "Oh Baby Sister, you and your wild imagination! Me and James are friends, amies, amigos! That's all we are, I think you're seeing things!" He said, toying with the dog tag hanging from his neck on a silver chain as he tucked his sketchbook under one arm.

"Well I'm hitting the hay, and you should too, Little Sis. We're getting up early to see James, I'll drive us there while Mom catches up to us later after work. Goodnight, love you Baby Sister!" Kendall said over his shoulder, ignoring the burning sensation biting at his cheeks.

_**-Page Break-**_

"I swear, Katie should really stop watching those cop shows." Kendall mumbled under his breath, collapsing onto his bed with a sigh.

He stared at the ceiling with his big, deep bottle green eyes before sitting up again and grabbing his sketchbook; he flipped and flipped until he was halfway through the whole book, smiling softly though when he found the sketch he was looking for.

It was a sketch, still in its rough stage, of James.

There wasn't much to it yet, since he just started working on it, but he did manage to give full, clear detail to the brunette's piercing hazel-green eyes.

The final piece was to have James' beautiful face emerge from the darkness around him. His face would have a few bruises and one lone tear running down his cheek, but Kendall was thinking of adding the other's smile. James' smile, to Kendall, would be the perfect touch to the sketch; apart from his eyes, Kendall was planning to give full attention to the curve of the petal-like lips, the fullness of the lower one and how his white, perfect teeth would peek out, tongue in between.

Kendall was planning to have this drawing done before Christmas; he wanted to give it to him as a present, his first ever present from him.

'He seems to truly believe he isn't beautiful, even when I tell him that he is. He can't seem to stop being so damn hard on himself for once and see that he's amazing. Well maybe if I catch his beauty on paper, he'll finally see it. A mirror can play with you, but my eyes don't lie. I'm going to get you to see just how amazing and beautiful you are, Jay. Shane broke you so deeply, you don't see that the only ugly, bad person I see is him, not you...'

Kendall looked out his window, train of thought reeling still as he chewed on his lower lip. "I wonder...if I can really help James heal. Even though we're getting to know each other more and more every day, I'm still a stranger to him. Unlike Logan, I don't have much of a history with James. There's still so much I don't know, and...if I'm not careful James could end up getting worse."

'Logan hasn't shown up to see James, does that mean he's still being stubborn about the past? No, no I'm getting ahead of myself here; he probably doesn't know James is out of the hospital now. Ugh, I have a bad feeling about this...I didn't want to leave him but James is still iffy around other people. I don't want to stress him out more by not giving him space to breathe but if he has nightmares about S-Shane again...I won't be able to forgive myself! Oh God, what the fuck did I do?! I left him alone, Kelly didn't see how he got last night and that was just a memory! Asleep he...h-he can...!'

Suddenly Kendall's cell-phone started vibrating on his bedside table, jolting him out of his train of thought.

"Hello? K-Kelly? Kelly, what is it? What happened to James?!"

Kendall heard her sobbing on the other end, but one name struck a nerve and made him see red.

Shane.

Kendall wasted no more time; he pulled on his trusty Vans and grabbed a jacket, undoing the window hatch. He climbed out but didn't bother to close it, leaving his phone behind as he started running like a wild maniac through the pouring rain.

'Oh no, James!'


	13. The Last Night Pt 1

Hi! How is everyone? I hope everyone is doing great, I'm excited because tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Even though the actual party for my family isn't until midnight tomorrow, I'm still looking forward to tomorrow! Nothing but family, presents and hot chocolate; yes, I'm excited. I will, however, have a holiday chapter to this story. It is the chapter after this one, and...it will be the chapter Logan meets James face-to-face for the first time in four years. Yeah, a lot of surprises coming up but before we get to all that, here is the chapter revealing to all that haunts James at night. I will warn everyone though: if anyone is sensitive and/or has a weak constitution (stomach) for any type of violence and/or gore, please skip the words in italics. The words in italics are flashbacks, or in this case dream-memories, of the...sexual abuse James suffered at Shane's hands. I didn't go into detail because...because my own memories are too painful. And the memories are short, so yes please bear with me. Thank you to everyone has helped build this story. It means a lot to me, thank you all very much. Happy Holidays. :) **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I just love them like the four older brothers I never had!**

* * *

_"S-Shay, what are you d-doing...?" James whispered, hazel-green eyes wider than normal. He was trembling, heart pounding hard against his ribs._

_Something inside him screamed to run, to get away but his legs were stiff and heavy as lead._

_"Shut up." James yelped when a hard, swift slap met his face, he losing his footing and falling on top of his bed._

_Shane soon had his younger brother pinned to the bed, bounding his wrists to each upper bedpost with some old rope he found in the family garage._

_"Ah, w-what you doing, Shay?! Ah, stop you're hurting m-me!" James screamed as the ropes dug into his wrists, rubbing the skin raw as he tried to break free of his restraints._

Kelly had been woken up by a scream.

Her blood went cold when she recognized the lack of pitch to it, she scrambling from her bed with no slippers on and her hair in a big, bushy mess.

"James!"

_Shane got to work on James' ankles next. James' struggling grew frantic now as he felt he couldn't kick his way out. Tears began streaming down his cheeks, caramel brown hair a tangled mess against the pillows._

_"S-Shay, please stop! What are you doing to m-me?!"_

_"I said to shut up!"_

_"Ugh!" James let out a groan as he was slapped hard again, his left cheek burning and an angry red. The force of the slap made his head snap to the side, he choking on a sharp breath when he felt Shane pry his legs further apart and finger the button to his light blue skinny jeans._

_James felt his heart skip a beat, blood going cold; what Shane was doing was..._

"STOP!"

"JAMES!" Kelly practically broke James' bedroom door down, tears down her face and a horrified gasp leaving her as she saw the poor boy on the floor, body weight crushing his broken leg while he clawed at his sides and sobbed into the blue carpeting.

"STOP, SHANE PLEASE!"

"J-James, shhh it's okay! Sweetie it's okay, you're just having a b-bad dream! Sweetie, wake up!" Kelly said, on her knees and wrapping her arms around her screaming nephew.

Big mistake, though.

James reacted badly to her touch; he started screaming again and clawed at her instead of his own body. His dull nails scratched at her face and neck, both hands soon going around her neck and squeezing.

"Ah, J-Jamie! Sweetie s-stop, you're only d-d-dreaming!"

"NO! SHANE STOP, P-PLEASE!"

_"NO! SHANE STOP, P-PLEASE!" Shane soon couldn't take the screaming anymore and pulled a knife he got the kitchen. James' eyes were the size of saucers at this point, a whimper leaving him as he caught the gleam of the stainless steel thanks to his desk lamp._

_The younger brother whimpered louder when the blade rubbed against his neck, his favorite lucky white V-neck now torn down the middle while his jeans were pooled around his knees._

_"What will it take you to shut up, huh Jamie?"_

_"W-why are you doing this, Shay? Why...I'm your baby b-brother!"_

_"And thanks to you, I got raped at that stupid party! Y-you bastard, I got my virginity ripped away because of YOU!"_

_"M-me? Wait why didn't you say anything right after it happened, I could have helped y-you!" James retorted, trying to fight back but the restraints were cutting into his skin;blood dropped down the bedposts, staining the white carpet underneath._

_Shane gave him a cruel smirk, the sight making James' skin crawl. It was nothing like the sweet, loving smile his big brother always gave him._

_"Please, you're such an idiot, James. Those bastards wanted you, not me; I never get any attention from the good-looking guys at school, only you. We have the same damn face but they only notice you. And now...all I wanted was to be looked at, for someone to like me over you. Instead...I get r-raped at the first party I've ever been invited to. I get raped and for what? Because they wanted to fuck you but saw me first and screwed me instead. They treated me like trash; I screamed for them to stop but they didn't and no one heard me. T-three guys, I was gang raped because of you!_

_James let another whimper as his boxers were bunched up down to his knees, along his jeans. Keeping the knife to his twin's neck with one hand, Shane undid his pants with the other._

_"And now...you're going to find out what it's like. What it's like to have that something you can never get back ripped away from you by force and have no one save you..."_

_" N-no, please Shay no..."_

"J-James, please stop!"

"Kelly!" Said woman turned, struggling, to see Kendall in the doorway. He was soaked to the bone and looked tired beyond belief but his eyes were alerted, worried.

"K-Kendall, please help!" Kelly managed out in a choke, finally wrenching James' hands from her neck.

The dirty blonde pushed Kelly aside and wrapped his arms around the trembling older boy, rocking him back and forth on his knees.

"Jay, it's okay! Shhh, it's alright wake up. I'm here, no one is going to hurt you!"

"SHANE!"

_James never felt so nasty in his life._

_How Shane slid in and out him, how he ignored his screams and pleas to stop. It was nasty, the bites and scratches to his neck and chest, how the knife every once and a while would cut his skin._

_He felt so gross, so damaged and nasty._

_His brother, twin brother, was raping him. In his own bed, against his will, he was taking his virginity._

_James wished the immense pain and shame he was feeling would knock him out, but every fast, hard thrust made him stay wide awake._

_'Oh God...this c-can't be happening...! P-please, make him stop...PLEASE!'_

"N-no, don't touch me!" Even though James' eyes were open, they were fogged over. His face twisted up in a mixture of anger and fear, latching his hands to Kendall's neck now.

"Kendall!"

Said blonde ignored Kelly's shout and gently but firmly clasped his hands over James', fighting the urge to cough.

"J-Jay..."

"Why don't you just d-die? Leave me alone, Shay! No more, I can't t-take it please!" James pleaded, applying pressure; Kelly made to help Kendall but he gave her a look and shook his head.

He had to do this himself; somehow, he had to and will reach James.

So he moved one hand to cup James' face despite the other struggling to get away, and forced their faces to be inches apart.

"J-James! James, it's me!"

"Stop, S-Shane!"

"James, it's not Shane! I'm Kendall!"

"SHANE!"

"JAMES, IT'S ME!"

The brunette blinked once, twice...before his eyes lost their foggy look. He took in his surroundings, soon hissing at the pain he feeling from his broken leg, before he met Shane...no, Kendall's face.

'K-Ken?' He thought, gaze soon falling to his hands wrapped around the blonde's neck. He could feeling Kendall choking for breath, pulse jumping under his palm.

Kendall didn't look afraid of him though, wasn't looking at him as if the brunette was meant to be in an insane asylum.

He looked scared for James, worried sick about him.

'W-what's wrong with me?' Fresh tears streamed the brunette's cheeks, he completely losing it as he broke down in Kendall's arms, dropping his hands from the other's neck.

"No, no, no, no...K-Ken, I'm sorry." James whimpered, Kendall moving so that James' weight was off his leg, his back to the blonde's chest while he tightened his hold around him and started to rock back and forth again.

"Shhh, i-it's okay Jay. Shhh, it's not your fault. All that matters is that you're awake now, don't cry though Jamie. It's okay, he's not going to hurt you ever again; I promise, I promise...you're going to be alright, you have to believe in me. He won't touch you again, I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Now calm down shhh, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay over every night if you want, but I won't let leave you alone ever again I promise. This will be the last night you spend alone, Jamie. I'll be right here, I promise..." Kendall whispered to him, pressing a light kiss to the other's sweaty forehead before burying his face into James' wild hair.

James didn't care that Kendall was dripping wet; he buried his face in his friend, no best friend's chest and gripped tight at his shoulders, trembling violently but from the cold.

**_-Page Break-_**

"Yes, yes Jen. James is alright now, Kendall was able to calm him down but, b-but I was so scared. I didn't know what to do, and what I tried to do only made him worse. Umm yes, yes thank you. I'm sorry this happened but...it's okay with you that Kendall stays over tonight? And every other night, are you sure? I...I see, thank you so much. Yes, I'll see you and Katie tomorrow; t-thank you again, and goodnight. Bye." Kelly hung up the phone and sighed, heading back to the living room where she left the boys.

"Kendall sweetie, your mom said it was okay for you t-" Kelly began saying when she saw the two of them curled up on the long, L-shaped couch.

Her heart melted a little.

James was curled up into a ball, knees tucked tight to his chest. One of his hands were laced with Kendall's under his head, the blonde's arm serving as a pillow. The brunette's other hand was around the nearest pillow. Kendall had one arm wrapped tightly, protectively around James' waist, chin on the other's strong, right shoulder. Both had the thick green blanket from earlier over them, faded tear tracks glistening against her nephew's rich dark skin.

They were all curled against each other, Kendall's clothes now dry. James looked a little more at ease now than did a few minutes ago; every time he flinched, Kendall subconsciously held him tighter against him.

Kelly sighed and leaned against the nearest wall, biting her lower lip.

'James...as soon as New Year's Eve blows over, you're going to therapy. There is no way you'll get through this without professional help.'


	14. Last Christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE! Haha, I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas; may all your wishes and dreams come true, hope everyone is excited to reel in the new year! Yay, we made to 2014! Since I won't be updating tomorrow obviously, I'm doing that today. The actual Christmas party at my house doesn't start until midnight tonight for my family, so yeah let's get this chapter going! Pure Kames fluff in this, they along with Kelly, Mama Knight and Katie celebrating Christmas, all to a song that inspired this chapter! Can anyone guess the Christmas song this chapter was inspired by? Heehee, thanks for all the support, everyone! And thank you for sticking with this story from the very beginning! Hope this practically Kames-centered chapter keeps everyone happy until the 26th! Enjoy! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! They are amazing though and I hope they know I wish them a very Happy Holidays! I love you guys! :D**

* * *

Since the night James nearly lost his mind, Kendall has been sleeping over. He didn't want to leave the brunette alone at all; as long as he could help, he would be at James' side 24/7.

And since his mom and Kelly were okay with it and since they were off from school, there was little to worry about.

Of course, the final sleeping arrangement was hard to come by. At first, Kendall just slept on the small couch in James' room, close to the window and the bed in case the pretty boy had another Shane-related nightmare. That idea didn't work out so well; James would just claw at his pillows and sheets, begging his twin to stop. It would take the dirty blonde thirty minutes to wake the other up, and having to trek up and down throughout the night became annoying.

So, James suggested Kendall take the other side if his rather big bed.

Kendall, being honest, admitted the idea at first got him nervous. Shane had raped James in his own bed the first time he started the abuse; Kendall was afraid that if James felt someone else in his bed, under the covers that it would scare him and end with the two struggling against each other. His solution had been to sleep on the other end, on top of the covers. James had shot that down though, reminding his best friend that nights got chilly in the house, and that sleeping with long-sleeves, pants and fuzzy socks would not be enough to handle the cold that leaked in courtesy of outside.

After several nights of going to bed freezing, and James' kicked puppy eyes, Kendall slept on the other end if the brunette's bed, under the covers.

How they ended spooning later on was...unexplainable.

Kendall remembered it happened on the twenty-first, two days in between until Christmas Eve. James had been shivering, the blankets wrapped tight around him but he still felt cold. Kendall felt all the shifting and turned to face the other's back, contemplating very hard his next move before he wrapped an arm around James' non-existent waist. The other he laced fingers with James' at his chest, pressing his face into the other's neck.

At first James at had been shocked at the contact, face burning he had no idea why, but didn't reject the warmth in the extra body heat. He merely gave a mental shrug and closed his eyes, sleep taking him in minutes. Of course through the course of the night they turned, but it only ended with James's head to the shorter boy's chest with said boy's arms around him.

They woke up the following morning, eyes wide and both nearly leaping off the bed entirely just to break apart. After a while though, the two got use to the sleeping arrangement and slept spooning the nights after. They were already comfortable around each other, surprisingly, that it didn't bother them so much to wake up all snuggled to each other.

In fact, both Kendall and James found it...nice to wake up seeing each other's face.

When Kelly found them that way one morning, she had a feeling their relationship was losing the bro part and going towards the mance part more.

As in, no bromance but romance.

But of course, the two boys were as thick as tree-stumps. They didn't notice a thing.

**_-Page Break-_**

James woke up on Christmas Eve to the sound of music, 'Jingle Bells' to be more accurate, blaring from his alarm clock. It served as a radio too, and since today was Christmas Eve it was the 24/7 Christmas radio.

'My first Christmas...without Shane.' The brunette thought. He didn't know wether to feel relieved or guilty, so he settled with a small smile.

He shifted around a bit, sighing in content at his left leg. A few days ago, Doctor Griffin removed the bulky cast and went for a smaller, more flexible one. He had been surprised James' healing was doing so well, considering how much damage the accident had left behind, but he didn't further question the miracle.

James still had to use the crutches and wheelchair to get around, but in two more weeks he should be all healed.

James nearly cried when he heard the news; he just wanted to welcome the new year as a new, fully healed him. If he ever wanted to shake off Shane's shadow for good, then he had to think positive and look forward to an abuse-free future.

An abuse-free with his Auntie Kelly, his second Mom Jen and sort of sister Katie, and Kendall.

Kendall, his best friend in the whole world. No, not just that; he was one of the most important people in James' life now, he couldn't possibly imagine his life without the other boy now.

They were just that close now.

James swallowed a yawn as his eyes met Kendall's torso, said blonde waking up shortly after him. He smiled, bright bottle green eyes shining thanks to the sun's rays on them from the window slightly open.

"Good morning." James whispered, both sitting up; Kendall's arms though didn't leave James' waist. The brunette found a strange comfort in that notice.

Kendall chuckled, reaching out to smooth James' hair. He liked seeing the other boy like this: hair wild and sticking up as if by static, hazel-green eyes sleepy but content, cheeks rosy. Most of the bruises and scars have healed, all now a faded yellow or getting there. James was still insecure about his looks and body image, all bull to Kendall because to him the brunette was fucking perfect inside and out, and he still had a nightmare or two but overall...overall James has been doing much better since Kendall started staying over.

He was smiling more; he still had to eat liquid or mashed foods, like soup and apple sauce and well blended smoothies, but he tried eating three times a day; he laughed more and color began coming back to his thin cheeks. He started writing poetry again, Mama Knight so happy at that that she bought him three new journals for a late Hanukkah gift; he began laughing more at Katie's jokes, and stopped wearing thick sweaters and shirts to come up the scars and bruises; he began Kelly 'Mama', seeing her as yet another mom, which had made her tear up the first time he said it. He was still nervous about all the therapy he was going to have to start once the new year was in, and about school too but Kendall had reassured him that whatever was going to come around, they'd face it together.

James wasn't the same as he had been with Shane. He didn't seem so scared of others, went back to taking his sweet time on his appearance, and all the soft whispering and warm, soft foods have actually helped his voice. He still needed voice therapy, but at least he didn't sound as hoarse and scratchy.

He was...different now. He seemed happier.

"Good morning, and Merry Christmas." Kendall said, getting a gentle eye-roll from James. The brunette smiled back though.

"Yeah...my first Christmas away from Shane."

"That's right, and I promise to make this the best Christmas ever, Jay. In fact, I have a surprise for you this morning." Kendall said, smile broadening. James looked surprised though.

"A-already? How when you just woke up, Ken?"

"Simple, I'm awesome like that." Kendall said.

"I thought you like 'going with the flow' though."

"That too, but I look at it this way: I'm awesome, and you are just amazing." Kendall said, smile softening at this.

'Why do I get so shy when he compliments me?' James thought, feeling a blush burn his cheeks.

'Man, I don't make things so subtle do I?' Kendall thought, feeling his face going red too.

Both ignored their thoughts and smiled at each other though, like they did every time their thoughts didn't fall under the bromance label.

"Umm, thanks I guess?" James asked, sticking out his tongue. Kendall pouted as he got up and stretched, holding out both hands to help the brunette up.

"You know you're amazing, you are just modest is all." Kendall responded.

"Whatever you say, Kendahalia."

"Right, whatever I say, Jamez. Now come on, you-"

"Whoa!"

"Uh oh!"

James had lost his footing when Kendall him helped up, tripping over his unbroken foot; the two let out yells as they basically toppled to the floor, Kendall on his back to the blue carpet while James landed on top of him, hands meeting his chest.

"Ugh, ow..."

"Yolo, yeah that hurt. W-wait James, are you okay?! You didn't land on your bad leg, right?!" Kendall asked, facial expression concerned now. The brunette shook his head to clear the fog, leaning on his elbows on Kendall's broad shoulders, giving off a sheepish smile.

"N-nah, just got a little foggy in the head from the fall, ha! Sorry Ken, I can be klutzy." James said, crossing his arms over Kendall's chest and laying his head down.

Kendall breathed a sigh of relief before he returned James' smile with a smirk of his own,putting one hand behind his head while he ruffled the brunette's messy hair with his free hand.

"Ha, well good to know. And being klutzy is cute, Jamie; I just hope you don't run into a wall or trip when you see my surprise."

"Oh God, I hope not! And do...we have to get up? You're actually pretty comfortable as a pillow." James said, soft hazel-green staring into Kendall's deep green ones.

Kendall felt his cheeks starting to turn pink again, though he he raised himself on his elbows so his face was inches from James'. James felt his stomach tighten at the closeness.

"I make a better pillow than blanket when you get cold at night, Jay?" Kendall asked, voice barely a whisper. James stared at him a five, long minutes before he smiled again.

"You do both good; you're a great pillow to lay on and a great blanket to snuggle into when it's cold, Ken." He answered, moving one arm so that his chin met his palm. Kendall reached out and ran his right thumb across James' left cheek, that warm fuzzy feeling that always came when he was with James growing ten-fold.

"Good to know, Jamie..."

"Yeah..."

"Hmm, am I interrupting something?" Both boys looked up to see Katie in the doorway, grin rather leer in nature as she singed-sung the question. She was still in her pajamas, meaning her and Mama Knight got up and drove over here as soon as the sun came up.

Both boys nearly leaped to their feet, James using Kendall as a crutch, faces bright red.

"N-no, we just tripped and fell!" James began.

"And then we started talking, nothing up sweet little sister who I love very m-much!" Kendall finished for his bestie, both smiling unconvincingly. Katie rolled her eyes, grin still on.

"Yeah, whatever. You guys coming for breakfast or what? Kelly got that all covered early so we can open presents, come on slowpokes! Jay, Big Brother needs to go change for your present so that means you're coming with me!"

James barely had time to protest before Katie was dragging him, carefully because of his leg, out of his room.

"K-Katie, be careful! I'm so not talking to you for weeks if you break James!" Kendall said, only joking.

"No promises, Big Bro!" Katie shouted down the hallway, Kendall shaking his head amused before he grabbed his duffel bag from under James' small couch, digging through its contents.

'Now let's see, where did I put that...ta-da! Gotcha!'

**_-Page Break-_**

James was bombarded with cheers when Katie and him walked into the living room, his face going red.

Mamas Kelly and Knight were also in their pajamas, breaking away from their conversations to hug the brunette tightly.

"Feliz Navidad, sweetheart!" Mama Knight exclaimed, kissing James' forehead before he was in Kelly's warm, loving embrace.

"Merry Christmas, my little Jamie! Look, Santa came! I told you he would!" She said, gesturing grandly to the tree. It was flowing with presents, the sight making James blush.

Despite coming from a rich family, the brunette wasn't very materialistic. He was blushing because of that, and because Kelly always playfully teased him about him being seventeen and still believing in Santa Clause.

"T-thank you." He said with watery eyes and a shy, sweet smile. Katie picked up a present wrapped in blue and white wrapping paper and handed it to James, giving him a wink.

"We already opened our presents and Big Bro still isn't ready yet, so go on and open yours, Jay." She said, nudging him softly.

"O-okay..."

**_-Page Break-_**

It took James a while to unwrap all his presents, eight in all, but he loved them nonetheless: a few new t-shirts, Spider-Man and Star Fox related, and skinny jeans from Mama Knight, a year's supply of Cuda Man products (the stuff he use to wear all the time) from Mama Kelly, and the whole Spider-Man trilogy on DVD plus the latest Maroon 5 CD from Katie. They were sweet, thoughtful gifts and all were something that James loved. Clearly Kendall shared a little info with his mom and sister on what to ask Santa to get him; Kelly knew how much her nephew loved Cuda, so getting a year's supply of products had been the plan from the get-go.

Speaking of Kendall, though...

"Ken, where are you?" James called, oblivious to the grins Katie, Jen and Kelly shared behind his back.

A shadow could be seen in the hallway, before he heard the dirty blonde's voice. "Okay, I'm ready! Jay, close your eyes and no peeking!" James raised an eyebrow at this, ignoring the snickering in the background.

"Okay?" The brunette did as he told, seated comfortably on the small, dark red couch.

He heard the women giggling again and some feet shuffling, before two things were put in his hands: in his left, something slender and feeling of glass, in his right a picture frame.

"Ken?"

"Okay, you can open your eyes now, Jamie." James again did as he was told and opened his eyes; it took all he had though not to burst out in a gasp and tears, heart beating fast on his chest.

Kendall was on his knees, hands crossed over James' lap...in a Spider-Man costume. The tight spandex hugged his body perfectly, the red and blue almost glowing in the fluorescent lighting. His bright bottle green eyes were hidden under the large, white mask holes but James could feel them beaming at him still; he was dressed up as James' favorite superhero, his and James'. Kendall rested his head on James' lap, the spandex crinkling around his mouth as he smiled.

"Merry Christmas, James."

In James' left hand was a small vase. It looked like it was made of stained glass, shining all the colors of the rainbow with James' initials at the base. The vase held a forest of sweet-smelling poppies and sunflowers; they were and Kendall's favorite flowers, together. There was a pretty purple bow tied to the middle of the vase, a smiley face there too.

'Oh my G-God...'

In James' right hand was a framed, done by hand drawing...of him. It was so clear and well drawn it was like a photo. A majority of it was black and gray and white, James liked photography and he preferred black-and-white photos to colored ones sometimes, but what really made him smile was the fact that the only thing in the picture that had color were his eyes: they were a rich hazel-green, with drops of gold and red here and there, which brought out his smile a lot more.

The drawing had him emerging from the dark little-by-little, smiling in spite of the tears in his eyes and a faded scar on his neck.

'T-this...this is...'

"So beautiful..." He managed to choke out, meeting Kendall's masked eyes.

"For Christmas, I got my best friend in the whole wide world three things: a hero to protect him and always catch him when he falls, twelve poppies and sunflowers to bright up his days when he's sad and only sees gray clouds, and a portrait of what of I see and think of him: as a beautiful, very strong and amazing person that I'm so lucky to have met." Kendall said reaching out to stroke James' right cheek.

Katie, Mama Knight and Kelly giggled amongst themselves; James let his tears flow his cheeks, but a surprised, awed smile touched his lips.

"Y-you did all this...for me?" James asked, Kendall pulling off his mask; he was smiling back but his eyes, his eyes had a lot of affection, admiration...and something else James couldn't name.

"Just taking a shot in the dark here but...but I just wanted you to know just how much you mean to me, James. No words left unspoken, don't want waste another moment without telling you that no matter what happens, no matter what, that I'll always be here with you and for you. I want you to know that...that I'm willing to spend forever telling you how beautiful you are; I'm willing to do anything for you, if it means to make you happy; you've become someone very important to me, and I'm willing to do anything and everything to be with you. And I promise that what's coming up...we'll face it all together, you and me together forever. I just hope that you stay...stay with me, forever and ever."

'Oh God, h-he's in love with my nephew!' Kelly thought, eyes wide.

'Ha, I knew it! They are so not just best friends!' Katie thought with a smirk, wishing now more than ever that she had a camera on hand to record this.

'I knew it. Kendall maybe be a little oblivious but it's obvious he loves James, and James loves him back. Aww, my baby boy has finally found love...!' Mama Knight thought, blushing.

James busted out laughing, putting the gifts aside to hug Kendall tightly. The blonde laughed with him and hugged back, both blushing.

"T-thank you, Kendall..." James whispered when they broke apart, both smiling like fools.

"Merry Christmas, James."

"Umm guys, mistletoe!" Katie butted in, pointing over their heads. The two looked up and their eyes widened; damn, it wasn't a prank this time!

"Katie, p-please don't make this awkward! James is still not comfortable with too much physical-" Kendall began saying when James lightly pecked him on the cheek.

Well it was still a kiss considering the pressure behind it, but it was soft and gentle Kendall could have sworn all of it happened in his head.

But the darker blush on James' cheeks and Mama Knight and Kelly giggling proved it happened; the kiss had been real.

"T-that was for being a great friend, my best friend..." James said, rubbing the back of his neck. Kendall grinned despite his face now resembling a tomato, leaning forward on his elbows.

"You know what they say: 'A kiss from an angel brings good luck'." He said, causing James to slap him playfully on the shoulder.

"Oh shut it." He said, Katie being the only one hearing the front door bell; with confused eyes she left the living room, James and Kendall too lost in each other to notice.

"So, best Christmas ever?" Kendall asked. James smiled.

"Yeah, best Christmas ever." He answered.

"Umm guys, someone's here to see James." Katie said, reentering the room.

"Who, sweetie?" Mama Knight asked when both Kendall and James turned and gasped; the brunette was so taken back he nearly fainted in his seat.

A petite boy with vanilla pale skin and raven hair stood in the doorway of the living room, dressed in dark blue skinnies, a Batman hoodie and white tennis shoes. He had on a black cap and gloves, hands in his pockets.

James recognized those deep mocha brown eyes; he'd recognize them even if he was dead.

"L-Logan..."


	15. Every Rose has Its Thorn

Yolo! Sorry for updating so late; Fanfiction was having something weird happening to it, it wouldn't let me favorite stories or write! But it's working again so here we go! Warning to Kames fans: this is mostly Jagan, since it focuses on Logan and James. And in addition to it being mostly Jagan, this chapter has James feeling very confused about Logan...and Kendall. You all will see what I mean. Now please enjoy! Thank you for all the support! I hope everyone had a Merry a Happy Holidays and are ready for 2014! Thank you all and enjoy! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, sadly, but I do wish them a happy 2014! :)**

* * *

James tried to relax in his seat.

James tried to relax in his seat. He found this normally easy task difficult to do, though. He was currently sitting in front of his ex-best friend/boyfriend at the kitchen counter of his Auntie's ('Mine's too', James reminded himself wistfully) house, sipping hot chocolate while Logan drank coffee.

The awkward tension was there, even when James had welcomed the raven inside and offered him a nice warm beverage, away from Kendall, Mama Knight and Kelly, and Katie.

Said people could feel the tension too but said nothing, merely watched in silence as James got into his wheelchair and led Logan into the kitchen.

But now that they were alone, James had no idea what to say or how to think up what to say. He eyed Logan warily, hoping the other boy would start talking soon; the silence was driving him crazy.

Thankfully, he did. "I-I'm so glad you're doing better, James. I was getting worried you'd never leave that hospital room." Logan said, breathing in the strong, bitter scent of his pitch black coffee. James mustered up a smile; it was very weak, like he was trying to push away a nervous breakdown coming up, but it was still a smile.

'He looks like he's in pain right now...' Logan thought with a mental flinch. He hated the fact that he was causing so much discomfort to the one he use to, and still did, love.

"I thought you'd never come see me again." James admitted, tearing away (finally) his soft hazel-green eyes from his mug. Logan looked confused suddenly.

"Again?"

"Yeah, I know you came to see me once, it was the same day Shane...got arrested. You came to see me; Kendall called you and told you what happened."

"How did you find out about that?" Logan asked. James' expression softened.

"Ken told me; he said he hates secrets so he told me the night before I got discharged from the hospital." James explained, playing with the zipper of the Spider-Man hoodie Mama Knight (also) got him. Logan suddenly felt a rush of annoyance.

'Kendall may hate secrets between friends, yet he failed to mention just how close he and James really are.'

Logan was no fool. He had walked in after Katie, just when James had pulled back from the kiss he gave Kendall; he had seen the blushes, heard the playful banter between them and everything. Clearly, the two were closer, closer than they were last time Logan saw them together.

Kendall and James' relationship was a very intimate friendship, and that alone made Logan worry.

"Oh, I see." He replied back, deep mocha brown eyes thoughtful.

"But my question is this: I have to ask, why now? I mean, I've been here for a while now and until now you haven't stopped by for a visit. And even while I was in the hospital, you never came back after Shane got taken away. Logan...Ken did the right thing calling you, letting you know about me. I didn't see it that way at first, heck I got mad at him for it, but after I cooled down I thanked him for it. I wanted you there, even if it was subconsciously." Logan's eyes widened at this.

"R-really?" James gave off a sharp nod.

"Yes. Logan, you...you mean a lot to me. Even after four years of not talking to each other, I still cared about you then, and now. You were my boyfriend, my best friend and losing you really cut me up inside."

"And left you at the mercy of Shane raping you whenever he felt like it, too." Logan added, James flinching at this.

"Y-you know about that?"

"I was there when Kelly said she wanted a rape kit done on you." Logan whispered.

"Oh, right. Sorry, my memory is a little screwed up still. Well like I was saying, yeah I was happy Kendy reached you. I wanted you there deep down, even when you...wanted nothing to do with me anymore." James said, wiping at his mouth. Logan frowned and reached across the table, taking James' tanner and slightly larger hand in his.

James felt a silent gasp leave him, shivering for some way.

'His touch is the same: warm and firm. I guess my body, like my mind, hasn't forgotten about him. Clearly he still means a lot to me if I can still remember just how he feels to me.' The brunette thought, feeling a slight pang go off on his chest.

Remembering Kendall was still in the living room made the pang worse, though James had no idea why.

"James...I'm so sorry. I-I shouldn't have left you like that, without hearing the whole side of your story! If I had known what Shane...oh God, I would have done something! I would have had him put away in jail sooner!" The raven exclaimed, feeling tears fill his eyes.

James saw those tears and frowned, setting down his mug to put his other hand over his and Logan's laced ones. "You had no idea, L-Logie. I made the stupid mistake of keeping it all a secret; if I had said something earlier, all of this would have probably been avoided." He said.

'And Ken and I would have met in a way better situation.' He added in his head.

"But S-Shane...I can't believe he did all of this to you." Logan choked out, referring to the bruises littering James' body and the memories of the cruel sexual abuse. James smiled bitterly.

"I still can't believe it either. Even though I know why he did it, I still didn't understand why he decided to get his revenge that way. I guess...since his virginity was ripped from him, he thought we would be even if he took it away from me the same those bastards took his. As for the beatings, I guess he wanted to keep it clear to me who was the twin in charge."

"When are you getting help?"

"January first; I start everything that day, there's an hour between all of them and all are being held in the same hospital. Doctor Griffin wanted to be sure he can check up on my progress. January first I got to...Miss Lucy Stone for counseling, Mr. X for my bulimia and a guy named Buddha Bob for vocal cord therapy. All are good friends of Griffin's, and they are the best at what they do and everything is on the house; Griffin wants Auntie to just worry about me, not medical bills." James explained, that making Logan smile a little.

"I don't think there's one person on this planet that doesn't grow to love you in less than ten seconds flat. Doctor Griffin must really care about you to be wanting to pay for everything." Logan pointed out.

"Well, he is the guy who delivered me and Shane all those years ago..." James remarked, smiling softly. It was the first smile he's given to Logan that doesn't look sad or forced.

"So I'm assuming Kelly will be with you through all the sessions, right?"

"Well until we go back to school. All of my sessions, they are all early in the morning; she works from 6 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Friday so when school is back on Kendall will come with me."

"Wait, Kendall? Is he even allowed to?" Logan asked, caught off guard at this.

'Something else he forgot to mention.' He mentally added, sarcastically.

For some reason the thought of Kendall being with James during therapy bothered him, made him feel annoyed and jealous. He had history with James, they were ex-lovers. What did Kendall do, say, or even HAVE that made James trust him so much?

His rapist, was a guy! Shouldn't James feel uncomfortable around other males because of that? Well he wasn't since he didn't flinch away from the raven's touch but why, why Kendall?

'Jamie if you wanted me here...why do you still choose him? You can tell him to leave, you have that power to but you still want him around...'

James' facial expression hardened at the interrogative tone Logan was taking. "Yes he's allowed to, Logan. If I want him there then he's allowed to be there, Auntie has already talked to Griffin about it and he says it's okay. He's my best friend."

"You say that and you two have only been friends for a month." Logan said a little crossly, hand tensing in James'.

"Time doesn't always mean everything, Logan. Kendall has been there for me, and he's had all the patience in the world with me. He knows this is a very sensitive time for me and he's taking it step by step for me; he's not a complete stranger to me anymore, why does it bother you so much? And don't say it doesn't, because I know you." James demanded, though his hand never left Logan's.

Logan sighed, expression grim. "James, I'm not bothered by it, really I'm not. I just don't want you to get hurt is all."

"Are you trying to say that Kendall will hurt m-me?"

"No, no! I know Kendall: the sweetest and most down-to-earth guy in the world. I just don't want you to fall into a false sense of security is all. You're still very much damaged and the last thing I'd want is for you to land in the hospital again. You have to be careful and not push your boundaries; anything can trigger an attack from the memory of the abuse." Logan said.

James eyed him suspiciously but soon sighed and nodded. "I get it, sorry. I know you're looking out for me and sorry for accusing you a minute ago; I guess I'm just edgy, Kendall is the only friend I have apart from Katie, I can't imagine facing therapy without him..."

"Well, how about having two people with you during therapy instead of just one? I'm here." Logan suggested. At the suggestion James felt a little uneasy.

"I...I don't know, Logan. I'm pretty sure it's hard for both of us to be around each other after so long, I don't want to put you on the spot like that."

"But I want to; I want to be there James, for you like I should have been when we were together."

"L-Logan, I...I don't think-"

"James...I wasn't the man you needed me to be back then. I ran away and broke every dang promise I made you. I promised I'd be there for you; I broke that promise. I promised I would never judge you; I broke that promise, too. I promised to always love you through everything, and to always hear what you had to say; I also broke that promise. I wasn't the man you deserved back then, James, your man. I ran away the first chance I got, and because if my stupidity I left you...to go through Hell the last four years. I was your man, your boyfriend and best friend but I didn't act like I was. This is the chance to make up for the biggest mistake I ever made: letting you go."

'Is he...still in love with me?' James thought, unsure how to feel about this possible realization.

On one hand his affection for Logan has not died. On the other hand, though...James wasn't exactly sure what kind of affection he had for the raven now.

He did feel a little...happy when he saw Logan, a familiar face among all the pain and confusion. The raven was still his best friend, even with how things ended between them, and he wouldn't really mind the extra company and support through therapy. Logan was kind and caring, he was here despite all the time he freaking took to finally visit James. And he hadn't known about what was really going on with him and his twin brother back then...

'Maybe giving him a chance...isn't a bad idea. And he says he's sorry so, I shouldn't be so hard on him.' James thought, biting his lower lip.

"O-okay...I'll give you a chance, Logie. After all it wasn't your fault; I kept it a secret, and that was what pushed you away. It isn't fair on you, so...please, be at my side through all this. Please, help me get through this." James whispered, giving Logan's hand a light squeeze.

He couldn't help but feel a rush of joy at seeing Logan's eyes light up at these words, though the brunette winced a little when the raven kissed his knuckles.

"T-thank you, thank you James! I-I promise I will do my very best to help you, I-I will do everything to support you and finally be the man you needed! I promise you, I will be here for you." Logan said, smiling through watery eyes. James managed a small smile back.

"I-I know you will, Logie."

'I just hope...I'm not doing the wrong thing with this. Logan is my friend too...so why, why does it feel like I'm going behind Kendall's back by doing this?' James thought, feeling very, very, very confused inside now.

'I'll be there to support him; I'll give him all my time and affection, and hopefully over time...he'll fall in love with me all over again.' Logan thought, feeling a fluttery feeling entering his stomach.

The future was foggy right now, all he could for now was just be there for James. But he can't think negatively right now; he had to cling on to the hope that maybe, just maybe James still loved him deep down.

And Logan was determined to fight until the end, he was determined to fight for James.

If only he knew he would have to fight for James' heart against his easy-going, yet very protective, best friend, Kendall Knight.


	16. Set Fire to The Rain

Yolo! I saw that the Jagan got mixed reception. Thankfully, there's Kames in this chapter, with a side of Jagan. So, does that help? I sure hope so...! There will be more Kames next chapter, once I figure out what to do for the next chapter! Anyway, thank you to everyone for the reviews, the favorites, the story follows, everything! I totally appreciate all the support; it warms my heart truly it does! Enjoy this new chapter everyone, you all deserve it! Okay, let's get on with this! Oh, before I forget: all the chapters are named after songs! They all are really good and inspired me, I recommend them in general cause they are pretty nice tunes! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I don't even own my heart, cause they have had it since Big Time Audition! :') Sorry if this was really short; I'm sick right now and Mom wants me to rest as much as possible. Bless her heart. :)**

* * *

James sighed, all curled up in his bed in pajamas.

After dinner he didn't waste time saying goodnight and turning in for the night. He didn't even eat much of the spinach smoothie Auntie Kelly made him, as delicious as it was; he was feeling out of it since his talk with Logan.

Kendall noticed the brunette's sudden change of mood and was determined to find out the cause. He hated seeing his friends upset, especially James. Sadness just didn't look right on him.

So with that, he decided to put his plan into action.

_**-Page Break-**_

"Jamie, Jamie are you okay?" Kendall asked once he finished changing in the bathroom. He put away the clothes he wore into his duffel bag, keeping in mind he'd have to do laundry soon, and soon crawled into bed beside James.

His pajamas matched James': tank top with long pants and socks. The only major difference between them was the colors: James' tank was black, his pajama bottoms purple and his thick socks green, his charm bracelet giving off a light glow in the light of the lamp. Kendall's tank top was blue, bottoms gray and socks red.

Said hazel-green eyed beauty sighed and slowly turned so he faced Kendall, snuggling into the shorter boy's body. He wrapped both arms around Kendall's neck and pressed his face into the dirty blonde's chest, legs tugged up into his own torso.

"Jamie?" Kendall repeated his name again though in a whisper this time, soon cradling James like a small child in his long, warm arms. James sighed again, his chocolate-brown hair falling over his eyes.

"J-just please...hold me." James said, eyes growing wet. Kendall did as he was told and tightened his firm yet gentle embrace around the taller boy, yet he shifted slightly so that their eyes met, one hand leaving James' lower back to cup his thin, right cheek.

"Jay, what's wrong? Did something happen with Logan? Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking Loges did or said anything to you...but you've been acting a little strange since he left. Please tell me, you know you can talk to me about anything right? What's wrong, or is nothing wrong but you have something on your mind?" Kendall asked in a slow rush, deep bottle green eyes trying to read the other's unfathomable facial expression.

James bit his lower lip, a tear close to leaving his left eye.

How could he explain it, the immense confusion he was feeling in the pit of his stomach?

Logan was back in his life. The raven that was once was his whole wide world, his first love...after so long he was back without a warning. Sure James knew from Kendall that Logan had come around to visit him, and that he now knew what Shane has been doing to him, but to him it still hit him full force. Logan left him high and dry four years ago, and now...he wanted to be a part of James' life again.

And to say James was not confused was a complete lie.

He remembered how he fell in love with Logan in the first place: the raven was super smart, smarter than James obviously, sweet and loving and shy sometimes too. Logan had been there for the brunette when the twins' parents split up, he had been there when the brunette needed a shoulder to cry on. He knew how to make James laugh, Logan's mom loved him and despite being so different they got along really well. Logan was an overall amazing person, James wasn't going to deny that.

A light pink blush crossed James' cheeks at his train of thought; just because he was mentally admitting this, it didn't mean he still loved Logan...right?

'There is no way someone can still love an ex after four, long years right? It's just impossible!' James thought.

Yet the way Logan looked at him, the smile he gave them when they talked...it was the same smile and look he use to give them. Back when they were together.

A pang in his chest made James flinch and his tears fall, greatly alarming Kendall. "J-Jamie, what's wrong? Oh don't cry, everything is going to be alright but what's wrong? Jamie, Jamie?"

'Why do I feel as if I'm...c-cheating on Kendall someway?! It feels as if I'm cheating, like I'm some sort of man-slut or s-something!' James screamed in his head, reaching out to brush back a stray lock of dirty blonde hair from Kendall's face.

Kendall, Kendall Knight. When all of this started, he was nothing more than a stranger, a face he didn't know well from school; James had been scared and shy of him at first, it was just his instinct now and the abuse has left him doubting not only himself but everyone around him. The blonde, like Logan, was good-looking, sweet and nice but there was an obvious difference between them other than their appearances: Kendall was a leader.

He took charge, once he had his mind set on something he didn't give up until the end. He had a lot of patience with James; for some reason James felt Kendall knew what it was like to see someone in an abusive relationship, and because of that he knew how to act with said someone so fragile and broken. Logan had patience too, but all he knew about abuse was the symptoms and side effects, everything from books and cold logic.

He was loving, but Kendall was warm.

Kendall felt like home to James. With him, he felt safe; something he hasn't felt in a very long time. Seeing Logan was nice and all, but Kendall...was irreplaceable.

'Kendall...I can't imagine being without him now. Logan...Logan I can see coming in and out of my life but n-not Ken. Not Ken, I-I can't be without him. I-I...I really care about him; he has a special place in my heart that I don't think even Logan had. He's my best friend, and I like being around him. He makes me feel safe and...a-and he saved me from Shane. He saved me and from that day he's never left me. He's amazing and sweet and funny and...I don't want to feel confused about this.'

"Jamie, Jamie please answer me!" Kendall repeated, expression slowly going from worried to panicked. James blinked, having been lost in thought again, before he shook his head and met Kendall's eyes.

"I-I'm just scared, for what's ahead you know with therapy." He said.

Well it wasn't a lie, not completely. He was worried the long road to recovery he had ahead of him before he was to be okay again would be too hard for him, that he he wouldn't make it through the first few weeks.

Kendall could see there was more to the other's distress than what he was letting on, James was an open book with him in terms of reading his face, but he smiled softly and wiped James' tears away. He wasn't going to push him; he'd wait until the other was ready to tell him more about what was bothering him.

"It's going to be okay, Jamie. Remember: whatever happens, I'll be right here with you through it all." He whispered, pressing a light kiss to James' hair.

James searched Kendall's eyes for what seemed like hours on end before he smiled and nodded, snuggling more into the blonde's chest. "I know. A-as long as you're with me, I think I'll be okay..."

'And as long as you're with me, I think I'll be able to keep my sanity too.' He added with a mental sigh.


	17. You and Me

Yolo. Sorry if I sound dull; I'm sick, drowsy and even though I slept for more than eight hours, I still feel tired. But putting that aside, time for a fun chapter. I don't think keeping James cooped up is good for him, so this chapter is an outing chapter! Yep that's right: before the next chapter, Logan having a chapter to himself, we're going to see another fluffy Kames-filled chapter! I can't say more, just read and hopefully enjoy! Thank you to winterschild11 and Kames all the way for reviewing! Totally makes me smile, especially with me being sickly! Thank you. :) I had to listen to A LOT of different songs before there was one to inspire me for this chapter; if I do say so myself, the final song choice fits this chapter and James' opinion about Kendall to the T. **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush. My heart belongs to them though, does that count? ;) Oh, bold words in this chapter stand for James' poem, just a heads-up! It's a little something I wrote myself, heehee! Also, the song I mention Kendall singing is 'Love Letter', a song by him for his and Dustin's band, Heffron Drive. :) I couldn't put in the lyrics, but it is a beautiful song!**

* * *

"I want to go outside, can we?"

Kendall nearly choked on his cereal, deep bottle green eyes wide at James' suggestion.

The two were having breakfast at the kitchen counter, them the only two in the house. Kelly had another meeting with the family lawyer, though this time she was going to see Shane in police custody. Mama Knight and Katie were out shopping for cold medicine and New Year's Eve decorations. 2014 was still a few days away, but it was best to plan ahead; as for the cold medicine, James seemed to catching the bug, just a sneeze right now but he couldn't count on his unstable immune system so they were going to stock up on medicine as much as they can.

So that left Kendall and James at home alone, and for James to ask what he asked.

Kendall wiped at his mouth and tried to tune down his coughing, James patting him on the back for help. "Y-you want to go outside?"

James cocked his head to the side like a child. "Yeah, I want to go outside. I've been cooped up in here since Auntie got me out of the hospital. I hate being stuck in bed or not having nothing to do. I know I have to bundle up well since it's cold outside, and my vocal cord paralysis leaves me even more open to the flu and stuff, but please Kenny? I don't want to go anywhere noisy or fancy or whatever, just to the park. Please, can w-we go to the park, pretty please?" He pleaded, latching both arms around Kendall's on the table and pulling on his best puppy dog eyes.

Kendall bit his lower lip. He wanted to please James, he really did but he had to think of the risks: Kelly has fought off the small town paparazzi ever since James was discharged. The pretty boy may like attention, but that kind of attention would only further traumatize him. As for James being able to get sick...

"I don't know, Jay. The news reporters have been hounding this house, wanting to get the scoop on Shane. I can't expose you like that; it would just hurt you, and I'm not letting any sleazy journalist turn your story into high T.V. show ratings." Kendall began, but James pouted again.

"So I'll wear sunglasses and a hood up. There's still some sun out so I won't look weird to others, and a hood will hide my hair. People recognize me and Shane by our hair; nobody has our shade of brown hair in this town, apart from our own mother. Please Kenny, you can make sure what I'm wearing helps keep a low profile and protect me from getting sick but I'm getting sick of being stuck inside all day, so please? You can call Auntie and let her know, I'm not going to ask you to keep this a secret, but please?" James tried again, hazel-green eyes wider than normal.

Kendall looked torn still, but after a few minutes he sighed and caved in; he pulled out his cell-phone, giving James a soft smile. "Go ahead and get dressed, I'm going to give Kelly a call."

James' eyes lit up and he nodded happily, hopping from his stool and into his wheelchair, rolling as fast he can back to his room.

'The things I do for him.' Kendall thought with an eye roll. His smile was fond, though.

**_-Page Break-_**

"You ready, Jamie?" Kendall asked, making sure his phone was fully charged and his Spider-Man cap wouldn't fall off his head.

Thankfully, after turning on the Knight charm, Kelly gave the okay to Kendall to take James to the park. She had only two conditions the boys had to follow: make sure James keeps a low profile, and that said brunette was all bundled up. Vocal cord paralysis made it easier for James to catch colds, bacterial infections, etc. The last thing she wanted was for her little baby boy to get sick. She mothered Kendall too, telling him to stay warm and to not get noticed too; somehow the press knew about him, not his name and stuff, but that James had a regular visitor. Kelly managed to keep his, Katie's and their mom's IDs secret, but there was only so much she could do.

But Kendall promised to do all he can to keep James out of the limelight and sick-free, and that was a promise he was going to keep.

"Give me a minute, Kenny!" James replied, he still changing in his room while Kendall finished up in the bathroom.

The dirty blonde had showered and changed into a a blue turtleneck with dark washed skinny jeans, light blue-green Vans and a heavy jean jacket with a soft, white interior. He had his favorite Spider-Man cap and his regular wristbands, dark green earmuffs hanging from his neck.

He was quick to dry his wild hair and brush his teeth before cleaning up the bathroom (force of habit) and leaving, smiling when James met him in the hallway.

Said brunette smiled, flashing his straight white teeth. "Well, is this outfit okay?"

James, sitting all comfortable in his chair with his dark green, thick blanket over his lap, was wearing black skinnies and tall, black water-proof snow boots. He was wearing a thick gray turtleneck and white hoodie with a black trench coat over it, a black scarf tucked under the hoodie's collar. He had on the hood up over his head, black gloves on his hands (charm bracelet all nice and safe under his left glove) and a pair of dark shades over his beautiful hazel-green eyes. He had one of his poetry journals, complete with a ballpoint pen, on his lap and the bag Kendall kept his sketchbook in hanging from one of the handles of his chair.

He tilted his head when Kendall didn't answer right away, said blonde blushing a light pink for some reason. "Kenny?"

"Y-yeah, it's perfect Jamie! You look good, unrecognizable and all warm and snuggly!" Kendall said with a chuckle, rubbing the back of his head.

James smiled, face red though too for some reason. "Cool, so...can we go now?" He asked.

Kendall crossed over to the front door and pulled it open, house key around his finger. "All ready to go, my prince. Should we walk or take my car?"

"Walk, well you walk and I wheel. I'd rather we do that than throw your gas money out the window."

**_-Page Break-_**

"Wow, today is so pretty..." James whispered, he taking in the scene as Kendall slowly wheeled him through the park gates.

They had finally arrived to Sherwood's best and only park, a 15-minute walk from James and Kelly's house. Kendall smiled at the child-like glow of James' face, he agreeing with him.

Today's forecast was cloudy with only a stray rays from the sun, but it wasn't as cold as it has been recently. Two days-old snow was on the ground, still white and fluffy as if it had just fallen in soft, wet clumps. Rain from last week has been frozen solid into sparkling icicles on the branches of the bare, tall trees, kids playing on the playground and others walking their dogs or chatting pleasantly on benches.

To other people the scene may look damp and depressing but to James, to James it was beautiful. A scene like this rarely came around, and he was glad he had gotten Auntie's permission to come outside today. He would have been sad if he had missed out on all this beauty.

"Yeah it is; this scene makes me want to just stare at it all day, maybe then draw the kids playing or the dogs passing by." Kendall responded, blushing a bit as he saw a cute, tiny Pug being carried around by its owner, her tongue (Kendall worked at a pet shop when he was younger, he could tell a boy dog from a girl dog easily) hanging out.

James tilted his head back and smiled, Kendall's bag on his lap. "If you feel the urges coming up, I have your book with me." He said, making Kendall laugh.

"You know me so well, Jay."

"I hope I do, Ken. I'd be a bad best friend if I didn't." James said, turning his eyes back to the kids on the playground; he soon sighed.

"Seeing those kids play...reminds me of when me, Mom and Shane went to California to visit Auntie. Back when me and Shane were little, Auntie had a ranch with a whole bunch of horses. During those summers Auntie taught me how to ride and work with horses. I loved that ranch; this was before me and Shane had the...fallout, so I wasn't stressed about that but I was about school, my parents' constant fighting. Whenever I was there though, I felt like all my worries were gone. I would spend all day, from sunrise to sunset, with the horses, grooming them and feeding them and taking them out for a ride. You know, I was really close to one of them; her name was Gwen, I named her after that blonde girl from Spider-Man. I saw her as she was born, Auntie was an expert in horses before she took on fortune-telling. She was beautiful: body black as coal with a snow-white mane, she was fast and full of pride but she was so friendly too. From the moment I saw her I loved her, and she loved me. I took care of her when she got sick, I would always say goodnight and good morning to her, she was my baby girl in a way. Her mom, she was Kelly's first horse, passed away shortly after giving birth to Gwen. From then...I made it my life's mission to care for her. I haven't seen her since Auntie sold the ranch when I was thirteen...I miss her, and hope that she hasn't forgotten about me." James said, a slightly sad smile on his lips.

He's never told anyone about Gwen, not even Logan. As weird as it may sound, James saw Gwen as his child, his daughter. He loved that horse even before she was even born, her and her mom Olivia. When Auntie had to sell the ranch and give up all her horses, James was devastated. He had to lose Gwen, and everything they had together. Even though Auntie made sure Gwen was in good hands with another person wanting to open up a ranch in Florida, the brunette had felt as if a part of him died when they said one last goodbye.

He was surprised, really surprised behind his weak tears; he's never told anyone about Gwen. Kendall was the first person ever to hear this story.

Said dirty blonde stopped and walked over to get on his knees in front of James. He took one of his gloved hands in his, giving it a light squeeze while he gave a soft smile. "I'm pretty sure she's loving you from wherever she is, and I highly doubt she's forgotten about you, Jamie. After all, who would?" He said, that making James (manly) giggle and wipe at his tears with his free hand.

"You really t-think so?"

"I know so, Jay. With all you've done for her, I'm sure Gwen remembers you. I heard once that animals are really loyal to those who loved them, and that they never forget them. Maybe one day we'll find her and reunite you two again, I'm pretty sure she'll love to see you again as much as you do." Kendall said, pressing a kiss to the brunette's forehead.

James sniffed, yet his answering smile was beaming. "I-I'd like that, Ken. I really would..."

Kendall smiled back at him, yet he frowned when he felt something hit his back. He turned to see a little girl, with white-blonde hair and pretty blue eyes in a big, puffy pink jacket and jeans, running towards them, no doubt chasing after the large yellow ball that had collided with Kendall.

She slowed down and suddenly looked shy, tapping her boots against the concrete, as she was probably afraid the older boy was mad about the ball.

"I'm sorry, Mister." She said. She was a toddler, maybe only three years old and her little brothers were soon behind her, looking nervous too.

Kendall smiled though and picked up the ball, holding it out to her. "It's okay sweetie, here." He said.

The girl's little brothers pushed her forward, she able to catch herself and take the ball back.

"T-thank you, Mister!"

"Anytime, kid. Just be careful now, try to stay close to the playground okay?" The little girl smiled and nodded, she and her brothers about to head back when she stopped and turned again to wave at the teens.

"T-thank you, Mister! Your boyfriend is so pretty! Bye-bye!" She exclaimed, her brothers giggling and noodling in agreement.

James gasped at this, cheeks flushing a bright red while Kendall looked as if someone had just smacked him silly.

Sure Sherwood, despite being a small town, had a surprisingly high support rate for its gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community but he never expected a little girl to notice he was bi right off the bat!

Or think he and James were together...

Kendall turned to said brunette with a light grinning, chuckling nervously. "Oh kids these days, always seeing things huh?"

"Y-yeah, them and their wild imaginations! S-so, want to find a bench and relax for a little?"

**_-Page Break-_**

After looking for about twenty minutes, Kendall and James finally found a lone bench to sit on. They sat down, Kendall helping James out of his chair despite the other's weak protests, and got as comfortable as they could: James tucked his right leg under him, his healing one dangling like a rag doll's, while his head rested on Kendall's shoulder. He had his poetry journal out and open on his lap, he writing away as if today was his last day alive. Kendall had both his legs crossed under him, one arm around James' shoulders while he worked on a rough sketch with his free hand. They had a CD player, Kendall's, playing songs by Incubus (James wasn't a big fan of the band, but he had to admit the tunes were pretty good) and Maroon 5 in a mix as they worked, they sharing earbuds. They weren't talking, but just enjoying each other's presence and the serene silence.

Kendall liked this about James. The pretty boy didn't have to talk away to have fun; he could just be reading his favorite book or sitting quietly and he wouldn't be bored. Kendall didn't mind people who loved talking 24/7 without drawing breath, but sometimes silence was better than noise.

"So how's the poetry coming along?" He broke the silence as he looked up from his sketchbook, James tilting his head with a smile on.

"O-Okay I think. I had hard a time starting it, but I think I'm getting somewhere." James said, blushing a bit. He always got flustered and passionate when talking about poetry.

"Can I hear some of it?" Kendall asked, pulling out the puppy eyes. James laughed.

"Well I did drag you out here, so I guess it's only fair. It's not that good, but..." James took a deep breath, adjusting his sunglasses.

**"Blindness, blood, tears**

**All I've ever known is fear**

**Having to live for nothing but a lie**

**The only way I knew how to break free was to cry**

**For four years I was left in the dark, red and black**

**I could have sworn my sanity was slipping through the cracks**

**I was falling apart, and for so long I thought I it was all my fault**

**I mean, what did I do to deserve this?**

**Adding insecurity and doubts to my long, self-destructive list**

** But now...now I don't think**

**I don't think of the pain, well I try not to, and I don't overdo the blinks**

**Because now, now I see the light**

**No more pain, or lies, I don't need to fight**

**Now I can finally heal, now I don't have to deal**

**With sadness or tears**

**Because little by little, I am losing my fears..."**

James swallowed hard and closed his journal, blush darker. "Like I said it's not that good and that's just the beginning but..."

"J-Jay, are you kidding? That was amazing! It was so deep and w-wow, it touched me! Don't put yourself down like that, I love it!" Kendall said, grinning that famous grin of his.

James blushed heavier at the praise but smiled and chuckled. "Thanks, Ken. H-how about you, what are you working on?" At this Kendall turned sheepish.

"To be honest, I was doing more brain-storming than drawing, Jay. I can't think of anything to draw, I hope my spark isn't leaving me again!" The dirty blonde faked a frustrated groan. James laughed again.

"I highly doubt it, you probably just have too many options to choose from and don't know which one to go for. Hey Ken...would you mind singing to me? I've heard you sing to Katie over the phone when she couldn't sleep, maybe your voice can help me finish this poem." James said, flipping his journal again.

Kendall looked surprised, and embarrassed. He had no idea James has heard him sing before, nor that he seemed to like his voice...

"J-Jay, you've heard me sing before?" James nodded.

"A few times, you're not exactly discreet. Auntie mentioned one time you were singing while driving her to the pharmacy for refills of my painkillers." James explained, that making Kendall's blush darken and let out a shy chuckle.

"Trust me, that wasn't singing." He said, though James gave him a playful glare.

"I use to sing, Ken; I know singing when I hear it, and trust ME that you sing really well. So will you, will you sing for me? Even if it's just a verse a two, pretty please?" James asked, twirling his pen between his fingers.

Kendall sighed before he took a deep breath and began singing, keeping it low so the intimate moment stayed between them.

At first James began writing again as Kendall sang, yet he soon stopped to take in his friend's voice fully.

Kendall was lying when he said his voice wasn't all that good. He sounded so amazing, like an angel; James snuggled closer to the blonde's side to hear him better, after the first chorus completely mesmerized by the other's voice.

'Wow, maybe Kendy really is an angel...'

**_-Page Break-_**

When Kendall finally finished, James started clapping. The dirty blonde was red in the face at the applause, but he smiled when he saw just how happy he's made James by singing to him.

"You are amazing." James said finally. Kendall chuckled.

"Some people don't think so."

"So? You are, haters are just going to hate." James replied, laughing along with Kendall now.

"Yeah I guess you're right, so did I help you finish your poem?" This time, James blushed.

"Well I was too caught up in you...I m-mean your voice, to really write anything down. S-sorry." James said, though Kendall waved it off.

"Hey, if it made you happy then I'm happy too. You thirsty?" Kendall checked his watch. They got to the park around nine and now it was ten minutes to twelve. They've been there for like two hours.

"Yeah a little, and it's getting cold now..." James noticed with a light shiver. Kendall tightened his hold on him, protectively.

"How about I treat my Ice Prince to some hot chocolate?" He said, remembering he had some twenty dollar bills to spare. James smiled.

"I'm an Ice Prince? How so?"

"Because you like Winter and you look nice in blue and white."

**_-Page Break-_**

"Two hot chocolates, one safe for a slightly lactose intolerant Ice Prince!" Kendall said, smiling as he got to his and James' table, two chocolates in hand.

James smiled and said his thanks, taking slow careful sips through the bendable straw.

"This is delicious, you didn't have to pay for me though..." He began though Kendall waved his words off.

"A gentleman always pays for his Ice Prince." Kendall replied, making James roll his eyes playfully.

The two had stopped by at Kelly and James' favorite cafe/bookstore. The place was nearly vacant since a majority of the town was working, but the atmosphere was cozy.

"So has Mama Knight texted you yet?" James asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin. Kendall nodded, James thinking he looked funny, but in a good way, with his hot chocolate mustache.

"Yep, she and Katie got all the decorations. Kelly texted me too, about Shane." At this James flinched, yet he forced himself to stay calm.

"What did she tell you?"

"Shane...is going to try and plea for the insanity defense. Apparently...your dad got him a lawyer." Kendall expected James to freak, to start crying but he only got a bitter smile back.

"I'm not surprised, really Ken I'm not. Dad knows I'm pan but doesn't know Shane is gay. He probably thinks I did something to make Shane r-rape me."

"But why the hell would he think that?" Kendall hasn't met James' father yet, but right now he wasn't liking him one bit.

"Ken, Shay was always my dad's favorite. Mom and Auntie coddled me, Dad coddled Shane. I would have been surprised if he supported ME instead; the good thing is that Connie knows me, and Shay. She won't take sides."

"Connie is your step-mom? Is she good to you?"

"Yeah, always has been. She may be fifteen years younger than my dad, but she knows how to be a way better parent than him sometimes. She looks nothing like my mom: she's a ginger with brown eyes, super model beautiful and really smart though, like Mom. She and Shane bonded more, but she cares about us both." James explained, suppressing a cough. Kendall frowned and took James' free hand over the table.

"I promise you, Jay, everything will work out for the best." He said, squeezing the brunette's hand softly. James smiled in spite of the disappointment, and anger, he was feeling towards his dad.

"I know, and on New Year's Eve I'm going to make the same wish I make every year: for Mom to wake up."

"I hope she does too, I'd like to meet her."

"I'd like that too; I'm sure my mom would really like you, Kenny."

"I hope so."

"I know so, Ken. Me and Mom are close, and I know...that she'll wake up. One day, maybe not today or tomorrow, but she will wake up."

"That I know, Jamie. That I know." Kendall said, smiling when James let out a cute yawn.

"The Ice Prince is sleepy, come on we'll take a bus back home. You need to rest; had a lot of excitement happen to you today, huh?" Kendall said, getting up and throwing his and James' empty cups to the trash.

James yawned again as he eased himself into his chair, Kendall pulling the boy's blanket up until it was tucked under his firm chin.

"Thanks."

"Anytime, Ice Prince."

**_-Page Break-_**

James was fast asleep by the time he and Kendall were in the bus heading back home. The pain medication left him a little more tired than normal; he slept more often than he liked, but the rest was making his leg and bruises heal better and faster, so he didn't complain much.

Kendall had fallen asleep too, tired from the walk but it was worth it; both boys enjoyed their little outing and James hasn't been recognized by anyone so the plan of keeping a low profile was going great too. Now both were catching up on their sleep.

The bus had three more stops before they would need to get off, yet Logan's face hardened when he saw them all cuddled up in their seats.

"On second thought I'll walk, thanks." He said to the bus driver, hopping off and walking away without refunding his bus change.

James suddenly stirred from his sleep, soft hazel-green eyes fluttering open. He looked around, swearing he had heard Logan's voice, but he didn't see him. He looked up at Kendall, who was snoring softly, and smiled before closing his eyes again and going back to sleep.

Maybe his imagination got the best of him, woke him up. At least he had his favorite pillow with him, though: Kendall.


	18. Open Your Eyes

Yolo, again! I'm feeling a little better, but not enough to not sleep so much of the day away; I literally crashed asleep after putting up the last recent chapter, though it only lasted for an hour or two I think. Still, this is better than how I was feeling a few hours ago. Plus, I have something to attend to tomorrow so I can't write for tomorrow so here's a double update! Now, onward to this new chapter! I said this would be focused on only Logan, but I decided to focus on both Logan and Kendall, even if Kendall isn't seen in this chapter. Both boys probably feel conflicted for two reasons: 1) James happens to be the boy they're both in love with. 2) They must feel like they might lose their friendship over this, because both boys love James and want the best for him but it may cost their best friends/close as brothers relationship. In the end though, will one of them back down for the other? I don't think so, at least not without a good (clean!) fight, but please dear readers don't think I want to turn them against each other. No friendship is worth losing over a love interest, so maybe if everyone, since you guys are the ones with the real power over the final pairings of this story, decides Kames, I'll throw in Cargan. Same applies to Jagan, though; if voted for as the final pairing, then I'll put in Kenlos. Still, there's still quite a few chapters to this story, so everyone don't feel pressured to vote right now. I still need to include many events, so please hold on for the ride and enjoy the story. :) Thank you all for the support; this story has gotten so far in so little time, and I appreciate all the comments and input for this story. This is truly a joy to write, despite the painful subject of abuse; I want this story to show that even if someone goes through Hell on Earth, you can recover from it with help. Okay, here we go! Again enjoy! Review guys, review! Tell me what you think, I want to hear everyone's voices! Please, every piece of input I get helps develop the story's plot and significance! A review counts a lot for me, so don't be shy and tell me what you think! Again once more, please enjoy! Wow long author's note, sorry! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! But I do have pictures of Kendall on my iPad, because he's my favorite! I'm sucker for those deep green eyes, but I love all the boys in the end so yeah! I don't own my heart either; it belongs to Kendall S., James M., Logan H., and Carlos P., and I don't want it back. ;)**

* * *

Logan sighed as he stared at the ceiling of his bedroom. He tried to block out the image of James and Kendall, snuggled up like love-struck boyfriends, on the bus but it always came to haunt him with a sinister grin.

After getting home he basically jumped onto his old Chevy truck and drove around town until the sun started to set, gas tank almost empty and tear tracks glowing against his vanilla-white cheeks. After that he had an early dinner and locked himself up in his room, devouring about ten of his forty-five medical books in less than two hours.

Not even reading distracted him, though.

'What am I suppose to do?' The raven thought sadly, massaging his temples.

He loved James but Kendall was his best friend. The two were close, like brothers and he certainly wasn't looking forward to the possibility of he being in a love triangle with his non-blood brother. He has always valued their friendship, Kendall was a rare person to find in this world: cool, nice, caring. They were best friends, surely no one was worth losing a nine-year old friendship for.

But Logan, he always has been and still was in love with James.

Unlike with Kendall, Logan had fallen in love with James. No offense to the dirty blonde, he was good-looking and all but there was something about James that captivated the raven the moment he met him back when they were little kids. Logan didn't know what was about James that drove him crazy: was it his deep, warm hazel-green eyes? Was it his sweet, gentle smile or how he laughed? Was it his often dim-witted but still loving and interesting self in general? What caught Logan's eye about the beautiful brunette he had no clue, the point was that he fell for James and that was that. He fell for him, and he fell for him hard.

And life was giving him a second chance to get James back.

He never moved on from James, even after four years of no contact. Logan was convinced James was his first love; he's never felt this way for anyone else, and going for four years pining for the same person and ignoring other possible romances proved that his heart only thumped for James, only wanted James. He loved James, he regrets ever letting him go, and just wanted to make things right again and be worthy of James' heart.

He just never expected Kendall to fall for the same guy! The same guy, his ex!

He just couldn't see them together! Kendall liked the colors blue, green and silver. James liked purple and green and pink. Kendall was a procrastinator when it came to school, James wasn't the smartest kid around but he did fairly well in his classes. James' favorite band was Maroon 5, Kendall's either Incubus or Taking Back Sunday. Both were major hockey heads sure, but James also liked football while Kendall liked football, swimming and soccer. Kendall liked pizza while James liked California burritos, the list can go on forever! They were so different, how could they possibly go well together?

Of course Logan knew he and James weren't alike in personalities or hobbies, no way close at all; he was the smart boy while James the pretty boy but opposites attract, right? And he's known James longer, Kendall has been friends with him for only a month. There was no way James would fall for him, not if the raven could get James to remember what they had and have him open his eyes. He knew their history wasn't so squeaky clean, but if James gave him the chance, he would do all he can to make this second time around better. He never meant to let James go; he made a mistake, he can't go back in time and fix it but he can change their future.

He hasn't given up hope; not a day has gone by that Logan has not prayed to God for a second chance with James, to be the man he wasn't back then and the man Kendall can't be.

The blonde may have had experience with abuse, though more verbal than physical, thanks to his dad but he wasn't the man James needed. He can't love James like he does, and every promise sooner or later was meant to be broken.

Besides, if James had fallen in love with Kendall...he would have told Logan. The brunette wasn't one to beat around the bush; if he had fallen for the raven's best friend, he would have told him and as much as it would have broken Logan's heart, he would have stepped down. Kendall was his best friend and he only wanted James to be happy, even if it wasn't with him.

But he didn't say he was in love with Kendall, which meant Logan had a chance. Even if it was a small one, a chance was still a chance.

He still had a chance to open James' eyes and make him see that there was more to him and Kendall than he could realize. They were very different, and James had to have that clear.

'So...all's fair in love and war.' Logan thought, feeling reassured now.

Even though it made him sad to have to compete against his best friend, he wasn't about to go down without a fight.

He was going to fight for James' heart; he wasn't about to give up on his first love, not yet.

Kendall better be ready; their friendship was about to become a love battlefield.


	19. Young Love Pt 1

Yolo! I'm sicker today than I was yesterday, don't know why but I'm not going to let this little cold stop me from writing! So, after the mostly Logan-centered chapter...a short but sweet Kames-filled chapter! So, enjoy! Thanks for the reviews, everyone! Others, don't be shy! Remember this:

Tell me what you think! Now, for last chapter's review responses:

winterschild11~ You are right, dear reader. I agree with you completely, but you know what they say, 'Love makes people blind'. And Logan is really blind.

BTRlover1122~ Hmm, who knows who will James choose after he's healed enough? All is up to you guys, the readers, not me. :)

Kennethowo~ Well luckily for you, this story is just beginning. Nice to know you enjoy it!

Kames all the way~ Hmm, I see what you mean. Let's just hope James doesn't go to extreme measures...0-0

Enigma InuChild XIII~ I get a lot of inspiration for awkward turtle moments, big sis! ;)

Keep up with the comments and reviews, I just love reading how everyone interacts with the story! That let's me know I'm doing my job right: making this story an interesting and emotional experience! Thank you everyone thank you so much! You are all sweet and just amazing! You all cheer me up, especially in this time of being sick and coughing my brains out! Here's the latest chapter, hope everyone likes it! Not only does it have Kames, but Protective!Kelly over James! I just love stories in which they have that connection, hope I did it justice! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I'm only a fan that would happily give her heart every day to them, because they are the angels I've waited for for years! The song that inspired this chapter was a song by BTR, one I found while surfing YouTube! It's called 'Young Love' and it is beautiful! :')**

* * *

Kendall checked James' temperature, said brunette fast asleep.

The two were all snuggled up in bed. The outing had left James very drained but he had fallen asleep after an early dinner with a smile on his face. He had started coughing a little though afterwards which concerned Kendall. There was a chance James could be catching a cold.

'Well he doesn't have a fever, that's good. Hopefully the cough and cold pills I had him take kick in before he can get worse. I better get his painkillers and a water bottle though, in case he wakes up with a headache.' Kendall thought, sliding out from under the sleeping brunette beauty slowly, carefully.

He swung his feet over the side of the bed and got up, only to hear a groan behind him followed by a shifting. "Eh, K-Kenny?" James called, soft hazel-green eyes staring sleepily up at the dirty blonde.

Kendall smiled softly and leaned down to press a kiss to the other's forehead, brushing his messy, yet extremely soft, chocolate brown hair away from his face. "Hey, shhh it's okay. I'm just going to the kitchen for a bottle of water and your painkillers. Just in case you wake up with a headache okay, sometimes catching a cold does that to someone." He whispered gently, James frowning a little.

"O-okay...but don't take too l-long please." He said, only closing his tired eyes when Kendall kissed his forehead again and fluffed again the pillows under his head.

"I won't, I promise Jamie. Now go back to sleep, okay? I'll be right here when you wake up in the morning, shhh it's okay Ice Prince." Kendall said, smiling at the now again snoring brunette. He made sure James' breathing evened out before leaving the room, cheeks flushed a soft pink though.

'I swear, just being around him makes me feel so happy. Seeing that he's better than a month ago makes me feel on top of the world too; there's still a long road ahead of us, but it's going to be okay, Jamie...'

_**-Page Break-**_

Kendall was surprised to find Kelly awake still, smiling down at her empty coffee mug with her cell- phone in her other hand. She had tears down her cheeks, but they were happy tears. At least, Kendall really hoped they were happy tears.

"Kelly, you okay?" He asked, balancing the bottle of water and painkillers in one palm while the other gently touched her shoulder. Said woman jumped from surprise but relaxed at seeing familiar deep green eyes, smile pulling at her face again.

"H-hi dear. What are you doing up, are you okay? Is my Jamie doing alright?"

"Yeah. He was coughing earlier so I gave him some of the cold medicine my mom got today, and I just came to get some painkillers for him too. Sometimes having a cold, I mean if he's catching one which I really hope not, gives a person a headache so if he does get one in the morning, he can take these as soon as he wakes up. But what's wrong Kelly, you're crying." Kendall said, facial expression worried now.

It turned into one of complete confusion though when Kelly laughed, wiping at her watery dark brown eyes.

"Oh I'm not upset, dear. I-in fact, I'm happy."

"What happened?"

"Doctor Griffin just called me, with really amazing news: James can get his cast removed this Monday coming up. He's healed faster than expected, a-and it's a miracle that none of his muscles are torn or strained..." Kelly began, giggling in whole-hearted relief.

Kendall felt his legs wobble; he had to grab the kitchen counter to keep standing up but even in the dim lighting of the kitchen Kelly could see the bright, happy smile on the blonde's face, and the tears of joy beginning to fill his eyes.

'O-oh God, oh God; You did it, Big Guy! You looked out for Jamie, I can't thank You enough!'

"A-are you serious? Kelly, Kelly that's great! That's wonderful, amazing, oh my God it's really a miracle!"

"That's not a-all, dear. Nurse Camille got the STDs test results back; my b-baby is clean, no HIV or Herpes, nothing ha! He's clean, he's okay..!" Kelly exclaimed in a choked yell, embracing the boy tightly.

Kendall let out a big breath and began laughing in relief too, tears working down his cheeks.

James...he was clean! He was at no risk of STDs, even when Shane didn't use a condom! He was okay, he wouldn't have to suffer medication or anything of the sort!

His Jamie, his Ice Prince was okay.

'T-thank you, God. Thank you, thank, thank you for the news. Oh God, Jamie...!"

"Does Jamie know?" Kendall asked when he and Kelly broke apart.

She shook her head. "I think it would be best if Doctor Griffin tells him the news himself, when we go to have his cast removed this Monday. A-and...I'm planning to let him see his mom this Monday too, I think he'd like that. But thank God because I was really worried about the test results, Kendall. My baby has been through so much; I just wanted him to be able to breathe without so much on his mind." Kelly said, choking again but Kendall hanged her a tissue from the box on the counter, smiling through his tear-streaked face too.

"But see, miracles do happen! Now for Jamie, this was a step towards recovery believe it or not! I know he was worried about that too, but I knew it would all work out. He's amazing, beautiful, strong and just...wow! I knew it, I knew he was going to make it out of this! Step-by-step; it takes a while but the battle is worth it." Kendall went on, Kelly giving him a soft smile.

"You really do care about my Jamie, don't you? If I didn't know any better, I would think you are in love with him." She said, that making Kendall freeze up and blush a fiery red in return.

"W-well he is my best friend, of course I love him; I love him very much, my b-best friend which he is." He said, stumbling a bit though Kelly eyed him as if she knew something he didn't.

"Normally, the term 'young love' doesn't suit me; teenagers are new to things like relationships and feelings, and considering the pain my baby went through at losing Logan...I completely think 'young love' is stupid and unfaithful." Kelly began, Kendall lost as to where she was going with this.

"Umm, I don't think I'm understanding, Kelly." He started to say, but she smiled and held up a hand.

"Let me finish, dear. As an adult, I discourage all the supposed Romeo and Juliet stories I hear nowadays from kids. Love is...tricky, and it can break someone as well as make them. James has no idea what it's like to be cared for genuinely, to just not be used for his body. He's broken and hurt and needs to be loved for real; he will need someone who will be there for him in the long run, that won't run away and that will help him learn to love himself. Listen I know that Logan probably hopes to get James back; I can tell that he still has feelings for him. Want my most honest opinion on that? I think...that James needs a new start, with someone that is not Logan if he is ever going to know what love is again, real true love. Now, the reason why I'm saying this to you, is because you may not realize it right now, but...I am trusting you, Kendall. I am trusting you with my baby's heart, his smile, with him. Answer me this: when James finally recovers, w-will you leave him?"

A short silence fell between them, Kelly beginning to get nervous when Kendall finally replied. "Kelly, the only way I would leave James...is if he asked me to himself. As long as he wants me around, I'll always be here to protect him, to care about him, and do everything I can to make sure he's happy. So no, I won't leave him when this Hell is over, not if he wants me to stay." Kendall said. Kelly smiled.

"That's just the answer I expected from you, dear."

**_-Page Break-_**

Kendall still felt confused about what he and Kelly talked about in the kitchen as he got back into bed with James and hugged him closed. He had no idea what she meant by 'young love', but those jumbled up thoughts left him instantly when he felt James smile in his sleep and snuggle more into him.

Kendall smiled at the response and kissed James' left temple softly, resting his head on the brunette's shoulder.

'I had no idea what Kelly was trying to say but that's okay; as long as James needs me, I can here all confused for the rest of my life. All I want is to be with him, be there for him forever...' Was his last thought before he was asleep too, his hold on James gentle but firm, protective in case he had another Shane-related nightmare.

Kelly watched the two from the doorway, the door opened a little bit but she was still able to see the two just fine. Despite the side of her that was nagging at her like crazy, the overprotective Auntie in her, she smiled.

'Young love...it's not always true but maybe, maybe what Kendall is feeling isn't that way at all. He has his whole life ahead of him, but if he's willing to give it all for my baby then...then, it's real; what he's feeling is real. They both don't realize it, but I have this gut feeling that these two's relationship will change over time. Call it fortune-teller's sixth sense or Auntie's intuition, but I think Kendall, over time, will be the one that can love James the way he needs to be loved...'


	20. Keep Holding On

Yolo...! I don't get it; I was terrible yesterday pale and undead like a zombie, and this morning all I had was a cough. I swear, being sick is such a strain. But anyway, thank you to winterschild11 and No-Emotions-To-Cry for their reviews! I totally appreciate your words, and I agree with you both: Kelly knows what is REALLY going on! Now enjoy this latest chapter! I won't say much so not to give it away but please enjoy and review! Your input is gold, trust me, to this insane author! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I don't own my heart either, it belongs to them too; what I do own is the plot of this AU! Again, enjoy! :)**

* * *

"A-are...are you serious, Doc?" James choked out, tears in his soft hazel-green eyes yet feeling at the same time a heavy weight being removed from his chest.

Today was the day he's been anxiously waiting for: his appointment with Doctor Griffin. Now James hated hospitals, and needles, the only way he'd be okay with visiting one would be if it was very dire, an emergency. Today was he was to see if he could get his cast removed and his STDs test results back; those two things have loomed over him like a double thunder cloud, eating away at him with fear and worry.

That is, until he heard clear the words that left the gray-haired man's mouth.

Griffin smiled as he undid the flexible cast around James's left leg, the brunette flexing his foot a little to see if he felt any pain. He was there with Kelly, Kendall, and Logan, who were all waiting patiently, with bright grins, to hear more.

"You heard me, Diamond. You've healed faster than expected; the X-rays I did earlier on your leg show no broken bones whatsoever, and no muscles or ligaments torn. You can now bring in the new year with a fully healed leg." Doctor Griffin said, chuckling when James practically jumped to his feet, smiling when he didn't feel any pain and that he didn't collapse to the floor.

"O-oh my God, this is amazing! Ken, Loges, I can walk again!" James exclaimed, breaking his tight hug with Kelly to beam at his two friends.

"I told you it would all work out, Jay." Kendall said, giving him a quick wink.

"You always were a fighter, Jamie. This just proves it even more." Logan added, smile soft.

James smiled back them with flushed, rosy cheeks though he had to resist the urge to hug Kendall so not to make Logan feel left out. "Ha, thanks guys! I'm so glad you two are with me, that way Auntie and I could share the news!"

"Oh but that's not all I have to say to you, my boy. We got your STDs test results back a few days ago." James' eyes went wide at this, voice softer now with nerves.

"A-and what did the r-results say, sir?" Griffin looked grim for a few, long minutes before he broke into a large smile once more.

"You tested negative for all possible STDs, you're clean my boy!" Kendall and Logan had to catch James when the brunette nearly stumbled back and fell on his butt.

He had tears running down his face now, a weak smile on his lips.

"R-really, but how?! I mean, I'm h-happy that I'm clean and all, but S-Shane never used a condom! A-and he was raped by three different boys!" Griffin nodded at this, checking his clipboard.

"I understand your concerns, my boy. I have two possible scenarios to help explain that: the first scenario, it is possible that those three boys each used a condom when they...attacked Shane, reducing the chances of spreading any diseases to Shane during the forced intercourse. The second scenario, is that the three boys did not wear condoms but they were clean from the start; Shane couldn't have been infected if there was no chance of catching a sexually-transmitted disease from his attackers to begin with, meaning he couldn't have passed on anything to you. We made sure everything was air-tight but I can assure you now that you're a hundred percent clean."

James took a deep breath before he broke down sobbing, happily though, into his hands.

No one had to ask if James was okay; despite the shaking, the trembling of his thin, frail body...everyone can tell that these tears had nothing to do with sadness at all.

**_-Page Break-_**

"Now just as promised, Jamie baby..." Kelly whispered, opening the door to hospital room numbered one hundred twenty-two.

James' eyes were wet but content as he saw his mother Brooke. Kelly and Logan waited by the open door while the brunette tucked Kendall along until they were gently hovering over the sleeping woman, James resting his head on Kendall's left shoulder as he finally found his voice again.

"T-that's her, she is my mom B-Brooke." James whispered, squeezing Kendall's hand in his.

"Wow...she's beautiful, Jay." Kendall said, and he was exactly right.

Brooke Athena Diamond was beautiful. She had soft chocolate brown hair, almost the exact same shade as James', in a wild pixie cut and smooth, deeply tanned skin. She had the same thin, pale lips as James and the same slender eyebrows as James; she just had slightly blonde highlights in her hair unlike James. She was thin in extreme and looked so young, in her late thirties or early forties at best and looked like she never had given to birth to twin boys seventeen years ago. She looked sweet though despite being asleep, and Kendall didn't have to see her eyes to know they were the soft, loving hazel-green James inherited from her.

James was his mom's splitting image. He couldn't see anything on him that wasn't his mom's work; the only difference between them was the obvious gender difference, Brooke was tall like James too! They even had the same high cheekbones!

And just like her, Kendall knew James was beautiful inside and out.

James smiled at Kendall's words, he reaching out with his free hand to stroke her cool, left cheek. "T-thanks, people say we look a lot alike but I don't see it. I sometimes hear I look like my dad more." He said, pointing to a picture on his mom's bedside table.

Kendall took one look at that picture...and couldn't see why some people said James looked like his father, Michael. There wasn't a single thing he could see that could tie them to being father and son.

The picture was of the twins when they were seven; they were still small, but it was obvious who they took more after despite their young age. It was a family photo: Brooke, eyes beaming with a large smile on her lips as she rocked James and Shane on her lap. She was wearing a crisp pinstripe suit, the boys in nice, clean blue jeans and long sweaters. James' sweater was gray though, Shane's red. Behind them stood Michael Diamond, this obviously a picture of the family before the divorce, with a fierce expression that almost made Kendall wince.

'That is James' father?' He still couldn't believe it!

Michael Diamond was tall, extremely tall and thin. He looked maybe a year or two older than Brooke, with very pale skin that made him look sickly. His hair was so black it looked blue in certain lights, like it did in the picture when it was taken, and his eyes were so gray it was like they had no pupils to them. He wore a pinstripe suit that matched Brooke's and he stood tall and proud behind his once wife and twin sons, yet his sharp nose and thick brows gave him the impression of a hawk in waiting.

The family had the picture taken in their large, grand Diamond mansion living room, but only James and Shane looked like they weren't posing for a business photo shoot.

There was...nothing in Michael that Kendall could see James inherited from him, well apart from the faint freckles that dotted James' nose. James' nose wasn't sharp and his chin didn't stand out to a point. His eyes weren't so hazel-green, bits of gold and red could be seen and they weren't a stone cold gray; he definitely wasn't deathly pale and his hair wasn't black either.

If James hadn't pointed Michael out as his father, Kendall would have assumed he was a family friend or even a creepy business partner of Brooke's.

"W-well, you have his...you have his freckles?" Kendall said with a weak smile, hoping James wouldn't take his response as an insult. The brunette laughed though and shrugged, sitting the picture down.

"Trust me, you're not the first person to have trouble trying to point out similarities between me and my dad. I really look nothing like him, right? Everyone on his side of the family look the same: black hair, gray eyes, pale skin. Only my paternal grandma looks a little different: she has brown eyes instead of gray." James explained, Kelly ushering herself and Logan out to give the two boys some alone time with Brooke.

"Wow, that's a big spin on things. I guess your mom's genes were way stronger, huh?" Kendall asked; he smiled when James laughed again.

"Oh believe me, while everyone on Dad's side looks alike, NO ONE on Mom's does! My grandma Beth is a blonde with blue eyes, Auntie a raven with brown eyes, and half of my cousins are gingers with green or hazel eyes! I get asked a lot if my mom is actually my older sister, just because we're said to look a lot alike! It's strange how that works, huh?"

"Yeah it is, but your mom really is beautiful, Jay. And you're strong you know, just like her; you got beauty, brains and guts, you really are her splitting image." Kendall said, pressing a light kiss to James' forehead.

"Oh shut it, Kendy." James said, cheeks red and expression reading embarrassment. He was smiling though as he touched his mom's cheek again, a lone tear rolling down his face.

"H-hey Momma. It's Jamie, h-how are you doing? You look so pretty, just like you do every day I come see you. I-I came to see you because...I broke my leg, you know me always getting into trouble, but today I got the cast off. I can walk again, Momma, just in time for the n-new year. I-it's 2014, Momma. Tomorrow is 2014, I r-remember your favorite number is 14. You always said it brought you good luck, like how on October 14th...y-you opened your business and it was an overnight success. It's a new year, Momma, I-I graduate this year too...

Kendall smiled and moved his arms so that he supported James around the waist, said brunette leaning into him as he went on.

"G-guess what, Momma? I have someone here I wanted you to meet for a while now, he's someone really special to me. Momma, meet Kendall. Let's just say I've been through a rough patch for a long time, I can tell you the while story when...you're awake, but h-he's made it easier for me to deal with a few issues I've had. We haven't been friends for very long but...b-but it feels like I've known him all my life and it isn't because we've been going to the same schools since fifth grade.

Kendall and James looked at one other briefly at this but just as quickly looked away. Their faces were red at this point.

"Kendall's really helped me, Momma. From the start he's always been here and...he's has not broken his promise to me to always be here for m-me. You always were a woman that took promises very seriously, and after Dad broke his promises to you...it l-left you empty inside. You started to be less trusting with other people and you taught me and S-Shay that growing up...but Kendall is different, Momma.

'Wait, I am?' Kendall thought, James smiling softly at him now.

"He's really different, Momma. He's been so nice to me; he makes me feel s-safe, and I like being around him. I don't feel sad or scared or mad when I'm with him, quite the opposite actually; he knows I write poetry and he likes my work, like you and Auntie do. He's an artist too, he can draw people really well, and he sings really well too. He's easy-going and fun, funny too he always makes me laugh. He's just amazing, Momma, and I'm...I'm only me when I with him. He's gotten to know me so well, and I like that. I really like that, Momma. I really hope you wake up soon, that I can give the biggest hug and kiss on the planet! And also...so you can properly meet Kendall, I have a feeling you'd really like him..." James finished this all in one breath, Kendall pressing a kiss to James' cheek this time as he hugged him tight and rested his chin on top of James' head.

He reached out with one hand and placed it over Brooke's crossed over her stomach, his expression sod tans loving.

"Hi, Mrs. Diamond. It's really an honor to finally meet you, you're all Jamie ever talks about. You're just as beautiful as he says too, I can see where he gets his brains and beauty from. I promise you...that I'll take good care of your son, Mrs. Diamond. I'll always be here for him, so when you wake up you'll see him bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and smiling. I promise, I promise I'll take care of him; I won't let anything hurt him, ever again..." He said with a polite kiss to Brooke's knuckles.

James smiled and nuzzled his head into Kendall's neck. "T-thank you, Kendy..."

"Anything for you, Jamie."

"You really think she'll wake up?"

"I do, and just to make sure your wish is extra strong tomorrow night at midnight...we'll make the same wish, together: for your mom to be with you again."

"B-but Ken, you have your own New Year's Eve wish!" James began to protest, yet Kendall gently shushed with a smile and finger to his lips.

"And my wish is for you to be happy, Jay. That's all I want for 2014, and you having your mom back will make you happy. I want to make the same wish as you, Jay, I really want to." Kendall reassured him, James burying his face into Kendall's chest now.

"Thank y-you..."

"You can thank me when you have your mom back, Ice Prince. For now though, I just want you to look forward to the new year; I'm going to make it better than this year, and the last other three too. I'm going to make this year unforgettable for you, Jay, I promise."

'I know you will, Ken. And hopefully with the new year...I can finally heal.'


	21. Will be Loved

Hello! I wish to say, before we continue...HAPPY NEW YEAR! Well technically there's still a whole day left until 2014, but it's never too early to start celebrating right?! I'm super excited: a whole new year, filled with new starts, hopes and dreams! I can't wait for 2013 to be over, and I wish everyone a Happy New Year! We all deserve it, and I pray everyone looks forward to the new year full of endless possibilities and wonders! Wow, I sound like a child but hey it's always important to keep your childish side close! Thank you everyone for the support, too! Thank you so much and I'll see you all in 2014! Thank you, thank you, thank you! :) **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wish I did, because then I'd get to see them every day! That would be so cool! I hope I made this chapter as long as I wanted it to be! I tried to add an equal amount of Kames/Jagan interaction, hope I did that justice! Also, the song that inspired this chapter was 'She Will Be Loved' by Maroon 5. This song, apart from the others Adam and his team have written, I really love and if you read/listen to the lyrics, which I recommend doing while reading the dance scene of this chapter, I think it fits the Kames perfectly...:')**

* * *

"Kendy, Kendy wake up! Kendall Donald Knight, wake up!" Said dirty blonde groaned and rolled over, the bright lights of James' bedroom temporarily blinding him.

"Eh, Jay it's early!" He protested, blinking his deep bottle green eyes until the beautiful brunette was clear in view.

James pouted, it obvious he had just finished taking a shower; his hair was darker than normal and he had traded his pajamas for a plain green tank top and blue jeans. "Ken, it's nine in the morning. It is so not early." He retorted with an amused eye-roll. He was also sporting thick-rimmed glasses, the frame black and lenses tough as plastic.

James sometimes had vision problems, thanks to the black eye Shane had given him. Even though his eye had healed, his retina had still suffered quite a bit of damage, so Kelly ordered a pair of glasses for James to wear to help his vision clear up. His vision problems had been one of the other things Doctor Griffin was concerned about, so Kelly had a private eye doctor look James over and write down his prescription for eye glasses. They had arrived yesterday afternoon; after leaving the hospital, Kelly had stopped by the eye doctor's office to pick them up.

James at first had put up quite a fight at having to wear them, but he caved in after Logan and Kendall overwhelmed with double puppy-eyes. He probably thought he didn't look cute, but to Kendall he didn't look cute. He looked beautiful; cute was for a small puppy or newborn baby, but James was beautiful.

Beautiful, like his mother.

"Nine, are you serious? Jamie, that's super early!" Kendall said, sitting up only to blush when his nose nearly brushed with James'.

James backed up a little, face now red too, only to pout and roll his eyes again. "Well Auntie needs help getting the house all decorated for New Year's Eve, remember? Your mom and Katie are on their way, I just got off the phone with them."

"I thought you were already in 2014, you know because you're Jewish." Kendall said, running a hand through his messy hair.

"Yeah, according to the Jewish calendar I'm already in 2014, but not for Auntie's calendar. I don't mind celebrating the start of the new year twice." James replied with a simple shrug.

"Okay, okay I'm game. So, what's the plan?" Kendall asked as he rolled out of bed. James got to work on making the bed while Kendall dug through his bag for some clothes and clean underwear.

"Well once you're ready to go, we need to start on the list of chores Auntie assigned us: the first thing we have to do is hang up the decorations in and outside of the house, you know the gold stars and white ribbons. Second, you and me and Katie have to rearrange the furniture in the living room so Auntie and Mama Knight can set up a table for food, drinks, and the cake for our little get-together tonight. It will just be me, you, Katie, Logan, Auntie, Mama Knight, and Mama Mitchell so we should have enough food...I hope. In addition, Auntie insists we dance every New Year's Eve so we also have to leave enough room for a dance floor."

"Is that all?" Kendall asked, towel over one shoulder.

"Basically yeah, she and Mama Knight will handle the food and cake, Mama Mitchell and Loges the drinks. It's going to take us a while to hang up the decorations though, especially if we have to hang some up outside..." James said, finishing fluffing the pillows up and biting his lower lip.

Kendall frowned and wrapped his arms around the taller boy, pushing back his still wet hair from his face. "Hey Jay, Jay relax okay? It's a little of a scramble here, but we'll get this party up and running in no time I promise. Now, did you have breakfast yet?" The dirty blonde asked, James shaking his head.

"No."

"Then while I shower and get ready, have some breakfast and I'll meet you outside to start on the decorations, okay? Now go eat, you're suppose to get use to eating three times a day remember?" Kendall said, pressing a light kiss to James' cheek.

The pretty boy blushed a fiery pink again but sighed and smiled back at the shorter boy. "Okay, but don't take too long. Katie's good at scheming, but I'm pretty sure decorating isn't her thing." Kendall laughed at this and nodded, James giving him a quick hug before leaving the room.

'Wow, 2014 is just hours away! Well, time for a big time rush!'

**_-Page Break-_**

"James, be careful! We don't want you landing in the hospital again!" Katie shouted up the ladder, James rolling his soft hazel-green eyes.

"I got this, Kat! I'm not a total klutz!" He shouted back, doing one more double knot to keep the gold star from falling off the roof.

He and Katie were hanging up the stars and ribbons along the edges of the roof, Katie holding onto the ladder with everything she had while James dealt with the hard part: hanging up the decorations while avoiding falling off the ladder.

So far he's done pretty well; this was the last star, so now all that was left was to brighten up the inside of the house.

"Alright there, all done!"

"Awesome Jay, the front of the house looks great!" Katie exclaimed, taking in the front yard.

Piles of fresh snow covered the grass and front steps, with golden-white little lights flickering on and off everywhere. Gold stars and silver ribbons caught the weak rays of the sun over their heads, while the front door was wrapped like a present with shiny white-and-silver wallpaper.

James smiled, pleased with his handiwork. "Thanks, now we just need to get the in-WHOA!" James' footing failed, he slipping on the ladder.

"James!" The tween screamed, face white in terror now.

"I got him!" Katie gasped in a mix of relief and surprise when her big brother came bolting out the front door and caught James before he'd hit the ground, the sudden weight knocking him off his feet though and making them crash into the snow bank.

Snow flew through the air and both boys groaned from the fall, Katie leaving the ladder to help her brother and James up. "Wow, nice catch Big Brother! Are you okay, how about you Jay?" She asked, big brown eyes on them.

Kendall's blunt nose was scrunched up, eyes squeezed shut from the fall. He had landed on his butt, not in pain since it was snow but some had gotten into his jeans and melted, spiking him with a deep chill. He coughed a little and opened his eyes after a minute or two; his facial expression looked worried for a second, only for it to melt into relief when he saw James had landed, thank God unharmed, in his lap. The brunette's arms had latched tight around the shorter boy's neck, James' eyes wide as he looked at Kendall from behind his glasses.

"J-Jay, are you alright?!" Kendall asked, with Katie's help getting back on his feet. James was still bridal style in his arms though, the other boy seeming to to be stuck in shock.

"Jamie?" Suddenly James looked angry.

"Why the hell did you do that, Kendall?! You could have gotten hurt!" Kendall soon rolled his eyes at this, James climbing out of his arms.

"Well James, it was either that or let my best friend fall to a broken neck! I don't see why you're getting riled up about it."

"Because I hate it when people go out of their way for me, especially you." James whined, crossing his arms. Kendall soon smirked, Katie watching this with a look a soccer fan would have for their team's deciding victory match.

"Well isn't that what a Knight in shining armor does though, Jamie? Protect his Diamond Prince from harm?" James' face broke out in a fiery blush, playfully shoving Kendall.

"Oh shut it, Captain Eyebrows!"

"You like my eyebrows, though."

"Oh shut it, you...you!" James said, pretending to be upset as he stalked back inside. Kendall and Katie laughed at this.

"Ha, good to see he's going back to his old self now!"

"Yeah totally, Big Bro! So, you two are FINALLY going to kiss at midnight tonight or what?!" Katie asked, elbowing Kendall in the ribs. The dirty blonde's face went red as a tomato.

"Again Baby Sister, you have a WILD imagination!"

**_-Page Break-_**

"So where do you want these extra plates and napkins, Kelly?" Logan asked as he carried four bags in each hand, hands red from the strain on his fingers.

Kelly smiled and took three bags from him, Mama Knight juggling the cake to the table all set in the living room. "Set them up on the kitchen counter, dear. I'll takes these sodas to the table."

"Roger that." Logan said, careful as he unloaded the two bottles of champagne (for the adults, obviously) on the counter, James coming in with packs of forks and knives. He smiled shyly at the raven, who blushed a light pink.

"Hey Loges, already in your party outfit?" James asked, striking up conversation as he set down the forks and knives and went to the pantry to pull out three large pitchers for the sodas.

Logan's face went from pink to red in embarrassment, keeping his hands busy as he pulled out the seasoning for the party's turkey dinner and plates.

"Y-Yeah, Mom insisted." He choked out, looking down at his clothes.

Logan was wearing a dark purple button-up with a loose black tie and open gray vest, dark black skinny jeans hugging his toned legs. He had on a silver watch on his left wrist, and tall gray high tops.

"Well you look good, Loges. Mama Mitchell knows how to work fashion." James said with a sweet smile. That only made Logan blush more.

"T-Thanks, she'll be here around one so you know. She had to get a few errands done before the party so she dropped me off after our quick shopping stop, are you going to get all dressed up too, Jamie?"

"Yeah, once I finish helping Kendall and Katie make the living room into a dance floor. Umm you can help...if you want, and if Auntie isn't making you do anything else."

Sure James still felt a little awkward around Logan, but if they were to become friends again then he needed to suck it up and try. He's already admitted to himself that he still cared about the smart raven, so now he just had to take the rekindling of their friendship on step-by-step, slowly but surely.

Logan seem to brighten up at the offer. "S-sure, Jay! I'd love to!"

"Cool, come on!" Once James got a good grip on the pitchers with one arm, the other he wrapped around Logan's shoulder to tow him out of the kitchen.

Logan's face was red the whole time, that catching Mama Knight's attention as she finally put down the cake.

'I know Logan and James use to date and are trying to be friends again, but...but can he really still be in love with Jamie? And does my Kendall know about this?'

_**-Page Break-**_

"Ugh finally, we're done!" Katie exclaimed, she gulping down a glass of water.

All the furniture was nice and tidy against the wall, T.V. on for when the ball dropped in New York City. Gold and silver streamers hung from the ceiling along with the small stars and pretty ribbons. Logan, being the tech genius, managed to set up Kelly's very big (and really expensive!) speakers while Kendall picked out the CDs. The table was topped with food and drink, cake decorated with number candles while the delicious smell of turkey cooking away in the oven came from the kitchen.

The three had felt as if it only took them forty minutes, yet in reality it took them two whole hours. Already half of the day was gone; time sure flew by fast when you weren't paying attention.

"Yeah, it took a while but I say we did a pretty good job." Logan said, Kendall agreeing with a smile.

"Yeah, Jamie is going to love this."

"Now that you mention him, where is James?" Katie asked, raising an eyebrow.

Logan frowned. "I think he's in his room, changing for the party."

"I'll go see, he shouldn't be missing out on this awesome scene." Kendall said before the raven could volunteer himself. He pushed off the wall and disappeared into the hallway, oblivious to the jealous glare Logan was throwing at his back.

**_-Page Break-_**

"Jay, hey Jay are you getting ready?" Kendall asked as he knocked light on the brunette's door before pushing back said ajar door.

His face went red and his jaw dropped though at the sight that soon jumped before his eyes.

It was James, yet he looked...very beautiful, more than he did just a few minutes ago. He had changed out of his green tank top, jeans and jacket for a nice creme-colored button-up with a loose red tie around his neck, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and over a light pink round-collared shirt. His charm bracelet jingled around his wrist as he adjusted his glasses over his eyes. His blue skinny jeans were traded for a more dark washed pair, these seeming to hug James' legs and hips more, while his boots were gone and replaced by a pair of black Vans, ones that belonged to Kendall's. His hair was brushed so that it didn't spike up but fell sort of in his face like a surfer's shaggy do, with a bit of eyeliner on to bring out his lovely hazel-green eyes. He had obviously sprayed a little of the Cuda Man cologne his Auntie got him for Christmas, from the sweet cinnamon scent now on him.

'W-wow, he looks amazing...' Kendall though, James meeting his stare from the mirror and turning to him. A shy blush danced across the brunette's cheeks, eyes falling to stare down at his shoes.

"U-umm, hi Kendy. Do I look...do I look o-okay? I mean, not over the top o-or too simple?" James asked, rubbing his arm in embarrassment.

"J-Jay...wow, you look amazing! I mean, like a star!" Kendall couldn't find a better word to describe just how beautiful his best friend looked. Of course James always looked beautiful to him, wether he was dressed all fancy like he was now or in just a sweatshirt and old jeans, but clearly the brunette worked a little harder this time around to make such an impression.

Which meant...he was slowly getting his self-confidence back; he was starting to feel comfortable with his body and not get self-conscious about the now barely noticeable bruises and scars along his arms, legs, and back.

James raised his head, eyes wide in surprise and face a bright red. "R-really, you think I look nice? I mean, even with...even with the s-scars?" He choked out, tears shining in his eyes.

Kendall sighed and crossed the room over to James in three long strides, reaching out to gently cup the brunette's face. "Jay, you know me well by now. I don't lie, especially when it's about you. You looking amazing, James, so fucking beautiful that even Shakira or Lady Gaga would be green with envy. You look amazing and as for the scars...they are part of you, and they are battle scars. They are scars from surviving Hell, I don't think you should try so hard to hide them. You feel like they're ugly and that they make you ugly too, but they don't and you aren't. You are amazing; you are an angel and my best friend, the strongest person I know. You are beautiful, with or without the scars, and you just need to see it little by little. So yes, I do think you look nice even with the scars, James..." He whispered, wiping away the stray tears that have worked down the brunette's cheeks.

James sniffed but managed a small smile back, pressing his forehead lightly against Kendall's. "You always know how to make me feel better, don't you Ken?" He asked. Kendall shrugged, yet he was smiling too.

"If I can do it every time you're upset, then that means I'm doing my role as your best friend right. I just want you to see yourself as you are, Jay."

"As a gross, sick and ugly thing?"

"No, no, no. You're not gross, sick, ugly and definitely not a 'thing'. You are...you want to know what I see you as, and the true you, James?" The brunette didn't verbally say it, but his eyes exposed his answer clear as day. Kendall took a deep breath before answering, closing his eyes as he gently brushed his nose against James'.

"I think...that you're a very sweet, smart, caring and beautiful person, the most amazing person I've ever met. I see you as very beautiful and amazing, really special and just hard to describe in better words. You're amazing, James, and I just wish...I just wish you could see what I see." Kendall said, opening his eyes again before taking a step backwards.

"Well, we have about three hours left until midnight, right? I better make myself look decent for the party, save me a dance?" Kendall asked, face flushed.

James hid his smile behind his right hand, cheeks bright red as he couldn't say anything but nod. Kendall pressed a quick kiss to James' forehead as he grabbed the clothes and shoes he was going to change into, shooting a friendly wink James' way.

"Okay, I'll see you in a bit. For the meantime, Loges and Katie are waiting for you; Mama Mitchell just arrived." And with that the dirty blonde left, giving James a few minutes to breathe and calm down his racing (he didn't know why though) heart alone.

'I swear Ken has the ability to make feel me so safe...yet so vulnerable, at the s-same time...' Was his train of thought before his cell-phone, one Auntie got him two days ago since his old one got lost, broke it with its vibrating in his right jeans pocket.

"Strange, who could that be?" He said out loud, the phone's screen glowing as he checked the caller I.D.

'Out of country call? Wait...' James swiped the screen to answer it, before holding his phone up to his left ear.

"Hello? D-Dad...?"

**_-Page Break-_**

"James, Jamie you busy? Come on, the party is picking up tempo, you okay?" Logan asked, knocking lightly on James' bedroom door.

No response. That was unlike James, so unlike him.

So Logan knocked again, pressing his ear to the door this time.

He heard low shouting, followed by...crying.

James was crying.

"James, J-James what's wrong?! Open up, please what's wrong!" Logan begged, soon banging on the door.

Still no response, until a few minutes later; James' bedroom door flew backwards to reveal a puffy, teary-eyed James.

He looked terrible; his hair was messy, probably from having run his fingers through it, he was trembling violently and he looked paler as if a ghost had spooked him.

"J-Jamie, what's wrong?" But the brunette didn't ask; he just shook his head and began running, running to the door that led to the backyard.

"James, J-James wait!"

**_-Page Break-_**

Kendall looked himself over in the bathroom mirror one more time, hoping he managed to make himself look good.

The blonde had decided to ditch a hat or beanie for tonight, gelling up his hair a little to create gravity-defying spikes. He was now wearing a black V-neck over a white long-sleeve, a dog tag necklace around his neck with a black zip-hoodie over it all. He had on a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a pair of dark blue Vans. He had his usual bracelets on and his shirt was slightly tucked in to show off the peace sign buckle of his black belt. He had splashed on his usual cologne and brushed his teeth twice, he also had his skull earrings in too.

"Well, I think I look good. Like Jay says, 'Haters are going to hate'. I just can't wait for our dance, though." Kendall said, smiling at the thought of the other boy.

He made a promise he was going to make this night special, unforgettable for the brunette and he was going to make that happen.

After wiping down the sink and checking his teeth, Kendall left the bathroom.

Only to smack right into a haggard-looking Logan.

"Ouch, Logan what's wrong?"

"J-James..." That caught the blonde's attention immediately.

"What about James, bro? W-where is he?"

"Went outside...t-to the backyard." Logan stumbled over his words, visibly shaking. Kendall grabbed him by the shoulders, deep bottle green eyes worried beyond belief now.

"Why do he go to the backyard, Loges? Come on, give me some info here!"

"H-his dad, they were arguing over the phone and...a-and..." Kendall got all he needed to know from that; in a flash he was sprinting for the door to the backyard, leaving a trembling Logan behind.

**_-Page Break-_**

James was sitting on one of the chairs in the backyard, at a small circular table with an umbrella attached to it. His bangs were over his wet, puffy hazel-green eyes, shoulders hunched and body trembling from the cold.

He totally forgot his jacket inside.

'Oh f-fuck it.' He thought in a mixture of anger and sadness, unable to hold back the soft coughs and sniffles that left him as he continued to sob into his thin, large hands.

He didn't hear the door behind him slide open and closed. He didn't feel the slowly approaching footsteps. He did, however, feel when someone wrapped a black zip-up jacket around his shoulders, followed by another chair squeaking a little as that someone sat down next to him.

James wiped his eyes and gripped the jacket to his body, looking up behind his dropping bangs to meet Kendall's concerned bottle green eyes.

"What happened? And don't say 'Nothing, Ken' because I know you, Jamie." Kendall whispered, his chair scooted close to James'.

Said brunette bit his lower lip before sighing a few minutes later, eyes locked with the dirty blonde's. "M-my dad called..."

Kendall visibly stiffened but forced his body to relax, taking in a deep breath. "And what did you two talk about?"

A cough, a choke on breath before James finally found his voice again. "H-he said...that he will be here for trial and t-that he'll support Shane. He'll support Shane because it was m-my fault he raped me...because I'm pansexual." He began, expression broken.

Kendall looked shocked, and disgusted. "W-what the hell?! How is you being pan connected with Shane raping you? That doesn't make any sense, your sexuality has nothing to do with ANYTHING you two were talking about! That's just a lame-ass excuse, Jamie!" He exclaimed, outraged but James wasn't finished.

"T-that's why my dad only likes heterosexuals, Kenny. To him, I'm a freak; I'm a f-fag, a male slut, a man-whore, every insult in the damn book! He hates me because I'm not 'normal' and he...h-he said that I made Shane do it! That because I'm different, I-I like to experiment and wanted to drag S-Shay into my world of AIDS and prostitution! He called me a p-prostitute, Kendall! He's homophobic, bi-phobic, everything not 'straight' he hates! He h-hates me, said he'll have Shane's defense eat me alive in court, a-and that I'm destined to go to Hell for what I am! He's planning to d-disown me when he and Connie are back, he only wants S-Shay as his son...!" James lost it there; he pulled at his hair, Kendall pulling him close despite the weird angle of their bodies.

"That fucking bastard, don't you dare listen to him, Jamie! He's just a narrow-minded prick who thinks that just because someone is different that they deserve to go to Hell; 'you are sick', please he's the only sicko I can see if he thinks you ASKED to be raped! No one asks for that, and you didn't damn deserve it either! No one deserves that, not even the worst person on the planet!"

"B-but maybe he's right..." Kendall looked at the brunette as if he just grew two heads, before his eyes flashed dangerously.

"Don't. Ever. Fucking. Say. That. Again. James." He retorted, but James shook his head.

"If only I t-tried harder, to fight back...!" Kendall pressed a hand to James' lips, expression gentle but at the same time fierce.

"James Dylan Diamond, you listen to me. Your dad is wrong, about everything! You're NOT a prostitute. From what I know, prostitute have sex for money right? Do you do that? Fuck no, so you're not a prostitute! You're my sweet, lovable Jamie; your name and that word...they don't go together! They don't go together period, end of story! Second, what the hell does your dad know about you?! Nothing, Jamie, he knows NOTHING about you if he thinks you're a prostitute. Not a damn thing about you he knows, not like me! I know you, James and you are not a male slut! You are not a male slut and you are not a man-whore either, and fag...that's just a really mean name to call anyone in general! And so what the fuck, does it matter if you're pan? That doesn't make you any less human than a straight guy! I'm bi, but I'm fucking proud of it and like you told me once, 'Haters are going to hate'! That's all your dad is good for, hating on everything and everybody! Now I can see why Brooke divorced his good-for-nothing-but-hate ass, he's not worth her time nor your tears! And If he wants just Shane as his son, let him because it's his loss not yours! You are amazing, and beautiful and smart and you're not a rapist! If he wants that in a son then let him have it and see how far that will take him, because the only place he'll go is rock bottom! If he really disowns you, you still have your mom and Kelly! And if he says he'll have the jury eat you alive in court...well he'll have to go through me first! He's damn wrong if he thinks you're going in there alone; I'm not letting anyone hurt you, James, not even your own dad. If he wants to hurt you, he'll have to do it over my dead body because that's the only way he'll do it: if I'm dead." Kendall said this all in one breath, James looking down with fresh tears streaming down his cheeks.

"K-Kendall...I'm scared." The brunette whispered, a chill falling over him.

Kendall pulled James more into him, the taller boy's face meeting his chest while he hugged him tight by the lower waist. James was completely out of his seat now, more or less in the blonde's lap.

"Oh Jamie, it's okay to be scared. I know you are; that doesn't mean we give up, though. I know your heart has been broken over and over, so many times and you didn't deserve them one bit. I know you're scared of facing Shane again, trust me it took a lot to not bust his face in the day he was arrested. I wanted to...k-kill him for what he did to you! What he did was wrong but don't ever blame yourself. Don't say that if you'd been stronger and fought back more...please don't. You fought, you fought and survived FOUR years of that. You're way stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you...still loved him. It doesn't make you sick or wrong, even with everything he did he was still your brother. He hurt you, and it was now time for him to pay for all the pain he's caused you. J-Jamie I know what it's like to feel vulnerable; my dad didn't beat me or Katie, but he did that to my mom and verbally abused us. I was confused, I was hurt; all I thought was, 'What did I do wrong?' or 'Maybe he'll stop, he'll change'. I blamed myself when in fact I. Did. Nothing. Wrong. I know you're scared, but that doesn't mean it's the end, Jamie.

"But I-I've made you give up most of your time for me, because I'm scared." At this Kendall chuckled softly, pulling away and wiping James' tears.

"S-so what, James? You're saying it as if I REGRET being with you every day! I don't, Jamie, I don't! I don't mind spending every day with you, every night with you! I care about you, so much you can't even imagine how much but I do! I don't mind being here with you all the time; I l-love it actually, I love it when we're together! I love seeing you smile, it's not the same smile I met you with, all sad and broken! I love hearing you laugh, it doesn't sound fake anymore! I love hanging out with you, I love every minute we spend together! And I wouldn't change a thing about our relationship, our friendship James! I wouldn't change a single, damn thing because I love being your best friend! I-I love being around you, everything about you I-I really care about! So don't think you're taking anything away from me, because I love my time with you!

James stared at Kendall with watery, wide hazel-green eyes. "Y-you do?" Kendall smiled and cupped James' face, his beautiful face.

"I do, Jamie. I do, and if your dad thinks you're not loved just the way you are...then he has no idea how many people love you; he's blind as a bat." Kendall replied, getting a teary-eyed smile from James.

The brunette said nothing but threw his arms around Kendall's neck in a tight, warm hug, snuggling into him. Kendall ignored his fiery blush and hugged James back; shouts of a countdown filled the air, a song playing from the speakers outside while...snow began to fall lightly like confetti. The two broke apart to stare in awe at the snow, laughing amongst themselves.

"The last snowfall of 2013..." James whispered, Kendall now smirking as he held out a hand.

"True, and I believe we have a dance to get to."

"O-out here, in the snow?"

"I know how much you like playing in the snow, so yeah. My Ice Prince, will you honor this lowly knight with a dance?" Kendall asked. James flushed a bright red, not from the cold, but let put a manly giggle and pulled on the blonde's sweater fully before taking his hand.

"I suppose this Ice Prince can, as long as we slow dance of course." James answered with a playful tone, he and Kendall getting to their feet and in position.

"Of course, there is no way I'd risk my Prince's newly healed leg! We'll take it slow, and count down to 2014 together." Kendall said was they clasped hands; his free hand went to James' waist, while the brunette's other hand went to his strong shoulder.

"Okay." James said, and both smiled at each other as they swayed to the music. There was only minutes left before the new year.

"Ten." Kendall said.

"Nine." James said.

"Eight."

"Seven."

"Six."

"Five."

"Four."

"Three."

"Two."

"ONE!" They said this together.

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" They heard that throughout the whole neighborhood, whole town while fireworks lit up the sky. The two looked away from each other to see the shots of blue, white, gold, and pink color the dark night sky, smiling as they closed their eyes and made their New Year's Eve wish.

'I can't believe it...a new year, different from the last four.' James thought.

'A new year...I have a feeling this one will be different from the others.' Kendall thought.

It didn't take them long to lock eyes again, though their blushes returned when they noticed their faces were close in proximity. They ignored it though and smiled at each other again.

"Happy New Year, James." Kendall whispered.

"Happy New Year, Kendall." James whispered back, closing his eyes before resting his head on Kendall's hand-free shoulder.

Kendall closed his eyes too, resting his head against James', as they continued to softly sway to the song.

And they continued to dance, even when the song was over.


	22. Halo Pt 1

Yolo! What up, people?! How is everyone doing, great I hope! It's finally 2014, oh yeah! Which means this is the first chapter of 'Love the Way You Lie' of the new year! Wow, thank you everyone! I never thought this story would make it to 2014; not that I'd lose interest in it, but wow this a major achievement in my book! Thank, thank, thank you everyone! :') Well, onward to this new chapter! This chapter will have two parts, though they will not be side-by-side! Please enjoy, and thank you to all for the support! In this two-part chapter, James starts reflecting on his relationship with Kendall, could he be finally falling in love with him?! Who knows, only time will tell! ;) I think the song I chose to inspire me for this two-part chapter worked a lot, and relates really well to their relationship! Now, enjoy my sweet and beautiful readers! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! If I did...wow, I'd have a heart attack and die with a smile on my face! ^_^ Sorry if this chapter was short, but I think it managed to convey James' mixed feelings through his thoughts alone and the small interaction between him and Kendall.**

* * *

James' soft hazel-green eyes fluttered open as a large ray of pale sunshine fell over his face, said eyes behind his thick, whole-rimmed glasses seeing nothing but a semi-clear sky and the tall, tops of snow-covered trees.

He felt a small chill in the air, but didn't shiver. He was laying on something hard; something firm and warm, and he felt a chest rising and falling from breath under his left cheek.

"Hmm?" He managed from his throat before he rubbed the sand out of his eyes and looked around himself.

He was outside, in his and Auntie's forest of a backyard. The small pond was frozen over, all the flowers and grass hidden under a blanket of snow. Snow was all around him too, the sun shining weakly above his head.

The beautiful brunette pushed off the firm, warm something with one arm to slowly raise himself to his knees; a bright red blush, not from the cold, touched his dark cheeks though when he saw what, better to say who, he had fallen asleep on.

'Kendall...' Said boy was still fast asleep, his wild dirty blonde hair slightly shrouding his face. He had stretched out his jacket (after James had taken it off), to serve as a blanket for them to lay on while his warm, thin body had been James' pillow for the night. One of James' knees fell between Kendall's long legs, which were stretched under him. One arm was still loosely around the brunette's waist, the other under his head like a pillow.

James' couldn't believe it: they had actually spend the night outside, comfy and cozy in the snow and against each other.

'Well, this is one weird way to wake up in the new year.' James thought, yet his softened and he smiled as he looked down at Kendall.

The blonde so peaceful and...beautiful asleep. His hair glowed a dull bronze in the sun, the rays making his skin take on the color of vanilla instead of pale peach. His guard was let down, totally at ease with his brunette partner, and his lips seemed a darker pink.

James realized at that moment that he's never seen Kendall asleep before, even when the blonde has slept over for like weeks now. This was something new to the brunette, and he liked it. Kendall was always telling him how beautiful he was but to James, to James Kendall was the beautiful one; handsome, strong, smart and extremely caring.

James reached out with hand to brush Kendall's messy hair out of his face, the other still on his chest.

'What is it about you that...makes me feel safe? I mean I thought I'd feel this way at seeing Logan again, at being around him again but it's not like that. I just...ugh, it's hard to explain it! When I look at you, Ken, I don't know I just get this warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It's different, what happens to me inside when I see you...and Logan.

James felt a tear roll down his face, sighing.

'I-I wish I can hate Logan sometimes, because of what happened between us. I love him still, but I don't think I want to wait around to forgive him. I wish I didn't love him, I wish I didn't want to be with him, him in my life. I don't want to love him, as a friend, nothing of the sort. When I look at him, well Logan was my world back then; I didn't want to go a whole day without him, heck not even an hour! I g-gave him my heart, I even use to dream about marrying him after college. I would think about him every time we were apart, and...confession time, I even dedicated a whole poetry journal to him. I'd write page after page of poems about him, sometimes using five whole pages on just his eyes alone. I didn't want a broken heart anymore, after my dad broke it. He broke it by hurting Mom, and not accepting who I am. After that, I just wanted to trust someone to not hurt m-me.

'But then when Shane started...h-hurting me, Logan walked away. After he promised to stay, to always try to make things better for me. Kendall...after Logan, I couldn't open my heart again; it was abused too much, I didn't want to put it through Hell again. And stupid me because...after our break-up, I kept hoping Logan would come back. All I wanted was him back; I thought that if I had him back, I'd still know how to care about someone. And I know p-part of me...still holds him close, but I think that y-you have a bigger part of my heart. Of my broken, smashed to pieces, bleeding heart, I think you hold a much bigger place in it. When I look at Logan, I feel both pain and joy but...but with you, I-I just feel happy.

James pressed his forehead against Kendall's, barely brushing skin.

'Logan is the only person I wish I can forget, apart from Shane. But that's impossible, because I'll love them until I die. Shane because he is and always will be my brother, and Logan because he was and always will be my first love. They say you can never forget your first love; it marks you, you remember the good and bad times as if it only happened yesterday. To be honest...I at first wanted Logan to be there for me. I didn't know you; I just wanted some foundation, feel that I'm safe. In the end though...I felt safer with you.

James took a silent but deep breath, said breath puffing up against Kendall's lips.

'You somehow broke down all my walls; I had put up walls to protect myself, to protect my heart and yet somehow...you managed to bring them down. A-and I don't even think those walls tried to stay standing, they just fell apart. I've started noticing in that in my nightmares...before Shane can try to hurt me, you always come; you always come and stop him before he lays a finger on me. And whenever I remember the things he said to me, I just think of y-you and his voice goes away. I don't try to shut you out and frankly I-I don't want to, Kendall. Something about you, you've made my mask fall. E-everyone has a dark side, and I've seen mine; it's not pretty, in fact it scares even me sometimes and it's a damn part of me! Ha, I'm scared of myself sometimes! I'm afraid I'll cut again, I'm afraid I'll abuse my medication like I did when I was with Shane, while he r-raped me. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but somehow I managed to let you in. You broke all the rules I had set up, and t-this is a risk for me: to trust someone with my heart again. I-I don't know what I'm feeling for you, I don't have a damn clue and that frustrates me a lot but, but I hope you stay. That you stay with me, f-forever...

James continued caressing Kendall's cheek (the blonde was a heavy sleeper some days!) as a few more tears slipped free from his eyes, yet there was small, soft smile on his lips.

'I hope you stay, Kendall. I stay you stay with me forever, b-because you've brightened up my days. I've felt like I have been falling for so long, falling into a black hole just waiting to hit the ground and d-die. But now I feel like I'm learning how to fly again, that I'm not a bird with a b-broken wing. You're an angel, Kendall, y-you saved me from myself. Some walls are still falling, and I'm waking up. I don't want to cry anymore; I don't want to be scared anymore; I just want to heal, I want to...l-love life again. And I think...you can teach me to love again, love life a-again! When I look at you, I-I just see a better future for me, I feel like you can save me over and over, even when I'm sinking to r-rock bottom. So I hope...I don't do something to lose you; I don't k-know what I feel about you, hate or affection, I don't know how to react to things like this anymore but...but I pray this feeling doesn't go away.'

Clutching the front of his shirt, right over his heart and taking a deep breath again, James closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to the corner of Kendall's mouth, barely making any contact with the other boy's skin. He squeezed his eyes shut and gripped at Kendall's shirt with his free hand, feeling that weird yet familiar warm, fuzzy feeling again.

'I...I-I don't know what I'm doing, but I hope you never leave me, Kendall.' James slowly pulled away, just in time to see Kendall's deep bottle green eyes flutter open.

James froze but soon pulled away and sat up on his knees, arms wrapped around himself as more tears worked down his thin cheeks. Kendall sat up just as James started shivering, heart pounding in his chest though he had no idea why.

"I-I start therapy today..." James whispered, body beginning to tremble even more.

Kendall soon had his arms tight around James in a warm embrace, the brunette slumped against him as the blonde pressed a kiss to his closed, right eye. "And we'll face it together, I promise."

James just nodded and snuggled into Kendall's chest, hands gripping the tops of his shoulders.

'God, I know I already ask of you to help my mom come back, but please...p-please don't take Kendall away from me either. Let him stay with me, please.'


	23. Open Wounds

Hi! I won't say much since this chapter is...a bit tense, but thank you to everyone who reviewed and told me what they thought and liked! I totally appreciate it, again thank you! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! If I did, I'd kiss them each on the cheek right now and wish them again a very Happy New Year! :D**

* * *

"So what did Shane do to you, James? Was there a specific way he did things, please tell me as much as you can and take your time." Lucy Stone said, glasses over her dark brown eyes while her long, red-streaked black hair was tied up in a messy bun.

Kendall held James' hand as the brunette struggled to keep his composure, soft hazel-green eyes turning a pale gold as the sad, haunting memories started coming back to him.

After leaving the backyard and showering and getting dressed, Kelly drove James and Kendall to the hospital for the first day of James' counseling for sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Kelly and Logan were waiting in the cafeteria two floors below the small, private room Mrs. Stone (she was Nurse Camille's wife of five years) was to occupy for the next four months as her office. With Doctor Griffin's permission Kendall was allowed to attend the session with James, and the others that followed. Each session would last for an hour, from eight to nine in the morning. James was to attend counseling for the next four months, meaning he could choose to discontinue the counseling mid April. That is, if Kelly thought he has recovered by then.

The good news was that Mr. X and Buddha Bob weren't in due to their flights to Minnesota being canceled and rescheduled for a day or two later. The bad news was there was still forty-five minutes left in the session.

And they were just getting to the more sensitive, uncomfortable details.

James swallowed hard, taking in a shaky breath before finally finding his voice again. "S-Shane never had a w-way of doing things, but he always tried a new way of...'foreplay' when he wanted to rape me. H-he made me kiss him, he'd tie m-me up to a chair and put a gag in my mouth so I wouldn't scream. O-one time he even...lit a candle and dripped the wax over my chest and scalp. A-and he'd..."

"It's okay dear, you don't have tell me everything today. When he'd sexually assault you, would he physically harm you?"

"Y-yes. If I screamed t-too loud, he'd kiss me and then bite my lips so hard I, I would bleed. If I kept begging him to stop...he'd just s-slap me and call me a whore and say I-I deserved it."

"Why did he say that, James?" Lucy asked, expression pained.

'This boy, it's obvious he's been through Hell and back.' She thought, feeling terrible on having to make him remember the shit he's just escaped from a month ago but if she was going to be able to help him to the fullest, she'd have to know the whole story.

"H-he said I deserved it...because at a party, before our freshmen year, he was g-ganged raped by three guys who were looking for me. I was the one they wanted to screw over; they found Shane instead though and...raped him one-by-one. After that, h-he acted strange and then one night when Connie and Dad out at a business dinner...he raped me in my own bed." Tears were streaming down James' cheeks at this point, Kendall soon pulling the other boy into his lap before stroking his still wet chocolate hair in a soothing fashion.

"Jay, you're doing great. Just keeping talking, say as much as you can and this will be over before you know it okay? Shhh, it's okay Jamie. It's okay." Kendall whispered in his ear, James taking one of his hands over his lap and giving it a gentle squeeze in thanks.

'If Ken wasn't here, I would have lost it by now...' The brunette thought with a mental flinch.

"James, did Shane ever threaten you? Told you he would do something if you didn't keep quiet about the abuse?" Lucy asked, scribbling away at her clipboard, tone soft and tender as if she was talking to a small child. James nodded from Kendall's chest, body shaking.

"He said no one would believe m-me, that I'd be called a sicko for saying my brother was raping me; that would mean incest, and incest...is a crime. H-he'd blame me for everything...and then he'd have the police take me away." James managed between a cough.

"Did you cut to deal with the pain, or developed substance or alcohol abuse?"

"Y-yes, I would take sleeping pills...to b-block out the rapes. I didn't want to feel them, to remember them so I stole the pills from the medicine cabinet in Connie and Dad's bathroom. I'd take about...two or three, depending h-how they lasted. And I-I did cut. I would be alone some weekends, during the day so I'd take...one of the same steak knives Connie had in the kitchen and just cut; I'd cut at my knees until there was no more space so I'd move on to my arms, and my b-back and so on. I just needed a way out, to let out all the pain and the pills...they'd blur everything for me but I'd still hear his voice in my ear, how he'd l-laugh. I-I never drunk alcohol, even with the large stash Dad had in the basement."

"Did you ever think about committing suicide, or tried to on occasion?" Kendall wished he could take the pain James was feeling away, feeling his own eyes water when the brunette choked back a yell.

"Y-yes...I wanted to die! He took my virginity, he raped me every day and night for four years! He'd punch me, kick me, throw me down t-the stairs, even came at me with a knife and cigarette butts. He'd call me names, scream at me, say I was getting what I d-deserved and that everything was my fault! He even said that M-Mom would hate me, just like Dad. O-one night...after Shane did what he did, I-I grabbed Dad's gun, a small revolver, from the safe under his bed. At first I thought about k-killing Shane; if I did that, everything would stop. He would leave me alone, I-I'd be free. But then I didn't want to! He was still my brother, I couldn't kill him! I couldn't kill him, I couldn't kill him so I...I stuck the gun in my mouth; I went outside, it was r-raining, and I closed my eyes to pull the trigger. I was shaking, I was cold but my finger didn't slip and I pulled the t-trigger...only to find it was empty. I was only fourteen, I didn't know how to work a gun so I-I had no idea Dad haven't left any bullets in it. When I didn't feel any pain I started crying, I wanted to die so badly...I-I just wanted everything to end." James said, eyes puffy and red and wet.

"How did you manage to hide this for four years?"

James sniffed, Kendall pressing a short but comforting kiss to the brunette's forehead.

"S-Shane isolated me. I couldn't have friends; he had my phone bugged and traceable, you know in case he suspected I was seeing someone. He making me keep secrets and lie 24/7 made me lose my boyfriend Logan, who was the only person I had a-at the time. I was only allowed to leave the house with him, I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone at school. He kept saying over and over to me that we were in a r-relationship; I was suppose to stay faithful or he'd p-p-punish me. I was his slave; he did anything and everything he wanted to me, sometimes he'd lock me away in the attic and not let me out for days. I got so use to not eating that I started to lose weight, so much weight that I got sick easily almost every month. Shane w-wouldn't give me medicine or take me to the hospital; he didn't want to run the risk of anyone from school seeing us, asking us what's wrong. My teachers noticed I was off and tried to get me to talk to the counselor and even the social worker but...b-but I didn't budge. I knew he was watching me throughout the day, I-I wasn't really alone or safe so I kept my mouth shut." James explained, his sweats not keeping off the chill rattling his bones; Kendall tightened his hold on him.

Lucy wrote down everything James has told her so far, taking a deep breath before giving the two boys a small smile. "Just a few more questions, James. I'll let you go early today, I'm not to put you on the spot about this for much longer, I promise."

James nodded but gripped tightly Kendall's shirt, as if afraid he would suddenly disappear into thin air.

"It's okay Jamie, it's okay. Just a little bit longer..."

**_-Page Break-_**

As she promised, Mrs. Stone let James and Kendall leave with ten minutes left in the session, the dirty blonde hugging the brunette close to him after the brunette washed his face in the men's restroom.

"Jamie, you did great today. It was hard but y-you did it, you did it Ice Prince." Kendall whispered to him, pulling away to smile and kiss the brunette's cheek.

James snuck his dull nails into Kendall's shirt more, forehead brushing against the blonde's. "I would have ran out i-if you hadn't been there, Kendy. I hated it, remembering everything! Oh my God, how I am suppose to do that every day for the next four months!?" He asked, whole body shaking.

Kendall pulled James into him more, deep bottle green eyes staring into tearful hazel-gold ones. "We are going to this, us together. James it's going to be okay, I promise. I promise, every session we will do together and I'll do everything to help you. I promise, the hard will be over step-by-step."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"Please shut up and hug me, hug me really tight because these open wounds are b-bleeding." James said, pushing himself up on a sink and wrapping his arms around the shorter boy's neck.

Kendall did as he was told and hugged James, hugged him with everything he had while holding back the weak tears in his eyes.

James closed his eyes and sobbed into Kendall's string shoulder, composure finally broken.

'Oh Shay, even now you can still hurt me...'


	24. Halo Pt 2

Hello, world. I have something to do later today so I can't really say much but thank you, thank you so much to winterschild11 for reviewing the last chapter. I was...struggling to write that and didn't want to give too much detailed details, so to speak, so yeah thank you for enjoying that chapter. Now, for the last part to the 'Halo' chapter. Hope you enjoy it, dear reader, because it is for you. :) Thank you again. **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I just own this AU, but I wish I can meet in them person, does that count? I mean it's a dream, but I own it right? ;) This was extremely short, and I'm sorry. I have to get that something done, since it's for school. I go back in a week, so wish me luck!**

* * *

"James, what are you doing?" Kendall asked, entering the kitchen to see James with a spatula in one hand and a plate in the other.

Ever since he got his cast off, James insisted on going back to being independent. That meant he downright refused anyone's help for the most simplest of tasks, like getting a glass of water or getting something for Kelly in the garage. He felt like he's been waited on hand and foot for too long, so once the cast was off the pretty boy hardly ever stopped moving.

Said brunette turned to Kendall with a shy, apologetic smile, setting down the plate on the kitchen counter. On the plate was a freshly made omelet, stuffed with turkey bacon, spinach and nicely diced fruit. Also on the counter was a plate of hand-squeezed orange juice, followed by a fork and nicely folded napkin.

Kendall looked at the omelet with confused eyes. Sure the two had skipped breakfast to go to counseling, but James usually ate his omelets with carrots and kiwis, not pineapples and spinach.

Kendall liked his omelets with pineapples and spinach...

"I was really mean to you back there, you know after counseling...you were just trying to cheer me up but I took it the wrong way and I-I'm sorry. You didn't have any breakfast and it's still early, so..." James began saying, pushing the plate towards the dirty blonde with a blush to his cheeks. Kendall's deep bottle green eyes went wide at this, his face going red too.

"O-oh, James you didn't have to! You were upset, I shouldn't have come on too strong!" Kendall protested but the pretty boy shook his head, walking over (once he turned off the stove, of course!) to Kendall and taking his hand before sitting him down at the counter.

"No, I was being a jerk. I'm lucky to have you, Kendall; you're my best friend in the whole world and I was being a bad friend. A good friend doesn't snap at his friend for helping him with a problem I can't handle too well on my own. So eat, please. We left here in a hurry and you didn't have breakfast, so eat." James insisted gently, taking the fork and cutting off a piece. He held it up to Kendall's pale lips, blushing again when he realized he was about to start feeding the other.

Kendall looked torn but at seeing the stern expression on the older boy's face he sighed and opened his mouth, chewing the delicious meal with a dreamy look to his eyes. He soon took the fork from James though and cut off another piece, this time holding it up to James' lips. "I'll only eat this awesome omelet if you will eat it too, you didn't have breakfast either. You have to keep up with your meals, so I'll eat if you eat too." He retorted, giving James a wink.

James rolled his eyes. He saw this coming; Kendall always managed to put him first before himself, even over an omelet. Nonetheless, James opened his mouth and ate, chewing slowly before swallowing.

The two switched, one took a bite then the other. The omelet was fairly big, James having thought of the appetite the dirty blonde had, so they were able to talk between bites and sips of orange juice (sharing the same glass as well as fork).

"Still, I'm really proud of you, Jamie." Kendall said. James swallowed, shooting Kendall a soft, lopsided smile.

"R-really?"

"Yeah, of course. What you did back there...it took guts. Not many people find the strength to talk about such an experience, and even don't charge their rapists for what they did. You standing up to Shane and taking charge of your life, that proves just how strong you are. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, James; you have control over your life, not Shane..." Kendall said, reaching out with his free hand to take the pretty boy's hand over the counter.

"I was being serious back there though, Kendall. If you had not been there...I-I would have ran out, bad for me I didn't care I would have ran. I can't talk about Shane without flinching, even thinking of him gets me terrified and having to relive the memories for the sake of getting better was...was h-hard. But I'm glad you were with me there, I needed to feel like I was protected still. I had my guard down there, reliving the memories; you made me feel secure though, like S-Shane can't touch me again."

"He can't, James. He can't and won't be able to ever again; long as I'm around and you want me here, James, I'll keep him far away from you. I promise." Kendall said, pressing a kiss to James' knuckles.

James sighed and leaned into the other's frame, Kendall wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. "I know, Kendall." Was all he said in response.

'I know he isn't lying to me. He's never had so far...'

"Hey Kendy, can we do something?"

"As long as we don't leave the house, sure. No offense, but you're like the road runner." Kendall teased with a smile. He got a blush and smack to the shoulder for that, James smiling back though.

"No silly, I was wondering if we could watch a movie. You know, Katie got me the Spider-Man trilogy and I haven't been able to see them so..." James began, trailing off when he saw the other's eyes glow.

"You had me at the Webhead's name, sweetie! Let's go, I'll make the popcorn while you get comfy on the couch!"

**_-Page Break-_**

It didn't take too long for the two boys to pop in the movies, get the popcorn ready and for them to get all comfy and cozy on the living room couch. They got through the first movie and half of the second movie, but by the time the third one started playing the two boys were fast asleep.

If a random stranger had walked in and had their eyes fall on them, they would have thought the two were a couple.

Who wouldn't? Kendall was on his back, one arm behind his head while the other around James' waist. Said brunette was curled up to the other's chest, the blanket around him all nice and tucked in. The T.V. was blaring in the background, amazing the two could sleep through Venom trying to kill Peter Parker, and the popcorn bowl was half full on the coffee table.

If said random stranger looked at the two boys and the way the room was set up, he/she would think this was a little date of sorts.

"I wonder just how long it will take these two dolts to get together. Oh well, for the mean time...blackmail!" Katie said from the kitchen doorway, camera phone clicking away as she took picture after picture.

Her mom had asked her to stop by to check on James while Kelly was out. She had a feeling Kendall was with him but still sent Katie in just to make sure; Jen has grown rather fond of the brunette since the day she met him.

'Thanks Mom, you just got me a lot of future favors from Kendall!' Katie thought with a grin, putting her phone away.

Just wait until they wake up, she'll tease her Big Brother all about it.

'Still, it would be nice to see my brother happy by them actually getting together. Hmm, he and Logan have acted weird around each other lately, I wonder what's up with that. Well, I think I should snoop around and find out, starting with Logan himself. His house isn't far from here...'

And with that, Katie had a new mission as she quietly snuck out of the house and started for the street.

She had a mission: find out more about the sudden 'rivalry' between Kendall and Logan concerning James that her mom was suspecting, and what Katie is starting to believe is actually real.


	25. Heartbreaker: Give Your Heart a Break

Hey! Again, sorry for the short chapter I recently put up. I had some spring semester college things to make sure were in place, but now I'm all good! Thank you, winterschild11 for reviewing last chapter! I really hope you like this chapter, because to those who like Kames...it sure gives that couple advantage over Jagan. Let's just say, Logan admits a secret to Katie, and indirectly lets James know about it too. That's why the title of this chapter is what it is; James gets his heart broken by Logan, again. He gets his heart broken again, while Logan admits a 'dirty little secret' he's kept all these years. A secret, that may push Kendall and James together in a more...non-platonic way for the rest of this story. Again thank you for your review, I wonder if others will like this chapter too...I'm rambling again, sorry! Onward to this new chapter, which is longer than the last recent chapter by the way! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wish I did, then I'd die happily! :) I decided not to be mean and leave this chapter at a cliff-hanger, so I had to listen to two songs, one sad and one happy, to get the feeling of this chapter! Which is why this chapter has two titles, because two songs helped inspire this chapter!**

* * *

Logan was surprised when a knock came to his door and he saw Katie there, on the front door step with her hands on her hips.

The brilliant raven eyed her confusedly, expression just bursting with silent questions.

"Hey genius, mind if we talk for a bit? I need to ask you something." Katie said, long brown hair up in a high ponytail.

Her tone was normal, friendly if a bit snarky. Still, the slightly tense look in her big brown eyes left him a bit edgy.

"Uh sure, come in Kat." He said, stepping aside to let her cross.

She smiled her thanks and walked in, Logan leading her to the living room and offering her a glass of water. She kindly rejected the offer, Logan sitting across from her on the love-seat while she took the couch. "So what's up, Kat? Is something wrong with James, is he alright?" He asked, biting his lower lip in anticipation. Katie smiled again and waved off his worries, yet her smile vanished in only seconds.

"I did come over to talk about James, but not about his health. He's doing alright, Big Brother is keeping him company while he gets into the groove about counseling." She said. She did not miss the flash of jealously that lit up Logan's eyes at the mention of her bushy-browed, dirty blonde older brother. She felt a tug inside; so her mom's suspicions weren't totally far-fetched.

'I better play my cards right if I'm going to find out what I want to know, without getting him all ruffled up.' She thought with a mental sigh, keeping her facial expression normal though.

"Oh, so what do you want to talk about?"

"Simple: what do you want with James?" Logan's eyes went wide at the bluntness of Katie's question, cheeks flushing a pale strawberry pink.

"Um, come again?" Katie rolled her eyes.

"Loges, I know you're super smart and all but I am too. Don't treat me as if I'm stupid and don't act like you are either, you know what I'm talking about. You and James use to date, I know that, but I don't know why you two broke up and if you're trying to win him over again. Are you, are you trying to get him back?" Katie asked, crossing her arms. Logan gave her a slightly annoyed look.

"Since when are you interested in my love life, Kat?"

"Since Big Brother got involved, Logie-Bear. I don't know why you and James broke up, but I do know this: Kendall is falling for him, just you are still in love right? You're still in love with James, and you probably see my brother as competition because both of you are in love with the same guy. I'm not as oblivious as tweens my age are, I can tell you two are becoming rivals." Logan looked shocked, face pale again but paler, almost as white as a sheet.

"K-Kendall is in love with James?" He asked, Katie giving off a sharp nod.

"Everyone besides James and Big Brother himself can tell he's in love, but that's not my point here. My point here is, why are you trying to get James back? It's obvious he's not interested." The clever brunette pointed out, the raven looking away to avoid her piercing gaze.

"You don't know that." He retorted a bit hotly, it obvious that her comment stung a little.

"I don't have to know, Logan. I can read body language; James makes it obvious that he's falling for Kendall, even if he hasn't realized it yet. But again, you're avoiding my question: why are you trying to get him back?"

Logan rose from the love-seat and began pacing the living room floor, sighing heavily to himself. "I'm trying to get him back because I'm still in love with him, okay Katie? I-I've never stopped loving him, even with the four years of no contact between us, I still love him and I'm sure deep down he still loves me too. He was my first love, I can never forget that."

"I can respect that, Logan. I don't know a thing about relationships, and I'm so not looking forward to the crazy dating rolls I'll have to face any day now, but I get that he meant a lot to you. I'm not saying to stop caring about him...but he moved on."

"N-no, he didn't! We still care about each other, I know he...I know he still loves me!" Logan snapped back, but not in anger. He seemed put out, desperate; it was like he was trying to convince himself of what he said, like he didn't believe it so much himself. Katie sighed, expression hard now.

"Logan, what makes you think that? Sure he can still care about you, but maybe only as a close friend or brother now! What makes you think he still has feelings for you?"

"B-because he didn't tell me he loved Kendall, Katie! He never said that when we had that talk on Christmas! He didn't say a thing, he doesn't love him more than me!"

"Um, probably because James doesn't REALIZE he's in love with my brother! He's pretty and smart, but not pretty smart." Katie began pointing out, but Logan shook his head as if to beat away her words.

"No, I know James better than Kendall! If they're in love, why does James look at me the way he does? Like he's torn, like he wants to say something but can't find the right words? Why does he tremble when I touch him, hug him?" Logan asked, Katie about to respond when he cut her off.

"No, James shouldn't believe him! There's more to me and Kendall than he realizes, if he just opened his eyes he'd see that! I l-loved him first, I was there for him! Kendall and him have been going the same schools since the three of us were five, why are they just noticing each other now? My history with James ended badly, I know that better than anyone, but it's just not right! I was here first, Kendall can never have what me and James had, he can never love James like I did and still do!" At this Katie snapped, stomping off the couch and into Logan's face. She had one mighty glare on.

"Stop right there, Mitchell! Are you calling my Big Brother a liar?! Newsflash, who was there for James when you weren't? Who was the one who convinced your chicken butt to come see him in the hospital, who was the one who CALLED you because he KNEW how much you meant to James?! That's right, my Big Brother Kendall! He called you, not because James asked him to but because he felt you had a right to know how James was doing! But the first person James saw apart from Kelly when he woke up from surgery was KENDALL, not you! They sleep together every night, because KENDALL is the one who keeps his nightmares about Shane away; KENDALL was the one who calmed him down after counseling, because you got so edgy and jealous of Kendall that you left without a word! KENDALL was the one James shared his first abuse-free Christmas and New Year's Eve with, not you! You know what I think, buddy? I think you're just guilt-ridden! You may still love James but you're just focusing on your own pain, not his!"

"It's my damn fault I cheated on him and didn't have the guts to let him in!" Logan shouted back, though both he and Katie paled when his words finally registered clearly to them.

"Y-you what?" She finally choked out, feeling dizzy. The smart raven had tears in his deep mocha brown eyes now, which were turning black with guilt and sadness. He sat back down, not realizing he had butt-dialed someone and that said someone answered on the second ring; that someone began speaking, but Logan's phone volume was on low so the raven and Katie couldn't catch the sound.

"I-I...Dak Zevon, a transfer student the came around our freshmen year...he, he kissed me at a Choir party. He kissed me, didn't know I was with James; I pushed him away of course, told him I had a boyfriend, he apologized and we moved on from that. James wasn't in Choir that day, he was sick with the flu but...but I..."

"You never told him. That makes it worse." Katie spat, Logan looking at her deeply offended.

"I-I didn't kiss him back, Katie! I pushed Dak away and he understood and left me alone!"

"But you didn't tell James, you didn't trust your boyfriend enough to tell him what happened! In a way you still cheated; you should have told him the second after it happened, Logan! I don't care if you pushed him away, imagine if James had been there and he saw it? If he asked for an explanation, and you just brushed it off?! Wait, that's it! You're guilt-ridden because you weren't a real man back then! You let James down, broke his heart and kept a 'dirty little secret' from him! You did all that, screwed up big time and now you want to take him away from Kendall!"

"They are not together, Katie!"

Katie puffed out her right cheek, hands on her hips again. "So what, Loges? They are falling for each other, and you have no right to butt in between them! You had your chance and you lost it, I'm sorry! I'm sorry you had to go through that, I'm sure some people thought you were cheating when technically you weren't since you pushed Dak away, but you kept it a secret from James! You said you hated secrets and lies, right? But you kept a secret, a big dirty secret, from James and now you expect him to take you back? I'm sorry but you're really off there, buddy!"

"If I didn't mean anything to James, he wouldn't have welcomed me back into his life!" Logan protested.

'Really, for someone who's smart he's really dumb!' Katie thought, highly annoyed.

"I'm not saying he doesn't care about you, Logan, but he doesn't LOVE you the same way he did before! He moved on, he's falling for Kendall and you have to let him be!"

"Why? All's fair in love and war!"

"Because the only person who will suffer from this stupid rivalry is James!" Katie exclaimed, waving her hands around in frustration.

Logan's anger lost some steam at this, he looking a little more relaxed. Seriously, Katie was afraid he was going to hulk out on her; he looked like Bruce Banner under some serious pressure! "What do you m-mean, Katie?" Thankfully his tone was calm. Well, calm now.

"James, he's still recovering from Shane. Think about it: even if he and my Big Brother got together right now, he'd still be iffy about being in a relationship. What he knows about a relationship isn't healthy: he thinks being beaten, raped, and belittled is normal, it's what's been pounded into his skull for four years now. He needs stability, someone to show him real love; I'm not saying you can't do that, but James...James sees something in Kendall that he didn't in you: control. You're smart but you crack easily under pressure. I'm pretty sure if you had found James in the alley that night...you wouldn't had an idea on how to deal with the mess, you're smart but like I said you crack under pressure. James needs some control and balance in his life right now, something my brother has given him. Kendall controls the situation: he doesn't let Shane haunt him, he keeps James going when the guy's just ready to crumble and fall dead. He's always there for him, unlike you, and he's loved James through it all. If you want to keep this up...fine go ahead, I can't do much to stop you but just think about James. Think about what's best for him, not for you..." Katie said this all in one breath, reaching out to touch Logan's right shoulder.

The raven wiped at his tears, biting his lower lip. "But I love him..."

"If you really love him, you'll let him choose who he wants. You'll let him choose, not choose for him."

'B-but I already know he'll choose Kendall...' Logan thought, running a hand through his spiky raven hair.

**_-Page Break-_**

'H-he cheated on me...' James thought, dropping his cell-phone to the carpet floor.

He had been woken up by his cell-phone vibrating away in his pants, he slowly and carefully detangling himself from Kendall's embrace to avoid waking him. He had seen the caller ID and saw it was Logan, answering on the second ring.

A conversation leaked in from the other end. James couldn't tell who Logan was talking to and he didn't catch a majority of the conversation due to something muffling the sound, but there was one thing that rang loud and clear to the now tearing up brunette.

Logan admitting to someone he had a kiss with Dak Zevon, an old friend of James'. Logan admitting he had a kiss with Dak but that he didn't tell James, who had been his steady, long-term boyfriend at the time. He kept that secret from him, he lied to him.

He had lied to him, about nothing interesting happening at the Choir party.

'H-he had lied to me. He cheated, oh God n-no! He lied, he lied, HE LIED!'

"HE LIED!" James' scream woke up Kendall in a heartbeat, eyes half dazed and hair messed up. His expression went from dazed to fully alert though when he saw the big, fat tears rolling down James' thin cheeks; his soft hazel-green eyes were puffy and red-rimmed.

"James, James what's wrong?!" The dirty blonde exclaimed, pulling the other into his arms. He flinched however when James harshly pushed him away, cupping his ears and shaking his head frantically as if suffering a splitting headache.

"J-James?!"

"Another fucking disappointment in my life! H-he just used me, he never loved me! H-he cheated, he cheated and kept it...a fucking secret! H-he promised he'd be faithful, not hurt m-me! But n-n-no, he's just another heartbreaker! Just like my dad, Logan breaks my heart again too! He l-lied, he lied!" Kendall's interested perked up even more at the mention of the raven, chest tightening.

"W-what did Logan do, James?" He was afraid to ask, but he needed to find out a way to calm the distraught brunette down. James seemed to not have heard him, though.

"W-why does every damn person USE me?! I-I trusted him, I loved him even! I loved him, a-and he pulls the rug! He lied, why do people do this to me?!" James soon scrambled to his feet. He grabbed his shoes and pulled his hood over his head, heading for the front door.

"JAMES!" Kendall screamed, the brunette disappearing into the pouring rain outside.

**_-Page Break-_**

James ran.

He ran like his life depended on it. He ran like that night he escaped from Shane, he ran like crazy. Tears blurred his vision; his heart was aching; his whole body was soaked to the bone from the rain, still he ran. He ran until he reached the town park, only to collapse under a bare tree and break down completely. Thankfully there was no streaks of lightning in the sky or loud thunder booming, just heavy pouring rain.

But that didn't soothe the poor boy; in fact, it just made him want to cry more.

"W-why do I care about people when all they do is fucking toy with me?! I love, I care, I do everything Mom said a good man does but all I get is a broken heart! First Dad, then Shane and now L-Logan...oh God, Logan why?! I-I loved you...!" James threw a punch to the tree trunk, ignoring the splinters now digging into his skin, before he curled up into a ball on the wet grass and melting snow and continued sobbing.

His chest hurt, really badly. It felt like someone had taken a hammer to his ribs and banged at them until they broken into tiny, sharp pieces, stabbing his heart over and over as they showered down to his stomach. He was broken, really broken. But now, he just felt numb...empty.

'Oh God, why can't someone love me without breaking my stupid, fucked up heart?!' He screamed in his head, face down in the dirt as he twisted his fingers together behind his neck.

He felt cold, from the rain and melting snow; he was shivering, tears freezing into fine shards of ice against his cheeks, but he didn't bother to run away and get warm. His heart was cold, he was heartless.

He had nothing inside him, his heart was truly cut up.

"James..." Said brunette gasped as he shifted on the ground and looked up, squinting due to the rain falling on his face.

A thin, dirty blonde with large eyebrows and worried sick deep green eyes, chest heaving while he was in nothing but sweats and boots, no jacket. He didn't look cold, though, just fucking worried out of his mind.

"K-Kendall..."

'Even when I run away, h-he doesn't leave me...'

Kendall sighed in relief as he got on his knees and slowly pulled James into his arms, body shaking. He was crying; had James worried him that much?

"Oh God, you're okay! J-just a little soaked, James what were you thinking?! Running out like that in this rain, you could get sick! Oh God, don't ever do that to me again!" The blonde choked out, wiping his face and pulling away to take in James' pale, shaking expression.

"Y-you came after me..."

"Why the fuck wouldn't I, James?!" Kendall demanded, struggling to keep his cool. James looked down, ashamed now though his tears.

"L-Logan broke my heart again, Kendy. He c-cheated on me, back when we were dating..." At this Kendall's face softened, a sigh leaving him.

"Oh Jamie, I'm s-so sorry..."

"I always get my heart broken, I don't think it can take much more of that. I just wish someone wouldn't break it, I-I'm sick of the people who pretend to care about me but just leave me with a broken heart and tears! I'm sick of a b-broken heart! I just want to be loved, loved the right way! Why isn't there someone out there who won't break my heart?!" James snapped, pressing a hand to his face in a terrible attempt to conceal his tears.

Kendall reached out and cupped James' face, faces inches apart. "J-James, I...I haven't broken your heart."

At this James' eyes flew open in shock, hurt shining in said eyes.

'Oh my God, he's been hurt so much. And he's scared, so scared but...I haven't broken his heart."

"Y-you haven't." James acknowledged, breathing evening out a little. He copied Kendall's movements, though his hands went around his neck instead of cupping his face.

"H-how is that you...you are the only one who hasn't?" James asked. Kendall smiled sadly, brushing a wet lock of chocolate brown hair from James' slick forehead.

"Because I've had my heart broken before; I know how it feels." He whispered.

"Y-you know how it feels?"

"Yeah, I do. It hurts like hell; no one wants or likes a broken heart, I didn't like it when it was done to me so why would I do that to someone else? James, I'd never break your heart, if I did that...I'd break my own heart at the same time." Kendall elaborated more, eyes wet still but expression calmer, softer.

James was left with his jaw slack, eyes wide in both surprise and extreme relief.

Kendall knew what it was like to live with a broken heart. He wasn't new to it.

'H-he's not like everyone else...' His thoughts were reeling, but his body moved on its own accord.

He moved his hands from Kendall's neck to his face now, cupping it gently and taking a deep breath before...he leaned upwards and pressed his lips to Kendall's softly, gently, lightly in a kiss.

Kendall's body froze at the contact; he was stiff for a few minutes before he lightly pressed back, his hands cupping James' face as he closed his eyes and kissed back, James' eyes closed too as he just let himself be taken away.

There was no groping at each other's bodies, nor a lustful tongue between their mouths. It wasn't chaste kiss, but it was sweet and gentle. A kiss that said a lot: admiration, comfort, friendship and...something more that Kendall couldn't say yet in fear of James pushing him away, and something more James wasn't use to it.

But it still was a kiss.

The two slowly broke apart, faces red and a shared fuzzy feeling in their stomachs. James kept his eyes locked with Kendall's for who knows how long, but it wasn't long before their lips met again.

And just like that, one small piece of James' heart didn't disappear into dust in his chest.


	26. Say Okay

Here I am, on a quiet and rainy day. Ready to update, yay! Sorry, I get overexcited about writing but now, onward to the new chapter! Last chapter's ending was...interesting, I hope! Thank you to winterschild11, my sister, kennethowo, and jamesmaslowlover for reviewing! Here's the next chapter, and it has Kendall and James talking about the possible future of their relationship now. We'll see what they will say now, shall we? Thank you again for the reviews, hope you all enjoy this new chapter! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I just wish I could meet them in person...man that would make me so happy! :') Oh, and bold words in this chapter stand for text messages!**

* * *

"My God, where are they?!" Kelly exclaimed for the seventeenth time, pacing the living room.

Her, Jen, and Katie were at her house, panicking over the fact that Kendall and James were nowhere to be found! According to Katie, they had been there earlier, asleep and watching Spider-Man but they were gone! James' phone was found on the floor, the blanket and couch pillows were messed up, and Kendall's coat was still hanging by the door.

It was the like two vanished!

"W-we should call the police!" Kelly began saying, scrambling for the home phone when Jen shook her head, deep hazel-brown eyes sharp.

"No, I know my son. He wouldn't have left in such a hurry unless it was spur of the moment but give them time, Kelly. They'll turn up, I know it." She said, putting a hand to the other woman's shoulder.

"But when, J-Jen?" Katie noticed some movement outside the window, then the front door open.

"Like now." She managed to say before she, Jen, and Kelly turned to see Kendall carrying a sleeping James in his arms.

Both were soaked to the bone, Kendall worse since he had ran out after the brunette without a coat. They were shivering, James even in his uneven sleep, and their footsteps resonated squishing sounds as if they were crossing a swamp.

Kendall had a small smile on his lips, James snuggled up close to his chest.

"James, Kendall! Oh God, you two...!" Kelly shrieked, being the first to catch them in a hug only to pull away and give Katie and Jen a grab at them to glare hotly at them.

"Care to explain why you two ran off like that?" Jen asked, a bit calmer. Inside she had been as worried sick as Kelly but she knew Kendall, she knew her son. He wouldn't do something like that unless someone he cared about needed him.

Kendall bit his lower lip, moving his bright bottle green eyes to James' beautiful face. "James had...a little fight with Logan and ran off to the park, but I caught up to him and he wasn't hurt. He's tired; Kelly, I know you're mad right now but I'll run James a warm bath. He's shivering." He said, Kelly's expression softening at his words.

'So Logan...' She thought, quick to give the dirty blonde a smile.

"O-okay, I'll take him from here and get him some warm clothes to change into after the bath. You're taking a warm shower right after though, Kendall." She said, Jen going into mama-bear mode too.

"She's right, I'll go to the kitchen to heat up some soup and get you two some ginger ale. Katie sweetie, mind getting the extra blankets from James' closet? These two are soaked to the bone, we have to make sure they get warm fast." Katie nodded and followed her mother's orders, she and Kelly heading to James' room with said brunette now in his Auntie's arms.

Kendall watched them leave, sighing softly before heading for the bathroom. His mom caught him gently by the arm though, he looking a bit confused and worried she'd be upset as hell. She did look a little put out, but she seemed more relieved to see them okay.

"Sweetie, please don't ever worry me like that." She whispered, pulling her son into a warm hug despite him being wet. Kendall smiled and hugged her back tightly, wet prints now on her soft pink shirt.

"I won't again, Mom. Now, I have to run James' warm bath; he really needs it." He said, pulling away with another smile before disappearing behind the bathroom door.

Jen sighed and smiled to herself, going into the kitchen and making for the stove and large pot of soup, it a bit cold but that will change in a few minutes.

'I have a feeling something happened between Kendall and James.' The redheaded mother thought with a mental grin.

She suspected something, but she'll wait and see if her suspicions were right.

**_-Page Break-_**

James sighed as he washed his shampoo out of the soft, spiky mane of his chocolate-brown hair. He took in the sweet scent of vanilla replacing the wet smell of rain around his body, stepping out of the circular tub and pulling out the plug.

The soft gurgling of water going down the drain soothed him, he drying his hair while he shrugged on a plain black tee, dark blue sweatpants and a pair of thick, black socks. He wiped the beads of warm water running down the side of his face, taking a deep breath as he stared at himself in the mirror.

The once nasty, noticeable bruises that littered his skin were partially gone, almost fully healed. His eyes didn't look so black in color, the green in his hazel eyes more apparent now; the dark bags under them weren't purple, just faint shadows. His lower lip was healed too, and the once large gash on the side of his face was nothing but a thin scabbed over scar now. His cheeks were flushed a lovely red, and his eyes seemed brighter too.

He looked...different.

'I look...better.' He thought with a slight smile, eyes moving to his now vibrating phone. It was a text.

After making sure his hands were dry enough James picked up his phone and checked the message. His smile broadened when he saw who it was.

**Soup's on, eat while I shower alright?**

**-Kendall.**

James felt a weird flutter in his stomach.

When he had...kissed Kendall in the park, he had wanted to. It wasn't just a spur of the moment; the brunette has been feeling something more intimate for his best friend, besides friendship. He's been feeling confused about it for a while now, and his body just moved before his brain would. He cared about Kendall, more than just a friend, he knew that.

The question was, was he ready for this?

'I feel safe with him. When things aren't okay, he does his best to make me feel better. He's been here for everything, and has done so much for me.' James began typing back a response, hoping the blonde wouldn't mind.

**N-no, let's eat together in my room. I want to wait for you...okay?**

**-James.**

'He's never ran away from me. He's always saying that everything will be okay, that everything will be alright for me. I'm s-scared sure, who isn't when entering a new relationship? But remember this, James: you don't want a relationship of six months, or a year. You don't want something that lasts for a short amount of time, okay? You want a happy relationship yeah, but one that lasts forever. You want...true love, nothing of the silly lust-driven, mindless love going on nowadays. C-can Kendall give that to me...?' James jumped out of his train of thought when he got a response back.

**Okay. :)**

**-Kendall.**

'Short, sweet, and to the point. Ugh, why am I being so insecure? Sure Kendall will still have a lot to prove to me, but he's wiped my tears away and held me close. He's always made me feel as if I'm cared for, he makes me laugh too and he's wonderful with me. But I-I still want true love...I don't want to be someone's new fling. I don't want to be a ride for him to enjoy for a short time; I want to find out what I-I'm feeling for him, and when I do I want him to be here still...' James' thoughts made his head spin while he typed up a quick response before grabbing his towel.

**Okay, I'm done with my bath. Meet you in my room.**

**-James.**

_**-Page Break-**_

Kendall sighed as the warm water ran over his body, relaxing his once tense muscles.

He came in to shower about ten minutes after James left, said brunette now waiting patiently for him in his room. The dirty blonde felt a soft smile touch his lips at the thought of the pretty boy.

'I-I fell in love with him...but I can't just say that, at least not right now. James is still hurt from Shane, and Logan. I don't want to push him into something he isn't ready for, I know he still loves Logan.' At this a fuzzy feeling entered Kendall's stomach.

He hadn't realized his feelings, well true feelings, for James until the kiss. Sure he wouldn't deny that he'd get flustered around the older boy and that he loved spending time with him, but Kendall has had his heart broken before.

He, like James, had a first love that forever marked him: Jett Stetson. The other blonde wasn't bad; sure he had the ego the size of California, but he was still sweet and nice. The only reason Kendall didn't like remembering him was because Jett had to move away, to California to follow his dream to become an actor. Jett just got up and left, probably not letting the dirty blonde know because it would have been too painful for a goodbye. To Jett, it was easier to say goodbye without really saying the word.

Jett had been Kendall's first love, and you can't really forget your first love. Jett had also been Kendall's first heartbreak, well second since Kendall did date a girl before him...but Jett had been the first he got close to. He was a virgin still, but he did get attached to the now superstar blonde emotionally.

'After that heartbreak, I didn't want to find love. I mean, it hurts to have your heart broken; sometimes, it feels like it can never heal. But with James...I-I don't know, I just feel different. Like I'm a new me, that I'm starting over with my love life. I liked everything about him: his smile, his laugh, his eyes. N-now...I realize that I love him. I love him and nothing would make me happier than to be the one to help him heal. The question is, is he ready for this? I think I am, halfway there but...but is he?'

Kendall turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, running his towel over his wild, wet hair while he pulled on a pair of loose blue sweatpants. Once his hair was dry enough he shrugged on the matching top and pulled on his thick, black socks. He looked himself in the mirror, curious.

His eyes were shining. His skin was flushed a bright pink, and it wasn't from the steam. His overall facial expression seemed hopeful, happy.

'Well, I'll need to ask him myself to find out.'

**_-Page Break-_**

After the boys ate, they got comfy under the covers, James with a book in his hands and Kendall with his ear-buds in, listening to music. They had been silent for a few minutes, just enjoying the soft sound of the drizzling rain outside before James sat up with a sigh, closing his book in the process. Kendall sat up too, putting an arm around the brunette's shoulders.

"James, are you alright?"

"A-are we...I mean, are we a couple now?" James asked, shyly. Kendall's eyes went wide at the question but he sighed and had James look him in the eye, smiling gently, softly.

"The future of our relationship is all up to you, Jamie. We can stay friends if you want, it won't change anything between us. I don't want you to feel pressured to get into something you're not ready for." Kendall said, serious. James looked hurt, though.

"B-but it's not fair to you, or me...! I mean, what if I w-want us to be more than friends?" He asked; that changed Kendall's facial expression completely.

"I mean, are you sure? You don't have to...but if it's what you want...James, it's not about what I want."

"I know, I know it's about what I want but...but if we do become more, then I need to be sure that it's a relationship that will last, Kendall. I don't want a fling, I don't want to be someone you care about one day then no the next. I just want to know that you'll stay with me, that you'll l-...I mean, that you'll care about me today and not leave me tomorrow. I want to heal, but only if it means that you'll always treat me the right way, and that you want t-true love...that I can be the one you'll always want. I just want you to say, 'Okay, I will'. That's all I want..." James admitted, tears spilling down his cheeks.

Kendall reached out and cupped the brunette beauty's face, wiping away his tears slowly, carefully. "James, I promise that everything will be okay. I know I still have a lot to prove, because being your best friend and being...your boyfriend can be two different fields, but it's going to be okay. I will be here no matter what, I won't you heart be broken again. I know you're not ready to hear those three words yet, and I'm not ready to say them either. But I want to say them, when you're ready and I...I just want to find someone I can be with for longer than a year or two, too. I just want to be someone's only one, and I can only hope that over time I can be your only one. I'll wait, I won't pressure you, and I'll keep up what I've been doing this whole time: caring for you and helping you get through this. It's okay, James, it's okay..." Kendall whispered, hugging James close.

James sniffled but hugged just as tightly back, pulling away with a soft smile as Kendall wiped away another stray tear. "S-so it's settled, we're boyfriends." He said. Kendall smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, we are. And I promise, everything will be okay. Step-by-step, one step at a time. You can count on me."

"I-I know. Um, can I h-have a kiss?" James asked, face flushed; the poor boy was shy!

Kendall thought it was cute though, the way James seemed so confident in other things but with their relationship was shy, fragile. "You don't have to ask, James. I am yours, after all." He said but complied, pressing his lips to James' softly.

James closed his eyes, copying Kendall, and cupped Kendall's chin with one hand. The kiss was gentle, didn't last forever but when they pulled away, their faces were bright red and neither could help smiling.

"Everything will be okay, Jamie."

"O-okay, Kendall."


	27. Beautiful

Yolo, to the world and the other worlds beyond! Heh, I believe in aliens...but, this isn't about that! This is about a new chapter, all Kames! I had to say I was a little surprised by the positive reaction to Kames; it makes me wonder if anyone at all wanted Jagan to begin with...hmm, interesting! But anyway, thank you all so much! I appreciate the support, really I do and so this chapter is for the Kames lovers! Now, the next chapter has the guys returning to school, meaning James will have to face the student body world about...Shane. A week has passed in this chapter; sorry for the time-skip guys, but we have to advance to the school scene and to a specific surprise later on. Also, just because Kames is official, does not mean Logan is giving up just yet. I have to admire his determination, and who says he might not just get what he wants? We'll see, now onward to the new chapter! Let's see how being boyfriends for a week or so has done for Kendall and James. Warning: fluff ahead! Enjoy, everyone! And thank you again! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wish I did...man, I'd be the happiest girl on the planet! Oh, and did everyone get the news that Carlos and Alexa are finally married! Oh God I wish them all the happiness in the world; treat her right, Carlos! Heehee, I love those two! :) The song that inspired this chapter is by the band Trading Yesterday, totally recommend them! Their songs are so soul-reaching, it should be a crime to pull at the heartstrings like that! :') Sorry if this was short, but it is PURE fluff so I hope that makes up for it!**

* * *

A whole week or so passed.

A whole week of Kendall and James being together has passed.

A quiet, humble relationship that seemed to be growing stronger and stronger every day.

And neither one would admit it, in fear of upsetting the other, but both were beginning to think their affections were growing pass simple attraction and affection. Of course they weren't ready for the L-word yet, and were still a bit far off from it, but...but anyone would have to be blind to not see just how the two cared about each other.

Kelly, Jen, and Katie, they already knew when they saw the two sharing a quick kiss after breakfast Friday morning. The two did not hide their relationship, after all they weren't ashamed and everyone besides them had noticed off the bat their attraction, but Kendall chose to keep the relationship on the down-low for now so not to put any stress on James.

He was still new to being loved the right way; he's been doing so well with that, and Kendall wanted to keep it that way.

Still, no one could deny that the dirty blonde was head-over-heels for James. It was clear in his eyes, every day.

**_-Page Break-_**

It was an early Sunday morning. Katie was fast asleep in the guest room Kelly finally managed to get together; Kelly herself was at work, so was Kendall's mom.

Kendall and James were asleep in James' bed, the brunette snuggled up to his boyfriend's side while Kendall had him in a tight, yet gentle, embrace around the waist.

It was still early to be up and going, barely seven. Still, James' soft hazel-green eyes fluttered open and he let out a cat-like yawn, moving one hand from Kendall's chest to rub Sandy's sand out of his eyes. The movement stirred Kendall from his sleep, his bright green eyes foggy with sleep as he let out a silent yawn and looked over at James. A soft, loving smile touched his lips; James returned it with a smile of his own, yet it was a bit shy. He was the more insecure, quiet one in their relationship, but Kendall always found it endearing.

"Hey." Kendall whispered, brushing a stray lock of chocolate brown hair from James' beautiful face. Said brunette blushed, though he leaned into Kendall's palm fully.

"Hey." He whispered back, expression begging now. Kendall chuckled and pressed a quick kiss to the other's lips, letting it linger for a minute or two more before pulling away.

"Sorry, I have morning breath." James let out sweet laugh; it was soft on the ears, like wind-chimes.

"I know, I have it too." He said, though Kendall shook his head.

"You never get morning breath, beautiful. You always seem to have minty fresh breath, even in the morning." Kendall said, James blushing darker at the nickname.

Kendall started calling him beautiful the three day of their relationship. At first James didn't like it, he didn't see himself as beautiful; his scars and bruises have healed but they were still faintly there, so how could he be beautiful? Shane himself said that James was ugly, broken and dirty.

But then Kendall said something that explained his nickname to James in little words: 'Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder'. To Kendall James was beautiful, either in clean jeans and a nice shirt or just in a pair of sweats with his hair all messy, like it was now. The dirty blonde never saw anything imperfect about his boyfriend, because how could he?

James didn't see it, yet, but he was very beautiful and Kendall wasn't just talking about the physical. Yes, the brunette was beautiful on the outside with his soft, deep eyes that often switched from a lively hazel-green to a smoldering golden-red, depending on his mood. His hair, short and spiky and wild, always smelled sweet like vanilla and was extremely soft like silk, and the shade of brown of his hair just caught the sunshine perfectly whenever they went outside for the park. His skin, warm and smooth to the touch even with the old scars and burns, dark like caramel and sweet-smelling like his hair. His perfect, white teeth and slender arches for eyebrows, those cute freckles across his arrow-straight nose and those pale pink lips that should only have smiles touch them, never frowns. A tall, well-muscled yet still slender body, yes James had the looks of a Greek god.

Yet, pass the physical was what really made Kendall fall for him.

It was his nature: he was sweet, kind to a fault really, generous and really smart. The brunette had told him how before Shane broke him, he use to act all self-absorbed and superficial but admitted it was all an act. He just wanted someone to notice him, and acting like a total diva seemed to work at the time but he hated not being truthful to who he was so as Shane broke him, he broke his fake diva act. Even though it took his twin's beating and sexual advances for James to finally be true to himself, that was the only thing he thanked Shane for. Now he was who he was: a sweet, friendly boy who despite being born in a very rich family didn't like the attention of it and just wanted to be famous, wanted to be a singer.

The vocal cord therapy he was taking with Dr. Buddha Bob has been doing wonders for his voice; these last couple days, everyone around James has noticed his voice was getting stronger, less scratchy and throaty and more like it use to be. He couldn't sing those high notes yet, or stress his vocal cords when making sounds like A, E, I, O, U but he was getting better; he could talk without sounding like a drowned rat.

James was sweet. He loved animals like Kendall, he saw the beauty in simple things like a sunset or a flower, more specifically a poppy or sunflower. He didn't want the world handed to him; he didn't want Kendall to give him a diamond, dozen roses, or even the moon and stars. All he wanted was to be loved, to be okay. All he wanted was to see himself as a beautiful and valuable person again, to love and be loved.

'He's beautiful, inside and out whether he sees it yet or not...' Kendall thought with a fond look in his eyes, which didn't go unnoticed by his easily-flustered boyfriend.

"W-why are you looking at me like that?" He asked, awe and curiosity in his tone.

"Looking at you like what?"

"L-like, like I'm..."

"The most beautiful person I've ever seen?" Kendall helped him, tilting his head more into the pillows. James ducked his head to hide his ever-growing blush but nodded slowly, taking his time.

"Yeah, why do you look at me as if I'm...the most b-beautiful person you've ever seen?" He asked. Kendall reached over and took one of James' hands, laying still in the small space between their bodies.

"Because all I see when I look at you is beautiful, James. You are the most beautiful person I've ever seen. You smile, it brightens up my whole day. You laugh, I feel like laughing too. You're just amazing it's hard to find the right words to describe just HOW amazing you are. I'd have to look through every dictionary ever made, and I'm sure there is only one word that is the same as 'beautiful'." Kendall began, their fingers intertwining.

"And that w-word is...?" At this, Kendall smiled.

"Your name. Whenever I hear your name, I think 'beautiful'; whenever I hear the word 'beautiful', I think of you and your name. Your name and that word, I'm pretty sure they mean the same. You're beautiful, amazing, very intelligent, and you light up my day. I swear, you're like my sun!" Kendall exclaimed with a laugh. James managed one too through his thoroughly flustered state, eyes locked with his blonde lover's.

"Y-you really think that of me?" He asked.

"I don't think so, James. I believe it, and I know it's true: you are beautiful. If you don't think you, I'm here to prove you wrong. Like I said, when I see you all I see is beautiful." Kendall responded, stroking lovingly James' right cheek.

Weak tears sparkled in James' eyes but his smile was big as he pecked Kendall on the lips, nuzzling their noses together. "I hope I can believe that, in time."

"In time, you will. Everything takes time, don't rush it though. You'll see every day one beautiful thing about you; from there, you'll see that you're beautiful as a whole, a very beautiful person who I care about very much."

"I-I care a lot about you too, Kenny..." James said. He didn't say 'I like you' or 'I like-like you', he kept it simple. His heart was still healing, that other L-word wasn't familiar to him yet. But in his eyes, Kendall could see he had for the blonde just as much admiration, affection, and longing as he did for him.

The feelings were mutual. Everything was vice-versa.

"I care a lot about you too, too Jamie. Now, what do you want to do today? It's our last day before school is up again, and don't you dare worry your pretty boy head off about it. Everything will be okay, I promise." Kendall sealed that promise with a light kiss to James' hand.

James snuggled more into the shorter boy, breathing in his scent. Even now, Kendall smelled all natural and musky, like spring rain. James liked that smell, he liked that smell very much. It was all Kendall; no heavy cologne or aftershave, just all Kendall. And he liked it.

"Would it be weird to ask that we stay like this all day? That we just shower then cuddle some more here, I don't want to do anything but...b-but just lay here with you." James whispered, closing his eyes and wrapping one arm around Kendall's middle.

The dirty blonde smiled into James' hair and closed his eyes too, sighing in content as he kissed the top of the brunette's head. "No, it's not. Your wish is my command, Ice Prince." James smiled at Kendall's answer.

He didn't want to worry about tomorrow, about going back to school and mostly likely facing the stares, the whispers at his back, the questions about Shane from the other kids. He didn't want to worry about having to face Logan, who hasn't stopped by in days now. He didn't want to worry about knowing he still had to face the court against Shane, or that sometime in the future he would have to see his twin brother again, after so much time apart. He didn't want to worry or know a thing about what's to come.

All he wanted to worry about was his time with Kendall, his lazy Sunday with him. All he wanted to know, was that this moment was theirs and that no one could take it away from them. All he wanted to know, was that Kendall was here, that he cared about him and that nothing even matters anymore concerning his past. His past, as painful as it was, was behind him little by little every day and that he could count on Kendall. He could count on one of the most important people in his life to help him heal and learn...how to say that L-word again. In time.

"So, should I shower first or you, beautiful?"

"Do we have to do that right now, it's still early." Kendall laughed at the pout he felt James making, since his face was snuggled to his torso. The dirty blonde wrapped his arms around the brunette again and hugged him, tightly, firmly, gently against him, stealing another kiss to his forehead.

"Well it is only seven; we'll get up around eight-thirty, shower then eat breakfast okay? Then we just cuddle here to a movie, how does that sound?" He whispered to James, who nodded his consent.

"Okay..."

"Go back to sleep, beautiful. I'll be here when you wake up." And for the first time in a while, James completely, a hundred percent believed those words.


	28. They Don't Know About Us Pt 1

Yolo! Yes, yes, yes! G-guys, my professors FINALLY put up the textbook requirements for their classes! And finally, they've confirmed their classroom locations! Thankfully all my classes are in the same place, but thank God! I'm so happy, and calmer, now so time for a new chapter! Before we dive in, I want to dedicate this chapter to No-Emotions-To-Cry. He seems to be a little out of it, so this chapter is for him! I care so much for you, dear friend. You are so nice and have been so supportive of me, thank you; this is for you! Thank you to everyone for the support as well, thank you all so much! After this story, which I have a lot to do for it still so I hope everyone sticks around, I have a new story idea coming up! It's Sub!Kendall, Kames, and the summary for the future story is up on my profile. Mind giving it a read, and if you all want, tell me what you think? Thank you, and without further hassle from me, the new chapter! The song I chose to listen to for this chapter, I'm not a fan of One Direction but I will admit that some of their songs are awesome! The best part, this chapter will most likely be a four-part chapter, going along with the classes of the day! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! If I did...gosh, I'd get to meet my idols! I love you, James! I love you, Kendall! I love you, Logan! I love you, Carlos! Thank you for being such amazing role models! :)**

* * *

James straightened his shirt up a little, making sure his hair was decent.

He was standing in front of his bedroom mirror, making sure his glasses were clean and that his shoes (really Kendall's, they had a habit of wearing each other's stuff more) were spotless.

'O-okay, back to school. Don't freak, James. Everything will be okay, K-Kenny said so. He'll be right there, he has the same classes this semester after all...' The pretty boy thought, struggling to keep his breathing even.

It was the last semester of high school, Kendall and James'. A few months, three to be exact, before the senior prom; a few months, two, before graduation. He, like Kendall, had finished up all the core classes he needed for graduation so now all he had was electives. His schedule: Art for first period, photography second, theater third/C lunch, and lastly gym for his last class.

Kendall had the same schedule, meaning they would spend the whole day together, side-by-side.

A bright red blush touched James' face at the mere thought, but his smile was bright. Any day, any time he got to spend with the dirty blonde was like finding an oasis in the desert.

"Wow, you look beautiful." A soft knock on his door and James turned with a smile, Kendall giving him a playful wink before coming in.

"Really, you think so? Not too simple?" James asked, turning back to look at himself in the mirror.

He was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt, tight to his body, with another black shirt over it, just short-sleeved. The shirt had the famous Iron Man (he loved Spidey, but he did get to know the other awesome heroes of Marvel) arch reactor symbol dead in the middle, it seeming to glow even though it was just a slap-on design. He was wearing black skinnies and Kendall's all-black Vans, a gray zip-up jacket lying on his made bed. He had his glasses on and his soft chocolate-brown hair was back to it usual short, spiky-ness, the charm bracelet that Kendall made him hanging proudly from his wrist.

Kendall walked up behind James and hugged him from around his slender waist, James blushing but leaning into Kendall as he placed his hands over the other boy's. "Jamie, trust me when I say that you really look drop-dead gorgeous. Wait, what am I saying? You always look beautiful, no matter what you wear. A pair of jeans and a random shirt, you make it work. A fancy suit and tie, wow you just know how to make anything you wear work! So don't think that just today you look drop-dead gorgeous; you look drop-dead gorgeous every day." Kendall said, pressing a soft kiss to James' right cheek.

The brunette's blush darkened, but his answering smile was beaming. Last night was the first night James had to sleep alone, since Kendall had to go back home for school starting today. At first both had been nervous; they didn't want a repeat of that frightening night weeks ago. James knew the chances of having a Shane-related nightmare were high, but thankfully he managed to tough out the night. He had slept peacefully, no dreams just sleep. He was thankful for the miracle; looking like a living zombie the first day back would have made him want to bang his head against a wall.

"Thanks, you l-look nice today too." James said, turning around in Kendall's arms to look him over with a more shyer smile.

Kendall was wearing clean white t-shirt under a blue flannel button-up, a light zip-up black jacket over it. He had on light blue skinnies and his gray Vans, a black beanie over his messy, yet soft, dirty blonde hair and he had his usual bracelets on. He had one piercing in his left ear, this one of a diamond and a dog-tag necklace around his neck.

The dirty blonde laughed, shaking his head. "Not nearly as nice as you, beautiful."

"Don't be silly, Kenny. You look great, really you do. I wouldn't be surprised if you get a few stares at school." James said. Kendall cupped the other's face, looking deep into his soft hazel-green eyes.

"Yeah, but there's only one person I'm trying to impress: you. I don't care if I get stared at, the only person who has my heart is right here in front of me." Kendall whispered, lips in a pout.

James smiled and stole a kiss, Kendall letting out a squeak in surprise but returned it with all his heart seconds later.

They stood there, stealing soft, gentle kisses and laughing, for a few minutes before Kendall reluctantly pulled away.

"As much as I'd like to spend the whole day just kissing you, beautiful, we have to get to school. I'm driving." He said, James tilting his head to the side.

"No bus?"

"Nah, too crowded. I know you get a little claustrophobic in big crowds, so I'm not risking you feeling uncomfortable or getting hurt by the football meat-heads that think it's okay to practice on the bus. Plus, I'd like to spend some more quality-time with you; I didn't get to be with you last night."

"Kenny, you saw me yesterday though." James teased with a grin. Kendall grinned back.

"Still, I'm not use to spending nights away from you. So will you do me the honor of riding to school with me?" Kendall asked, pulling out his keys.

James smiled. "Sure, just get me there in one piece."

"Your wish is my command, Ice Prince."

**_-Page Break-_**

'People are whispering, every time I pass.' James thought uncomfortably, shifting in his seat.

After Kendall had found a good parking spot in the school lot and they got their things together, the couple made their way to class. Unlike some kids, they weren't scrambling for their schedules; they had been smart enough to actually come to open house, to avoid the hassle. And thanks to coming to open house they knew where they new classes were, so they were in art earlier than their classmates.

But when the class began, after the teacher passed out the requirements and grading process, everyone's eyes seemed to fly to James.

He could feel dozens of them burning into his back, distracting him from their first assignment: to write or draw about something personal to you, that meant a lot and said something about your artistic skills and personality. He was writing, or at least trying to, a poem about someone very important to him. Kendall was seat right next to him, bent over a sketch; they were seated along with two other people: Dak Zevon and a blonde girl named Peggy.

As if being assigned group seats with the boy that had kissed his ex-boyfriend wasn't awkward for James enough.

"Beautiful, is something wrong?" James sighed and looked up from his poem, a weak smile on for Kendall.

"It's the whispers, and all the staring. Kenny, if they want to ask something why don't they?" James asked. Kendall took his hand, soothingly rubbing his knuckles with his thumb.

"Because teenagers are nosy, moody, annoying people. They're just trying to make a big deal out of Shane, Jamie. But as long as they don't harass you everything will be okay, I'm here to bust someone if they do."

"But aren't we teenagers, too?"

"Yeah, but we respect others to not try and get involved in things that have nothing to do with us. Hey, hey it's okay. Do you want to see what I've been drawing?" Kendall offered, James perking up instantly and nodding. The dirty blonde scooted closer so that only they could see his sketchbook, James leaning into his shoulder for comfort.

The brunette's eyes though grew wide.

It was...of them. They were at the park, Kendall doodling away while James read one of his many books, all cuddled up under a tree and sharing ear-buds. The day in the drawing was pretty: cloudy, cool with soft rays of light peeking through here and there.

It was only a rough sketch, but to James it was beautiful.

"W-wow, Kendall is this amazing!" James whispered, looking up at his loving boyfriend. Kendall smiled and kissed the top of James' head.

"Hey, the assignment is to draw inspiration from something, or in my case someone, very special to me. I hope you don't mind I chose you, you know since we're still new to this whole relationship step." Kendall said, looking a little nervous. His unsure facial expression fell though when James kissed him, on the lips though, and gave him a sweet smile.

"Hey, I'm not ashamed of you or afraid of coming out. Everyone here knows I'm pan, and you...you are the best thing that I've had in such a long time. I'm smiling for a reason, why not show that reason off? It's not every day a sweet, cute, funny dirty blonde boy likes me." The brunette said, reaching out to stroke Kendall's left cheek.

"I swear, your kisses get sweeter every time." Kendall said. James laughed.

"Hey, mind shutting up? You guys are gross." Peggy hissed, shooting the couple a glare from her oil painting.

James' eyes flashed in hurt, they turning a smoldering red-gold. Kendall turned from his now sad boyfriend to the mean girl with a snap of his head, his bright green eyes glaring right back.

"Don't talk to my boyfriend like that, Princess."

"It's Peggy, moron."

"Funny, I know that name thanks to a badass femme fatale, you look more like Medusa to me."

"Why you!"

"Hey, leave them alone. They're not doing anything wrong so drop it or I'm telling Mr. Mathias." Dak butted in, his pale green-brown eyes shining in warning.

Peggy made a face at her fag of a cousin but did as she was told, keeping her mouth shut and going back to her oil painting. Dak turned from her to Kendall and James, a surprised face on the brunette while the shorter boy was looking at him in thanks.

"Hey, I hate bullies." Dak said simply, smiling.

James bit his lower lip but soon smiled shyly back; maybe the raven wasn't so bad after all...

"T-thank you." James whispered, Kendall smiling at him and wrapping an arm loosely around his waist.

"No problem, if you want I can keep these eyes off you."

"How?"

"Just by being myself; some of these guys are homophobic, I'm head of the GSA club here though so it's my job to stop discrimination and spread love. I have your backs, guys. Plus...James, I didn't mean to hurt you freshman year, this is my chance to make up for what I did." Dak said, looking ashamed now.

He was talking about kissing Logan...

"You don't have to do that, Dak." Said raven looked lost.

"I mean about the GSA...I'd like to join, but what I meant was about what happened freshman year. It's all in the past, and I don't h-hate you. Besides, they're staring for another reason too, but it's okay because I'm happy now with Kendy." James explained, smiling at said blonde.

"B-but then, why are they...?"

"Y-you remember my brother, Shane?" James asked, swallowing hard.

"Yeah, so wait...it's true? He was arrested? For what?" Kendall stepped in this time, seeing from how golden James' eyes were right now that he wasn't eager to talk about...they-knew-what.

"He did some bad things, since freshman year. He did some bad things, really bad things, but the police got him and now he's going to spend the rest of his disgusting, pointless life behind bars." Kendall explained in a few words, trying to contain his anger. James kissed his cheek, that managing to calm the dirty blonde down a little.

Dak's eyes darkened. "Oh, I see. Well you guys know that if you need anything, I'm here right?" He asked. Kendall and James smiled, sharing a nod.

"Yeah we do, thanks."

"No problem, um James? Can I ask for some help on my short story here, I have ideas but I don't know how to make them flow and you're really good at English so..." James' smile grew at this, eyes going back to hazel-green.

"S-sure Dak, I'd be happy to help! I love short stories!" He exclaimed, Dak scooting his seat closer to them, and leaving Peggy by her self, to better work with the brunette.

James read over what he had so far and in no time began gushing out suggestions, Kendall chuckling to himself as he saw how animated and passionate his beautiful boyfriend was getting.

'That's my angel, you enjoy today. And if someone tries something, I'm here.' He thought before going back to his sketch, chuckling still when he heard Dak gush back.


	29. They Don't Know About Us Pt 2

Yolo! Back again for 'Love the Way You Lie', and ready to roll! I decided to make this chapter a three-part one instead of a four-part. Don't worry it's still all Kames fluff, but I don't want to give my wonderful readers just pointless fluff, no matter how adorable Kendall and James are being. I want to give you all some drama too; enter Logan, yay awesome sauce! He doesn't know Kames is official, so I was wondering if everyone would okay with seeing his reaction? Well get ready, cause this chapter is all about that! But it's still all fluff, Kendall being a big romantic and James being a really big shy boy so no worries! Thank you everyone for the support, I am beaming with glee from everyone's encouragement! Not only for this story, but also 'They Don't Know You'! Thank you to those who are giving it a try, don't forget to let me know what you like, what confuses you, and any other concerns! Thank you again, and I hope you all enjoy this next chapter! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I am sad now, and it's raining outside! Mother Nature knows me!**

* * *

"Man, I'm remembering now why I use to love school so much." James said as he and Kendall made for lunch, holding hands. He was feeling a little uncomfortable with being surrounded by other students in such a tightly knitted pack, but holding his boyfriend's hand and feeling him nearby made him feel less overwhelmed and just whelmed.

Kendall eyed his boyfriend with an amused smile, for some strange reason having his backpack on him. "And why's that, beautiful?"

James smiled back, taking in a deep breath. "I always had a different lunch schedule than Shane, he had A while I had B last semester. It was the only time I was free from him; I never ate, since the food here is um...gross, to say the least, but at least I got a chance to breathe even now and again." He explained, leaning more into the dirty blonde as they finally made it down the stairs. He was confused, however, when Kendall began leading him outside.

"Kendy, sweetie are we eating outside?" He asked, Kendall nodding with another smile.

"Yeah. The weather is nice outside, and this place is way too crowded. You need to feel comfortable at all times, beautiful, I'm not risking you suffering a panic attack."

"But what about lunch? I mean, don't you eat school lunch?"

"Nah, I usually just pack something to eat from home. Mom doesn't trust the school food, and frankly neither do I." Kendall said, making a fake gagging noise.

James cracked a bigger smile at this, shaking his head to keep from laughing. "I don't blame you, but then what you are going to eat?"

"The same as you." The pretty boy looked completely lost now, with a raised eyebrow and everything.

"Air?" Kendall laughed.

"No silly, lunch. You'll see, beautiful, promise."

**_-Page Break-_**

When they finally made it outside, it was a pleasant surprise to see that only a few students chose to eat outside today.

Everyone in Sherwood High could choose to either eat in the cafeteria or outside on the grass and stone benches, as long as they didn't leave campus for lunch. Most people chose to eat in the hot, crowded cafeteria but Kendall and James preferred the clear open space and sky outside. It was better, at least to them.

Kendall managed to find a nice stone bench for them to sit on, yet when he led James to it he let go of his head and held up one finger as if to say "Wait" without really verbally saying it. James just stood there, confused and curious, while Kendall slung his backpack off his shoulder and unzipped it.

"Kendy, what are you...?" James was unable to finish his question; Kendall answered it before he could fully get the words together right.

Kendall smiled, unfolding the large, beautiful rainbow blanket and making sure it wouldn't brush against the grass as he spread it over the stone bench. The stone bench's age-worn, hard surface vanished under the thick, soft plush of the blanket; once Kendall deemed it appropriate for his sweet boyfriend, he went and pulled out two homemade sandwiches, two bottles of rich citrus-flavored green tea, and a bag of vanilla-coated pretzels.

He spread out the food as if they were having a small picnic, turning to his stunned into silence lover with a bow and out-stretched hand. "Ready to eat?" He asked with a cute wink.

"I-I...when, how did you...?" James began babbling, tucking his legs under him as he sat down and stared at the food, then Kendall, then at the food again, then back at Kendall again. It was clear he was still confused, but deeply touched by the gesture of the other.

Kendall chuckled at his boyfriend's cuteness and unwrapped one of the sandwiches, holding it up to James' soft lips. "Okay, I lied to you this morning when I said my car wouldn't start so that was why I was a little late coming to get you. I know you don't eat during school hours, and Dr. X said you need to get into the habit of doing so; I'm not letting you starve yourself because of a crazy idea that you're not at the 'perfect' weight. Beautiful, you don't need to change the way that you look, that goes for body shape too. You're wonderful the way you are, beautiful the way you are. So I thought if I made you something, all homemade and with love, you'd feel better about eating during school. Baked chicken sandwich, with spinach, tomato, and lettuce. Sweet citrus-flavored green tea, really good for the skin I heard and not too cold, not too hot. And for dessert, pretzels dipped in vanilla because I know you prefer vanilla over chocolate. I sometimes do too, so I think we'll like lunch at school for like the first time ever. I'm sorry I lied to you, Jamie, really I am but I really wanted this to be a surprise." Kendall said this all in one breath, James' eyes narrowing as he took the sandwich from him and took a bite.

He chewed slowly, as if contemplating forgiveness, before he swallowed. Kendall waited nervously in silence for about three minutes, before James gave him a smile.

"Well I have to hand it to you, you make great sandwiches." The dirty blonde sighed in relief at this, yet he smiled sheepishly.

"So I'm forgiven?" James leaned over, careful not to squish anything, and pressed a kiss to Kendall's lips sweetly, softly. He pulled away with a seemingly innocent smile; Kendall was a blushing mess though, heart racing in a fast yet not unpleasant way.

"I don't believe in those mushy fairy tales, but I do believe in you and me." Was all the brunette said, somewhat quoting a song he liked. Kendall stared at him for what seemed like an eternity, before he let out a laugh and wiped the corner of James' mouth with a napkin, popping a pretzel into his mouth.

"I swear, you're amazing."

"Says the guy who made me lunch."

"Hey, I'm your best friend/boyfriend. It's my job to make you feel happy, cared for, and safe at all times. As long as you're happy, I'm happy." Kendall said, tone suddenly serious.

He wasn't joking. He deeply cared about James; he may not be ready to say the L-word yet, but he was sure he was slowly feeling that way towards the other boy. His feelings ran deeper than simple attraction.

James felt his heat pick up pace, cheeks going a rosy red. 'I'm so not use to being treated like a prince, yet he makes it seem as if I deserve it.'

"You do, Jamie. You do deserve to be treated like a prince; you said that out loud." Kendall pointed out, chuckling to himself when James' pink blush grew red.

"I was speaking out loud? It's the first time I do that..."

"Well you were obviously thinking it, but also said it out loud. Heh, you look so cute right now."

"Oh shut it, Kendy." James retorted weakly. He reached out and stroked Kendall's cheek though, expression soft. Kendall blushed under the intense look, placing his hand over the brunette's though and pressing kisses to his knuckles.

'The way he looks at me...God, he's so beautiful. He can't be real, this has to be a dream.' Kendall thought. Yet the way his heart always stopped and raced faster when James looked at him, when they kissed, everything was real enough to not be a dream. He wasn't dreaming, he literally had such an amazing, loving, generous angel for a boyfriend.

"You know...my life hasn't been so terrible after all." James said; it sounded random, considering it had nothing to do with their previous conversation, but somehow the dirty blonde knew where he was getting at.

"Really, how so?" James smiled, yet there were soft tears in his eyes. They weren't tears of pain, though.

"Because if my life really was terrible, then I wouldn't be smiling right now. I wouldn't be happy, because can my life really be that bad if...if you're here with me?" He asked, pressing the hand that his charm bracelet clung to to his chest lovingly, soft hazel-green eyes practically staring into Kendall's soul.

"I kind of wish I didn't had to wait so long for you, Kendall..." James added, one tear escaping.

Kendall kissed that lone tear away though, cupping James' face. "Sometimes...very good things come to those who wait." At this James laughed, nodding.

"Yeah, it's a hellish truth but still a truth." Kendall laughed along with him, pressing their foreheads together gently.

"Well I know you were worth waiting for, too."

"K-Kendall..."

"James."

**_-Page Break-_**

He couldn't believe this! Logan could not believe his eyes, even when he blinked like fifteen times!

What were those two doing?! Why were they kissing, looking at each other as if they were just married and on honeymoon?!

'What the hell?!' Logan couldn't hold it back; jealously coursed through him like a drug, he stomping over to figure out what the hell was going on.

"What the hell are you two doing?!"

**_-Page Break-_**

"What the hell are you two doing?!" James and Kendall broke their kiss in a jump, looking up to see Logan fuming over them. His expression was angry, yet his deep mocha brown eyes only shined with immense hurt.

Kendall racked his brain, trying to something to say to calm Logan down but James beat him to the punch. The way he did, though, wasn't exactly friendly.

"Well we're kissing, Logan. It's what couples do." The pretty boy replied with a shrug, trying his best to look indifferent. Kendall could see his heart was breaking on the inside, even if he didn't show it.

Logan looked shocked, eyes wide and jaw dropping; he was quick to shake his head and recompose himself, eyes darting between the blonde and brunette, the two, in his eyes, who were betraying him. "W-what are you saying, James? Wait...y-you and Kendall are a couple?"

"Yeah, Kendall is my boyfriend."

"Since when?!"

"We've been together for about a week and a half now, Logan." James wasn't giving Kendall any chance to step in. This was between him and Logan; he wanted them to be friends again, but not if the raven was going to get all hostile with him and Kendall because of their relationship.

"B-but how?!" At this question, James' facial expression darkened.

"I found out something I didn't like, something that broke my heart. Kendall was there though and made everything better, now...now my heart isn't as broken." James said slowly, taking a deep breath. It hurt to talk about Logan's little secret, heck even think about it, but if he wanted to move on then he had to face what scared and hurt him. His mom always said that running away from your problems only made them worse, not solve them.

Logan looked vivid now. "So you just let him take advantage of you and kiss you?!"

"Now see here, Logan. Kendall didn't kiss me; I kissed him. I kissed him first, I have always felt something for him and I acted on it okay? I kissed him because I really like him, and he likes me back so we're together. We're together and very happy, he's made me very h-happy so please let's talk this out without a shouting match."

"Wait, he likes you back? Kendall, you KNOW I wanted to get back together with James!" Now Logan was turning the heat on the dirty blonde.

Kendall took a deep breath, bright bottle green eyes fierce. "Logan, I know you still care about James and I stood in the sidelines this whole time, so you can be with him...but I-I care about him too. I care about him, and it was his choice. I didn't take advantage of him, at any point of our friendship. I've been here for him from the very beginning. I'll admit I just saw him as a friend at first, a best friend but m-my feelings have changed, Logan. I really care about him, he's more than just my best friend now." He began, taking James' hand in his. Logan cut him off though, looking torn.

"But you knew I wanted to get James back, that I still LOVE him! Y-you betrayed me, you went after the boy I love! You two don't belong together, at all! You guys have no history, you're complete opposites, everything! You shouldn't be together, you're not good for him! Heck, you're not good for each other!"

"Logan, please be reasonable here! You and me are best friends!" Kendall protested.

"Stop." James said. The two didn't hear him, though.

"Best friends? Ha, what best friend stabs another in the back, Ken? You stabbed me in the back; you were falling for someone you KNEW was off-limits! Bros don't date each other's exs!" Logan snapped back.

"Stop." James said a little louder. It wasn't loud enough to be heard by the two arguing friends.

"I didn't stab you in the back, Logan! I had no idea I'd fall for James, but I did and I-I don't regret it! I didn't mean to hurt you, but I care about James! He means the world to me, why can't you understand that?!"

"Because you knew he was my ex, yet you still went after him! That makes you a backstabber, Kendall!"

"Stop!" James finally had it, Kendall and Logan staring at him, shocked at his outburst.

"Enough, stop it with the stupid rivalry already! Logan, stop please! Listen to me, I care a LOT about Kendall! I c-care a lot about him, and how can you say we're not good for each other?! He's been here the whole time, even when I was unconscious in the hospital! Y-you don't know anything about us, Logan. You don't know about how we'd spend the nights just talking, you don't know how I-I feel safe with him, you don't know what Kendall has done to me! What he's done to my heart, for my heart! I-I feel happy again, I feel like I'm valuable for the first time in FOUR years! He's made me feel so many things I haven't for so long, so don't you dare say he's not good for me and vice-versa! He lo-cares about me, and it's only getting stronger! You know what, I'm Kendall Knight's boyfriend! I'm his, and he's mine! He is my boyfriend and he's made me so happy in the last month! First as my best friend, and now as my boyfriend! Besides, he's never lied to me like you! You had that kiss with Dak. You pulled away but never told me, just kept it as a 'dirty little secret'! Yeah Logan, I know the truth and I don't hate you, I could never, but I want to be with Kendall! I want to be with him and if you can't accept that...then it will hard for us to be friends again! I want us to be friends again, but we can't if you can't accept Kendall for who he is now: my boyfriend." James said that all in one breath, his tone final.

Logan looked between Kendall and James before he rolled his eyes and stalked away, shoulders tight and posture stiff.

"J-James, I'm sorry I-" Kendall began apologizing when James threw his arms around his neck and pressed their lips together in a deep, passionate kiss.

The shorter boy was taken back from the intensity and surprise of the kiss, but responded after a few minutes, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's slender waist.

"W-what...?" Now Kendall was the one lost for words.

"I'm not sorry. I know I was mean to Logan, but...but I'm not sorry for being with you! I-I care about you, and Mom always said to follow my heart. My heart is telling me that I want to be with you; it's telling me that I want to be with you, and only you." James whispered, their noses brushing as they took the chance to breathe.

"I want to be with you. Logan is...is jealous of us, that's it. But never once has it ever felt this right to be with someone; whatever I'm feeling for you, Kendall, is growing every day. Logan says we're not good for each other but...I think we are. He doesn't know how my heart races when I'm with you. He doesn't know how I feel like smiling all the time when around you. He doesn't know that you keep me grounded, that I'm not as scared of Shane like I use to be thanks to you. He doesn't know anything about us, Kendall. And if I have to choose between him and you...I choose you. Yes, he was my best friend first and he will always be my first love...but you, you are the one I want to be with, not him. I love him, but only as a brother now. I don't feel the same way for him as I do for you, and I don't care. I don't care what he says, he doesn't a thing about you and me." James hugged Kendall tightly, burying his face into his shoulder.

Kendall sighed and squeezed James tighter, closer to him, breathing in the sweet smell of his hair.

"I feel the same way, James. And I promise I'll try my best to make sure you and Logan don't lose your friendship, but I don't want to give you up either."

'Right now, I don't care if Logan hates me. I just want you, Kendall, only you...'


	30. They Don't Know About Us Pt 3

Yolo! Turns out my classes don't start until tomorrow...so yeah, I feel a little dumb for coming back to uni. early. But, my dorm room is clean, I have my schedule, know where my classes are, got my binders and stuff together so yay free day! However, since I'm starting classes again I will say this: updates to my two current stories will probably take time to be put up. Sorry everyone, but school always comes first for me! I hope everyone understands my reasoning for possible late or lack of updates, I will try to update when my work load isn't too much these next few months okay? But enough of that now right, time for a new chapter! There's more Kames fluff in this and a surprise at the end! This chapter's end will set off a chain of events, hope everyone enjoys that! So thank you to those supporting me, I totally appreciate you all and salute you like the superhero that I admire! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wish I did, so I can talk to them and hear them sing in person! :) Sorry if this chapter was short, but the ending should get people thinking!**

* * *

James loved all his classes of his final semester of high school. However, if he had to choose an absolute favorite then it would be gym.

Don't get him wrong, he loved art and had a knack for photography (he's taken it since freshman year) but he loved just being able to run, work-out, anything physical and actually get points for doing it. He also loved doing anything physical, from swimming and surfing to mountain climbing and hiking; he wasn't able to do much of that thanks to Shane, but James never let himself go. He was still built like a beginner weightlifter, but months of restrained exercise have made him more slender.

He was ready to get back in the game, and with his leg now healed he can push himself to the limits.

"Keep it up, Diamond! I'm thinking about recruiting you to the track team!" The coach bellowed with a pride smirk, yet James was more focused on his breathing and his speed.

Like any regular gym class, he had to change from his school outfit to a pair of dark blue shorts and a gray t-shirt, the uniform so to say for the class. He had made to remove any chain necklaces he had on (he didn't remove his charm bracelet, though) and did full yoga stretches to get his muscles loose enough. Today, the class was mostly just doing laps around the track, though the goal was to do fifteen in under thirty-five minutes. To some teens that seemed like too much hassle, but to James it was a challenge.

It was a challenge, and he deep down always loved challenges. He was on his eight lap right now, with still fourteen minutes on his side.

'Even if I don't make it, I still love doing this!' He thought with a laugh out loud, Kendall not too far behind.

Said blonde smiled at hearing his boyfriend's cute laugh, taking a deep breath and picking up his pace until they were neck-in-neck.

"Nice work Knight, looks you like got some competition, Diamond!" The coach added as he blew his whistle for the third time since the class started.

"I take it you're enjoying the run, beautiful?" Kendall managed between light pants. James smiled in spite of the hot, sticky sweat messing up his hair, nodding in return.

"When I run, it feels like I can escape whatever is bothering me and be free. Well that how I saw it before, but now...I just run to be like the Flash. I love running!" He said that last part in a joyful burst of energy. Kendall laughed.

"That's great, you have fun with this beautiful. Just make sure you don't push yourself too hard, okay? You're still recovering from the collapsed lung." The dirty blonde reminded his boyfriend as the crossed the main, white line again. Now they were on their ninth lap.

"O-okay, always looking out for me aren't you?" James said with a wink. Kendall winked back, his making James blushing a bright red.

"And I'll look out for you forever, beautiful. Remember that. Now...time to out-race you!" With that Kendall picked up his pace again, James watching in slight awe as the shorter boy practically left a trail of flames behind him.

"Hey, you're not going to get away from me that easily!" James shouted at his back, smirking at the idea of another challenge. Kendall laughed again, turning his head a bit to glance back.

"You're on then, beautiful! Come and get me!"

"You're going to regret ever saying that, Kendy!"

**_-Page Break-_**

The boys were glad to shower and get changed back into their clothes once gym was over and school was done for the day. They made sure their bags were packed, that they didn't forget anything before walking, holding hands, to Kendall's car in the parking lot. They didn't have to worry about homework; the classes they had didn't give any, most of the work needed to be done during class.

"I can't believe you beat me." James said playfully, elbowing his blonde boyfriend in the side. Kendall smiled and pressed a soft kiss to the brunette's left cheek, rubbing his knuckles in a soothing fashion.

"Hey, you came after me in like two seconds. It was a tie, at best." Kendall pointed out. James rolled his eyes and laughed.

"Still, you're pretty fast for someone so short."

"Hey, I'm only like two inches shorter than you at best! We can still meet each other's eyes without me having to look up at you!" James smiled.

"I know, I just like teasing you is all. Are you mad at me, Kendy?" He asked, pulling out his famous pout and blinking his eyes slowly, said eyes looking like those of a kick puppy.

Kendall felt his face heat up and his heart begin to race, bright green eyes wide at how innocent, how cute yet seductive his boyfriend looked right now.

'Can he even see how beautiful he looks right now?!' Kendall blushed harder at this, shaking his head and cupping the pretty boy's face between his hands.

"I can never be mad at you, Jamie. You're my baby, my beautiful Ice Prince. Besides even I tried to get mad with you, one blink of those eyes and I'm over it." Kendall whispered, looking deep into those amazing, soft hazel-green eyes.

James' face broke out into a blush at the sweet, loving words yet he smiled back and pressed their foreheads together. "And you are my Knight in shining armor, Kendy." He managed to whisper back before their lips met in a soft, slow kiss.

One of things that Kendall liked, James too, was that when they kissed it was like the world vanished around them. It wasn't followed by a cliche fireworks or spark, but a soft and warm, tangible feeling in both their stomachs.

The way their arms would find each other's bodies, hug each other close as if protecting each other from the evils of the world. It was a wonderful feeling, a safe spot in the world.

And everyone knew how they needed a safe spot in the world, James especially. He's been craving a safe spot since he was fourteen.

The couple soon had to break apart when James felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. With an apologetic glance at Kendall, he pulled out his phone and was quick answer.

"Hello? Yes, what's wrong? W-wait...what? Okay, I'll be right there!"

"James, what's wrong? Is everything okay?" Kendall asked, quick to wrap his arms around James' waist; the poor brunette looked like he was about to collapse.

James' eyes were wide, a hand over his heart as tears filled his eyes.

"T-that was Doctor Griffin." Kendall froze, the worst thoughts filling his head.

"W-what's wrong, are you alright?! Did he say something about your health?!"

"N-no..." James managed behind his tears, breathing uneven.

"T-then what is it? Honey please tell me, you're scaring me!"

"It's...i-it's my mom. S-she, is awake..."


	31. Losing Grip

Double the updating, yay! I felt bad about putting just up one chapter, so this is a Logan-centered chapter but it's a chapter nonetheless right? Please enjoy! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! Sadly, now I will stare at my BTR posters and cry in my emo corner! :'( Also, italics in this chapter stand for flashbacks! Past Jagan in this chapter, just a warning! Again, sorry if this was short but the lengthy parts are saved for the next chapter!**

* * *

_"Oh Logie-Bear, why so early?" James, at the time thirteen, groaned as he sat up and rubbed Sandy's sand out of his eyes._

_He was caught off guard however when a plate of freshly-made pancakes with a nice glass of orange juice on a tray was worked onto his lap, all the while Logan smiling at him with a flushed face and big, happy mocha brown eyes._

_"Y-you made me breakfast?" James asked, facial expression puzzled. Logan nodded, pressing a soft kiss to James' mouth._

_"You studied so hard for our math test, heck you stayed up through all our whole tutoring session and managed a low B! I'm really, really proud of you, Jamie and so...I thought I make breakfast this time." The smart raven responded, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly._

_He was surprised when James leaned over and embraced him with a kiss of his own, the taller boy pulling away with a sweet, shy smile on his pale lips._

_"Thank you, Logie. You're always looking out for me."_

_"Well I'm your boyfriend, Jamie. I have to, it's part of my job." Logan said with a more broader smile. James didn't look completely satisfied, though._

_"Still, you do so much for me...I feel like you do more in our relationship than I do." He whispered, yet was silenced with another kiss from Logan, this one more assuring than the last._

_"Trust me, as long as we're happy together then that's all that matters to me. I love you, James." James' eyes watered, yet his smile made it clear they were tears of joy._

_"I-I love you too, Logan."_

**_-Page Break-_**

_"So, what are you doing?" James asked his raven-haired boyfriend as he snuggled more into his lap, Logan typing away at his iPad._

_Logan smiled and kissed the top of James' head, feeling all warm inside when James' face turned a bright red. Usually it took a lot for the pretty boy to blush, but when it came to Logan it happened naturally._

_"Just doing some reading, you know on neuroscience. I've gotten pretty interested in the subject lately, so I've been raiding all the websites I can find about it." Logan explained with a light shrug, James looking up at him confused._

_"Exactly what is neuroscience, or will it have a very complex and difficult definition that I won't grasp?" He asked. He didn't have to look at Logan's sheepish look to know the latter was right._

_"Well, we can do something together. I've been ignoring you, sorry."_

_"It's okay, Logie-Bear. I'm actually kind of sleepy; you can go back to your neuroscience thingy, but you have to let me use you as a pillow. You're very comfortable." James said as he snuggled closer to the shorter boy._

_Logan made a face, sticking his tongue out. "Do I really have a choice?"_

_"Nope. Love you Logie, goodnight." James said through a yawn and sleepy smile; he was quick to steal a kiss from Logan's unsuspecting lips before pulling his blanket over him and snuggling into Logan's lap for warmth._

_Logan rolled his eyes and sighed, yet his expression read love and adoration. "Love you too, Jamie. Sweet dreams."_

_"If you're in them, then they will be."_

**_-Page Break-_**

_"Y-you promise?" James looked skeptical._

_It wasn't that he didn't trust Logan, but he's been let down before._

_His father cheated on his mom, had another woman behind her back. Sure Connie's cool and all, but it was still wrong; if he didn't want to be with her and their sons anymore, all he had to do was say so and not have this big secret that in the end torn the Diamond family apart. From there James learned to hate secrets. They ruined everything, that and lies. He hated when people lie to him; it was hard for him already to trust someone, he didn't need all that hard work to be broken._

_Logan looked at him, a bit surprised. "Of course James, I promise! I-I would never hurt you, sweetheart, I love you! I can picture us getting married and having a nice and kids of our own, Jamie believe me when I say the only person I'd would want to spend the rest of my life with is you! Jamie, I love you. Please, please believe me..." He whispered, frown deepening as tears streamed down the pretty boy's face._

_"I-I know you won't hurt me, but I saw my mom with a broken heart. She didn't d-deserve it, and I don't ever want to feel what she felt at learning about...Connie. I saw how that tore her up, and I don't want that. I know you won't hurt me, but the fear is still there, Logan."_

_Now Logan knew James was a hundred percent serious about this, because he rarely used his name. He always used pet names; it was the pretty boy's way of showing affection other than through kisses and hugs._

_The sad look in his wet, angry red-rimmed hazel-green eyes however did not have an ounce of playfulness in it._

_"James Dylan Diamond, I promise I won't break your heart. I promise."_

'And yet, he breaks mine.' Logan thought as he drove home, dried tear tracks glistening against his pale vanilla cheeks.

How the hell did this happen? Since when did James have an interest in Logan's best friend, Kendall? Sure he saw they were pretty close, but dating? They were so different, how could they think of going out when their polar opposite personalities will in the end just make them try to kill each other? And Kendall...he knew James was Logan's ex and yet he still went after him!

'That goes against the guy code! It took me years to finally get it, but I know it back and forth now and it is REALLY against the guy code! And James, Jamie why would you choose him over me? What's makes him so special, everywhere that I apparently can't be? I mean we're both down-to-earth guys, we both care about the same guy, what makes us so different?! What is about Kendall that James loves so much!?'

Logan had to park in some random neighborhood and cut off his car's engine, leaning his head against the steering wheel. There is no way he can drive while incapacitated like this. If he keeps thinking about James, he'll feel his heart race; if he thinks about James WITH Kendall, he'll speed straight into a tree or something.

He just couldn't believe he was losing his ex to his so-called best friend.

Yeah, so called best friend. What friend goes after his friend's ex-boyfriend behind his back and then try to pull it off as it was nothing? Obviously the only person who was hurt here was Logan, even though he felt terrible at knowing that James knew about his kiss with Dak Zevon freshman year.

'If only I had a chance to just explain it all to him...' Logan was interrupted by his phone vibrating in his pocket, he undoing the lock and pressing the call button.

"Hello? Yeah, Kelly what is it? Yeah, right...what?! I-I'll be right there!" Logan kept the conversation short as he restarted his truck's engine and made a sharp turn to the right.

He had to the hospital, now; James' mom...she was finally awake.


	32. Bleed (I must be dreaming)

Wow, so tired. Oh hey, everyone! Sorry, I'm not going to say much today since I'm drained but enjoy the new chapter! Thank you everyone, for being so understanding of me being back in college! I'm sorry for the short chapters lately, like this one, but they'll get longer hopefully over the weekend! School takes a lot of me. Thank you, shutting up now! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wished I did though, then I'd hug the life out of them! :)**

* * *

"Auntie!" James shouted, he and Kendall scrambling to halt their sprint as they finally made it to his mother's hospital room.

Said woman had her head ducked, shoulders shaking violently as if a small storm was raging inside her. Kelly gasped and looked up to see her nephew's hopeful, wide hazel-green eyes; a dreadful sinking sensation entered her stomach.

'Oh God, no...' She thought, soon grabbing James' shoulders to...stop from entering the room.

"A-auntie, what's wrong? Please move, I n-need to see my mom!" James exclaimed, Kendall however able to catch on to the facial expression of pure agony and pain now crossing Kelly's face.

'Something's wrong.' He thought, fearing the worst now.

"S-sweetie, there's something you need to know." Kelly began, Jen and Katie appearing with the same forlorn look in their usually bright, warm eyes.

"W-what is it, Auntie? Why are you crying, Mom's awake! Mom's awake, s-she's back!" James tried to make sense of his dear aunt's strange behavior. He turned to Mama Knight, hoping for some peace. His heart started to ache though when he saw the tall, red-haired woman shared the same aura of dread.

"Mama Knight...?"

"M-mom, what's going on?" Kendall asked this time, instincts making him wrap an arm protectively around James' waist.

Jen bit her lower lip, unable to say anything as a sob broke from her lips. Katie, seeing that she was the only one with a shred of composure still intact, sighed and looked up into James' eyes.

He saw held back tears in those usually grinning chocolate brown eyes.

"I-I think...you should find out yourself, what's wrong. Logan's in there with her, and I'm sure he's just in shock as you will be." James' eyes widened at this.

He wasn't surprised, or upset, that Logan was here. He had a feeling Auntie called him because she had no idea the two had fought in school. She wanted to get everyone all gathered around for the big news, that Brooke Diamond has finally awaken from her four-year coma.

But this was great news, so why was everyone acting as Hell just broke loose?

"O-okay...?" James said, clasping hands with Kendall. He was silently saying for both of them to see his mom; he didn't want to face whatever bad news was awaiting him without his boyfriend.

Kendall removed his arm from around James' waist and squeezed his hand lightly, nodding in consent.

With shaky hands and a weak glance back at Katie, Mama Knight, and Auntie Kelly, James grasped the knob in his free hand and pushed hard against the wood.

**_-Page Break-_**

"Logan?" Said raven turned with large, wet mocha brown eyes towards James and Kendall.

He didn't look cross at seeing them together, heck didn't give a damn at the moment that they were holding hands. He looked paler than normal, shaky and tears glistened down his cheeks.

He looked as if someone just told him his best friend died.

"J-James..." Logan managed to choke out before he stepped aside, away from Brooke's bed.

James took in his mother, tears breaking free down his cheeks.

His mother was moving. She was blinking her eyes, looking around her; she was even sitting up, looking a bit disgusted at the fake hospital food on a tray in front of her. Even with four years she still looked the same: wide hazel eyes that had more brown than green, chocolate brown hair in a pretty pixie cut, straight white teeth that cautiously chewing away at the eggs on her plate, high cheekbones and thick, fluttery eyelashes.

She was beautiful awake, more so than asleep.

Yet Kendall knew something was terribly wrong. It was not in her facial expression, which was filled with child-like curiosity, but in her eyes. Her eyes...there was no emotion; they were cold stones of amber, as if...as if...

'She was looking at a total stranger.' That thought alone made a chill run down Kendall's spine, a chill James didn't catch because he ran up to his mother the moment the door closed behind them and embraced her in a big, tight hug.

"M-Momma!" Was all he could make out through his heavy tears, tears of joy though, and the shaking racking his whole frame. He buried his face into her left shoulders, tears staining her paper-thin gown, while her arms lightly but gently touched his lower back.

"Oh no..." Logan whispered, yet Kendall's sharp ears heard him. Another chill ran down the dirty blonde's spine, this one harder and colder than the first.

Logan suspected it, too.

"Oh Momma, I-I missed you! Oh thank God, you're here! I-I've been dreaming of this day for four years!" James babbled over and over, laughing through his sobs as he pulled away and took in his mom's beautiful, confused face.

'Wait, confused? Why does she look like that, isn't she h-happy to see me?' His thoughts suddenly went dark, millions of ideas running through his head.

Had she heard about Shane, did she catch everything said around her and...hated him too? Did she hold disgust, anger towards him, wishing like his dad that he wasn't her son? Did she love Shane over him, did she see him as nothing more than a gross, waste of life?

'N-no, please Momma. I can handle Dad hating me, but not y-you...' James thought, swallowing hard as he pulled away from her and sat down at her side.

"D-did I make you uncomfortable?" At this Brooke smiled; it was all wrong though, because it didn't touch her eyes.

"Well of course now, dear. I'm just wondering why I'm getting a hug is all, ha!" She said, running a hand through her hair. James wrinkled his nose.

"W-what do you mean?"

"Well, it's not every day you get a hug from a stranger. Boy didn't your mom tell you not to talk to strangers, much less hug them? I mean you give warm hugs, but it's still not right." She went on, counting on her fingers for some reason.

'Oh no.' Both Kendall and Logan thought, the sinking feeling in their stomachs now reaching for their hearts.

"S-stranger? You mean...you don't k-know w-who I a-a-am?" James' voice was going dead now, tears running faster and boiling hot down his cheeks.

His chest felt empty now, hallow and numb. He couldn't feel anything below the neck.

Brooke quirked a slender brow, tilting her head to the side. "No, son I don't. Should I?"

And that was the last straw. James couldn't take it; everything went black as he collapsed to the floor.


	33. Save Yourself Pt 1

Yolo! It's time for this story to be updated, finally thank God! Man, this first week back to classes was draining, but I have a three-day weekend to recover from the four-day school week! Yay, freedom! Oh yeah, thank God Almighty! But now, onward to 'Love the Way You Lie' and its newest chapter! I decided to update today instead of tomorrow, Friday, since I have a little bit of homework I want to get out of the way, so here it is. In this chapter, I introduce a new player in this wild game of cat-and-mouse (because we all know Shane isn't done just yet!). He plays a big role in the story too; he comes in what seems like a random moment to put him in in the story, but all will be explained later on, I promise! Now, onward to the aftermath of the previous chapter! I feel so bad for torturing James so much...! Anyway, thanks to winterschild11 for reviewing, much appreciated and you're right: James' mom waking up with no memory of him is heartbreaking! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! If I did...wow I'd be the happiest girl on the planet! :)**

* * *

James woke up from a world of darkness. His soft hazel-green eyes felt heavy and his head throbbed as if he was attacked with a hammer to the skull. His chest throbbed too, though from a non-physical ache, as he sat up and tried to make sense of his blurry vision.

White walls, bright white lights. He was in a hospital room, on a bed. He wasn't wearing a paper-thin gown, so he was brought here but why?

'Wait, I fainted. I fainted because...b-because Mom doesn't remember who I am.' That thought alone made the brunette's eyes water.

Tears streamed down his cheeks, a soundless sob escaping his parted lips.

His mom, his own mother didn't remember him. She birthed him, she held him first, she fucking loved him first before anyone else and she didn't remember him! She didn't remember his face, his name, his scent! Nothing, everything about him was a blank to her!

What kind of mother doesn't remember her own child, the baby she carried for nine months and loved and nurtured the moment she learned about him?

'S-she never loved me! My own mother, Momma you...you l-left me! You're not back, you never came back! Why, why, w-why didn't you come back?! Do you hate me so much that you didn't want to remember me...or a-are you just playing, so disgusted by me that you want absolutely nothing to do with me?! Am I so insignificant, so unimportant that you didn't hold on to your memories?! W-was I...such a disappointment?'

James had to get out of here, he had to get out of here now. He couldn't stay here; he needed to run away, get away from this living nightmare.

He had to run, he had to escape.

**_-Page Break-_**

"Oh no, Doctor Griffin! Doctor Griffin please hurry, James left!" Nurse Camille screamed down the hall.

She had heard Nurse Jo dropping her clipboard, and had went after her to find out what happened.

Both women were greeted to an empty, Jame-less hospital room. He was gone; the IV they had hook to his arm just in case was ripped on the floor, and the bedroom window had been wrenched open. He must have crawled through and left that way, but it was at least a two-floor drop!

"H-he left..." Was all Nurse Jo could choke out, head spinning as Camille left her side to hunt for the boy's family and Doctor Griffin.

He being alone in the state he was in was not safe! He could hurt himself, or worse!

Or worse, someone could hurt him.

**_-Page Break-_**

It was raining. No, it was pouring; buckets and buckets of ice cold water, falling hard and fast from the dark sky. James kept his head ducked the whole time, the rain turning his hair black and his own tears staining his dark, thin cheeks. His chest felt empty, head throbbing and spinning, whole body shaking yet not from the cold.

He needed to run away, he couldn't take. His whole world was falling apart; his vision was blurry, nothing made sense.

So this is what it felt like, to be numb.

'Damn it, God just kill me now!' James' scream disoriented him, making him lose his footing in the wet concrete. He let out a short yelped that ended in a soft groan of pain, tripping in the dark and landing face down in the middle of an alley.

He wanted to get up; he had to keep running. He wanted to run away; he needed to find a way to feel something, anything. He wanted to stop feeling so numb; it felt like he was drowning but not doing anything to save himself. He was dying while still alive.

'M-momma...' He thought, though he instantly regretted it. A sharp pain entered his torso, ripping him apart from the inside out. He could feel blood leaving him, pouring out of him like a river.

"M-momma..." He choked out, running low on air.

James managed to work himself onto his back but then all his muscles locked. Half of his face was pressed into the muddy, wet dirt, one hand over his chest as if trying to keep everything in one piece while the other was stiff and lifeless under him. His legs were twisted about, eyes half-lidded as he felt a freezing cold overtake him.

'I-I need to sleep, maybe if I sleep...I-I can wake up from this nightmare.' James thought, breathing dangerously low. He closed his eyes and tried to force himself to fall asleep, to never wake up.

"James...!" A voice, it sounded so familiar...

"James!"

'W-who...?' James suddenly felt his body be lifted into a pair of arms, warm and lanky but still strong.

His head rolled his way and that, until his right cheek met a strong, hard chest. The person's heart pounded fast, heavy against his ears. He cringed and wished to move away from the poisoning sound, but the warm sensation surrounding him was too tempting. He didn't want to leave the heat; it was making him less numb.

"James...?" Said brunette coughed but soon his soft hazel-green eyes fluttered open again. A flash of lightening made him whimper and recoil, but that flash of lightening caught a lock of blonde hair.

Dirty blonde hair.

'K-Kendall...?' Only person had that specific shade of blonde hair but...but it didn't feel like Kendall was holding him. When Kendall held him, he'd get a warm fuzzy feeling in his stomach. He was feeling warm inside, and it felt familiar but unfamiliar at the same time too.

As if he was being held by a familiar stranger.

"H-help me..." James begged, the guy decked out in enough clothes to keep warm from the rain.

'Oh James, I'm so sorry...' The stranger thought with a frown, before he carried the brunette away from the alley.

**_-Page Break-_**

'I'll have to take him back to hospital soon...' The stranger thought, unzipping his black hoodie all the way down and pulling it around the sleeping brunette's shoulders.

They were safe from the rain thanks to the bus stop, the sound of pounding rain against the thin roof resembling barely brushed piano keys. They were sitting all curled up together, James' head on the stranger's right shoulder. He was stiff, but his breathing was back to normal after a few rounds of CPR. He was slightly shivering, due to his soaked-to-the-bone clothes, but thanks to the hoodie he wasn't freezing as much.

The stranger crossed his arms to keep warm. He had nothing to fight off the cold apart from his hoodie; all he had on was a gray t-shirt with a strange design in pink and yellow, black skinny jeans, a pair of black Vans and bracelets around his slender wrists. He had thick dark blonde eyebrows, a head of dirty blonde hair and bright, deep green eyes. His nose was blunt at the end, lips full and a light pink yet he was fairly good-looking. He was thin, skinny but with some muscle to him all the same. He was tall, but a few inches shorter than James when standing up.

He looked just like...

He felt James move against him, a groan leaving his perfect lips but he remained in a dreamless sleep. "M-momma..." He whispered, dry sobs leaving him.

The stranger's facial features softened and he wrapped an arm around the trembling brunette, sighing to himself.

'If I had known earlier everything he said about you was a lie, I would have stayed in jail. I would have never agreed to this, James. I'm sorry.' The stranger felt conflicted.

He broke out of jail to get to James, because of what he heard about him from his best friend. He had this idea of a sick, manipulative, twisted bastard but after watching James for some time, after seeing just how selfless and truly beautiful the other boy was...he now wished he never agreed to this.

The stranger reached out with a pale, thin and warm hand to brush a few stray, wet locks from the angelic boy's face; he subconsciously snuggled into the other's palm, unintelligible mumbles escaping him.

'You're not sick and twisted, are you? You're...very beautiful, an angel with a haunted heart. I saw what you've been through, the videos, everything. You were hurt so badly, I'm sorry for everything.' The stranger had a necklace on, it was hard to tell what it was of due to the dark sky above but it shined in the streaks of light cutting through the cloud.

'I'm a bad person, straight from Hell but you...I can't hurt you.' James mumbled a certain person's name, gripping tight to the stranger's arm.

He said Kendall.

'He wants his boyfriend.' A surge of jealously entered the stranger, who was just a teenage boy himself too. He was seventeen, only a few months younger than James. He didn't go to his school though, he use to be home schooled before landing himself in jail for killing his abusive bastard of a father during a heated fight. He was charged for murder and was to serve five years max, and he broke out with one year fulfilled. He was sixteen a year ago; he spent his birthday in a jail cell.

He was jealous, jealous that James wanted Kendall.

'I guess the whole love at first sight thing isn't just a myth after all...but can I really love you? I'm not...squeaky clean with the law, and I'm always doing something wrong. Can I really hurt you now, just to play it for him? The right thing to do would be to walk from you right now, to take you back to the hospital and I will, but will the chance of being this close to you ever come up again?'

The strange teenage boy soon pressed a light kiss to James' mouth, quick to pull away but making it last at the same so that he could still feel the brush of their mouths even when he pulled away.

'He's so beautiful...'

"Ugh...K-Kendall..." James went on mumbling, yet fatigue kept his eyes closed. The teenage boy, the dirty blonde with green eyes, sighed again before he scooped the taller, older boy into his arms.

'Okay, I'll do it.' He thought with a slight mental growl.

"I'll take you back to him." He whispered out loud, leaving the bus stop with James curled up in his warm, protective embrace.

**_-Page Break-_**

"James is back!"

Kelly, Jen, Katie and Logan watched in awe as Kendall held a soaked-to-the-bone James to him, tears streaming down his pale cheeks.

Nurse Camille had been the one to announce the brunette's reappearance, reappearance to the room where they had set him up at after he fainted.

"O-oh God, Jamie...!" Kendall whispered, hugging the other close.

"K-Ken...don't leave."

"It's okay baby, I'm here. Don't ever fucking leave like that again, okay? But it's okay, everything is alright. You're safe, shhh it's okay..." Kendall replied to his boyfriend's weak plea, rocking him back and forth in comfort on his lap as they rested on the bed.

"W-who?" Logan asked.

"H-how did he...?" Katie asked.

"Someone brought him back. S-someone saved my baby..." Kelly noted, Jen nodding in agreement as Nurse Camille and Doctor Griffin swarmed about James and Kendall like bees to honey.

"But who? Did someone recognize James? And how did that person know the room he was in before running out?" Jen asked, feeling a mixture of relief that James was safe and sound and fear that some creeper had been stalking the poor boy.

No one could answer their questions, well apart from the person who brought James back but the stranger was gone. The nurse at the front desk didn't even see anyone come in with an unconscious James, and the security cameras caught nothing either.

It was a like a ghost brought him back.

And they didn't know what was more chilling: that James was saved by a complete stranger, or that no one saw he/she come in and out of the hospital.

**_-Page Break-_**

The mysterious teenage boy took his good damn time leaving the hospital behind, careful not to be seen by anybody passing by. He kept his head ducked, shoulders hunched over and hands in his worn jeans pockets, yet when it was safe he lifted his head.

A mop of dirty blonde hair, long enough to barely brush his eyes, a few locks in his eyes which were a bright, vibrant green. He looked tired, haunted and guilty.

Haunted by his past, guilty that he would have to go after James.

'This won't be the last time I see you, James.' A flash of lightening filled the sky again, thunder booming hard.

The flash of lightening exposed his face before the dark could claim it.

The stranger with dirty blonde hair, bushy eyebrows and deep green eyes...looked just like Kendall Knight.


	34. Everything You Want

Yolo! It's Friday, finally! Well, I do have some homework over this long weekend (Monday off, awesome sauce!) and my mom is coming to visit me on campus tomorrow (Yeah, Mama coming for daughter-mother bonding!) so I decided to double update 'Love the Way You lie'. I will update 'They Don't Know You' tomorrow, but maybe after Mom leaves, okay? I've been back on campus for like a week, but I miss my mommy! Yeah, I'm a child at heart but it's okay because she knows that already and she loves me for it! Well, the recent surprise last chapter I'm sure made people scratch their heads in confusion because, Kendall has a look-alike. Not a cousin or blood relative, but he's a look-alike and believe it or not he plays a really important role in the story. Next chapter will be hurt/comfort Kames I promise, but I think this mysterious look-alike deserves a chapter to himself. Anyway, thank you to those who reviewed! I'm glad I added a twist and thank God I did not upset anyone, this chapter should clear things up a little bit about Kendall's look-alike! Thank you again, and enjoy! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I wish I did though, to meet Kendall! I love his band with Dustin; I listened to some of their songs and they are crashing the mode! I only wish they would make an official album! :)**

* * *

His name, was Shay Hanson.

As a child, he's only known his father. His mother died when he was really little and he had no brothers and sisters. He had no memory of his late mother, just painful memories of his bastard of a father who was now most likely burning in Hell.

Shay Hanson murdered his father. Well, he did it in an act of self-defense but the jury found him guilty and sentenced him to five years max to Sherwood's small, creep-infested jail. He was tried as an adult, despite the fact he was sixteen the year he killed his father. He only completed one year; if he had stayed instead of breaking out, he would probably have gotten the remaining four suspended. He would have been out on parole, probably.

He didn't know the law very well. That was what he guessed would have happened to him, if he had been good boy and stayed in his cell.

But he was out now; he couldn't linger on the past. What's done is done, no going back now.

What he needed to focus on right now, was how to get to James.

Shay dreaded that, so much.

He was hiding out in empty Diamond mansion. He had found the spare key under the welcome mat like Shane said and made himself at home. Everything was still working and there was food in the fridge in case he got hungry, a warm bed to sleep in and privacy when using the bathroom. Despite no one living here for almost a month, James' parents (well his dad and step-mom, since his biological mom was in the hospital) still paid for the expenses and bills of the house. They had to come back to something when they were done doing business out of the country.

And what they would come back to, was an empty house with dark and bitter memories.

When he first agreed to this, he had thought James was the bad guy. Shane had played on his emotions, making him believe that he was put away unfairly too. He made his twin brother seem like a sick, twisted sociopath when in reality...James wasn't a sociopath.

He was...he was...

'He was beautiful...no, he is beautiful. And I have to get to him.' Shay thought, slumping down to the carpet floor.

He had taken residence in James' room. It was a nice room: soft creme-colored walls, a white carpet with a rather large single bed. The curtains, a dark blue, were drawn to keep the moonlight from seeping into the room, the walls were decorated with family photos and framed poems and song lyrics written by the brunette himself. He had a desk in a corner, one he most likely did homework at before leaving this place behind, and a large mirror inside the closet. His chest of drawers and dresser, made of dark brown wood, have collected dust from days of being left untouched, and there were still some of his old clothes inside his closet. Shay would have to use that for clothing for now, and hide out as much as possible in order to plan his next move.

The thing was though, he didn't have an idea as to what should be his next move.

Shay had just finished showering, using a clean towel he found folded all neatly (clearly James was a bit of a neat-freak) to dry his off his hair and body. He changed into some pajamas he found in the chest of drawers: an old, baggy black t-shirt and gray plaid pajama bottoms. He didn't want to sleep in James' bed though, since he knew what Shane had done to him there. He merely grabbed a few pillows and sheets and made a make-shift bed against the carpet floor, raking a hand through his tangled mess of dirty blonde hair.

'What can I do? I don't want to hurt him, but I have to do something so Shane doesn't suspect me. I'll have to get to him somehow, but how?' His thoughts were making his head hurt.

He didn't want to hurt James, he really didn't. Even though Shay killed his father, all was in self-defense for God's sake! His father was beating the crap out of him, it was just instinct to grab the pair of scissors on the table in the hallway and protect himself. He didn't mean to kill the bastard, as much as he deserved it. He was just scared; he didn't think, he just lashed out. He wasn't a bad guy, just had some bad luck in the short amount of time he's been alive.

But he wasn't a murderer, he wasn't a bad guy.

He wasn't sick like Shane.

"I can't believe I let him fool me! He made me think he was a fucking angel, that he was like me! All he wants is to torture James even if he can't do it physically; if he can't do himself...h-he'll have me do it. But no, I can't and won't hurt him! James never did anything to deserve all the crap he was put through! I need to keep playing, keep Shane thinking that I don't know the truth and I'm on his side, but I have to protect James! I-I...love him, I can't let him go through his sick brother's abuse again!" Shay exclaimed, kicking at one of the legs of the bed in frustration.

He saved James once, taking him back to the hospital after the broken brunette ran out in a storm of anger and pain. He made sure not get himself caught on any of the security cameras and kept his face hidden; he couldn't go back to tailing James again though, not if he wanted unwanted attention off of him.

"I have to stay nearby, that I know. I have to make sure I can keep an eye on him, and make sure he's doing okay with therapy. Ugh, but how am I suppose to do that if I can't be seen by any of the fucking patrol cars out on the streets looking for me at night?! Come on Shay, think!" This time he kicked the chest of dressers; it toppled over from the force of the blow and smacked hard into the closet, ripping the door clean off.

Shay winced at the loud noise (good thing the Diamonds' neighbors were out!) and blushed a dark red in embarrassment. He really needed to get a better grip on his often short temper.

But that was when an idea struck him.

The mirror.

He crawled over until he was sitting dead in front of it, staring long and hard at his reflection. He traced the outsides of his eyes, his lips and chin. He stared hard at every detail of his face, the idea becoming more and more clear as he grasped it in seconds.

His reflection. It was nearly identical to James' boyfriend, Kendall's. It was like they were twins, identical twins like James and Shane were. The only clear difference between them was that Shay's hair was a tad longer, while Kendall's was shorter and spikier.

But they had the same shade of bright green to their eyes.

They had the same thick, dark blonde eyebrows.

They had the same blunt nose and full, pale pink lips.

They had the same body shape, the same strong chin and boyish cute features.

They looked the same, twins. Which meant...

"I can pretend to be Kendall." Shay said, eyes growing wide in realization.

That was one way to be close to James. James trusted Kendall with all his heart; he loved him and they were boyfriends, surely above everyone else he trusted Kendall the most. He trusted him not to hurt him, to always be there to help him face his fears and make everything be okay again. The only person around James 24/7 (Shay just thought of Logan as a jealous, annoying ex) was the dirty blonde himself, him.

'I-I don't want to do this, hurt you James...but I have no other choice.' Shay felt hot tears fill his eyes, clutching at the clothing over his chest.

His heart was aching, breaking down the middle. Just the thought of hurting the one he loved was overwhelming.

"I never wanted us to cross paths this way, I-I just wish you loved me, James. I'm not that guy; you love Kendall, and i-it's the only to keep you safe. I have to make you think that I'm him too, even if that makes you never get to know me. You'll just have to know me as Kendall Knight number two, instead of Shay Hanson. I wish I could be the one you love, the one you need. I don't want to break you any further than you already are, but the thought of Shane finding some way to get out and h-hurting you again...no, I can't let that happen! I'm only doing this to keep you safe, James. He tricked me and hurt me, I'm not going to let him do the same to you." With that Shay dug though James' old desk to finally find what he was looking for: a pair of scissors.

And with a heavy sigh and eyes on his reflection, Shay began to cut his hair.

**_-Page Break-_**

It wasn't long before Shay's new do was a messy, spiky copy of Kendall's. He picked up all the hairs on the floor with one hand and threw them away into the wastebasket next to the desk, shaking his head and running his fingers through his hair to catch stray locks.

He brushed off hairs clinging to his shirt and straightened himself off, wiping away the make-up he wore to hide a scar that ran from his nose to his lower lip. He took a deep breath, staring at himself in the mirror.

He didn't have to force change the pitch of his voice; from what he heard, he and Kendall sounded the same. He'd have to use some make-up to hide the tattoos on his back and on both of his shoulders, and shave a little because he had some stubble growing alongside his strong chin. He had James' clothes, which weren't all that different from the style Kendall had, and like Kendall he wore bracelets, earrings too from time-to-time, and dog-tag necklaces.

Shay checked the time on the still-working alarm clock on James' old bedside table. There was ten minutes left before nine. He had a whole night to get into character; good thing acting was something he liked to do and was really good at.

"I-I can do this, I can do this." He told himself, trying to prep himself mentally for the challenge.

'But if only...if only this wasn't the only way to keep you safe, James.' He added, fighting back tears again.


	35. Preview Chapter: Criminal

Yolo! I will update this story again tomorrow with an actual chapter, the promised hurt/comfort/romance Kames chapter but for this one...I was listening to Brittany Spears' song 'Criminal' and it got me thinking of Jhay (the pairing name I came up with for Shay Hanson x James Diamond). Now, I will say this now: I will NOT be getting rid of the Kames! It is and still will be the main pairing of this story, others are still undecided (I don't know for sure if the one-sided Jagan will keep going or if I should put in Cargan) but the rival pairing to Kames IS Jhay! Shay is in love with James, despite his unclear ties (they will be cleared in upcoming chapters) with Shane, James' insane (and not in the good way) twin brother. He does genuinely care about James, and with the time they spent together James does grow to care about his kidnapper. This is a PREVIEW to an important event that will happen in the story; it is just a preview though, so please everyone do not think Kames is dead! I just think adding this twist of a pairing adds to the value of the Kames relationship! Just how strong is their love? We will see, when the trial, James' dad, and Shane's secret scheme put their love to the test! Now, enjoy this preview chapter! Hope this doesn't get me killed!** Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! But I did see Kendall in one of the episodes of the show 'Without a Trace' and I loved it! He was so amazing as Shay Hanson; that episode is where I drew my inspiration for this rival pairing! :)**

* * *

**(Preview chapter to a future event in 'Love the Way You Lie'...)**

"S-so you were cheated." James whispered, soft hazel-green eyes wide in a mixture of horror and surprise.

Shay couldn't look at him yet he nodded, his bare back to the brunette as he sat up from the bed they took turns sleeping in. "I was treated like a psycho in that courtroom...I caused trouble sure, and I wasn't one with the rules and all but...but I didn't mean to kill my dad. I just didn't w-want to die, I didn't want him getting away with hurting me like that." He said, running his hands through his hair.

After the time they've spent together as kidnapper and hostage, his hair has grown back to the length he use to wear it at.

James felt tears fill his eyes.

"B-but you're innocent, it was all in self-defense! How could they charge you when you were just fending for yourself!?" He exclaimed, feeling anger boiling in his stomach. Shay wasn't given the fair chance!

Just like James himself, he was treated as if he was the criminal instead of the victim. Both of them...were treated as bad guys by their own fathers, their own flesh and blood. Both have been pushed around by those who were suppose to love them, care about them and protect them.

'W-we're so much alike. He knows what it's like to been seen and treated as a bad guy, as the sicko.' James thought, realization washing over him.

Shay shrugged and said nothing back, flinching when he touched the open wound Shane gave him on his shoulder when he shot him with the revolver he stole from his dad.

"W-wait, you're hurt." James finally took notice, his face paling at the sight of the rich, dark red blood trail staining Shay's perfect pale skin.

"Yeah, me and Shane had a fight and...he doesn't like to play fair." Shay replied, tearing up the sheets to make some sort of bandage. His hand hurt though; he couldn't keep his grip steady.

He felt the bed jump from under him, he gasping when James got down on his knees, between the blonde's legs, and started bandaging him up for him.

"What are you doing?"

"Bandaging you up. Did you spray it with disinfectant, we don't want it to get infected." James asked, taking the ripped piece of bed sheet from the dirty blonde's hands and soon tying it up in multiple knots. He then wrapped it around Shay's lower bicep, where the wound was, and worked his fingers around the bone and muscle under the thin skin of Shay's arm.

"Y-yeah I did." Shay couldn't think of anything else to say back but that.

"Okay that's good, now I just have to focus on making this tight enough to slow the blood flow down..." James applied pressure to the wound, apologizing to Shay when the shorter boy would hiss, before he managed a final knot to the make-shift bandage. James sighed, slightly proud of his first time applying first-aid, before he met Shay's shocked facial expression.

"What?" James asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Why did you help me? I mean, I t-took you away from your friends, your family, your boyfriend! You should be trying to escape, not waste time saving my ass! It's not like I deserve it!" Shay didn't know why he was yelling, eyes a darker green as built-up and suppressed frustration began to break through his dam of composure.

James flinched a little at the yells, but he sighed and rose on his knees until he was at eye-level with Shay, hands on the other's knees.

"You think I hate you?" He asked. It was a simple question, but his eyes were now golden-red with hurt.

It was like the thought of Shay thinking James hated him struck a nerve in the brunette.

"Why wouldn't you? With all the shit I've put you through these last few weeks?" Shay asked, voice breaking as he soon moved his hands to James' waist.

The two have gotten pass physical discomfort. Of course Shay knew that James still loved Kendall, it was clear in how different he looked at him from the way he looked at the other dirty blonde, but the smoldering gaze before him was making his heart race.

"I don't hate you. You may have...taken me, but you've never tried to h-hurt me. And the times S-Shane tried to himself...you made sure he wouldn't. You're not a killer, Shane lied to you. Y-you fought back, what you did against your dad was all in self-defense; I would have d-done the same if I had been in your shoes. You just had some bad luck, but that's all. Whatever people can say about you, they're wrong. I've been with you for the past month or so, and I've seen another side to you. I don't see a bad guy, a killer; I see a really nice guy who's been through Hell. You took me from my home, we crossed state borders so we wouldn't get caught. I-I miss my family, my friends, Kendall like crazy but...b-but I've grown to care about you too, Shay. You're not a criminal, you're just misunderstood." James whispered, cupping the dirty blonde's face between his large, thin and warm hands.

Shay felt tears leave his haunted bright green eyes. He took a shuddering breath in, biting his lower lip before he buried his face into James' lower stomach, he able to feel the brunette's ribs through his soft, dark skin. His shoulders shook as he cried, clinging to James as if he was afraid this angel with a haunted heart would disappear and leave this Devil's son to rot away in Hell alone.

"Shh, it's okay. You're not a monster, you're not a killer. You were just played but it's okay, I'm here. Everything will be alright, Shay, I promise I'll always be here. I'm not leaving you, not now or ever and I'll find some way to prove your innocence. B-but the only way to do that is for you and me to go back to Sherwood. We need to get help, we can get the police here in L.A. to help us. We're just Shane's victims, we have not to worry about."

"That's not true, James. I'm a wanted convict back home, the Sherwood PD will have me in handcuffs the moment we go back." Shay began protesting as he pulled away to meet the brunette's face, yet James gently pressed two fingers to his paler-than-normal lips.

"I'm not going to let that happen, Shay. I-I won't. I'm sure I can find some way to prove your innocence, that you have the right to be free. That judge and jury fucked up big time convicting you, you were just p-protecting yourself! Your father was beating y-you, you had the right to fight to survive! I'll find a way, I won't let anything happen to you but we need to fight against Shane and go back home. There is where we belong, and I-I love you."

"Not the way I'd want you to..."

"I know...I don't love you the way I love Kendall, b-but I do love you. I love you, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Please, help me think of a way for us to escape, to stop Shane here once and for all. P-please, please..." James begged, his tears mixing with Shay's as they fell and pelted the dark carpet floor.

Shay took another shaky breath before he leaned over and kissed James at the corner of his mouth, falling backwards on the bed and pulling James along with him.

Said brunette landed almost on top of him, their eyes locked still. James' hands were on Shay's strong, thin shoulders while the shorter boy cupped the brunette's face, running his thumbs lightly, softly over James' cheeks.

"And if they split us up?" Shay asked flatly.

"They won't. I won't let them, Shay. If you go down...I'll go down with you. I-I'm not going home without you."


	36. Save Yourself Pt 2

Yolo! Well, today there is no school since it's MLK day, so here I am typing up a new chapter for 'Love the Way You Lie'! Yay, more writing before I go back to classes tomorrow, thank God for this! Hmm, question on my mind right now: will the Jhay, unlike the Jagan, get some positive feedback in later chapters? Or will it receive mixed response like the Jagan? Hmm, interesting question but thank you to those who reviewed! I really appreciate it; I was having a hard time coming up with this story's next couple of chapters and sometimes I feel like it's not doing so well, but the fact everyone is still reading and giving their opinion and support makes me realize I'm not failing at this story! And that's good, because then I keep going! With my inner will, and everyone's support so thank you again and enjoy this hurt/comfort/romance chapter, all Kames! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! All I own is the story's plot, nothing else sadly! :( Oh, also the same song by My Darkest Days that inspired the first chapter Shay made an appearance was used for this chapter as well! I highly recommend the song, 'Save Yourself'; it's really good, and it portrays really well the feelings James has for Kendall, and the feelings Shay has for James! Again enjoy, hope this chapter was good enough! :)**

* * *

James was curled up on his bed, sheets and blankets under him as he had his left cheek pressed to the tops of his knees. His arms were wrapped tightly around his legs, he in a pair of black sweats and a matching long-sleeve. He had on black socks and his soft hazel-green eyes were closed; it looked like he was sleeping with a prostrate back, but he was everything but asleep.

"Jamie?" Said brunette opened his eyes and lifted his head. Kendall was in his bedroom doorway, facial expression very worried. His bright green eyes were back to normal, they weren't as dark. They were normally a very lively shade of bottle green. But when James had blacked out and saw those eyes, they seemed closer to an olive tone, which only happened when the dirty blonde was deeply upset about something.

'No, it wasn't Kendy I saw before I blacked out. The shade of his eyes were all wrong, but if it wasn't him...t-then who...?' James felt dizzy now, head spinning.

He remembered seeing someone, with wild dirty blonde hair, thick eyebrows and deep green eyes like Kendall with him, outside in the rain. When he had ran out of the hospital after the painful realization of his mother having no memory of anything, he had collapsed in an alley (mentally flinching that it eerily resembled the one he had hid out in the night Kendall found him all beaten and bloody) and barely breathing, afraid he was literally dying from a broken heart. He had been barely breathing and conscious when someone came from the dark and saved him, kept him out of the rain and took him back to his boyfriend and family.

The warmth from that person had felt familiar, but when he had caught a glimpse of the person's face, well more his eyes, before he blacked out...James could have sworn it had been Kendall. It wouldn't be the first time the shorter boy had come to his rescue; he's been saving James' ass for quite a while, but his savior had not been Kendall. It had been a total stranger, a stranger with eyes that were nearly identical to his loving boyfriend's, and James was surprised he hadn't felt terror. He was surprised he hadn't felt terror feeling safe in an stranger's embrace; he was surprised he was feeling grateful to this mysterious boy, and that he wanted to find out who he was.

But now, he was feeling guilty. Kendall has put his neck out on the line for him, and all he ever did was screw everything up.

"I'm sorry." James said, finally responding to Kendall.

Said blonde looked confused as he sat down next to his beautiful lover on the bed, James leaning into his right shoulder. "Why are you apologizing? You ran out because you were hurt; y-your mom, Doctor Griffin said the amnesia might just be temporarily but right now it's hard to tell without doing some tests."

"I'm apologizing for being a failure."

"A failure?" Kendall echoed, a still confused look on his face but it was now mixed with annoyance; he hated when James was too hard on himself, well hard on himself in general.

None of this was his fault. He had a perfectly good reason to want to be alone; his mom he had spent four years waiting for wasn't the same, wasn't his mom. She was a stranger, a stranger with a face he's known since the day he was born. A face he loved, but that held no love for him back.

"Yeah, a failure. I keep r-running away from things, I duck and run when I know it won't do anything good for me. My dad and Connie are coming back tomorrow; Auntie said they'll be here as soon as we come back from school. Michael the Beast is back in the states tomorrow, and I have to face him as much as I don't want to. If I keep running away, how will I be strong enough for the trial in less than two months? How will I be strong for you, for our families, for my mom and myself if I keep running away?" James asked, eyes locked still with Kendall's as he soon folded his legs meditation-style.

Kendall sighed and wrapped one arm around his taller boyfriend, gently stroking the skin of his right arm. "You know therapy will help with that, right? Your resolve doesn't have to become a steel wall overnight, beautiful. Everything takes its time to work out."

"I know, I know. But still, he will be here tomorrow no doubt demanding explanation and throwing out accusations. Kendall, my father isn't the friendliest guy around. In fact, he's as friendly as Michael Myers; they call him Casper the Friendly Ass-hole Ghost, and that speaks for itself. He's a jerk, self-absorbed, a man obsessed with his image and status to others. I'm the biggest failure of the family to him: I'm not straight, I'm not a total sports fanatic, and I don't have anything in common with him. He and I are complete opposites, strangers with the same blood. I know therapy will help me built my resolve, but tomorrow is tomorrow. I have no choice but face him and Connie tomorrow, and take his heat on my own." James said, wrapping his arms around Kendall's neck.

The blonde stiffened, back rigid. "Wait, what do you mean on your own? James, you're seriously not thinking of handling him by yourself right? H-he could eat you alive, no I'm not letting you face him on your own!" He protested, heart pounding hard against his ribs at the thought. James tilted his head so their eyes met again, expression...fierce.

Fierce and not angry at Kendall, but more of a fierceness associated with self-frustration.

"No Kendall, I'm not having you or Auntie there with me when I see them again. Listen to me, please: this is a battle I have to do alone. I'm not doing this because of pride or anything stupid like that, but because I've let my dad push me around for far too long. He needs to see that I'm not going to let anyone mess with me, him especially. I appreciate you always being there for me, but there are some fights I'm going to have to win, or lose, alone." James said, stroking Kendall's left cheek.

Kendall knew, deep down, James was right. If he was to break free of his father's oppressing shadow then he'd have to call the shots himself, not back down and take anymore heat. Still, the blonde didn't want James to face anything alone...

"Still, I just can't let the person I lo-I mean, the person I care so much about face the Friendly Ass-hole Ghost alone, James..." Kendall whispered, sighing and closing his eyes. His cheeks were streaked with red, he hoping James didn't notice the heat biting at his face in the dim light.

'Damn it, I almost said the L-word! James isn't ready for that yet, pull yourself together and wait for him to be comfortable with that again!' Kendall scolded himself hotly, though he gasped when James pressed his lips to his in a gentle, yet passionate kiss.

'H-he almost said he l-loved me!' James thought, mind reeling now.

Of course they have been together for a little less than a month, but...he would be lying if he said he hadn't been contemplating that word when thinking about Kendall.

He's never needed someone so much before, and it was terrible because the right thing for him to do would be to give Kendall up. The dirty blonde was the guardian angel God sent him to be saved; he'd be fucking dead right about now if he hadn't found him that night roughly a year ago! James was sick, twisted bastard inside; he an illness no one would be able to understand, not even Kendall. He knew that even if he has made Kendall's the happiest he's ever been, he's always caused him pain. Always running away, breaking down and backing out. That's not what a good boyfriend does.

So James was determined to fix that; he was going to make things right. Kendall wouldn't run away from him, the demon that he has fallen in love with, and James was too selfish to give the other boy up even if it was right thing for him so now he was going to take charge.

He was going to be the one to protect Kendall, instead of the other way around.

"I-I...you know, the L-word is getting easier to hear now. And it's getting easier to play around with, when t-thinking of you." James whispered when he pulled away, eyes gentle and very warm; the bits of golden-red mixed with his natural hazel-green eyes, making them look like pools of blended jewels. Kendall could have sworn his heart skipped a beat at looking into those eyes.

"R-really?"

"Yeah, really. We both can't...s-say right now, because it's still too soon but I think I'm feeling it for you." James said, blushing a fiery red.

"Me too...I think I'm feeling the same way." Kendall replied with a soft smile, able to fight his blush down.

They soon hugged each other tightly, breathing in each other's scent to beat away the haunting thoughts of what was to come tomorrow after school.

'The fight's just starting, but we'll be okay.' Kendall thought, determination burning in his torso now.

'I'll have to face my dad alone. N-no, don't be scared, you can do this; it's about time you let Michael Diamond know a thing or two about you, James. It's time to show him who you really are, and that you're not the weak, scared little kid he's always played you as.' James thought, gripping Kendall's shoulders and burying his face into his swan neck.

He'd have to worry about the mysterious boy later. Right now, he had to prep himself mentally and emotionally for what was to come.


	37. Haunted

Yolo! I have been gone for quite a while, huh? Yeah sorry everyone, school has kept me very busy this semester but most of my homework load for the weekend I've managed to get done so yeah. Here I am! Um, since I'm still a little tired from school I won't say much but thank you for the overall support for this story and enjoy this new chapter! Spoiler: It's centered mostly around someone we haven't seen in this story for quite a while! Again, thank you to everyone for the support and reviews, totally appreciate it! **Disclaimer: I don't own anything, apart from the plot that is! Other than that, BTR is so not mine! Sorry for the short chapter; I'm very tired, but hopefully during the weekend I can write a longer chapter!**

* * *

'This isn't over.'

Another night in the dark. Another night behind these walls, awaiting trial.

Shane Diamond was sick of it. He wasn't suppose to be here. He was suppose to with James, making sure he was okay. From what Shay has passed on to him via letters, his baby brother has a boyfriend.

'You can't abandon me, James. You belong to me.' Shane slammed his fist against the nearest wall, ignoring how the brown skin of his hand started to turn a sickly red in color.

He rose from his bed and clutched at the bars of his cell, sliding to the floor and clenching his teeth so tightly that any harder and they'd cut into the corners of his mouth.

'I should have killed you when I had the chance to. You fucking whore, you can't move on from me!' Another punch to the nearest wall, though this one left a small dent in the shape of sharp, thin knuckles.

'I'm the only person you've ever slept with! You don't forget your first time, Jamie! You don't forget who you had your first sex experience with! How dare you think this is over?!'

Shane's eyes weren't a light hazel-green but pitch black, pitch black as a night with a new moon. His facial expression was grunt: he had grown some stubble after weeks of not shaving, his face looked hallow while his hair was still a short, messy tangle.

He looked the same as he did roughly a year ago, but his eyes...his eyes read nothing but hatred and lust. A lust for revenge.

'You think you can get away with this, well you won't. I'll get out of here, I'll find you and corner you and then you'll be sorry. I'll make you plea for mercy, then I'll treat you like the stupid slut you are! It was your fault I was raped, James. It was all your fault, so for the rest of your life you'll pay for what YOU did to me! I have Shay, the moron bought my sob story and is on my side; he broke out of this hell-hole to be my eyes on you. When I give him the signal then you'll be very sorry, James. You'll regret ever letting me get put away in here. I'll make sure you regret it, and I'll make you pay. I'll torture you until all you want is to die, and then I'll film it. I'll get my hands on you and have your precious boyfriend see you suffer; he'll get to see your face and eyes as you die. You and I are meant to be together, and if I have to kill you then kill myself...then that's the price I'm willing to pay.' At this Shane smiled cruelly, running one hand though his hair.

He and his brother were born together, even if technically James came around an hour later. They were born together, they were meant to always be together even in death. He loved his baby brother, his little Jamie. He loved him very much and if he thought he could move on with that Knight bastard, then he was seriously mistaken. The only person that will have James is Shane himself. They were twins, after all; they were meant to stay together, to share a special connection no one else could have.

'And so, I just have to wait. I have to wait until after the trial, then...then you'll know what it's like to have everything you love ripped away from you, Jamie. You took away my freedom, so I'll take your life.'

**_-Page Break-_**

Shay took a sharp intake of breath as his eyes flew open and he bolted up into a sitting position.

His body was soaked in sweat, a chill running down his spine. He ran a hand through his hair and tried to calm his racing heart, tears shining in his eyes.

'Oh my God...J-James!'

**_-Page Break-_**

"Gah!" James woke up with a start, bed empty apart from him and his room heavy with shadows. He was gasping if recovering from a near-drowning experience, soft hazel-green eyes going a violent golden-red in a mixture of shock and fear. He was soaked to the bone in sweat, though the cold pressing itself against the glass of his bedroom window made a chill run down his spine.

James closed his eyes and took three long, deep breaths to calm himself down, body shaking from suppressed sobs.

He was alone tonight. He had Kendall go home, saying he needed to rest himself and that he'll be okay for the night, so he was all alone. The only sources of comfort he had was the charm bracelet around his wrist and Logan's snowman plush tucked under his pillow.

It was chilly outside, clear from the foggy glass. Despite the fog however James squinted his eyes to look through the window, as if the dark, barren neighborhood was something better to ponder over than the sudden jump from a peaceful sleep.

He couldn't explain it, but something had shocked him awake. It wasn't the cold; he had heavy blankets wrapped around him. It wasn't a bad dream; he's done his best, thanks to therapy, to keep his mind blank of negative thoughts when contemplating sleep.

If it wasn't the cold or a bad dream, then what spooked him out of slumber-land?

He shivered as a voice his subconscious always tried to evade remembering suddenly broke out of the mental block and echoed in his left ear, light tears shining in his eyes.

Shane.

'S-Shane...'

_"You can't nor will ever abandon me, baby brother. You can't abandon me; wherever you go, I will be there. No matter who is with you, I won't be far away. You can't abandon me, because YOU belong to ME."_


	38. Try: I Knew I Loved You

Yolo! Happy Friday, everyone! I do have some homework this weekend, but not enough to keep me from writing so I might write tomorrow for 'They Don't Know You'! I can't say much; I'm tired plus I'm about to pop in the first Captain America movie for tonight, but here is the latest chapter! It's the confrontation between James and his father Michael, the aftermath followed by some fluffy romance at the end! I had to listen to two different songs to get the feel for this chapter, so I hope it turned out well! Thank you to my sister and winterschild11 for reviewing, totally appreciate it and I'm excited for what is it to come! Thank you again and enjoy this new chapter! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush! I just own the plot and the OC that serves as James' father, since we really don't meet him in the show-verse...but I hope the end-of-chapter fluff makes up for the confrontation! :) Also, IMPORTANT QUESTION HERE: Who do you think James is kissing in this chapter? Kendall? Or Shay? Mind giving me your thoughts? Remember: Shay did cut his hair to match Kendall's do, and also copied his fashion style! ;)**

* * *

"You know, I didn't think you could possibly disappoint me even more. I mean you've already set the bar high enough but, but wow James you sure know how to break the mold."

James gritted his teeth, trying to keep his composure.

The school day had went by in a flash. It wasn't before long that James was back home, greeted by the cold, heavy-glaring sight of his father Michael. Connie and Aunt Kelly were in the kitchen, since Michael said he wanted a private, father-son chat with James, so the two males had their "talk" in the living room. James had taken a seat on the L-shaped couch, keeping his hands folded neatly over his lap; his father, however, seemed repulsed to be in such an average, bland-looking house so resorted to remain standing and pacing back and forth.

He was pacing back and forth in front of James, glaring down at him yet darting his hard gray eyes away when his youngest son tried to meet his face.

"When you came out as pan, I swear I wanted to throw you out. No son of mine was going to be a faggot and ruin this family, after all we are the most influential people in Minnesota!" Michael went on, raven hair brushed and slicked back with some greasy, weird-smelling oil.

"Being pan isn't a bad thing." James retorted. Michael went on as if James hadn't spoken up, though.

"And now this? Honest to God damn, James! First being a faggot, then going for the theater and music programs at your school instead of doing hockey full-time?! I mean your cheerleader years I survived but really, now you're just so hell-bent on ruining your brother's life that you accuse him of RAPING you?! Just because he has a good head on his shoulders doesn't give you the fucking right to mess him up, the only person that should be rotting in Hell is you!" James winced as Michael's right hand met his face.

He let out a pained gasp and he heard a chair crash somewhere in the kitchen; no doubt Kelly had heard the slap and had gotten to her feet, only to have Connie hold her back.

James' bangs drooped over his eyes, the soft hazel-green melting away to a hard, piercing golden-red. He bit his lower lip, ignoring the aching pounding of the blood rushing to his now bruised right cheek. "You always liked Shane better than me." He whispered, lifting his head and shooting his father a steely look.

Michael barked a laugh as he finally locked eyes with James, his smile everything but pleasant. "Really, you're just realizing that now James? Of course I've always liked him better, he actually had some DECENT plans for his future! He was planning to go to college to double major in psychology and business marketing! He actually had a brain, nothing like the stupid dreams you were always talking about!" At this James snapped, rising from his seat with fists tight at his sides.

"Dreaming to become famous isn't stupid, and neither is going to college to double major in theater and music! You never got the fact that Shane and I were DIFFERENT! So I'm pan, that's not a crime! So I like writing music, preforming on stage and acting, I'm not the math nor science kind of guy! Shane and I had different tastes, but I always did my best in everything set in front of me, Dad! My grades were just as good as Shane's; I had all A's before he decided to rape me every day and night for FOUR YEARS! I started slipping in school BECAUSE of him, and you may have thought being pan was sick but Mom didn't! She supported me, and my dreams to become famous! Unlike you, she knew how to be a parent while I was growing up!" James shot back, fuming. Michael met his glare with a nasty one of his own.

"You're talking about the mother that ISN'T here, James?! Face it, Brooke isn't here anymore to protect you! She may have been stupid enough to accept all the things wrong with you, but I wasn't! I knew the minute you were born you would be a disappointment, to be honest if it had been in my hands I would have let you die that night! Shane would be my only son; the only son I would ever be proud of!"

"B-but you didn't get that, didn't you Dad? No, because Mom loved ME too! She loved me, and so what if she can't remember?! The amnesia is temporary, you don't know if a week from now she'll remember everything! Everything about you, about Shane AND about me! I'm her son, I'm just as much her son as Shane; Mom loved us equally, she never tried to hold me on a pillar to Shane! And she's here, don't fucking talk about her like she's dead! She might not have meant anything to you, but she does to me! She's my mom, my dad, my best friend all in one! She may not have her memory right now, but she is not dead!"

Michael scoffed. "Too bad, isn't it? I had been contemplating removing her off life support, but since she's awake now..."

"You wouldn't have been able to! You and Mom have been divorced for years now, the only person who can possibly have authority over her now is Auntie! She's been like another mom to me; she didn't kick me to the curb like you did!"

"Because you put your twin brother in jail, James!" Michael roared, facial expression fierce. "I always told you, ALWAYS, that brothers are suppose to be together until the very end! You betrayed your brother by accusing him of such a sick joke and now he's paying for it!"

"Are you stupid, Dad?!" James growled back, having a good control over the waterworks threatening to break free. "Shane betrayed me the second he started raping me, the second he started beating me and using me for his sick, twisted pleasure! He betrayed me, he hurt me! Because of him, I was a fucked up mess for the last four years of my life! He ruined my life; because of him, I have to go to damn therapy EVERY SINGLE DAY to cope and recover from all the sick things he did to me! You think he's the perfect son, well fuck you because you're wrong! A brother that really cares about his twin doesn't do what he did to me!"

"Say what you want. I'm still going to have my best lawyer defend Shane at trial, and you are no longer my son. I'm disowning you; I don't care where you go or what the hell happens to you, you are not my son." Michael grabbed the front of James' black turtleneck and pulled so their faces were inches apart as he said this, an ugly sneer pulling at his pale, thin lips.

James spat in his face, smiling in spite of the slap he got from the action. He almost collapsed onto the couch again but steadied himself and kept his smile in place, enjoying how his father was seething at the fact he didn't get to his son. "You're a really stupid man if you think I'm the same James, Michael. You've been gone for a long time; things have changed, I'm not scared of you anymore. So what if you disown me? I have Auntie, who's been more of a parent these last few months than you have been in your entire life. So what if you go against me, my own father, at trial? So what if you support Shane, I have people on my side too. I'm not alone, Michael. You're wrong if you think I'm on my own. I have people that love me: Auntie, Katie, Mama Knight and my boyfriend Kendall. Yeah that's right, I have a boyfriend. I have someone who cares about me; he's been here at my side from the very beginning, and he was the one who saved me from Shane. I would have died that night if he hadn't found me. Unlike you, I know how to care about people; I'm not cold and heartless like you. I may have your ambition, and your freckles, but that's all we have in common. I'm not scared of you anymore, Dad." James said that term of endearment with bitterness, clear that he wasn't about to back down.

Michael narrowed his eyes dangerously. "You aren't a Diamond anymore, James. You can't call me that."

"If I remember correctly, Diamond is Mom's maiden name, not yours. She never gave it up after marrying you, and I took it shortly after you two separated. I'm still a Diamond, Michael, not you. And I'll say it again: I'm not scared of you, or Shane, anymore so go ahead and bring your worse at trial. I'm not afraid of neither one of you anymore, so if you fight then I'll fight back. I'm not going to apologize or protect Shane anymore, I've done that for far too long and I've had it." James hissed just as coldly back, arms crossed.

Michael shot him a dirty look before shouting for Connie, said woman trembling slightly as he pulled on sharply his coat. "Come on, we're staying at a hotel for tonight; I'm not ready to set foot in the house James here soiled with his lies and sick fantasies." He said, Connie turning to James.

"B-but James..." She began, only to get Michael grabbing hard at her wrist and pulling her away.

"We're not here for him, he's not of the family anymore. You can keep him, Wainwright; you're just like your sister, so naive and waste of time." Was all Michael could say before he basically manhandled his wife out the front door of the house, James watching them go while Kelly shot her ex-brother-in-law a mean look at his retreating back and putting an arm around her nephew's shoulders.

"Jamie baby I'm sorry I-" She began, but James smiled brightly at her and waved the apology off.

"I'm not, it's about time I stood up to that asshole."

"James, language!" Said brunette laughed. There was still a hardness to his eyes, yet his facial expression looked more relaxed.

"I know, sorry Auntie but it's the truth. Dad...no, Michael hasn't been 'Father of the Year' since I was born, and I was sick...I was sick of him saying things that really made no sense. He doesn't know the real Shane, not like I do. But let him think that he knows him, let him live in his fantasy world. We'll see in two months who comes out on top, and who the jury believes. I'm not going to let my father or brother control me anymore; this is my life, I will decide where it goes from here." James said, a strong tone to his voice.

Kelly couldn't help but stare in awe at her sweet, adorable nephew. The sad, terribly scared boy she remembered seeing that day roughly a year ago was gone. Sure James was still iffy about being in large crowds and sensitive about his healed scars and bruises, but the look in his eyes...said he wasn't quite as scared anymore. He was worried about the trial, but he has grown stronger over the weeks that have passed.

He wasn't James Dylan Diamond, the deeply traumatized rape victim. He was James Dylan Diamond, the hardened rape victim survivor.

He wasn't afraid of his past anymore; he was embracing it instead now, and using it to make himself stronger.

'My baby, he's come a long way.' Kelly thought before she smiled through weak tears and hugged James to her.

"I'm so proud of you, Jamie." She said, kissing the top of his head. James smiled back and hugged her just as tight, pulling away to brush his hair out of his eyes.

"Me too, Auntie. Me too, now if you excuse...I'm feeling dizzy; the adrenaline rush is leaving me, so I'm going to my room for some water." With that the brunette kissed his aunt on the cheek and left the living room, fighting back tears the whole way.

They weren't tears of pain, though. They were tears of joy.

'I-I did it! I finally stood up for myself..!'

**_-Page Break-_**

James was surprised when he heard his aunt calling him, saying he had a visitor. He didn't remember making plans for later tonight, then it struck him that Kendall said he was going to stop by later to check on him.

Not wanting to be rude yet no leave the warmth of his room, James quickly got dressed (he had taken a shower) into his pajamas and ran a hand through his tangled, dark with wet hair to at least make it look a little presentable. He scrambled to lie down on top of the thick quilts on his bed and flip open a random book on his bedside table, pretending to read as the dirty blonde was soon in his bedroom doorway.

"H-hey, sorry I took so long! Are you okay, beautiful? Did your dad hurt you, ar-" Kendall barely had time to finish his bombard of questions before James was pressed against him, the shorter boy's back meeting the closed door.

Kendall's bright green eyes were wide as dinner plates as James kissed him with an urgency he's never done so with before, he melting minutes later as he kissed back just as passionately and wrapped his arms around the brunette's slender waist. James let out a small whimper as he threaded his fingers through Kendall's soft dirty blonde hair, they keeping their lips pressed together as they struggled to get a walking pace and fall back on James' bed.

If this had happened earlier in their relationship, James would have freaked out from being under Kendall in such an intimate position, but there was no doubt in him now that he trusted Kendall a hundred percent. He cared deeply about the other boy; they've went from friends to best friends to boyfriend at a slow, steady and nice pace. He cared about Kendall, he liked him.

No, he loved him. He was in love; he was in love with Kendall.

They pulled away from the long kiss for breath, their chest rising and falling with every intake of air they took, faces flushed bright red and expressions soft, longing.

"I-I...I love you, Kendall." James panted, cupping Kendall's left cheek in his thin, long right hand. The other played with the hem of Kendall's loose-fitting green t-shirt, soft tears in his deep hazel-green eyes.

Said blonde's heart skipped several beats at those words; those three words he's been dreaming of for quite a while.

'H-he loves me...oh God he loves me! H-he loves back!' His thoughts were racing, speeding like a runaway train but nothing could stop the big smile overtaking his face, eyes shining like clear-cut jade.

"J-James I, I love you too..." He whispered, before they were lost in a wave of passion and longing. Their lips met again and they ran hands up and down each other's bodies; James paid close attention to the speed of his heart, in case it was pounding in fear.

Instead though, it was pounding from pure joy.

Their shirts were soon out of the equation; it was much too early in the relationship to take...that step just yet, but they traced each other's arms, collarbones, chests and lower stomachs, exploring planes of warm skin and holding each other close. They kissed every inch of skin they could reach, staring deep into each other's eyes and playing with the other's hair. James pressed close to Kendall, hands on the blonde's slightly curved hips while Kendall had one to his side, the other cradling the back of his head as they kissed.

'I lost my dad, but I'd rather lose him than Kendall.' Was James' last thought concerning Michael before he let himself be consumed by the comforting, sweet heat coming from Kendall's thin, strong body.


	39. Preview Chapter: Dance with The Devil

Yolo, again! Well, I am about to introduce...another preview chapter! Now, this story is an angst/hurt/comfort story but it is also a horror work as well. This preview chapter shows that horror touch, by giving a chapter to James, Shane, Shay and Kendall. Yay, a chapter with all of them interacting with each other! This is just a preview chapter, but it does give everyone a sneak peek of another future event. Get ready, guys; Shane is a little...insane in this chapter, which gives us a slice of the vast transformation of his personality that has taken place over the weeks of being incarcerated. This is a double update, yay! **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, nor Shay Hanson! All I own is the plot of the fic, the OCs that served as James' father and step-mother and any insanity! All of that is mine, but nothing else! Enjoy! Well, as much as you can I guess...!**

* * *

**(Preview chapter to a future event in 'Love the Way You Lie')**

James struggled to keep moving.

His breathing was rough and jagged as if he was choking on barb wire. His whole body was caked in dirt and sweat, and soaked in blood. Blood ran down his right temple, painting a split river of crimson down his swan neck; blood dripped from his deeply sliced lips, mixing with his saliva so it left dark pink splashes along his chin and left cheek. Blood made his clothes almost black in color, the shade more prominent at his left side where he was pouring red; he kept his free hand, the one not flapping around limply like a rag doll's, pressed against the large kitchen knife to slow down the loss of blood. He was feeling dizzy though, so he knew he was running out of time.

He forced his legs, which felt heavy as three tons of pure lead, to keep pushing, to keep kicking through the abandoned sand castles and small hills. He left a sloppy, crimson trail behind with every aching step, he trying to reach the police station not too far from the beach.

He had to keep going; he managed to give Shane the slip and escape the shed he's kept him in for the last forty-eight hours. He was bloody, tired and desperate. He needed help, but he wasn't thinking about himself. He was thinking about Shay; he saw Shane shoot him, this time in the stomach, before his twin had violently snatched him away and tortured him in the dark of an old abandoned shed he found in the outskirts of L.A. He was sure Shane didn't shoot Shay fatally, but he needed help damn it!

He was dying, he could feel it. He could see black spots dancing, going in and out, before his eyes. His body was numb, yet throbbing in immense agony at the same time, and his blood was painting the pale golden beach a dark red.

'N-need help, Shay...' His thoughts were focused solely on the blonde, the blonde who instead of hurting him like Shane did, protected him and even took a bullet that was meant for him. He hated the fact Shane has left him so vulnerable, and that he had forced James to abandon his friend. He had no choice, since Shane had knocked him out after shooting Shay but still the brunette felt a heavy weight crushing his rib cage. He needed to get help, and fast.

"P-please, someone! Someone help me, please! M-my friend, he's been hurt! We're both h-hurt, please SOMEONE! PLEASE HELP, P-PLEASE MY BROTHER IS TRYING TO KILL ME!" James screamed, hoping someone would hear him.

He coughed up a bit of blood as the wound in his side throbbed again, the sheer pain making him cry out and fall to his knees.

"Ugh, s-someone! SOMEONE, ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME! P-PLEAS-AHHH!" James couldn't finish his plea, a blood-curdling scream leaving his throat as...a bullet pierced the back of his left leg.

"AHHH!" He fell face down into the sand, choking and gasping and crawling as best he could; why the fuck was nobody coming?! Did no one hear the damn revolver go off?!

"Ugh, oh no..."

"Oh Jamie, we should take a picture! You know, for our family album! I'm sure Mom and Dad would love this shot: a beautiful L.A. beach with the starry night in the background, you and me making sandcastles like we did as kids. Ha, a pure riot I'm sure!" James forced himself on his back, pushing and lashing around with his elbows to keep crawling.

Shane was slowly walking towards him, a knife in one hand and their dad's stolen revolver in the other. He too was caked in blood and sweat and dirt, though he was grinning madly. His hair was brushed off his face, his once gentle, shy hazel-green eyes now pitch black.

They were so black, it was like staring through windows into Hell itself.

"Y-you bastard. W-where's Shay?! What the h-hell did you do to him?! ANSWER ME!" James didn't care that he could easily die with Shane having weapons and he bare and defenseless. An image of said dirty blonde on the floor, gasping for breath as blood poured from his lower stomach, flashed in James' mind and his anger boiled over even more.

Shane got rid of a crick in his neck, the sound spine-chilling. "I'm pretty sure he's bled to death by now, sweetie. Him, and Kendall." The psychotic twin's evil grin broadened at the look of absolute horror now pulling at James' ghostly pale face.

'K-Kendall...and S-Shay? N-no, no, no! NO!'

"You sick bastard!" James didn't know how he suddenly got the strength to stand up but he didn't think too much of it; with adrenaline pumping fast and hard through his veins James threw himself at Shane and managed to knock the gun out of his hand, it taking a dip into the sandy banks and vanishing in seconds.

The twins wrestled on the ground, James as best he could with one arm useless, each clawing and scratching at the other through quick punches and kicks. Shane roared and gripped the handle of his knife, stabbing it into James' other side.

"AHHH!" Shane then kicked his brother, hard, in the stomach to get him off of him, he rolling onto his stomach and getting to his feet. James was choking and groaning in pain as blood began pouring faster, harder out of him.

"I'm amazed you're not dead by now, little brother. Then again, the human body isn't meant to die easily." Shane said rather calmly, as if slowly murdering his brother was as normal as searching for movies on the internet.

James sunk his teeth into his lower lip and forced his body to stand, vision slightly hazy and his balance off. Shane sighed and ran a hand through his hair, facial expression dangerous. "I swear, it would be much easier to just let yourself die. You running away won't fix things."

"I-I'm not running away, I told you...I'm not afraid of you anymore. I was going for help, because you h-hurt Shay and K-Kendall." At this Shane glowered at his twin brother.

"You don't love Shay. You know that, he knows that too; why the fuck do you want to save him?! He's not yours!" James managed a smile, discreetly searching the sandy floor beneath his feet for the revolver.

"A-are you jealous, big brother? Are you jealous that the person you love...doesn't love you b-back?"

James knew about Shane's feelings for Shay. He may have played him at the beginning, but over time developed an obsession with him as he did with James. The only difference was that Shane wanted James to be with him forever, as his lover. Shay was just a boy-toy to him, nothing but something to have fun with.

Then again, obsession was the same as love for Shane.

Said brunette clenched his teeth, he inching closer and closer one step at a time. James knew tempting him like this could get him killed, but he needed some distraction while he tried for the gun.

"What. Makes. Him. Love. You?! You're just a piece of crap, Jamie. You don't deserve anything!" Shane soon lashed out. James ducked just in time though and elbowed his brother in the ribs, eyes soon catching a glimpse of silver in the sand dunes.

"YOU don't deserve anything!" James screamed, taking hold of the revolver and managing a shot.

It echoed throughout the dark, once silent night, piercing the glow of the full moon overhead.

**_-Page Break-_**

"That noise, a gun shot!" Shay exclaimed, he and Kendall leaning on each other as they made for the beach.

The two were bloody, Shay from the waist down and Kendall from the waist up. Shay had one hand pressed to his lower stomach, where the bullet had entered him, while his other clutched to Kendall's shoulder. Kendall had one arm around Shay's waist while he tried his best to ignore the blood leaving the wound near his collarbone; the shot Shane took at him had pierced through his left shoulder, which Shay was careful not to touch. The boys, could be considered twins to others, were bloody and tired but at the same time alert and wide awake.

Kendall had managed to find Shay and help him as best he could back at the apartment he had shared with James for about a month, after Shane left him bloody and close to dying. Shay had told him where Shane had taken James, and how from the text message James had sent him (he had stolen Shane's cell-phone) that he had escaped and was going for the police. The closest police station to where they were was near the beach, that was their best bet to finding James.

Hopefully, they find him alive.

"J-James! It has to be him!" Kendall responded, forcing himself to move faster.

"O-or Shane, this could be a trap!" Shay snapped back, glaring at his...well, non-blood twin. At this Kendall jerked his head so that their eyes met; even though they were extremely identical, Kendall's eyes were a slightly lighter green than Shay's.

"I don't give a damn, we have to save James! Even if it is a trap Shane is still with him, do you want to save James or not?!"

"Look I want to save him just as much as you, Knight! I'm just thinking that I'm not going to risk the LOVE of my life to that sicko bastard by walking into a trap, you're asking too much here!" Shay shot back, both boys breaking apart to glower at each other.

"For the last time, James is in danger and we need to work together to save him! As much as you hate me, you NEED me!"

"Of course I fucking hate you, James loves you and I want him to love ME!"

"Well then go ahead and damn me for the rest of my life if you makes you happy, but you're NOT risking James' life!"

"Well aren't you two the so-impressive duo?" Kendall and Shay froze, forgetting their little spat once they heard Shane's voice. Even though it was close to James', James' voice was softer, sweeter like honey. Shane's voice was like vinegar: sour-tasting and unpleasant.

They turned to see Shane standing there, one hand gripping his knife while the other...held James around the waist, over his shoulder. He was grinning like mad while his little brother's limp limbs swung slightly back and forth as he moved, blood from James' mouth painting the back of his white shirt a darker red.

James wasn't moving. He wasn't making a sound.

'Oh God.' Shay and Kendall had the same thought, and went through the same reaction: faces draining of blood, leaving them white as sheets. Their hearts skipped beats, eyes seeing red and chests feeling constricted by invisible, tight bands.

"Y-you...you..." Shay couldn't say it, his mouth had gone dry. Shane smiled again, a laugh rumbling in his torso.

"Not really." He said, dumping James' body to the sandy floor rather harshly. James let out a silent scream as he hit the ground, a fresh bullet wound glistening a sickly red to his leg. He was dirty, sweaty and bloody. He was covered in blood, everywhere and he was shivering as if suffering hypothermia.

"James!"

"Don't you dare." Shane warned both blondes, revolver pointed in their direction. Shay and Kendall stood their ground, not daring to move a muscle; they wouldn't put it pass Shane to shoot his brother dead right in front of them.

"Give it up, Shane. The police back home passed on your info, everyone is out searching for your neck. Here, Sherwood, every police force in the country know about you." Kendall said, eyes darting from him to James. Shane snorted, black eyes shining like muddy pearls.

"Please, as if I care. My plan is this, idiot: I kill my little brother, then I kill myself. That way we can be together forever, that way neither one of you can have him."

"You damn asshole, can't you see you lost your sick game?! If you want to fight someone, fight me but keep James out of this! You've made him suffer enough; I should kill you myself for everything you've done to him!" Shay snarled, anger boiling. Shane frowned, as if he was hurt by the other's words.

"You guys act as if he's some angel, it's his fault I got raped in the first place."

"It's not his fault! Damn it, I was there the night of that party! You were inside, James outside; there is no possible way he could have caused it, you're just making excuses for yourself because you didn't have the common sense and guts to get help! Not everyone who's ever been raped become crazy murderers! But you're not getting away with this, not anymore!" Shane's smile returned; with a quick snap of his hand, he threw the gun to Kendall, who clumsily caught it without setting it off.

"Fine, you guys want to kill me? Okay then...kill me!" Shane grabbed James by the hair and pulled; James screamed and kicked and threw his arms out as much as he could, but he was too weak from the blood loss. Shane kept one hand in James' hair, his little brother's back pressing against his chest, while he held the knife to his neck. James couldn't hold back the shiver that rocked him to the core at feeling the cold, slender touch of the steel to his skin, Shane using him as a human shield.

"Go ahead, assholes! Go ahead and kill me, just know that if I die Jamie here goes with me! Come on shoot, me or him! Make up your minds and decide who dies tonight: me or him! You shoot me, my hand slips and slices his pretty little neck so both of you lose the love of your life! You or me, boys, decide!"

"N-no! S-Shay, Kendall k-kill him! Shoot, please just shoot! This isn't about me, j-just shoot! Shoot then get the police here, p-please!"

"Shut up!"

"No, please d-don't do this! Forget about me, I won't let him hurt you guys so just shoot! Shoot, if you kill me then you kill us both so do it!"

"J-James!" Kendall choked out, heart breaking at seeing the tears spilling down his thin cheeks. His grip on the revolver was shaky, fingers cold and clammy.

"I said shut up!" Shane roared in James' ear, yet James didn't cease his squirming.

"DO IT! YOU KILL ME, YOU KILL HIM TOO SO DO IT!"

"N-no...James you can't die. You p-promised you wouldn't leave me...!" Shay said, though James broke out in a sob.

"I CAN'T LOSE YOU TWO, SO SHOOT! SHOOT HIM, PLEASE!"

"DECIDE NOW, ME OR HIM!"

"KILL US BOTH, NOW!"

"ME OR HIM, DECIDE!"


	40. Preview Chapter: Home

Yolo! I had insomnia again last night, crashed around three and woke up around eight. Yeah, I'm overtired but that won't stop me! **Now, before we go further I must say this: I am sorry it has taken so long for us to reach the trial. The two-part (or three, that is still undecided) piece will start next chapter; we will go through a time-skip, ahead two months later to the trial. Again I am so sorry it has taken so long for this event to happen. I wish to build suspense, yet at the same time I'm afraid of boring my readers and going on and on with the small events before taking on the bigger challenges. Second to this author's note: this is yet another preview chapter. Now before you all ask why two preview chapters in a row, here are the two main reasons:**

**1) The preview chapters are signs for everyone to know that the story is entering its subplot, meaning that apart from the domestic violence/rape center of the story comes Shane's revenge on James for getting him locked away.**

**2) The story will have limited Kames moments after the second (or third) piece of the trial chapter, which are next after this one. The reason for this is because James is taken hostage, Shane the mastermind though Shay (still resembling to a T his boyfriend Kendall) acts as the kidnapper, and taken all the way to L.A. This causes a country-wide search for them, all the while Kendall is scrambling, frustrated from the lack of progress of the police on the case. That being said, the story's main pairing focus will be on Jhay (Shay x James) in California. I'm NOT saying Kames is dead, but while James is with Shay the two do interact with each other. Some people could be wondering if James will develop Stockholm syndrome (feel empathy and compassion, maybe even love, for Shay during their time together) from this experience; Shay doesn't beat him, but the fact is clear that Shay would be forced to kill him under Shane's orders if he becomes a burden. I'm not sure yet if he will develop Stockholm syndrome (well, from the last preview chapter they had together, he does show compassion) or not. I'm still pondering if either having him internally struggle from time-to-time with his feelings for both Shay and Kendall, or just go with the original plan. Anyway, this is why this preview chapter is here: for everyone to know that the real show starts now, and that there will be limited Kames and more Jhay. A little spoiler here: This preview chapter takes place BEFORE what happens in the last chapter, so like a foreshadowing scene to the big face-down!**

I hope everyone understands and accepts my most deepest apologies for making everyone wait for the action for so long. College is time-consuming plus I want to make triple sure my plans for this story follow suit. Thank you again, and hope you all enjoy this new preview chapter. Thank you to winterschild11, my dear brother and sister, and annabellex2 for reviewing! Thank you all so much, I hope I have bored you all with this long story though I've had so much fun writing it. Like I said in the very first chapter, this is a writing challenge for me. Thank you all again, hope you and everyone following, who had add to their favorites, and reading this story will stick with me until the end. Thank you again for the support, I very much appreciate it. :) **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush nor Shay Hanson! All I own is the story's plot and subplot, the OCs that served as James' father and step-mom, and the insanity that was put together to make this story happen! That's all I own though; I wish I owned BTR! :(**

* * *

**(Preview chapter to a future event in 'Love the Way You Lie')**

James' soft hazel-green eyes were wide open, the sheets pulled up past his slender waist while one of his hands was tucked under his head.

The room wasn't cold, in fact it was a little too warm. The windows were open, letting in the cool L.A. breeze, the sky black as smog save for a few stars and the the glowing half moon.

James was laying down on the right side of the bed, Shay on the left. Said dirty blonde had the sheets bunched up at his bare, pale feet, dressed in nothing but a pair of black boxers. His tattoos were visible even in the dim lighting, he on his stomach with his arms crossed under his chin. He wasn't asleep, even it was almost midnight; he often suffered from insomnia, depending on his mood.

And his mood right now? He was worried sick out of his mind, that was his mood right now. He was worried and nervous. He was worried about seeing Shane again for a "talk", the bullet wound from last time aching as he recalled that day so clearly as if it didn't happen two weeks ago but only yesterday. He was nervous, however, more about what Shane was going to say rather than do. He knew the other brunette pretty well by now; if he said it was urgent, it had something to do with James.

He had something in mind for his little brother, and Shay was nervous about finding out. If he had to put James' life in danger, after working for so long to gain his trust, he'd never forgive himself.

"Aren't you cold?" James asked. Despite the heater on high in their bedroom, he felt as if he was drowning in cold water. He tightened the sheets more around his slender frame, face snuggling into his pillow.

"Nah, I'm hot." Shay replied, shifting around so that his face met James' back. James felt his eyes on him and turned to meet his face, expression tired yet his gaze was wide awake.

"Well I know you're attractive and all, but I was asking if you were feeling a draft or something." James said, making Shay crack a smile.

Leave it to the pretty boy to make a joke even in a grim situation.

'Maybe that's why I fell for him. Other than the fact he's beautiful inside and out and loves animals.' Shay thought with a mental eye-roll, before letting out a sigh.

"No, I'm warm and anxious. I don't want to see Shane tomorrow, in case...in case..."

"He wants you to get rid of me?" James finished for him. His facial expression showed no fear, no concern. He's grown immune to Shane's attacks and threats by now; he wasn't the scared boy Shay remembered him as back in the alley.

"Yeah, that. I wouldn't be able to do it; you mean too much to me." Shay said, letting his soft side show as James wrapped the sheets around them both. The brunette snuggled into the shorter boy's chest, closing his eyes as he listened to his friend's heart pound fast and hard against his right ear.

"But he tries to kill you, I'd hand myself over to him and let him kill me."

"Don't say bull, James."

"I'm not saying bull, Shay." A heavy silence fell upon them for what felt like hours before Shay found his voice again.

"I don't know if he's coming here or having me meet him. I don't know if he's going to have WayneWayne and his goons with him or show up alone, and I don't know if he'll try anything to hurt you. I can't leave you defenseless, but at the same time I don't want to bring you along..." He whispered, moving his deep green eyes to stare out the window, to the night.

He was trying to hide the pain, the pain that came with the thought of losing James.

He hasn't always been the best friend to the brunette, with having posing as the guy he really loved and taking him away from his friends and family back in Sherwood. He has turned James' barely put-together-again life upside down; every police force in the country were on the look-out, to catch Shay and put him away for life while fearing the boy has already murdered James.

Shane was considered a missing person, having mysteriously "disappeared" from his cell only hours after his conviction for raping and beating his twin brother.

The whole world was against him, apart from James. He was sure his best friends Stephanie and The Jennifers didn't think he was a killer, didn't hate him. Still, whatever home he had he left with them; now, he didn't have a home.

Well, he did...

"You need to stop worrying about me and start worrying about yourself, Shay. I don't like the idea of you meeting him either, but it would make me feel much better if you actually showed some concern for your well-being instead of mine. I was beaten and humiliated by Shane for four years; I think I can take him." James began when Shay's eyes flashed dangerously and he let out a feral growl.

He threw the sheets off him and pulled himself free from James' embrace, stalking to the small couch near the windows and collapsing down to glare at the stars. James' eyes were on him, shocked at his reaction.

"I fucking hate that you seem to worry only about others! You're important too, you know! If you die, then who will your mom have left? When she gets her memory back huh, you're just going to leave her?! Oh that's a great idea, leave her to your bastard of a dad to screw over! And Kelly, she cares about you too! I care about you, James and that prick of a boyfriend you have does too! You leave him, he'll commit suicide or some bull from grief!"

"Don't call him that." James hissed, yet his eyes were softening. He was getting it now, he was getting what Shay was trying to say.

"Kendall wouldn't do that, he's stronger than you think." James said after a short pause, sitting up in bed. Shay scoffed, weak tears in the corners of his eyes.

"Ha, please James cut the crap. He fucking loves you with all his heart; if he doesn't kill himself then he'll swear to never fall in love again. He loves you too much to lose you, that's why he's pushing the police to look harder; all he wants is you back safe and sound, away from Shane. Away from me..."

'He wants to take you away from me.' Shay added as an after-thought. This was so confusing.

If only James loved him, instead of Kendall...

"Then I'd come back in ghost form and tell him to move on. Kendall's an amazing person: handsome, strong, loving, smart. He'd make anyone happy, just because I'm not...around, doesn't mean he doesn't deserve the chance to fall in love again."

"You're talking as if you're dead already." Shay pointed out. James shrugged.

"Just piecing together the scenario. If you really love someone or something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was yours to begin with. Mom taught me that; when you really care about someone, you have to think of them before yourself. I love him with all my heart, I wouldn't want him to suffer...like he is now. You don't know how I hate how much pain I'm causing him right now, I can imagine he's worried sick." James whispered that last part, a pained look overtaking his face now.

Shay tried his best not to meet his gaze, James now sitting down in front of him on the couch. "Of course he is, he loves you."

"Still, there is another reason I'd like to think I'll survive this hell-hole." James added, folding his hands over his lap. Shay didn't look at him.

"Let me guess: your mom and Kelly. I think they'd hate to lose you too, even though your mom has nothing going on upstairs at the moment." He spat, running a hand through his hair.

"Them too, obviously. Auntie has been like a second mom to me, and Mom...I love her and I'll always love her, even if she never gets her memory back. But you're missing a few people from your list, Shay."

"Right, forgot Logan and Katie and Mama Knight."

"One more person you're missing, Shay." James pressed, glad the dirty blonde finally met his eyes after letting out a heavy sigh and shooting him a light glare.

"Who the hell then, God?!"

"Well yeah, He's important too...but I was talking about you, Shay." James said. At this Shay looked at him oddly.

Sure he's let his guard down around James before, but he always tried to deny it later. Best to avoid getting too attached; it would hurt less when he'd have to watch James go back to Kendall.

Seeing Shay's uncertainty, James sighed and patted his lap. The dirty blonde at first only glared at him, but soon his head was snuggled in James' lap; his tense posture relaxed a little when the brunette began running his fingers through his tangled, messy hair.

"You mean a lot to me too, I've told you this before Shay. I'm going to find a way to make sure you don't go back to jail, and that you're okay. You say you don't have a home, but you have me. I can be your home, and everything will be okay I promise. Whatever Shane decides to do...I'll face him. He won't break me, he can't anymore; I'm way stronger now than I was four years ago. I'm not that weak little kid anymore, and as long as I'm here you'll always have a home. I'll be your home, Shay. I said I would go down with you if I had to, and I'm not going back on my word Shay. I'll be your home...so in a way, you do have a home again. You ARE home." James said, stroking Shay's scalp lightly with his dull fingernails.

Shay didn't say anything but only buried his face into James' lap more, arms around the taller boy's waist.


	41. Young Love Pt 2

Yolo! Good news: I did as much research for the trial chapters as much as possible! Second good news: They should be up soon! Bad news: This chapter isn't the first of the trial chapter, sorry! It's going to take up a while to write them, so I hope everyone will be patient until they're up! But, this chapter is in first person, as in their point-of-view, and ta-da! It's Shay's point-of-view, yay! Okay, maybe not that big of a "yay!" but it is nice to see what he sees, right? I mean, it would be good! And plus, he's going to the trial too; he's going to sneak in (as the bad boy/criminal he is) to keep an eye on both James and Shane, so I give he's double moral support? Okay well, onward! Thanks for the support, people! I, Tony Stark, am saluting you! Okay It's Steve, but you know what I mean! Okay, let's get started!** Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or Shay Hanson! I just own any OCs that you can tell are OCs, and the overall plot of the story! Nothing else is mine, not even Stony! (Cries in a corner) :'(**

* * *

So, it's today.

Today is the trial. James will be seeing Shane for the first time in a while (well, since the arraignment) and vice-versa, the time to face the past is finally here. Two months sometimes feel like an eternity...

I'm going to trial. Kendall won't be there; from my sources I've learned he's been feeling under the weather lately, so that could be my opening. Though I highly doubt he'll stay in bed over a little cold and not support James, if I have to sneak in then so be it. I don't care; fucking Jesus Christ, the fact that I'm willing to face being recognized by any cop at the courthouse and getting a one-way ticket back to the cell for James, and only James, says a lot. I guess I'm willing to give it all up for him.

My feelings haven't lost their edge; they're just as strong as the day I saw him, four years ago at that party. I fell for him without a warning, started falling for those big beautiful eyes, that cute laugh and pretty smile...that loving nature and overall perfect body. Damn it!

Um, yeah if I keep that list up and this whole video diary entry will be just about him. Well everything concerning about him is my life now, all cheesy and sappy love cliches out the window. I mean, after the trial is done with and Shane is convicted...that's I'm suppose to make my move.

I'm to kidnap James; I'm to take him, drugged unconscious, all the way to Los Angeles, California. According to Shane, staying near home was to dangerous for him and me. If he's to...get his revenge, then we needed to move James out of the Minnesota jurisdiction. The police here won't be able to do much if we crossed state lines.

I...I don't want to do this.

I fucking don't want to! I-I don't want to hurt James! All I want is for him to love me the way I love him, but instead I'm going to endanger his life as it was nothing important! I don't want to drug him, I don't want to tie him up hog-style and stuff him away into the trunk of the car I managed to swipe! I don't want Shane to get the chance to put his filthy, nasty as hell hands on my Jamie! I don't want to be a kidnapper; I'm already a convicted "murderer", I don't need to add another label to my record! I didn't mean to kill my dad, but the bastard was beating me! I had to fight back but I didn't mean to kill him; I just wanted to live, was that so wrong to want?!

Apparently it was, since I was sentenced five years of my life, five years I'll never get back. Not if I'm caught and charged with kidnapping and who knows what other bull the cops can pound over my head. I don't want to go back to jail, I'm not now and never will be a killer. All I want is for my life to make sense again, for it to work out in the long run.

*Sigh*

James, I...I-I'm sorry. I never wanted to do this, really I didn't. If you ever see this...please believe me when I say that the only thing I'm guilty of is falling in love with you. I'm deeply, madly, truly in love with you. James, you're just...fucking perfect; the day I saw you, I swear I saw the first bright light in my life for the first time ever.

I didn't have to know your name right away, I just had to look at your face and damn it I was hooked from there. I thought you were the most beautiful thing in the world, but I see now that you're way more beautiful now than when we were fourteen. There's just something about you that I find amazing...you're amazing, what the fuck am I saying? That's the something that's amazing about you: you! You being you, you're beautiful and...and I've been waiting so long to actually be near you.

My friends, Stephanie and The Jennifers, they kept telling me that even though I saw you at the party and that we lived in the same neighborhood...they told me to just let that night go. I was freaking fourteen; what the hell did I know about love? I had my whole life ahead of me, right? I had so much going for me, so much I still had to do but...but all I wanted was for you to notice me. For you to see me, for you to tell me your name yourself instead of hearing it from some random guy on the street. All I wanted was for us to be something, something special.

I know you have someone, someone who looks like my long-lost twin brother! Deja vu much, but...but I know you love him but is it really too late to win your heart? I know I'm not him, but that's okay right? You don't have to be like someone else to make someone fall in love with you, right? I'm not him but he's not me; maybe just maybe, you can love me back?

Nothing would make me happier, than to know you love me...

Again, I just got sidetracked.

The trial, tomorrow Shay. Focus on that, focus!

Tomorrow I'm going to see both Shane and James. Tomorrow is the first day of this trial, who knows how long it will be. Tomorrow is the first day and when all of it is said and done...I have to make my move.

James, I...I'm so sorry.


	42. Pretending (James)

Um, yolo. Okay the trial chapters will be up hopefully this weekend. Classes for today are cancelled but I have a TON of work to tend to this afternoon, so I want to get all that done and out of the way for the weekend. That is an update on the trial chapters, now for this chapter: I was wondering, has anyone of you guys wondered if maybe, just maybe James...does know Shay? I mean they went to the same party four years ago, right? I mean there has to be some interaction that he's not remembering, and I think I know why he might not be: sometimes going through immense abuse causes people to forget things, like a memory loss that subconsciously kicks in. It's a defense mechanism the brain puts into action to protect the already fragile state of mind and overall well-being. James, subconsciously, doesn't recall most of what happened during those four years apart from the abuse. It has been the only constant factor in his life up to this point, that everything else has been blocked from his memory. So, he does know about Shay...it's just lost in his memory. You'll see what I mean. I had this idea to be honest for a while now, but never found the right place to put into action. Then, before the trial? I think it's perfect, because while James will be honest when he's called to the stand and not commit perjury, memories he didn't know even existed will plague him during his time with Shay. Memories his mind had stolen from him; memories that will help develop his feelings for Shay later on. Okay, onward! Thank you to winterschild11 for reviewing and thanks for the help on researching too! Totally appreciate it, thank you again! The song that helped me write this chapter I heard during Glee, 'Pretending'. Now James isn't pretending to not remember Shay, but his mind had him pretending that he remembered everything that happened to him outside the abuse for the past four years. Wow, long author's note. Well, onward. **Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or Shay Hanson. I only own James' father and step-mom, since they are OCs (we never see them, at least I don't think so, in the show) and the overall plot. Note: A majority of this chapter is in italics, since it's all a dream/memory on James' part. Well, his subconsciousness's part.**

* * *

_James was outside, in the backyard of the booming party he and Shane were invited too but was soon bored of it after half an hour. Everyone was inside, dancing and laughing and shouting cheers as if tonight was their last night._

_Well it kind of was; school was starting up again in two days, so it was their official last night of freedom._

_Still, James found no fun in it._

_He sighed, looking up at the stars twinkling with a full moon staring down at him. His boyfriend Logan was inside, no doubt looking for him, and Shane...well he tried to stick close to him but the older boy brushed him off and went around on his own. He lost sight of him only minutes after they arrived._

_He was lonely. He could go inside and look for Logan, or hang out with his friend Dak but...James didn't feel like doing those things. He wanted to talk to someone sure, but not Logan or Dak, not even his twin brother who was like his whole world._

_He just wanted...to not be lonely but with a different face. He wanted to meet someone new; there were many potential chatting partners inside, but none of them seemed interesting to him. He wanted to meet someone new, someone interesting and mysterious even._

_Call James a bit odd, but to him this sensation wasn't surprising. He was a social butterfly. He liked meeting new people, making new friends; he treasured the ones he already had very much, but who said you can't make your circle of friends and family grow a bit more? There's always room for more, he had plenty of attention and love for anyone who wanted it._

_James was sweet. He was often too sweet for his own good, but he saw that as a benefit instead of a hindrance._

_He sighed again, running a thin, long and warm hand through his almost shoulder-length chocolate-brown hair. "I kind of wish a new face would just fall out of the sky or something." He whispered before he rose to back inside. If he stayed outside too long, he'll probably catch the sniffles plus he had to find his brother, make sure he was okay. He's the baby of the family, but he could be overprotective himself too._

_That's when he heard a tree branch snap._

_"OW!" James gasped and spun on his heels._

_One of the large, tall trees in the backyard lost one of its arms, pelts of snow falling from the surprisingly still green leaves. At the foot of the trunk was the long, worn out broken branch and...a body. Said boy was squirming, a deep groaning of pain telling James it was a boy. He couldn't make much of his features: he was dressed all in black, and was wearing a Jason Voorhees hockey mask. One of his sleeves had ridden up from the fall though and was__ gushing blood, the stark red color practically glowing thanks to the nearby streetlights casting an eerie orangish hue._

_"O-ow..." The boy mumbled, struggling to sit up. His left ankle was badly twisted though, it throbbing so much that it racked waves up his spine and prevented him from getting off the cold, crunchy grass._

_"Oh my God, are you alright?!" Normally a person doesn't go near a stranger. They get help for them sure, but from someone else. Rarely anyone offered to help a stranger themselves nowadays._

_Not James, though._

_The brunette ran over and kicked the branch off the other boy, who was a bit shorter than him and had a lanky frame. The other boy groaned his thanks and with James' help sat up, leaning on the taller boy's frame and struggling to catch his breath._

_"Damn, stupid branch..."_

_"Are you okay, wait can you breathe well under that mask? Maybe you should take it off." James said, not interested one bit in seeing the face underneath. Well, unless he got scratched up around there too; that was a whole different story._

_The boy flinched though and rejected the idea with a shake of his head, one bloody hand going up to his face as if to make sure the mask was still in place. "N-no, I'm good."_

_"Why the heck are you wearing that, anyway? Halloween isn't for another month." It was September, there was still a long way to wait until October 31st._

_The boy shrugged, as if he didn't know. He was wearing the mask of course to hide the bloody lip his father gave him earlier today, but he couldn't tell that to this guy. This really beautiful, good-looking guy with soft-looking brown hair. "A friend of mine lives in this neighborhood and she's always pulling ghost pranks on me. I thought it was about time I got even, and she hates Jason Voorhees so..." He trailed off at seeing the understanding expression crossing James' gentle face._

_"Ah, I see. Still, you got hurt going through your 'marvelous plan', so hold still please. I have a first-aid kit on me, travel size."_

_"Wait what, why?" The boy asked, looking stunned stupid when the brunette fished out said kit out of his hoodie's front pocket. James' ears turned a sheepish pink, a shy grin on._

_"My boyfriend insists I carry it around. We play hockey and I get banged up a lot during practice, so he bought me this for a month anniversary present." James explained, not bothered by how easily he was able to respond. This stranger didn't feel dangerous, or scary to him. The guy seemed nice enough, if not a bit bloody._

_Once the shorter boy got over his initial shock he began shaking his head, trying to stand up. "N-no, it's okay really. I'm f-OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Y-yep, that was my ankle. Yeah, I felt that!" He switched between shouts and whispers as he clutched at his sprained ankle, James looking very worried now._

_"So stop moving, please! If I'm going to help you, you'll need to stay put so I don't mess up! I should tend to your arm first..." James opened the kit and pulled a bottle of disinfectant and a large band-aid, some small towels inside as well for him to pour the disinfectant and get right to work._

_Despite the other boy's squirming and continued protests James tended his bloody arm, wiping the crimson red away while trying to keep his head clear. He was often squeamish around blood; he couldn't stand needles, either._

_The masked boy soon relaxed when the numb sensation settling in his arm began to fade away, replaced by a feeling of being clean. He opened his eyes and watched through the mask holes James wipe away the excess disinfectant and press the band-aid lightly, but firmly, across the rather deep cut on his upper bicep. The brunette kept two fingers over the band-aid to make sure it stuck before he rolled up the boy's left pants leg to get a better look at the sprained ankle. It was swollen and a beet red, it throbbing as he gently brushed two, cool-to-the-touch fingers over the abused skin._

_"Damn it, I don't have ice in this kit...but this should do the trick!" James took some snow off the ground, making sure the clump wasn't dirty, and wrapped another small towel around the clump; a makeshift ice-pack, the guy was resourceful._

_He leaned over and pressed the ice-pack over the other's ankle, keeping it elevated by cupping it with his free hand. He kept count, taking it off and putting it back on, facial expression a look of deep concentration._

_The masked boy, a dirty blonde if James could see his hair via the streetlights, was in silence. He was still in shock this stranger was helping him._

_The neighbors have heard his dad beat him, punch him and throw him out of the house for the night. They heard all of that go on, yet did nothing but turn off their lights and try to tune out the noise._

_They didn't give a shit about him. But this guy did, he did. He didn't have to do what he was doing right now; he could have just pretended he didn't see him, or get someone else to help._

_But he didn't. He was helping him, because...he wanted to._

_"There we go...I think the swelling is going down." James mumbled, more to himself than to the other boy as he lifted his head._

_The masked dirty blonde took in the taller boy's features, almost as if trying to commit them to memory._

_Long, sweet-smelling chocolate brown hair. A pair of big, deep eyes in a soft hazel-green. A mouth, pale pink, with soft-looking lips. Slender arches over those eyes for eyebrows, light freckles dotting his arrow-straight nose and a strong chin. High, sharp cheekbones, thick lashes and a soft curve to his lips when he smiled._

_The face of a boy, with beginning maturity signs of a man._

_"Hey, are you okay? Does it feel like your ankle isn't getting better?" James asked, a little concerned with the other boy's lack of response._

_A pair of eyes, a bright and vibrant green, blinked behind the mask and a nod soon came in return, James soon sighing in relief with a smile gracing his angelic face; to the other boy, he resembled a Greek statue in living, breathing bronze._

_"That's good, sorry it's just your silence got me a little scared there. I'm glad you're okay though, um...I-I don't know your name." James realized with a weak chuckle, blushing a light pink around the cheeks._

_The shorter boy dropped his head, shoulders slumping. James' face fell once more, he placing a hand to the boy's right shoulder. "Hey, are you okay? Is something wrong?" No response came._

_"Please, answer me." James pressed. He just got a shake of the head back._

_"W-well, can I see your face?" He asked finally, reaching out with both hands towards the fake blood-crusted mask._

_"N-no, no, no! Don't touch it!" The other boy went into a panic, chest feeling tight. He didn't want this beautiful boy to see the busted lip of his; he didn't want to have the other boy see how ugly he was._

_James looked at him, confused. "Why, are you hurt?"_

_"I-I don't like my face." The other boy replied, the first lie to come to mind slipping off his tongue. James looked angry for a second, though._

_"Please, no one can they don't like their face! Your face isn't the same as someone else's, it makes you special! It's who you are, so don't say something so stupid and please let me see!" He said a bit crossly, though his eyes were gentle, soft._

_"I-I don't like my face." The other boy didn't like his busted lip, he didn't mind his face much but it was still part of his face, the busted bloody lip. He felt inferior to this other boy; he didn't need him to see what made him so inferior._

_James sighed, deciding to soften his tone. "Please, please let me see your face. I'd like to see the face of a new friend." He whispered, leaning close to the shorter boy._

_The eyes behind the mask grew wide. "New f-friend?"_

_"Well yes, I like to think every new face I see brings up a chance for a new friend. I like making new friends, but I also like seeing their faces. I'm pretty sure you're being too hard on yourself; I think you're just hiding a really nice face under that mask. So please, please let me see...?" James was begging at this point, one hand inching for the mask._

_The shorter boy sighed; there was no way he will be able to escape this. It was clear from the lace of desperation in the other's voice._

_"...O-okay." He said finally._

_James helped him stand up, letting the foot with the sprained ankle step over his for better balance. The stranger gripped his free hand, the other reaching out to slowly pull the mask off._

_But he never got a chance to see the mysterious boy's face._

_"James?" Said brunette turned to see Dak standing there, pointing with his left thumb towards the still booming party._

_"James, Logan's looking for you." He said, though the brunette wasn't paying attention. His ears caught the sound of the mask falling to the grass but he heard a grunt and uneven running. He turned to see...the other boy was gone._

_"Wait, wait please!" James shouted after him, giving chase until the other hopped the fence of the house and took off into the night._

_James leaned against the fence, feeling a sense of dread of seeing the other boy leave. He didn't even get to see his face. He sighed, feeling a touch of tears in his deep, hazel-green eyes._

_"James, what happened? Did I interrupt something? You want to be alone?" Dak asked, looking a little guilty now. James just shook his head, trying to smile on the outside while on the inside he was cursing the other boy out for scaring his potential friend away._

_'And to think, I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be friends.' James thought with a mental sigh, following Dak back inside._

_He had no idea the blonde boy snuck back to get his mask back, though he hesitated a second or two when he saw the sad look on the pretty boy's face._

**_-Page Break-_**

_James went on with his life. It was a day after the party; Logan had gotten a small cold so he was alone today, he resorting to spending the day hours staring out his window in contemplation. His brother has been oddly silent as of last night, spending his time locked in his room. He was acting strange but James was too afraid to ask what was wrong; something about the hollowness in the other's eyes frightened him, told him to stay away._

_He didn't want to, but the look froze him inside._

_'I wonder...' James thought sadly, worried not only about his brother but the boy, the boy he met at the party. He was hurt, he had ran out with a bad ankle. James hoped he was alright, that he's tended to it himself regularly._

_'I wish I could see him again though; I never even got to see his face.' James' thoughts raced like water in a pipe as he began singing._

_It was a song he heard on Glee, it was a nice song and for some reason it reminded him of the other boy. He imagined himself singing this song to that boy, trying to convey his concern for him through that song._

_James leaned against the window sill before sighing and planning to lay down for a while._

_When he heard a small tap to his window, his back to the day outside._

_James' eyes grew wide and he snapped his head back to the window. What he saw next made him smile._

_The hockey mask, though it was covered in fake blood like last time and...there was a white rose tied to it thanks to the holes in the mask. There was a note attached to the whole thing, James undoing the window hatch to get a better look at his unusual gift._

**Thanks.**

_That was all the note said. Still, it made James smile and he fell asleep holding the rose and mask to him. He didn't let go of it, even with the whole night over._

_And he had no idea the person who left the note was sleeping peacefully himself, for the first time in a long while. All because that boy never really forgot him._

**_-Page Break-_**

James' eyes flew open, he bolting upwards in his bed with a hand over his heart. Tears filled his eyes and streamed down his cheeks, chest feeling as if someone was repeating stabbing him with a butcher knife. He rose from bed and moved to his mirror, placing a hand against the cold glass and acting as if he was looking through a window.

'What are these memories...?'

**_-Page Break-_**

Shay sighed as he rested his head against the closet mirror in James' old room. Even though Michael and Connie were back in town, they rarely ever came home.

Tears were in his bright green eyes too, he balling up his free hand into a fist.

'So close, James. We're so close, yet so far apart...'


End file.
